Great Sex, Naturally (34 page)

If you do this treatment often, you may intuitively develop your own ways of creating greater relaxation. You may also feel empowered by becoming more intimately aware of your pelvic and vaginal tissues. Many women are unfamiliar with this part of their bodies; some touch their vaginas only for sex and bathing, but never in a therapeutic way. (The only time their vaginas may be touched therapeutically is during doctor visits.) Establishing a relationship with your pelvis and vagina in which
you
are your own healer can be a transformative experience; with such a vital, sacred part of your body, claiming your right to self-nurturance is especially important.

For further reading on pelvic self-massage, see
Appendix C
. If you experience chronic pelvic pain and need professional guidance with pelvic massage, some physical therapists specializing in women’s pelvic health provide hands-on release techniques for the pelvis and PC muscle.

Are Your Issues in Your Tissues?

If you have any sexual issues—especially issues related to past sexual experiences that were unwanted or traumatic—loving touch to your vulva and vagina may help transform and restore your sexual health. According to some schools of thought, such as Rolfing, your bodily tissues can “remember” trauma that may have occurred many years ago, and past pain can be healed by physically and energetically releasing your tissues with massage and other techniques. In some ways, this parallels the Reichian theory that pent-up sexual or psychological energy can create “body armor”—real physical tensions and blockages in muscles and organs—that you can overcome through healthy sexual release.

Sex-Expanding Tantric Techniques: The Apex of Great Sex?

In this chapter we’ve explored a plethora of pleasure-enhancers in a variety of categories. There’s one form of sex enhancement, however, that stands in a category all its own … tantric sexual practices. Although they don’t involve ingestible chemical agents, tantric practices may be considered aphrodisiacs in a general sense: they’re sometimes ranked among the most effective approaches to enhancing sexuality, and can unquestionably broaden your erotic horizons and multiply your pleasure potential many times over. The roots of the Sanskrit word
tantra
have links to the words
weave
and
stretch
. We include tantric sexual practices here because they allow you to weave entirely new erotic experiences, and stretch the limits of your capacity for sexual sensation.

You don’t have to join an obscure sect and follow a guru to benefit from ancient tantric sexual secrets; it’s easier than you might think to use them on your own (enhance sex
sans
sects) and incorporate them into your erotic life. Tantric practices may not be for everyone, but if you’re in a trusting, committed relationship, and you want to explore other dimensions of your sexuality and experience a new level of intimacy, they may be right for you.

Before we explore how you and your partner can use tantric sexual practices, let’s look at what they have to offer you and some key concepts behind them, based on interpretations of some tantric teachings:

—
Transformative sex.
Tantric sexual practices give you a refreshing alternative to sex as a brief, momentary pleasure—especially if you tend to perceive your sexuality in functional terms, as a straightforward performance with orgasm always the objective. For too many couples, sex is the typical five-to ten-minute animalistic gyration that usually culminates with male, and sometimes female, orgasm. (It’s estimated that 79 percent of men, but only 29 percent of women, reach orgasm during sex.) Tantric practices can expand your sexual landscape by alleviating a man’s pressure to climax quickly, vastly transforming your possibilities for pleasure, sex, and orgasm.

—
Freedom from goal-oriented sex.
Central to many tantric sexual practices is an idea that’s difficult for some to grasp because it challenges fundamental notions about sexuality—that the purpose of sex isn’t necessarily orgasm. In some tantric teachings, the principle of delayed gratification is taken to extremes: the longer climax is postponed, the greater the potential benefits. Goal-free sex can last for hours—as long as you and your partner choose—because the journey is the destination, and the focus is on crystallizing your awareness at every step along the way.

—
Getting beyond ego-based sex.
Another concept integral to some tantric teachings is that sex can be a way of releasing control of your ego-centered mind and becoming more conscious of pure sensation. It can be challenging for some people to surrender ego control and trust the outcome—it may trigger feelings of vulnerability and defenselessness—but the potential rewards are many: greater intimacy, trust, well-being, and inner peace, and a sense that you’re not a separate entity from your partner … or indeed from all of life.

—
The gifts of salubrious sex.
Tantric sexual practices can open your being to healing powers that may otherwise lie dormant—by extending the length of time you have sex (thereby multiplying some of the health benefits of sex we explored earlier in this book), and allowing for greater stimulation of your sexual chi (according to Chinese medicine, a potent therapeutic force, as we touched on in
Chapter 3
). And on another level, tantric practices may also be deeply healing and nurturing in and of themselves, by giving you access to transformative physical and spiritual states.

—
Sacred sexuality.
The idea that sex can be a liberating, mystical experience is essential to some traditional tantric teachings. Sex isn’t just about your physical pleasure—it’s perceived as a way of stimulating your spiritual awareness, transcending your personal limitations, and discovering your connection to ultimate creative forces. (One tantric practitioner describes it as “finding out that at your core you’re inseparable from the essence of the universe, which is pure love.”) As a result, the act of sex is elevated to the highest order of spiritual importance; it can be a holy rite, and a profound sacrament. And in turn, the effects some tantric practices may have on your emotions and states of mind can instill a lasting sense of awe for the mysteries of sex.

—
Deeper bonding.
Tantric sexual practices can be thought of as a dance you and your partner perform together, a mutual meditation in motion—and at times, as you’ll see, in motionlessness—that makes you much more closely connected. As a natural consequence, you’re likely to experience greater intimacy, both sexually and otherwise, and discover new realms of sharing in your relationship. The importance of communication in tantric practices, for example, which we’ll explore below, has a delightful way of spilling over into every other aspect of your relationship and improving your interactions in all areas.

With all of these potential gains, it’s a wonder more couples don’t use tantric sexual practices regularly. Perhaps the cultural tendency to compartmentalize sex—as if it’s just another task to fit into your busy schedule—is partly to blame for this. In our fast-paced, goal-oriented society, tantric sexual practices seem anomalous; you have to create enough time in your life to make their many benefits possible.

There are numerous approaches to traditional tantric practices. Some involve elaborate preparatory rituals, preliminary breathing techniques, and other methods to help prime you physically and mentally for sexual intimacy. Sensual massage can be important; according to some tantric teachings, your vulva is like a flower that gradually opens and blossoms in response to loving touch. Foreplay may be deliberately prolonged to heighten your and your partner’s erotic awareness prior to intercourse.

Once sex begins, the secret to many tantric practices lies in abstaining from, or delaying, the immediate pleasure of thrusting to orgasm. For instance, it’s sometimes recommended that you and your partner hold a motionless embrace, with his penis in your vagina, for an extended time. Other means of enhancing pleasure may be pursued, but since orgasm isn’t the goal—and resisting orgasm creates the desired effect—anything that might precipitate either partner’s climax is discouraged.

Many basic tantric sexual teachings can be summed up approximately like this: Once you or your partner are close to climax, hesitate; let pleasure subside, then gradually rebuild the excitement until you’re again on the verge of orgasm, and again hold off. Repeat this cycle multiple times, each time driving as close as you both can to the precipice and backing down just before either of you is swept over the edge. Eventually you’ll reach the point where you’re both so perfectly poised on the brink of orgasm that you won’t need to move a muscle to back down; simply remaining motionless will be pure ecstasy (a word derived, fittingly, from the same root as
stasis
, or motionlessness). Stay in this state as long as you possibly can; the longer you remain on the cusp, the more profound the potential sexual and spiritual effects.

For some people, the state of prolonged near-orgasm is experienced as a kind of perpetual climax; the pleasure normally felt in condensed form as a momentary orgasm may seem miraculously drawn out in slow motion over a much longer period of time. Your sensations may become increasingly intense, allowing you to reach ever-loftier plateaus of pleasure. Some people may experience trancelike states of mind-altering euphoria. If and when orgasm eventually happens, it’s usually described as … well,
indescribable
.

Tantric practices may be especially beneficial if you often climax at a different pace from that of your partner. As noted earlier in this book, a woman’s sexual energy tends to be like a large pot on a small flame; it takes a while to warm up, but stays hot for a long time. A man’s tends to be like a small pot on a big flame; it heats quickly, but doesn’t stay hot as long. Once “heated up,” a woman can keep simmering with multiple orgasms, but a man typically needs to cool down with a postorgasm refractory period before he can have another erection. If you and your partner want to synchronize your sexual tempos, tantric practices can be a great equalizer, allowing you to make sex last long enough to experience simultaneous peak bliss.

In addition, according to some tantric teachings a man can not only dramatically expand his ability to remain in a sexually heightened state, but also learn to climax without ejaculation and experience multiple orgasms. Some insist this is biologically possible; others believe it’s a metaphorical way of describing an experience that seems to transcend any other form of sexual ecstasy, and a degree of pleasure beyond measure.

Verbal communication between you and your partner can be crucial in tantric sexual practices; some teachings recommend sex in a face-to-face sitting position to facilitate clear dialogue. In extreme states of ecstasy, with every sensation intensely magnified, words may be your best tools for holding orgasm at bay. Only through the subtle nuances of language can you give each other precise feedback on how close to orgasm you are, when you’re ready for more (or less) stimulation, exactly where to touch or refrain from touching, and just how firmly or feather-lightly to caress. For giving spur-of-the-moment cues on your proximity to climax, you and your partner may want to create your own system of signals beforehand—for example, a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being low arousal and 10 the verge of orgasm.

Sharpening your verbal sex skills can have spinoff benefits in other sexual areas. If you’ve become accustomed to silent sex—and often hope he’ll read your mind and touch you differently—it can open up new dimensions during your non-tantric lovemaking. And with clear communication you can also steer your partner through intricate foreplay rituals that without words would be impossible. For instance, you can guide him in giving you a massage similar to the one recommended in the preceding section for pelvic and vaginal self-massage, but with an erotic slant.

Breathing techniques during intercourse are also important in some tantric sexual teachings. If you and your partner reach a transcendent state of motionless pleasure, in which even the slightest movement can trigger orgasm-like sensations, your breathing may be the only motion that either of you makes. In this state, breathing becomes an art form. One method is to alternate your breaths: when you inhale, he exhales; and vice versa. Another is to synchronize your breathing so you inhale and exhale in rhythm. (Since women usually take shallower breaths than men, he may need to match his breathing with yours.) Experimenting with breathing techniques may help you stay connected with your partner, prolong ecstasy, promote relaxation, and provide a meditative way of focusing your attention on your bodies.

Sex and Tantra: The Tantalizing (or Not) Possibilities

Tantra may be less sex-centric than you think, depending on how you define it. There are various definitions, but the term generally refers to practices based on beliefs outlined in certain Hindu or Buddhist texts. A core conviction underlying many tantric practices is that the world we perceive, including our bodies, is a microcosmic manifestation of divine creative energy. Tantric practitioners use ritualistic techniques in an effort to reach higher spiritual states by balancing and channeling this energy in their bodies.

Although in the West we associate tantra with sex, many traditional tantric rituals don’t involve sex, but focus instead on meditation and adherence to rules of moral conduct. When sexual practices are involved, they’re seen as a catalyst for creating experiences of mystical ecstasy that differ from sexual pleasure in the usual sense and may not involve orgasm.

With popularization in the West, tantra, like yoga, is sometimes simplified in ways that might make it seem almost unrecognizable in its native context. Just as many who practice yoga have no idea of its original significance in the theistic tradition of Hinduism (as a practice emphasizing the renunciation of bodily and mental activity), some proponents of tantra may be unaware of its original cultural roots. You can find a wide range of information about tantra online—along with plenty of hyperbole, exaggerated claims of sexual feats, and links to pornography. Despite this oversexualization, and although tantra may never become as acceptable and accessible as yoga, it similarly has a lot to offer Westerners.