Greatest Zombie Movie Ever (13 page)

“Hi, everybody!” the clown said as he got out of the car. “I'm Stinky the Clown!” He honked a bicycle horn and waved to the children. He walked over to the gathering, moving slowly because of his cartoonishly oversized shiny red shoes.

“Is it safe to drive when you're wearing those?” Gabe asked.

“The judge says yes.”

“Don't talk to our clown,” said the woman.

While the children gathered around Stinky, Justin waved for everybody on his crew to join him. “This is not an ideal situation,” he admitted. “But we're just going to have to work through it. Pretend they're not there.”

“I'm going to have trouble ignoring Stinky,” said Daisy. “What kind of clown wears pastel? His colors are all muted when they should be vibrant.”

“These scenes are where most of the character development happens,” said Justin. “So I need everybody to bring their A-game, even with the distractions. If the audience doesn't get to know Veronica Chaos and Runson Mudd as human beings, they won't care when they throw a zombie into an electrified Jacuzzi.”

“We couldn't get the Jacuzzi,” said Gabe.

“Okay, they won't care when they shove a zombie's head into a microwave.”

“I thought we decided that the zombie-head-in-a-microwave bit interrupted the flow of the scene.”

“Okay, they won't care when they express emotion.”

“I'm ready,” said Christopher. “No clown is going to keep me from connecting with the audience.”

“Then let's do it!”

• • •

“My name is Veronica Chaos,” said Alicia.

“I'm Runson Mudd,” said Christopher, reaching out his hand. “Nice to meet you.”

“Cut!” said Justin. “A kid ran into the shot.”

• • •

“My name is Veronica Chaos,” said Alicia.

“I'm Runson Mudd,” said Christopher, reaching out his hand. “Nice to meet you.”

“Cut!” said Justin. “Another kid ran into the shot.”

• • •

“My name is Veronica Chaos,” said Alicia.

“I'm Runson Mudd,” said Christopher, reaching out his hand. “Nice to meet you.”

“Cut!” said Justin. “Hugo! Can't you play someplace else?”

Hugo bit the ear off his chocolate bunny. “It's my birthday. Happy birthday to me!”

• • •

“My name is Veronica Chaos,” said Alicia.

“I'm Runson Mudd,” said Christopher, reaching out his hand. “Nice to meet you.”

“Hi, I'm Stinky the Clown!” said Stinky the Clown, leaning into the shot and waving to the camera.

“Cut!” said Justin. “Stinky! C'mon, dude, that wasn't cool.”

“I smell like dead fish! Wawawawawa!”

• • •

“My name is Veronica Chaos,” said Alicia.

“I'm Runson Mudd,” said Christopher, reaching out his hand. “Nice to meet you.”

Stinky the Clown did a cartwheel in the background. The children chased after him, giggling.

“Seriously, Stinky! Knock it off!” Justin threw half of a cookie at the clown.

“I'm Stinky the Clown! Gabagabagabagaba! I have a pet turtle named Barf! Woowoowoowoowoo! I can eat three hundred pistachios in a weekend! Durdurdurdurdurdur!”

“We have to do something about that clown,” said Gabe. “Thirty-eight takes is too many.”

Justin walked over to where Hugo's parents sat, carefully pouring sugar into pieces of licorice. “What's it going to take for you to call off the clown sabotage?”

“I don't know what you're talking about,” said the woman.

“The sooner we get our shots done, the sooner we leave. By messing things up for us, you're just keeping us around longer.”

“Clowns exist to bring happiness to the world. Clowns put smiles on the faces of children. Zombies put frowns on their faces. I don't know about you, but when I look out at the world, I'd rather see smiles than frowns.”

“Please make Stinky stop.”

“I'm Stinky the Clown!” Stinky announced. “I smell like tapioca pudding you forgot to eat! Zuhzuhzuhzuhzuh! Thubthubthubthub! Gurkle gurkle gonkle gonkle blerp.”

“Stinky was hired to entertain these children,” said the woman. “If that inconveniences you, that's not our problem.”

“I'm Stinky the Clown! The dentist says I don't floss enough! Hargahargahargaharga bock wonk!”

“You have the power to make him stop,” said Justin. “Show some compassion.”

“Maybe you should show some compassion to Stinky. He's had a rough go of it these past few years.”

“I'm Stinky the Clown! Soap is for the weak! Fa fa durken wa!” Stinky honked his bicycle horn and then broke a bottle over his own head.

“If you call off the clown, I'll give you twenty bucks.”

“Done,” said the woman.

“Really?”

“All we wanted was a simple bribe. Can't you read between the lines?” The woman stood up. “Stinky! You're done for the day. Get back in your cage!”

Stinky hung his head and sadly walked back to his car.

“What's the deal with that?” Justin asked. “Does he think his car is a cage? Is he driving back to a cage? What?”

“Are you here to make a movie, or are you here to ask questions about the clown's backstory?”

“Some things you're better off not knowing,” said the man. “Some knowledge leaves you forever haunted.”

“My imagination is going to come up with something much worse for Stinky than whatever the truth is,” said Justin.

“No,” said the man. “No, it is not.”

Justin took out his wallet and handed the woman a twenty-dollar bill. “Thanks for your cooperation.”

• • •

“My name is Veronica Chaos,” said Alicia.

“I'm Runson Mudd,” said Christopher. “Nice to meet you.”

“Cut!” said Justin. “You forgot to put out your hand.”

• • •

“My name is Veronica Chaos,” said Alicia.

“I'm Runson Mudd,” said Christopher, reaching out his hand. “Nice to meet you.”

Alicia shook his hand.

“Cut!” said Justin.

Alicia sighed. “What was wrong this time?”

“Nothing. That's where we were supposed to cut. On to the next scene!”

• • •

For two people who'd never acted in a movie before, Alicia and Christopher were delivering fantastic performances. They were both naturals. No matter what the reviewers might say about his movie (“This movie sucks!”), he didn't see how anybody could criticize their acting.

Justin could not be more pleased.

If he had one tiny little minor detail that he wished he could tweak, it was that they were a tiny little wee bit too convincing about falling in love. He didn't like the way that Veronica Chaos and Runson Mudd looked at each other like they were thinking,
Oh yeah, baby, you're so awesome
, and stuff.

As the director, he knew it would be unprofessional and detrimental to the film to try to make suggestions to fine-tune the lovey looks out of their performances. As a guy who still had a crush on Alicia despite today's discovery that she was crazy, he kind of wanted their onscreen romance to seem less believable.

If he said, “Hey, could you try not to look so much like you're falling in love?” Gabe would call him out on it. He had to think of the movie. The movie came first. If Alicia and Christopher got so immersed in their roles that they just threw their arms around each other and went into a frenzy of noisy smooching, Justin would not try to pry them apart with a crowbar. It was all about the movie. Nothing else mattered.

While they were setting up the next shot, Gabe glanced around to make sure that nobody was too close and whispered, “What would you think if I asked out Daisy?”

“Huh?”

“Daisy. The girl who's doing the clapboard.”

“I know who you mean. You like her?”

“Did you
see
the way she claps the clapboard? She's amazing.”

“Until the movie is finished, your relationship needs to stay strictly business. I can't have you complicating things right now. When the movie is done, then you can ask her out.”

“When the movie is done, I'm going to Indiana.”

“She'll still be here when you get back.”

“Is it because you want to ask her out yourself?”

“No!”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I'm sure. Why would I do something like that?”

“You saw her use the clapboard too.”

“I don't even know what that's supposed to mean. Look, Gabe, I'm not trying to horn in on your action. But as you may have noticed, we're having challenges this morning, and what if she laughs in your face? It will be awkward for everyone.”

“I suppose you think she'll laugh in my face but not in yours? What makes your face so great? Huh, Justin? What makes your face so great?”

“You're acting wacky,” Justin noted.

“I'm acting wacky because I've suddenly discovered my inner courage and you're trying to shut me down.”

“Oh. Wow. I'm sorry. I didn't realize this was an inner courage conversation.” Justin patted his friend on the shoulder. “If you want to ask her out, you go right ahead. Just do it quickly because we're really behind schedule.”

Gabe nodded and then walked to the other side of the park to talk to Daisy. They spoke for a moment, and then Gabe returned to Justin, looking disheartened.

“She only dates directors.”

“Oh.”

“So I guess it's safe to make your move.”

“I'm not making any move.”

“You might as well.”

“I have no interest in Daisy.”

“Yeah, I'm sure.”

“I don't!”

“I saw the way you were looking at her.”

“How? With my retinas? How else am I supposed to look at her? Did you forget how I feel about you-know-who?”

Gabe glanced over at Alicia. “Still?”

“Yes!”

“Seriously?”

“Yes!”

“She's kind of a nutcase.”

“I know. I don't care.”

“You should probably care a little. It's useful information.”

“It doesn't matter right now because unlike one of us, I'm here to make a movie, not a baby.”

“You're right. You're right,” said Gabe. “I apologize. I don't know what came over me. I think it's just because normally in this situation I'd be cowardly, so when I realized that I had the potential to not be a total wuss, I felt like I should act upon it.”

“Totally understandable.”

“Did Spork get the whole thing on video?”

“Of course.”

“Oh well. I'll laugh about it when I'm ninety and dead.”

“Should I text the actors for this afternoon and postpone their call time?” Gabe asked Justin.

“How far behind are we?”

“Three hours.”

Justin massaged his forehead. “How are we going to get back on schedule?”

“Not having more disasters might help.”

“Postpone it by one hour. I want to keep moving forward. We'll just try to get Alicia and Christopher's stuff in longer takes instead of setting up so many shots.”

“All right.” Gabe began to send the texts.

“Okay,” said Justin to Alicia and Christopher, “you've been doing a great job so far. I can't promise that you'll both become movie stars, but I guarantee that your pictures will be used in memes. We're pretty far behind because of clown interference, so what I most need from you is to
not stop
during these next few scenes. Stay in character. If you forget your line, make up a different line. If you trip and fall, trip and fall like your character would. We'll fix it in the edit.”

“Understood,” said Alicia.

“Can we have a quick private discussion?” Gabe asked.

“We just had one.”

“This is about something different.”

“Okay.” Justin and Gabe walked over to the teeter-totter, though they did not do any teeter-tottering while they were there. “What's up now?”

“Are we still trying to make the greatest zombie movie ever?”

“Yes.”

“Are you sure? Because comments like ‘If you trip and fall, trip and fall in character' feel like there might be some compromising of our creative vision.”

“I don't need this now, Gabe.”

“No, no, no, I'm not trying to be negative. I'm making sure we're on the same page. If our goal is still to make the greatest zombie movie ever, I'm going to offer different feedback than if we've revised our mission statement to make just a pretty good zombie movie.”

Justin thought about that for a while. “Okay, we're going to make the greatest zombie movie ever that was shot on weekends in a month for almost no money. I think we can still accomplish that.”

“I agree.”

“So maybe we won't make the next
Night of the Living Dead
. Either way, we're going to finish this movie, and it's going to be entertaining enough that nobody involved will be embarrassed by the final product. That's our goal—lack of embarrassment.”

“Awesome. Let's do it.”

Everybody got in their places.

“Action!”

Alicia and Christopher began their dialogue scene. Christopher immediately scooted closer to Alicia, which technically wasn't in character because at this point in their relationship, Runson Mudd would still be worried that Veronica Chaos might rip off most of his lower jaw. Justin didn't call, “Cut!” though. They had to keep moving. Maybe in postproduction he'd digitally add a few inches of space between them.

Bobby was doing a good job with the boom mic. Three different people had independently made jokes about supergluing the pole to his hands, and though they were all clearly kidding, the serious message behind the humor was not lost on Bobby.

As always, Gabe was flawless with the camera work. The actors were perfectly framed and in focus. Everything was going smoothly. They were going to make up the lost time. The only possible little glitch that Justin could see was that a great big fire ant was crawling on Gabe's neck, but Justin hoped Gabe wouldn't notice until the shot was through.

Gabe's eyes darted downward. He couldn't see his own neck, but he knew something was crawling on it.

But Gabe was a master cinematographer, and no ant crawling on his body was going to distract him from his craft. Though he was twitching a bit, he maintained his concentration on the task at hand.

Justin considered reaching over and brushing it off, but that might be more distracting. As long as the ant didn't sting Gabe, it was no big deal. An entire army of ants had been swarming on Bobby, and only two of them had stung him, so the odds were very much in favor of this ant not feeling any particular reason to sting anybody. Why would it? Gabe had done nothing to hurt the ant or its kind, so unless it had vowed revenge against all of humanity for that one time that Bobby lay on an anthill, there was no reason for concern.

Justin realized that he was watching the ant instead of the performance of his actors, which was not the mark of a good director. He ignored the ant and returned his attention to Alicia and Christopher.

“Your hair is the most beautiful shade of lavender I've ever seen,” said Christopher.

“It's not lavender,” said Alicia.

This was nowhere close to any dialogue that appeared anywhere in the script. Justin had encouraged their artistic freedom, but only when they weren't saying dumb things. He pointed to his hair and shook his head, hoping that it conveyed the message, “This dialogue is lame. Say other dialogue.”

“It
is
lavender,” said Christopher. “To me, it's lavender. We're in a whole new world now, Veronica Chaos, and in this world we get to make up our own colors.”

I should probably say, “Cut!” now
, thought Justin.

No. He'd give them a chance to get back on track. Real people said idiotic things all the time, as evidenced by several of the conversations he'd had this very morning. This might give his movie an element of realism that was lacking from other films in the genre.

“Then what color are my eyes?” asked Alicia.

“They're lavender.”

“But they don't match my hair.”

“Don't you see? They don't
need
to match your hair. In this new world, all colors can be lavender if we want them to be. That tree over there? It's lavender. When we chop the head off a zombie, a glorious lavender spray of blood comes out. It's an entire universe of lavender.”

“That's really, really stupid,” said Alicia.

“Yes, it is,” Christopher agreed, “but isn't it wonderful that we have the power to control how stupid the world is? Before, other people were in charge of stupidity, but not anymore! Not anymore!”

Yep, better call, “Cut!”
, thought Justin.

The ant had now crawled up onto Gabe's cheek. He was trying to ignore it, but a thin trickle of sweat was running down his forehead. Justin reached over and brushed the ant off his face.

The ant dropped onto Gabe's neck and then crawled under his shirt collar.

Gabe yelped in pain.

He dropped the camera onto the grass.

Or to be more specific, he dropped the camera onto a rock that rested on the grass.

Justin was sure that the sound of the
crack
did not actually echo. It was all in his mind.

He crouched down and picked up the camera. Much of it, at least eighty percent, was in fine shape. No damage whatsoever. If you ignored the fact that the lens was completely shattered, dropping it onto a rock hadn't been bad at all.

Everybody was very, very silent.

Justin stood up. He tried to turn the camera back on. The only thing that happened was that the bottom of it dropped off, landing on the rock.

Everybody continued to be very, very silent.

Justin picked up the other half of the camera and cradled both halves to his chest like it was an infant.

“The ant went down my shirt and stung me,” Gabe explained.

“I know.”

“Are you mad?”

Justin shook his head. “No.”

“It's okay if you are.”

“I'm not mad.”

“How are you feeling?”

“A little numb.”

“Maybe that is for the best.”

“I also kind of feel like I want to start cackling with laughter. You know, when you just sit in the corner and you rock back and forth and you hug yourself and you just laugh and laugh and laugh and you can't stop? That kind of scary, high-pitched laugh.”

“Like the Joker?”

“Way crazier than that.”

“If you need to do that, go ahead. We've all been there.”

“Nah. It's sufficient that I'm doing it in my mind.”

“Let us know when you're done.”

“I will.”

Everybody went back to being very, very silent. Finally Bobby said, “This is worse than when I dropped the boom mic, right?”

“Not now, Bobby,” said Gabe.

“Really? I thought the question was perfectly timed.” Bobby glanced around at everybody else as if he was trying to see if they agreed with him, but nobody spoke.

“One,” said Justin.

“What?” asked Gabe.

“One.”

“One what?”

“One rock. As far as I can tell, there is only one rock on the ground in this entire park. Everything else is soft grass. Soft, fluffy grass. If the camera had dropped literally anyplace else on the ground, it probably would have bounced right back up into your hand. One rock. Just one.”

“How badly is it damaged?” asked Alicia.

Justin shook the camera. Several pieces fell out.

“You have another one, don't you?”

“No.”

“Can you borrow Spork's?”

Spork shook his head. “My dad said to not let anybody else touch it.”

“Can you buy another one?” Alicia asked Justin.

“We didn't budget for a new camera.”

“Can you get it fixed?”

“I don't know.”

“Can you rent one from somewhere?”

“Maybe.”

“Are you still laughing in your mind?”

“No. Now it's this black void.”

“We can't let this stop us,” said Bobby. “We've got too many sandwiches left.”

“This isn't the end,” said Justin. “All I need is five minutes to have a complete meltdown. When I'm done, I'll come up with a solution, and we'll move forward. Daisy, may I borrow your car for my meltdown?”

“Are you going to break any windows?”

“No.”

“Are you going to rip the upholstery?”

“There won't be any destruction.”

“Will you practice proper bladder control?”

“Yes.”

“All right. It's unlocked.”

Justin walked over to Daisy's car, opened the door, climbed into the front seat, shut the door, checked to make sure that all of the windows were closed all the way, and then let out a loud, long bellow.

It was the loudest and longest bellow of his entire life. He was not typically one to indulge in bellowing, so it wasn't as if there was much to compare it to, but this was twice as loud and at least three times as long as any previous bellow he could remember.

He was pretty sure that everyone could still hear it, but he didn't care.

He bellowed and yelled and screamed and cursed and shouted and hollered and accidentally yodeled and coughed, but he didn't cry. His tear ducts were too manly for that.

“AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!!”

He should have set a timer so he knew when to conclude his meltdown. Oh well. He'd estimate it.

“AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!!”

He wished he hadn't promised not to destroy the upholstery. Gnawing on the seats would help relieve some stress.

Justin bellowed for a while longer, but since he was feeling particularly mature, he decided not to go for the whole five minutes. He got out of the car and returned to the cast and crew.

“We don't have time to get a new camera,” he said. “If we lose any more time, we'll never catch up. Therefore, we're going to make this movie with our phones.”

He looked at Gabe.

“Why are you looking at me?” asked Gabe.

“Because I know you're going to say something.”

“I have no comment about that.”

“Really?”

“No, not really. I just didn't want to be the first one. But since you put me on the spot…I'll say no. I'm not making this movie on a phone. I don't want people to say that it looks like we shot it with our phone. They'll mean it as an insult.”

“It'll be fine…because now we're making a found-footage movie.”

“We are?”

“It's the perfect solution. In a found-footage movie, you don't have to worry about good camera work or keeping things in focus or even if people can tell what's happening.”

“But those are all elements that improve a movie.”

“We'll still have good acting and cool zombies and guts flying everywhere. We'll just pretend that the characters are filming it themselves.”

“We didn't write the script to be found footage.”

“Yeah, and we didn't write the script to be made with a camera that got dropped on a rock!”

“This whole time I've been the one saying we should scale things back,” said Gabe. “I just don't want to scale them back to crap.”

“We're finishing this movie.”

“This isn't the movie we wanted to make anymore.”

“It's the movie
I
still want to make. If you don't like it, you can quit.”

“Then I quit.” Gabe turned and walked away.