GRIND (The Silver Nitrate Series Book 1) (26 page)

“Ouuuuu, you’re wet, baby.” He grinned in her ear as he rubbed up and down her creamy slit. She grinded against his hand, her gasps and breathing hitched against his ministrations. He kissed her again, delved deep in her mouth with his tongue, excited about the prospect of finally getting his damn hands on her.

He liked sex as much as the next man, but more times than not, it was all the same. With Silver, he’d been
waiting
for her, the anticipation driving him crazy. He slipped a finger inside of her, and then another, forcing her to buck against his palm.

“Yeah, that’s it, baby,” he whispered, urging her and warming her up to get her ready for him. And then, something happened—could have been something he said or did to tip her over the edge, but whatever the reason, the joyful balloon burst, the beans spilled, and the war was over.

“No…” She whispered. “Stop… Stop!” With violence, she slammed her hands into his shoulder, trying to push him off her. He did her the honors, yet he was certain the wild anger and bewilderment he felt was dancing in his eyes.

“You don’t have to hit me!” he shouted. “You didn’t give me a chance to get up! Damn! Chill!” He wasn’t certain now where to place his fingers, the two coated with her juices. He simply placed that hand on his thigh, his fingers cool as the air hit them, and the room filling with a sudden, horrible chill, too.

“I can’t do this.” She shook her head, swung her legs around, and sat up, looking down at the ground as if dejected.

“I can’t do this, either.” Getting to his feet, he began the process of putting his clothes back on.

“Oh, so because I changed my mind, you’re leaving?” she scoffed.

“No! I’m leaving because I don’t do threesomes.”

“What? What the hell are you talking about?”

“It’s you, me, and him… that’s bullshit. I’ve been patient with you, not giving you a hard time. You are the one that invited
me
over tonight, and initiated this with
me
, remember? Then, you hit me, right after telling me to stop, like I didn’t make any effort to get up. I was trying to remove my damn hand from your pussy, and do as you asked. I don’t like this shit, Silver.”

“I’m not going to argue with you.” She reached for her clothing and slowly began the process of redressing.

“It’s not an argument. It’s a damn discussion and you best learn the difference. You need help! You need to talk to a friend, somebody, shit. You say you want me, but then you do this shit… like we’re teenagers or something. What the fuck are you doing?!”

“I don’t know! And I
do
want you!”

“Then find out and find a way to stop blaming yourself for some shit that wasn’t your fault so we can be together, damn it! I have really strong feelings for you! It’s been driving me crazy. I think about you all the time, Javier, all the guys know I’m crazy about you. I told them everything. I
never
do that shit! Either do this with me, or leave me the fuck alone, and I’m not talking about sex.” He pointed down at her as she sat on the couch, seeming to sink into the fabric. “I’m talking about letting me in your head and your heart! I want you. What else do I have to do to show you that you’re not a fuckin’ video game to me?! This isn’t something I’m doin’ to get the highest score. This is the real deal. I love you, Silver!”

There. He’d said it.

“This is the real McCoy, real life, mine and yours! I’m not some toy for you to play and tinker with. I’m a man who cares about you. This is my goddamn life, okay? Do you think I’d have sex with you, after all we’ve talked about and shared, without taking it seriously? This is crazy. I’ve never let a woman get as close to me as you have. I’m not pissed about you stopping us from fuckin’—well, a little, but that’s not the biggest point. I’m pissed because you’re destroying us and pushing away what we have. We’ve come so far and now… now you’re going in reverse.”

She simply stared at him, stunned.

“Zenith, please sit down.”

He pulled up his zipper, hesitated, then did as she asked.

“I’m sorry. I know… I’ve got to do something. You’re right.” She sniffed.

He crossed his arms. His dick was pissed, and so was he, but he couldn’t very well turn his back on her. He meant what he’d said. He loved her.

“I have strong feelings for you, too… that’s what I’m struggling with, actually…and I think I love you, too,” she confessed as he sensed her struggle to make eye contact with him. She finally succeeded. “We’ve been going out, talking… We fall asleep on the damn phone together.” She laughed sadly. “We talk about all sorts of things; my family and friends even know about you now too, Zenith. I told my mama about you before we went out, and she knows all about our dates… even wants to meet you.”

He swallowed, any words he could have said stuck in his throat.

“What do you want me to do, Zenith?” Her voice cracked as she reached over and grabbed his hand.

“Look, Silver.” He closed his eyes for a brief moment, calmed down. “I can’t tell you what you need to do or how to handle this. All I can ask is that you to do
something
because what we’ve got is too good to get messed up on account of something that could’ve been avoided. If you hated my guts or we didn’t get along, or something like that—that would be different. I just need you take care of yourself. ’Cause I want you, and I believe you when you say you want me, too.”

She nodded. “Give me a little time, please. I’ll try, okay? I don’t know what I’m going to do. Counseling is not really something I’d think would help and honestly, my friends… I don’t know.” She shrugged. “I know what all of them would say; it would be the right words, but not enough. I don’t even make sense.” She shook her head as if pissed with herself.

“You do make sense. You’re going to have to love yourself enough to allow someone else to love you again, too. It’s time, and you deserve it.”

She looked up at him and smiled.

“And that someone is me… Find a way to let me in. I’m knocking…”

Zenith was gone,
but his cologne remained…

Silver sat on the edge of the couch, her pouring pussy still pulsing from the way he moved his thick fingers within her. The man had no idea what he’d done to her. Her heart was in this; it was in this
deep
, and she didn’t want to ruin it. On a deep exhale, she stretched along the couch and looked up at the ceiling, her thoughts scattered, then coming clear…

Yeah, he’s definitely right. I have to do something about this. I knew it before this shit even happened… before I even met him but I just…shit—doesn’t even matter now. The past is the past. What’s so messed up is that I wanted him so bad. Hell, I invited him over here to do just what we did, but it wasn’t supposed to end this way.

On a frustrated sigh, she closed her eyes and continued to work out the shit in her head, the crazy shit, the shit she didn’t want to face, hear, or see, and definitely not deal with on any damn level to get the highest score.

But she had to. She was in love… terribly in love.

I’m sabotaging this, and that’s not what I want. No, that’s not what I want at all. David is in this room; his memory lives inside of my head. He’s taken over my life… No, he didn’t do this, I allowed this to happen. I can’t blame him. Silver, YOU did this! Nothing about this is healthy, nothing about this is right. Mama is right, I’ve changed.

The truth of the matter hit her like a ton of bricks. Being in denial was not her forte, but she was drowning in the shit, running from the core of her woes and turning down dead end after dead end.

I’m not holding out… I’m holding in…

I want this to work with Zenith. I want this to work for ME. We deserve better than this.

She reflected back on the look in his eyes as they argued moments earlier; the heated rage and love and compassion all merged and blended together when he told her just what the hell he thought. She could not only see the love the man had for her pouring forth as he ranted and raved; she could
feel
it. It occupied the whole damn room.

How can I jeopardize something like that? How can I let that go? I can’t… I’ve seen it, I’ve felt it, and I want to hold onto it. That man loves me… Look at what he’s put up with. If I were him, I may have walked away… but he hasn’t. He sees something in me; he sees the real me floating beneath the surface. I know this isn’t just about sex for him. It’s so much more…

Her thoughts drifted to their countless dates and endless phone calls she’d had with the man… the beautiful and funny text messages. He was wooing her, calling her to him, making her feel soul comfort, emotional safety, and spiritual security. No… this was far deeper than sex.

This was about love. This was about life, and in life, there was no room to lament over death, especially bereavement that was laced in the spikey restrains of guilt…

I want to be whole. I want to be me again. And… I want to be free…

Z
enith set his
goggles down and looked towards the nearby half-way-cranked garage door. A cool breeze flowed through from the outside into the dim space, but it did little to stop his trickling sweat. He glanced at the vintage black and white clock on the wall, and swiped at a strand of hair that had escaped his ponytail band. It continued to fall, dancing across his eyebrow in the most annoying of ways. His face itched with caked dust and debris that mixed with perspiration, making a mess of things. He took a deep breath and cracked his knuckles, trying to ignore the inflammation in his peepers. His damn eyes felt dry, like an old autumn leaf had crumbled right into them.

“Oh, here he is,” he mumbled at the approach of a slightly slumped man in a mushroom colored jumpsuit, a tin lunch pail in his hand.

“Are you Zenith?” The man drew closer and stretched his arm out for a shake. Zenith took note of the old, light blue tattoos along his wrist, the kind that had faded from decades ago.

“Yeah, your name is Larry, right?”

“Yeah.” The man smiled, exposing a missing molar and some of the smallest teeth Zenith had ever seen crammed in an adult mouth. “Sorry I’m late.” He checked the joint, a slightly goofy smile on his face as he scanned the other guys. “I just moved here from midtown and don’t know my way around too well yet. I never came up to Syracuse; well, once, like fifteen years ago.” He laughed.