Growing Up Native American (31 page)

F
or many Native American children in the foster care system, incidents of physical abuse are often compounded by psychological assaults of racial and cultural bigotry, Vickie Sears's short story, “Grace,” demonstrates that the Trail of Tears is not yet over for Native American people. The personal suffering endured by nine-year-old Jody Ann and her younger brother acts as a mirror for the historical and contemporary abuse, disruption, and dislocation of Native American people in North America
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Vickie L. Sears (Cherokee) is a writer, storyteller, and psychotherapist. She currently lives and works in Seattle, Washington
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I
THOUGHT WE WERE GOING TO ANOTHER FARM BECAUSE IT WAS
time for spring planting. But the lady, she said we were going to be her children. You know how it is grownups talk. You can't trust them for nothing. I just kept telling my brother that we best keep thinking of ourselves as orphans. Our parents got a divorce and we don't know where they are, so we need to keep our thinking straight and not get fooled by this lady. I don't care if her skin is brown just like us, that don't mean nothing.

I hear my brother dozing off to sleep and I want to shake him, wake up, but these people are driving this truck and they can hear everything I say anyhow, so I just let him sleep.

This is the second time we've been riding in this old beat-up
green pickup. The first time they came and got us from the children's home they took us down to Pioneer Square. I could see right away they was farm people by the truck having straw in the back and them not having real good clothes, like they wear in the city. City people talk more too. These people were real quiet right off. They answered the questions the orphanage people asked them but they didn't tell them much of anything. I guess I liked that some, but I wasn't going to tell them nothing about me. Who knew what they'd do? We never went nowheres before with brown people.

The man, he had on bluejeans and a flannel shirt and a jean jacket. His hat was all sweaty and beat up like his long skinny face. His boots was old, too. I guessed they didn't have much money and were needing to get some kids to help them with their work. Probably we'd stay with them until harvest time and then go back to the orphanage. That happened before, so it didn't matter much anyhow.

The woman was old and skinny. She had hands what was all chewed up and fat at the knuckles and she kept rubbing them all the time. She had white hair with little bits of black ones popping out like they was sorry to be in there by themselves. She had a big nose like our daddy has, if he still is alive, that is. She and the man was brown and talked like my daddy's mother, Grandmother, she talks kind of slow and not so much in English. These people, though, they talked English. They just didn't talk much.

When they said they was going to take us downtown I thought they was going to take us to a tavern because that's where the orphanage lady took me real late one night, to show me where all the Indian women was and what kind of people they are, always being drunk and laying up with men. That woman said that is all us Indian girls like to do and I will be just like that too, so I thought that's where these people would take us, but they didn't. They took us to dinner at this real nice place and let us have soda pop and even bought us a dessert. Me and Brother both got us apple pie, with ice cream, all to ourselves. I started thinking maybe these people are okay, but a part inside of me told me I best not get myself fooled. So I told them they wouldn't want us to live with them because my brother is a
sissy and I'm a tomboy. But the lady said, “We like tomboys and Billie Jim looks like he is a strong boy. You both look just fine to us.” Then they took us to walk in the square and we stopped by this totem pole. The orphanage lady told me that pole was a pretend God and that was wrong because God was up in heaven and the Indian people was bad who made the pole. This lady, though, she said that the totem pole was to make a song about the dead people and animals and that it was a good and beautiful thing. She had Brother and me feel the inside of the pole. Like listening to its belly. I don't know what she meant by that, but the wood was nice. I liked better what she said about the pole.

We walked around for a while and then they took us back to the orphanage. The lady said they would come back, when all the paper work was done, to get Brother and me, but I thought she was just talking big, so I said “Sure,” and me and Brother went inside. We watched them drive away. I didn't think they would come back, but I thought about them being brown just like my daddy and aunts and uncles and Brother and me. They were more brown than us, but I wondered if they were Indian. They didn't drink, though, so maybe not.

We didn't see those people for a long time. Brother and me went to a big house to help clean for spring coming. I don't see why you clean a house so good just because the seasons change, but we done that anyway and then went back to the orphanage. I kept thinking on how nice those farmers were and how they might be Indians, but I didn't want to ask anybody about them. Maybe, if it was for real that they were going to come back for us, it would spoil it to ask about them. Seems like you don't ever get things just because you want them so it's better not to ask.

Then, one day, one of the matrons comes to tell me to find Billie Jim because there are some people come to visit.

My brother was up in a tree hiding from some of the big boys. First, I had to beat up Joey so's he would let Billie Jim come out the tree. We rolled in the dirt fighting and I knew I was going to be in trouble because I was all dirty and there was blood on my face. I thought I would get whomped too for getting in a fight. I spit on my hand to try to clean up my face,
but I could see by the scowl on the matron's face that I didn't look so good. I pushed Brother in front of me because he was clean and maybe the people wouldn't see me so much. We went into the visiting room and I saw it was those farmers whose names I didn't remember. They asked the boss man of the home if they could take us now. He said, “Yes. It's so nice to place these ‘special' children. I hope they'll be everything you want.”

The man reached out his hand and the farmer brought his long arm out his sleeve. The orphanage man pumped his arm up and down, but the farmer just held his still. It was funny to see. The woman, she just barely touched the hand of the man. She was not smiling. I thought something was wrong, but I knew we were going with these people anyhow. I never cared much about where I went, long as the people didn't beat on us with sticks and big belts.

We didn't have to do nothing to get ready because we found our suitcases in the hall by the bottom of the stairs. The boss man gave Brother and me our coats and said, “You be good children and perhaps we won't have to see you here again.”

I wanted to tell him I didn't like him, but I just took Brother's hand and we went out the door.

The people went to lots of stores downtown and then we went to lunch again.

I asked them, “Do you use a stick or strap for spanking?”

The man said, “We don't believe in spanking.”

Before I could say anything, Billie Jim pinched me under the table and I knew he had to go bathroom. So I said, “Excuse us,” and we got up to leave. The lady, she asked Billie Jim, “Do you have to go to the bathroom?”

Brother just shook his head and the woman said, “Paul, you take him.”

They left and I worried about Paul messing with Billie Jim. My stomach felt all like throw up. When they came back, I asked Billie Jim, in our secret way, if something happened and he whispered no.

I wondered if these people were going to be all right, but I kept on guard because grownups do weird things all the time, when you never know they're going to.

After we ate, we walked and stopped at this drinking fountain
what is a statue of Chief Sealth. Paul, he told us what a great man Sealth was and Billie Jim asked, “You know him?”

Both Paul and the woman laughed and Paul said, “No. He lived a long time ago. He's a stranger with a good heart.”

Then the woman reached down to take my hand, but I didn't want her to get me, so I told her I had to take care of my brother and took Billie Jim's hand.

So then we were riding in this truck going to some place I never heard of, called Walla Walla. Grace, that's the lady's name, said they lived on a farm with chickens, pigs, a horse, and lots of things growing. She said we can have a place all our very own to grow things. When I sat down next to her, she let me ride by the window. I seen how my legs didn't touch the floor and how long hers were. She wasn't as long as her husband, but way bigger than me. She put my brother in her lap where he went to sleep, with his chubby fingers in her hand, but I stood guard just in case things got weird. Paul said I should help him drive home by looking at the map so he'd know the roads he was going on. I thought that was dumb because I knew he came to the city lots and must know how to get hisself home. I went along with him though, because he seemed to be nice and it was easy for me. I can read real good cause I'm nine years old. I told him that and see that Grace is smiling. She's got wrinkles that come out the corners of her eyes and more that go down her cheeks. She has on a smelly powder that reminds me of cookies. She says that there are lots of other children in neighbors' farms and that they have grandchildren who visit them lots. I guessed I would have to do lots of babysitting.

It's a long long ways to where they live and I couldn't stay awake the whole time. I woke up when Grace said, “Come on, sleepy heads. It's time to go to bed.”

She gave my brother to Paul to carry, but I walked by myself, up one step into the house. We went through the kitchen, up some stairs, to the second floor with four bedrooms and a bathroom. She asked me if I have to go to the bathroom and I said yes. She showed me it and then closed the door. That's funny because she didn't stay. After a while, she came to knock and say, “There's a nightgown on your bed. I'll show you where you will sleep.”

She took me to a room with only one bed with nobody else in it. I asked her, “Where's Brother going to sleep?”

Grace tried to take my hand to go with her, but I put it behind my back and followed her. She led me down the hall to a room where Billie Jim was already in a bed, all by hisself, sound asleep. Then we went to a room Grace said was for her and Paul and said I could come there if I'm scared or having a bad dream.

I told her, “I don't never have bad dreams and can take care of myself.”

She asked me, “May I help you with your nightgown?”

Then I knew she was going to do bad things like the orphanage woman and I wanted to grab Billie Jim and run, but I didn't know where I was. I started to back down to where she said to sleep and she said, “It's all right if you don't want any help. Have a good sleep.”

She went into her room and I watched until she closed the door. There was a lamp beside the bed and I slept with it on.

The first thing I did the next morning was check on Billie Jim. I asked him if they messed with him and he said no again. Nobody came into the room I was in either. We got dressed together and then went downstairs. Already Paul and Grace were up and at the breakfast table.

Grace asked, “What would you like for breakfast? Pancakes or bacon and eggs?”

Billie Jim said, “We can pick?”

“Sure,” Grace said, “all you have to do is to wash your face and hands before coming to table. Can't have you start the day with a dirty face.”

We looked on each other and saw we was dirty.

Grace said, “There's a pump here, if you want, or you can go upstairs to the bathroom.”

We wanted to use that red pump with the very high handle. I tried to make it give water, but Grace thought she had to help push it down. She put her hand over mine but I moved mine. She smiled though, so I let her pump the water into a tin basin and give me a big brown bar of soap. She said she made it out of pig fat. It smelled icky but it made lots of bubbles.

After we ate, Paul said, “Come on, kids. I'll introduce you to our animal friends.”

He put on his hat and opened the green screen door. There wasn't no grass nowhere. Just dirt, except where there was tall stuff growing. Paul told us it was alfalfa and wheat and that it got really high before you cut it. He took us into the barn to show us Henry, who was this old horse what lived there forever.

Out back of the barn was a pen with big fat pigs and a mommy one with some babies. I didn't like them much, but Billie Jim asked if he can touch them and Paul said, “Sure,” so Billie Jim went into the pen and one of them pigs ran after him so Billie Jim screamed and the pig pushed him up against the barn wall so Paul had to chase the pig away. Billie Jim done good though and didn't even cry.

Paul walked us to the chicken house and showed us Rhode Island Reds and bantams. He taught us how to fill a basket with eggs by taking them out from under the chickens. I thought the chickens was mean, though, because they tried to bite us. Paul laughed and said as how it will get easier to do. Then we met the cows and Paul tried to teach us to milk them. I couldn't make nothing come out, though Billie Jim got a little. The warm milk tasked icky. We walked all over the place that morning and then we got to ride on a tractor with Paul for a long time.

I was sleepy, but Billie Jim wanted to do more things, so we went down to this wooden bridge which went over this river that Paul showed to us. He said we should be very careful to not fall into the river because it was very fast and we would be drownded.

Down to the bridge, I layed on my tummy and Billie Jim was on his and we poked at knotholes in the wood. The water was so fast it went around and around while it was going all wavery at the same time. When we put sticks through the knotholes, the water would just pull them right away like it was never going get fed another stick. We did that a long time until we heard Grace calling us to lunch.