Grundish & Askew (32 page)

[29] Rock-n-Roll mythology provides that during a concert, Alice Cooper once shat on the stage and Frank Zappa ate the shit. Some versions have Zappa shitting and Alice Cooper eating it. Other versions have Alice Cooper stomping baby chickens to death and then Zappa shitting on the stage. Responding to the allegations, Frank Zappa denied the rumors, saying that he never shit on stage and the closest that he ever came to eating shit was at a Holiday Inn in Fayetteville, North Carolina, in 1973.

[30] Cordozar Calvin Broadus, Jr., is the given name of rapper, actor, certified football coach, and creator of the Pig-Latin-like suffix
-izzle
, Snoop Dogg.

[31] Sordes Pilosus is a small pterosaur that lived during the late Jurassic period of the Mesozoic Era. It’s name literally means hairy devil.

[32] On September 13, 1980, Willie Nelson performed on the south lawn of the White House for President Jimmy Carter. First Lady Rosalyn Carter joined Nelson for a duet of
Up Against the Wall Redneck Mother
. Later that night, Nelson retired to the roof of the White House to smoke a joint. In his biography, Nelson admitted that whenever he stayed at the White House, he would smoke a “big fat Austin Torpedo.”

[33] The Aztecs are said to have sacrificed at least one person per day to aid the sun in rising. A good portion of the humans sacrificed were war captives. It was said that those who were sacrificed would become helpers of the sun and could return as humming birds and butterflies.

[34] In the seventeenth century, the Roman Catholic Church ruled that beaver was a fish for purposes of dietary law. Therefore, the Church’s general prohibition on the consumption of meat on Fridays during Lent does not apply to beaver meat.

[35] Some members of the Church of Latter-day Saints wear what is known as temple garments (or holy undergarments). The white, sleeved undergarments come in a one-piece suit or a shirt and shorts. The design covers the torso and extends to the knee. Men’s shirts feature scoop necks. Women’s shirts often have cap sleeves and lace trimming and are to be worn under bras. The temple garments are viewed as an either symbolic or literal source of protection from the evils of the world. Jerry is not Mormon, he just likes the idea of undergarments that protect him from evil.

[36] Yes another made up word. Scritch seems like a better word for the act of scratching an animal’s head affectionately. Credit is given to Marcus Eder, author of
Rorschach’s Ribs
for the word.

[37] What’s the difference between a dead prostitute and a Corvette? I don’t have a Corvette in my garage.

[38] Humans are not the only animals that participate in prostitution. Adelie penguins have been observed conducting transactions for sex. Some of the female penguins have been observed “turning tricks” for stones used to build their nests. Typically the females already have a lifelong mate (as penguins do) but will copulate with single males in the flock in exchange for stones.

[39] Cabron is Spanish for bastard. More fun Spanish vulgarity: cagar is to crap; puta is whore; mierda is shit; cojones are testicles.

[40] Psychogenic polydipsia is an uncommon mental disorder characterized by excessive water-drinking in the absence of a physiologic stimulus to drink.

[41] A bezoar formed from hair is called a trichobezoar. Rapunzel Syndrome is a rare intestinal affliction in humans which results from eating hair and causes the formation of a trichobezoar. The human gastrointestinal tract is unable to digest human hair, so, trichobezoars usually need to be surgically removed. A bezoar in the large intestine is known as a fecalith.

[42] The world record for the loudest burp is 107.1 decibels, set by Paul Hunn in London, England, on September 24, 2008.

[43] La Maja Desnuda (The Nude Maja), c. 1800, by master Spanish painter, Francisco De Goya, is considered to probably be the first well-known European painting to show a female’s pubic hair.

[44] Nineteen is the number of angels who are appointed as guardians of hell, according to the Qur’an, (Sura 74:30).

[45] Timber rattlesnakes.

[46] Contrary to popular belief, the gelatin in foodstuffs such as Jell-O, does not come from horse hooves. Horse hooves are made of keratin. Gelatin is made from collagen that is derived from cattle bones, cattle hides, and pigskins.

[47] Olde Frothingslosh, the pale stale ale with the foam on the bottom. Brewed by the Pittsburgh Brewing Company. Guaranteed to fit any shape glass.

[48] The familiar term
Slipping a Mickey
refers to the practice of secretly dosing a person’s drink with chloral hydrate in order to incapacitate the person. The terms Mickey and Mickey Finn (the drink in which the drug has been placed) are likely derived from Michael “Mickey” Finn, a Chicago bartender for the Lone Star Saloon and Palm Garden Restaurant. In the early 1900s Finn was accused of slipping knock-out drops into the drinks of customers known to have money, having the incapacitated patrons of his establishment dragged to a back room where they would be divested of their belongings, and then dumping the victims into the back alley.

[49] Be on the lookout.

SMASHED, SQUASHED, SPLATTERED, CHEWED CHUNKED AND SPEWED
–
Idjit Galoot has a problem. He escaped from his master’s house for a brief romp around town, seeking out easy targets such as bitches in heat, fresh roadkill and unguarded garbage cans. When he returns to his house, the aged basset hound discovers that his master has packed up their belongings and moved to Florida without him.
Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed
is the story of Idjit Galoot’s ne’er do well owner and his efforts to work his way back to the dog that he loves. Along the way, Idjit’s owner encounters Christian terrorists, swamp-dwelling taxidermists, carnies, a b-list poopie-groupie, bluesmen on the run from a trickster deity, and the Florida Skunk Ape.

RORSCHACH’S RIBS
, by Marcus Eder – Escher Smallwater can’t sleep in. That’s the least of his problems. Two years shy of thirty and recently laid off from his job in advertising, Escher has a lot to deal with in his life right now. Forced to make some changes since losing his job, his lifestyle is gone and suddenly the American Dream seems more like a nightmare. As Corporate Charlie bares his darker side by way of recessions and hiring freezes, Escher has found himself with more time to reassess his life, and he’s mad as hell. He will never be a rock star or date a supermodel. He doesn’t get carded at bars anymore, teenagers now think of him as creepy, and he prefers VH1 over MTV. He’s never been in love, his career path has essentially disappeared and somehow, he and his neighbors have inadvertently become the drug kingpins of St. Louis. A life once filled with Ikea catalogs and cubicles now consist of consumer guerillaism, lesbian strippers and a gold-toothed thug named
Mo-Mo
. All this and an impending high school reunion. Maintaining a sense of humor while exploring the darker side of contemporary culture,
Rorschach’s Ribs
explores what happens when the first generation destined to do worse than their parents grows old and starts questioning the American Dream. Through an eccentric, colorful cast of characters and a sharp cynical wit,
Rorschach’s Ribs
delves into a world of layoffs, recessions, target markets and the underbelly of capitalism.

NOBODY PUTS SWAYZE IN THE CORNER: THE TAO OF SWAYZE
, b
y Phil Callaway, Marcus Eder – You got your Tao in my Swayze. Your Swayze’s in my Tao. Within the ancient passages of the Tao Te Ching there is great wisdom on how to live your daily life; how to live
The Way
. The same life lessons can be found in the sage-like colloquies born out of Patrick Swayze’s storied film career. This book pairs the philosophies of the Tao with various quotes from Patrick Swayze’s movies, offering inspiration and humor. Proceeds from this book will be donated to help fund Cancer Research. Please visit the publisher, Vicious Books, for more information.

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Chapter the Last
Muchas Gracias
Excetra
Endnotes
Copyright and Permissions

GRUNDISH & ASKEW

Copyright © 2009 by Lance Carbuncle
lancecarbuncle.com

PUBLISHED BY:
Vicious Galoot Books, Co.
412 East Madison Street, Suite 1111
Tampa, Florida 33602

All rights reserved. Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise) without the prior written permission of both the copyright owners and the above publisher of this book.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, brands, media, and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. The author acknowledges the trademarked status and trademark owners of various products referenced in this work of fiction, which have been used without permission. The publication/use of these trademarks is not authorized, associated with, or sponsored by the trademark owners.

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