Guardian of Eden (3 page)

“A dictionary.”

***

By the time Eden was ready to be born, Joel had kicked us out. In his words, he didn’t like “smart-ass niggers staring at him all the time.” Holly cried for days claiming that she had no one to love her or take care of her. I thought it was for the best. I knew I could take care of her.

 I borrowed a newspaper from the school library and searched for places we could afford. Soon we moved to an apartment. It was small, and it still had roaches, but at least it didn’t have Joel. Three days later, Eden was born.

Every day I rushed home from school just so I could see Eden and play with her and take care of her. My mother actually depended on me to come home straight from school. By the time I was seven, I was babysitting Eden all by myself. Sometimes my mother would stay out all night and leave me alone with baby Eden. Once, she didn’t get back until 1:00 in the afternoon the next day and I had to miss school. I didn’t mind though. I was glad I could be there for Eden especially since my mother came home smelling of alcohol all the time.

“
Why is that baby crying?” my mother asked one night after she had been asleep all day. Eden had been crying for 20 minutes and it finally woke her up. I was usually really good at keeping Eden quiet while my mother slept. I would read the encyclopedia to her and she’d stare at me with her brown-green eyes like she actually understood me. She was perfectly happy just sitting in my lap for hours on end. But tonight was different.

“She’s hungry,” I said.

“Then feed her.” Holly said this as if I hadn’t already thought of that.

“There’s no food.”

“What happened to all those little milks I brought?” She was referring to the little cartons of milk they gave out at school. She, of course, didn’t bring them, I did. I would do other kids’ homework in exchange for their lunches at school and bring the food home for me and Eden to eat. But since I didn’t go to school that day, I had run out of food.

“It’s all gone. There’s nothing left,” I said.

My mother yawned and scratched her head. Eden kept crying.

“
Good God, shut up!”

Eden cried louder. My mother stood up and tried to take Eden from my arms.

“
Gawie
,
Gawie
,” Eden cried as my mother wrenched her away from me. My mother started shaking her. Eden kept crying. Then my mother threw Eden on the bed and slapped her across the face. I lunged for my mother and bit her on the leg. She screamed and fell to the floor.

I felt something warm inside me. It felt like a fire that started in my stomach and went up my chest and up my neck to my face. Everything inside me burned. I stood over my mother and said, “If you ever hit my sister again, I’ll kill you.” My mother looked scared. She was afraid of her seven-year-old son. There was something in my voice or in my eyes that told her that, if necessary, I
would
kill her.

The next morning, my mother was gone. I didn’t think anything of it at first. She often left in the middle of the night and met with ‘friends.’ She usually left a wad of cash on the kitchen table for me and she always returned within a day. I took it as an excuse to skip school and spend some quality time with my baby sister.

With Eden in arms, I checked the kitchen table. No cash. I didn’t panic. I figured it just meant she wouldn’t be gone too long. I checked the refrigerator and the cabinets. We only had flour, beer, and a can of string beans in the apartment. I took the green beans, cut them into tiny pieces, added water and the flour. Eden ate it up greedily.
Either it
tasted pretty good or she just trusted me so implicitly, she would eat anything I placed in front of her. Or maybe she was just that hungry. My green bean soup lasted through breakfast and lunch, but by dinner the pot was empty. I read to Eden until she fell asleep. It took longer than usual because she kept pointing toward the refrigerator.

I didn’t get much sleep that night in between staring at the doorway waiting for Holly and running to the bedroom to comfort a hungry crying little girl. As the sun rose, so did the tears behind my eyes. What if she never came back? What would Eden and I do? I wondered if Ms. Brooks had room in her home for both of us. What if she didn’t have room and they had to split us up? Suddenly, my throat hurt and I had trouble swallowing. The room starting spinning and I felt weak. I thought I might pass out until I heard Eden crying. She needed me. I had to be strong so I could take care of her. She had no one else.

“Eat,
Gawie
, Eat,” my two-year-old sister said when I entered her room.

I forced a smile on my face and picked her up. “Okay, Bug. We’ll eat. But first, why don’t you draw me a picture of what you want for breakfast.” I spread some paper on the floor and handed her a couple of crayons. I hoped this would distract her long enough for me to think of a plan.

“What do you have there?” I asked when she held up her drawing.

“
Cakes!” she said, pointing to the center of the page. That’s what she called pancakes.

 “What’s that?” I pointed to another part of the paper.

“Con-con.”
That was her word for bacon.

“And I guess those are eggs?” I asked, pointing to a purple scribble. Most of the picture was in purple. It was her favorite color.

She nodded. “Eat now,
Gawie
? Eat now?”

The dizziness returned along with a churning in my belly. I fought back the tears. I had to be strong.

I loaded Eden into her stroller and started walking. I didn’t know where I was going, but I just had to get out of that cramped apartment. I ended up at the grocery store roaming the aisles knowing I didn’t have enough money to buy anything. All I had was 75 cents. I fingered the three coins in my pocket as Eden grabbed a box of granola bars from off the shelf.

“Eat?” she asked, holding up the box pleading with her eyes for me to open it.

I silently cursed Holly for doing this to her. I could understand why she would leave me. No one besides Grandma Jean had ever wanted me. But how could she leave such a sweet, innocent, beautiful little girl?

My anxiety turned to anger as I did something I never thought I’d do. I pushed Eden’s stroller into the bathroom with the box of granola bars. We sat in a stall and ate the whole box. Eden laughed and giggled as she smeared chocolate on her face. My anger subsided as I watched the joy on her angelic face.

I filled the empty container with a roll of toilet paper then placed it back on the shelf. On the way out, I bought a can of milk so it wouldn’t seem like I had been wandering around the store for no reason. I felt guilty stealing food, but I had no choice. I had to feed my baby sister.

I didn’t want to have to steal again, so before we got home, I stopped at Wendy’s and stuffed my pockets full of condiments and crackers. That night, I made tomato soup with the ketchup packets, canned milk, and water.

Two days later, as I came home from another ‘shopping’ expedition, I found my mother in the kitchen.

“You two must be hungry. I made grilled cheese.” My mother placed two plates on the table and gestured for us to sit down. Eden ran to our mother and wrapped her arms around her legs completely forgetting and forgiving the fact that she had abandoned us for four days.

“Where were you?” I asked. My mother ignored my question as she picked up Eden, placed her in a chair and handed her an entire grilled cheese sandwich. “That’s too big for her. You have to break it up.” I grabbed the sandwich out of Eden’s hand and tore it into little pieces.

“She’s fine, Garrett. She has teeth, you know. You worry too much.”

“Well, someone has to worry about her. You obviously don’t.” I folded up the stroller and threw it behind the couch.

My mother closed her eyes and sighed. “I guess I deserve that.”

“Well, where have you been?”

“Look, baby, I got into some really bad stuff and I was really messed up and I didn’t want you to see me like that. I came back as soon as I got cleaned up. Didn’t
Sharlinda
from next door look in on you?” I shook my head. “I’m so sorry, Garrett. It won’t happen again.”

I stared at my mother and tried to believe her. I couldn’t. She smiled at me and held out the sandwich as a peace offering. I shook my head and went to my room. She disappeared like that two more times that year alone.

***

"I said not tonight, Jimmy!" I heard my mother's voice through the paper-thin walls of our little apartment. It was three o'clock in the morning but I wasn't asleep. I never slept much. Not at home anyway. I had to be alert to protect my mother and Eden.

Four-year-old Eden was curled up in a ball next to me in the bed we shared. She could sleep through anything, but not me. I always knew when my mother was fighting with one of her boyfriends. I moved Eden aside as I crawled out of bed. I opened the top drawer of my dresser, the drawer Eden couldn't reach, and pulled out the knife I hid there.

I called 911 then went to my mother's room. Jimmy was on top of her. Holly was crying and trying to twist out of his grasp. He had her arms pinned above her head with one hand and was ripping off her clothes with the other. I remember he was naked and sweaty. I knew he needed to be stopped.

"Jimmy, you're drunk! Stop it! You're
gonna
wake my kids!"

"If you just shut up and give me some, they won't wake up!"

"She said no!" I yelled with my hands behind my back concealing the knife.

"Garrett sweetie, go back to bed. I can handle this." My mother tried to sound calm, but I could see the terror in her face.

Jimmy looked at me and laughed. I showed him the knife to make him stop laughing, but he didn't. Anger ignited a fire in me and I lunged for him. Jimmy's eyes widened with surprise at my strength. Pain and fear flashed in his eyes as I plunged the knife into his leg. Jimmy screamed in agony. My mother screamed in horror.

"You damned little nigger!" he yelled, reaching behind to grab my neck. He squeezed tighter and tighter until it was hard for me to breathe. My mother picked up a lamp and hit Jimmy over the head with it but he didn't loosen his grip. Suddenly, I felt like I was flying, then everything went black.

***

"Are you
gonna
die, Gary?" Eden asked as she crawled into my hospital bed with me. Jimmy had thrown me against the wall giving me a concussion and breaking my arm. I didn’t regret stabbing him. He deserved it. And I didn’t even care that I had gotten hurt in the process. I was just sorry that Eden had to see me in pain.

"No, I'm not going to die." I hugged her tightly even though my arm was killing me.

"Cause if you died, who would take care of me?" My mother stood in the doorway. She started crying when she heard Eden's question. Her beautiful face had been beaten black and blue. I felt sorry for my mother as well. For all her faults, she didn't deserve the treatment she received from men. I wondered how she ended up that way. What had gone so wrong in her life to cause her to make one bad decision after another and cling to men that did nothing but hurt her? How did she end up with no one to protect her?
No one, except me.