Gus (28 page)

"How are you gonna get Stella clean, dude? She's wearing a good three buckets of sand. And that's just in her hair." We've been outside for the past three hours and she's having the time of her life. Keller and I just tapped out of the sandcastle making marathon to sit down and rest when Impatient and Pax came out to play with her.

He's shaking his head. "I have no idea. I guess we'll cross that bridge when it's time to go inside. Maybe I'll take her out in the water with her clothes on and hope it all washes away. Or I'll hold her upside down by the ankles and let gravity do the work." He's smiling by the time he's done talking, because he can't do anything else when it comes to Stella. She has him, and everyone else, under a spell.

"So, what's up with your family? Your parents got divorced, huh?"
 

He nods slowly like he's still trying to process what happened. "Yeah, it was a little crazy. My father filed for divorce and moved out of their place last year just before Christmas. I didn't find out until after Katie's funeral. With my mother being a lawyer," he pauses, "and, well, being my mother, the whole thing was pretty contentious. It dragged on for months." He lifts a brow and glances at me. "She's the type of person who always has to be right and get the last word, you know? So it was brutal for my father. He just wanted out. Just wanted to walk away, even if it was only with the clothes on his back. She wanted to fight, because that's what she does best."

"It was ugly, huh?" Dude, I feel bad for them. I've never understood how you could grow to hate someone you once loved. And to hate them to the point that you want to hurt them, break them.

"Ugly doesn't begin to describe it. He had a good lawyer though. She got the house, but he ended up with enough money to be comfortable."

"That sucks, dude. I'm sorry."

He shakes his head. "Don't be sorry. It was a blessing in disguise. My father always lived under the shadow of my mother. I never really had a relationship with him because of it. Since they've split, he's a different person. He's the father I always wanted and needed. It sucks that he had to go through it all, but in the end, it's the best thing he's ever done. He's finally happy. You have no idea what it's like to watch a middle-aged man come into his own. It's actually pretty damn inspiring."

"So where does he live now?"

"He rents a small studio apartment a few blocks from the hospital in Chicago. It's practical, simple. He can walk to work. He loves it."

"That's great. He's a good guy. I'm sorry I didn't meet him when he came out for Bright Side's funeral. I was a little ... out of it."

"No worries. We all were. Him coming to Katie's funeral was kind of a turning point for him. His life really started turning around that weekend. He and I grew closer. He met Audrey. Their friendship has really helped him survive the worst of this past year. You have a great mom, Gus."

"The best. You know, I never knew Ma was talking to your dad, that they were friends, until yesterday. I know I was gone most of the year on tour, but she never mentioned him. And watching the two of them yesterday, it was like they were BFFs. It was kinda cool."

"I know they talk on the phone a lot. They're good for each other."

"So, what else is going on? How are Bright Side's friends? You ever see the dudes that lived across the hall from her in the dorms? Clayton and the gimp? I can't remember his name."

He looks at me and laughs. "The gimp?"

And now I'm laughing with him. "Bright Side and I used to joke that he was into kinky sex, role-playing and bondage and shit."

And now he's laughing harder. "Oh my God, no. I think Pete's still a virgin and will be until after he's married. And then it will be strictly missionary, once a month. The guy is super reserved. Nothing wrong with that, but there's no way in hell he's into kink." He shakes his head and he's still smiling. "No. Way."

"You ever see him?" I ask.
 

"Yeah, I see him and his girlfriend every once in a while. They come in for coffee at Grounds every couple of weeks. He's a good guy. He took Katie's death pretty hard. He couldn't even say her name for months."

"And what about Clayton?" Clayton was an interesting dude. Quirky, just like Bright Side. I liked him.

"Clayton's good. He lives in L.A. with his boyfriend now. He's going to UCLA and waiting tables at some high-end restaurant in West Hollywood. I talk to him every couple weeks. He loves it there. I know he really struggled at Grant. I'm glad he found someplace he feels at home. Someplace he feels like he can finally be himself."

I know Bright Side always worried about him, so this is good to hear.

"Daddy, I found a sand dollar!" Stella yells, as she runs toward Keller.

He takes it from her with a smile on his face. "Awesome, baby girl. We'll take it home and put it in your room on your special shelf."

Her smile is the purest thing I've seen in a long time. "Okay, Daddy." And just as quickly, she's off to rejoin Pax and Impatient at the sandcastle.

"What about her roommate? Sugar, right? You ever hear anything about her?"

Keller nods. "Yup. Sugar." I think he's going to stop there, but then he continues. "You know she was always kind of a twat to Katie?"

"I know she had the name, reputation, and build of a stripper, but I didn't know she was a bitch. I knew she and Bright Side weren't pals, but—"

"She was a bitch," Keller interrupts. "But something happened between them that semester. I don't know what it was, but not long before Katie left to come back here last December they were getting along. I wouldn't say they were the best of friends exactly, but they talked. It was almost like Sugar finally realized she had access to this amazing person in her life and wanted guidance or something." He shakes his head, like he's still puzzled by it. "I don't know; it was bizarre. Good, but bizarre. And I guess Katie didn't tell her she was sick. She just told her she was moving back home to San Diego. Sugar came into Grounds in tears one morning about two weeks into spring semester when we'd all gone back to classes. She said she'd heard someone talking about her and wanted to know if it was true. When I confirmed, the girl sobbed. It was a full-blown ugly cry. That was rough."

"Do you ever see her around?" I ask.

"I see her around from time to time. She comes in for coffee with friends sometimes. I'm not friends with her, but you can see a visible change. She dresses differently, which is a good thing. There's a little more left to the imagination now. She doesn't look like a walking sex ad. Her hair is brown now instead of blond. I'm guessing it's her natural color. I don't know; she just seems like one of those people that kinda woke up. Sometimes it takes a big punch in the face to do that. I think she had a few back-to-back punches."

Bright Side would be smiling now, listening to this. "How about Duncan and Shelly? They good?"

"They're great. They both graduated last spring. Dunc got a really good government job. He works at the capital in Minneapolis, some kind of aide or assistant to someone important. I'm not sure what his title is, but he loves it. He wants to run for public office someday, so he's getting his feet wet and seeing how it all works. And Shel is still working at her mom's flower shop. She's pretty much taken it over and her mom is semi-retired now. And she also started teaching piano lessons. Most of her clients are kids. They're testing her patience, that's a good thing." He smiles. "Shel didn't have the easiest life growing up, you know. She was sexually abused for years. An uncle. It was sick and messed up. Dunc's helped her so much, but meeting Katie really changed her life. She's been in counseling for over a year now. She's in a good place. I'm proud of her. And they help me out with Stella a lot. I bartend on Friday nights and they take her and she spends the night with them. She loves it. And they love it. I'm lucky to have them."

I can't imagine what his life is like, trying to juggle school, work, and raising a daughter. "I don't know how you do it, dude. You must be spent."

He laughs and his voice sounds tired, but happy, fulfilled. "I'm tired and I'm busy, that's for sure. But, honestly, I wouldn't want it any other way. Stella is my life. She's the reason I get up in the morning and do what I do. And my classes, even work ... it all helps me cope with losing Katie, you know? Especially the first few months she was gone. Any idle moment I had, I found myself drowning in despair." He pauses and runs his hand through his hair while he's thinking. "God, she would've hated that. She taught me so many things, but being brave enough to go out there and live life to the fullest, and to love with your whole heart—that's what she was all about. So, that's what I try to do every day to honor her memory. That, and be spontaneous every once in and a while." He smiles. "I don't know why, but it makes me feel a little more powerful when I do it."

I have to laugh at his honesty. "You're a rebel, dude," I say.

He laughs with me. "I know. I'm a badass."

"That you are, my friend. That you are." He is—a badass dad and a badass friend.

Sunday, December 3

(Gus)

I hear a timid knock at my bedroom door. It's the knock of a person who didn't want to knock in the first place, or doesn't want the person inside to answer.
 

It's nine o'clock in the morning. I'm awake, but I'm still in bed. "Come in!" I yell.

The door pushes open slowly, and Pax's head pokes through. "Hey, Gus. Good morning."

"Buenos dias. What's up?" I wave him in because he's still standing outside with only his head peeking through the opening.

He pushes the door open, but asks, "Can I talk to you for a minute?" before he steps in.

"Of course."
 

He wastes no time shutting the door behind him and sits on the corner of my bed. He looks nervous. I haven't seen him like this in weeks.

"Dude. Spill. What's goin' on?" His nerves are making me nervous.

His eyes are cast away from me and his cheeks are reddening at an alarming rate. "I have a date with Mason," he blurts. Then he releases a long breath. He's trying to calm himself down, and I kinda fear he may start hyperventilating.

I clap my hands to cheer him on. "Well done, dude.
Well. Done
."

He finally looks at me and smiles, but his eyes are panicky. "We've been talking a lot at school lately, and I asked her for her number on Friday. I called her last night. I asked her if she wanted to go out with me today, and she said yes."

I'm smiling now. "Right on. So, what's the problem?" There's definitely an issue or he wouldn't be in here.

He takes a deep breath and the panic returns to his eyes. "What am I supposed to do now? I've never been out with a girl."

"Seriously?" I knew he didn't have a lot of experience with girls but he's almost eighteen years old, I figured he'd been around the block a time or two.

"Yeah. Never," he confirms.

"Well dude, I've never really been a dating type of guy, but why don't you take her out to lunch, or the movies, or the beach. There are tons of options."

"We have to do something we can walk to. Her car is in the shop I guess and well, I don't have one, so—"

I interrupt him. "So take my truck. I don't need to go anywhere today."

His eyes widen. "Really? You'd let me take the shit wagon?"

"Sure. You have a license, right?"

He nods quickly, mouth still gaping.

"She's yours. Be good to her, though. She's not much, but I love her."

He's still nodding, he hasn't stopped. "I will. I have to pick up Mason at noon. I'll be home by five."

"No hurry. I plan on getting out in the water this afternoon, so I won't need it. Take your time."

I climb out of bed, and sift through the pockets of the jeans I wore last night. Pulling out my keys, I toss them to Pax.
 

He attempts a smile when he catches them, but it's still strained. "Thanks Gus."

"No worries." And then something else crosses my mind and I start digging through my nightstand drawer. I toss him a handful of foil packets.

He catches them, but when he realizes what he's holding, he drops them to the floor. Then he scrambles to pick them up again. It's clear he's baffled and embarrassed.
 

I laugh, trying to calm his nerves. "Put a raincoat on it every time, dude."

He shakes his head, staring at the condoms in his hand. "I don't need these."

I'm smiling again because the kid's innocence kills me. He's never been on a date and clearly he's a virgin. It's like spotting a golden unicorn. "You don't know that, dude. Maybe not today—"

It's his turn to interrupt. "
Definitely
not today." I swear I almost see him shudder in fear.

I nod and try to stifle a laugh. "Okay. Not today, but sex is in your future at some point. You're human, for Christ's sake. Take them. Keep them. Use them when you're ready. Come back for more if you're scared to buy them. I won't pry, but I will supply."

His eyes are big as saucers, but he stuffs them in his pocket. "Okay. Thanks again, Gus."

He's walking to the door when I stop him. "Pax?"

He turns with his hand on the doorknob. "Yeah."

"You've got this. Just be yourself. You're awesome."

He smiles and for the first time in the last few minutes, it's genuine. "Thanks."

When the door shuts, I have to laugh. The last five minutes were like an awkward PSA. I love that damn kid.

Monday, December 4

(Gus)

I'm sitting at Ma's piano now, because I picked up my guitar for the first time in weeks this morning and it felt like a burden in my hands. It felt like rejection. Like it didn't want me there. So I set it back down in the corner of my bedroom and went down to the basement.
 

I haven't sat on this piano bench for over a year. I rarely write music with the piano. I almost always write songs using my guitar, but sometimes inspiration strikes and I come up with a melody while I'm messing around on it. Let's hope this works. I need luck. I need music. I feel empty without it.