Half Blood (20 page)

‘I’ll be okay,’ he murmured.

She looked as if she didn’t believe him, but she let him have his lie. ‘Are you ready to go?’

He gave her a rough nod. She slid one arm around his back, swinging his other arm across her shoulders; supporting his weight effortlessly even though she was the one who was just getting out of hospital. She was so strong and he wasn’t even close to having that kind of strength.

They shuffled out of the room with the suitcase in tow, navigating their way to reception. The woman behind the desk had one of those in-fashion bob cuts that women seemed to have right now. Her sleek, corn silk hair was shiny and straight. It was only the pale brown of her eyes that softened the look, but Jerry thought she’d gone overboard with the gold eye shadow. Her name tag read ‘Brenda’.

‘I’m checking out,’ Indi announced, smiling at her own joke.

‘Your paperwork?’ Brenda asked perfunctorily. Indi handed it over and waited. A moment later, Brenda produced a print-out and a pen. ‘Has your doctor given you any medication to take?’ Indi shook her head. ‘Then sign the bottom please.’

‘So, spill,’ Indi demanded once they were in the car.

Keeping his eyes focussed on the road and occasionally the rear view mirror, he said, ‘Can we … can we talk about this when we get to yours? I’m afraid that I’ll …’ He’d meant to finish the thought, but he just couldn’t. He could feel the tears choking him already.

Indi rubbed his back softly. ‘Sure. Let’s just get home, okay?’

Driving under Hell’s Gate and into the pit of depravity Indi lived in seemed to worsen Jerry’s mood. He’d wanted to take her back to Waterside, but she had never felt comfortable there. He could also understand her need to be back home again, even if it was a hovel. By the time he was parked in front of her apartment building, he was bogged down in the stickiness of his hurt, anger and betrayal. Indi got out of the car first, showing absolutely no fear for her own safety. He followed, locking the car after himself and praying that it would still be there in its entirety by the time he returned.

When she opened her apartment door she said, ‘You cleaned,’ her voice sounding accusatory.

‘Yeah. I cleaned up a little,’ he replied, collapsing onto the sofa in front of the TV. Indi joined him, curling up beside him until he lifted his arm to invite her to come a little closer. She’d always fit so perfectly against him like she’d been made to fit him; the missing piece of his puzzle.

‘So tell me about it.’

‘About what?’

‘Don’t give me that shit, Jer. Whatever the hell has happened.
Tell me
,’ she urged.

‘It’s Mark.’

‘You’re ex, Mark?’

‘Yeah.’ A very fine shudder rolled through his shoulders and down his spine as he began crying. He thought he’d cried as much as his body could take, but he’d been wrong. With the end of her t-shirt, Indi started to wipe away the tears. He could see the scarring on her stomach from where she’d been used as an ashtray when she was a kid, which somehow cleared his head. If she had made it through all that stuff, then he could get through this.

So he told her everything that Mark had told him, pausing to wipe the tears away every sentence or so. Indi stayed silent for the most part, but the sound of her grinding her teeth was something she couldn’t muffle.

‘How did you find all this out?’ she asked when he was done.

‘Mark told me. Actually, I demanded that he tell me after the way he left me. He was at the hospital, always around. I thought it was for me, but it turned out he was only waiting to check up on my mother.’ Guilt seized his throat suddenly, shutting up tight until he couldn’t breathe anymore. He was gasping for air and when he turned to Indi he could see her mouth moving, but he didn’t understand the words. What was she trying to say?

‘Jer? Breathe,’ she said, her voice breaking through the roaring in his ears. He was leaning forward now, head between his legs while Indi rubbed circles on his back. ‘Are you alright?’

He drew in a deep breath, just checking that he could. ‘Yeah. Panic attack. I’m sorry.’

‘Hey, don’t apologise to me. You can’t help it.’

Jerry righted himself and turned to Indi. ‘No. I’m sorry that I didn’t come and find you that night that you were admitted to hospital. I realised that you were missing, that you weren’t answering your phone, but I got distracted by this whole thing with my mother and Mark and—’

He settled back into the couch and laid his head back, his eyes sliding shut. So he didn’t have Mark anymore. At least he knew the reason why now.

‘I can’t believe she would do that to you Jer,’ Indi said, breaking the silence. ‘That was a line that should never have been crossed, not by her. She knew how much he meant to you.’

‘It takes two people to betray a lover Indi. I can’t blame her anymore than I can blame him.’ And it was true and that made the betrayal hurt even more. Yes he was angry at Mark for disrespecting their relationship, but it was his mother who had gone along with it too.

Indi sat quietly for a long minute before saying, ‘You’d still take him back, wouldn’t you?’

The accusatory tone in her voice made his head snap around. ‘He was—he is—the love of my life Indi. I can’t just forget about him. I know we were only together for a year, and I know that it sounds stupid to say that, but it’s still true. I love him. I’ll always love him.’

Indi frowned; her mouth tightening like she wanted to say something else, but she held her tongue and looked back at the TV.

‘What are you thinking?’ he asked gently.

She turned back with a look in her eyes that could raze cities. ‘You don’t want to know what I’m thinking right now Jer because it’s not pretty.’

‘So, let me get this straight. You’re willing to take that asshole back because of
love
? Come on! Where’s the self-preservation? Why do you do things that you know are going to hurt you?’

Indi had never questioned him like this before. He didn’t know what to say to her. She’d been hurt by every single person who’d said that they’d cared about her. No wonder she was so angry with him. He thought carefully about how to word his answer for a moment before saying, ‘Sometimes you have to love someone enough that you’re willing to give yourself to them completely, and trust that they’ll take care of your heart for you.’

She laughed darkly. ‘That’s worked out a treat for you, hasn’t it?’

Her words stung. ‘Not really, but where would I be if I hadn’t at least tried?’

‘Jer, I get it, but for me, I can’t afford to let anybody have a sliver of me. You are the only person I truly love and trust, and even that sometimes is too much for me to take.’ Jerry’s heart fluttered at the admission. She’d never said that out loud before. He’d always thought that she was just hanging onto him because he had never hurt her—never would hurt her—almost as if she was using him. But now he knew. Indi continued, ‘I don’t want to think what I would do if something ever happened to you. It could have been me getting the phone call at work, you know?’

He pulled her tighter against his chest. ‘What’s going to happen to me Indi? I’ll always be here for you.’

‘You don’t know that for sure.’

‘Indi, I promise that I’ll never leave you, kick you out, fire you, or anything else. I love you.’ He kissed her on the head and held her close as she started to tremble under his hands. Indi had cried in his arms plenty of times before, but it had never been over him. He felt responsible somehow, but didn’t want her to stop at the same time. He knew in that moment that the love between them was mutual—not one-sided as he had always suspected or feared.

*

They were both sound asleep on the couch until Jerry stirred with the afternoon sun streaming weakly through her dirt-caked windows. Jerry had curled his body around Indi’s, protecting her even in sleep. The movie they’d been watching had turned into a soap opera, the theme music rousing Indi from her sleep too.

‘Can you afford to do that?’ she asked, but suddenly bit her tongue. His stomach dropped. It may have been a slip of the tongue, but she’d started an avalanche on that slippery slope. She added hastily, ‘What about Rhett? He could have handled it by himself.’

He smiled despite his sombre mood. ‘Money doesn’t matter. All that mattered was you coming through alright. And don’t worry about Rhett. He volunteered to take unpaid leave until you were back on your feet again.’

‘Hey, are you hungry?’ she asked suddenly.

Jerry thought about the last time he’d eaten and couldn’t remember when that was. It must have been around the last time he’d showered and shaved though. ‘Are you cooking?’ he asked warily.

‘Nope. Kraft Easy Mac is cooking.’ A soft shadow of a smile brushed his lips before he nodded. ‘And while I’m making it, you can take a shower and shave,’ she added as if she’d read his mind.

Indi got up and started banging around in her pokey kitchen for everything she needed to make them something to eat. Jerry lifted himself off the couch and went into the bathroom. His head nearly brushed the roof in there, which made taking a shower particularly difficult. He stripped off his clothes gingerly and dumped them on top of the pile of washing Indi had left behind the door from before she was in hospital. It looked like a uniform, but there was a faint metallic smell to them. He picked up the black pants and dropped them straight away. The fabric was stiff. He bent down to inspect them a little more closely, and that was when he recognised what it was. The knees of her pants and below were soaked in blood.

Looking at the bathroom door like he could see through it, he wanted to march out there and ask her about it, to see if she’s got into trouble recently. He wanted to help her, but he didn’t dare. With Indi it was always best to let her say something first rather than the other way around, so he left them where they were, covering up her laundry with his and stepped into the shower.

The hot water felt good on his skin. He could feel it lifting off the thick layer of sweat he hadn’t been bothered to wash off in the last couple of days. He washed his hair and rubbed soap onto every inch of his body until he couldn’t smell that awful stench that had been following him around. When he was done, he stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around his waist.

The mirror was all fogged up from the hot water. Jerry lifted his palm to the glass and swiped it away. He had large, dark circles under his eyes and he looked like death warmed up. His strawberry-blond stubble had turned into a small beard without him even noticing. After poking around Indi’s drawers and cupboards, he found the spare razor and shaving foam he left at her place and placed them on the counter. He also found some scissors—luckily—because he had to trim some of that growth away before he could use a razor on it.

When he emerged from the bathroom, he was washed, freshly-shaven and in clean clothes, and he really did feel like a new man. Talking to Indi certainly had helped him to clear his head and realise that his life wasn’t over. He might not have had Mark anymore, but he had Indi and that was all that mattered to him.

‘Are you ready Jer?’ Indi called from over the other side of the bookshelf that divided the room.

‘Yeah, I’m ready.’

Indi came out from the kitchen with two bowls just as Jerry sank onto the couch again. They ate together in front of the TV as if Indi hadn’t ever been in hospital and Jerry hadn’t just had his heart broken all over again. Jerry didn’t realise how hungry he was until he put his bowl down next to Indi’s still full bowl on the table only ten minutes later.

‘Not hungry Indi?’ Jerry asked, nudging the fork that was stuck in her bowl of Mac and cheese.

She answered without looking at him. ‘No. I thought I was, but the thought of eating that made me want to puke.’

‘It could just be your cooking?’ he suggested. In response, she knocked her foot against his and snuggled more deeply under his arm.

Eventually the golden light coming through the windows muted to black. Jerry’s eyes had lingered on the darkened windows for a long time before he started lifting himself off the couch. He didn’t want to leave her, but she probably wanted some time to herself.