Half In Love With Death (22 page)

“Afterward, she wouldn't talk about what happened, wouldn't even let me bring it up. It was this thing . . . .” He paused, looking up at the gray cloth ceiling. “That held us together, but I knew if I ever let her go, she would fall apart. She began having bad dreams. She believed Geraldine's ghost was haunting her.” He wiped his face with his sleeve. “Sounds crazy, I know. But she
was
haunted. She couldn't get past it. And she had this weird obsession with the shoes. It was like she wore them as a reminder of what had happened. I told her it was only a matter of time before the police found out she had them, but she wouldn't listen.”

I shivered. “I thought you said it was an accident.”

“It was, but she felt responsible. So do I. Something like that never leaves you.” He looked down. “The night she disappeared, I'd finally convinced her to bring the shoes so I could get rid of them. It would be a new start for us. But when she realized she'd forgotten one, she became hysterical. She took it as a sign that there was no escape from her suffering. She told me she was going to run away and I'd never see her again. I tried to talk her out of it but nothing worked. Caroline . . . .” He took a deep breath. “I couldn't reach her.” He paused. “So I gave up. I let her go. I'm not proud of that.” I felt the warm, rough touch of his hands as he pressed mine between them. “I'm worried about what she might do to herself in Redondo. I was hoping if I got rid of the shoes, and you told her they were gone for good, then she'd be all right.” He let my hand go. “But I understand if you don't want to see me anymore.”

I couldn't move. If only I'd noticed more about what was going on with my sister. I rubbed the glass pendant between my fingers. Life had taken everything from Tony. First his mother, and then Jess. I couldn't turn away from him, not now. I felt his sadness as if it were my own.

He went on, “One of my friends probably told the police about the grave. Everyone betrays me.” He turned to me. “But they're all in this as deep as I am.”

“What do you mean?”

He stared at the black sky. “Once you touch the spirits, they never let go.”

“You really believe that?” I asked, but he grew quiet, his river of words gone somewhere inside him. For what felt like the longest time, he didn't say anything else. Then he opened the car door and got out.

“Where are you going?” I asked, but he didn't answer.

I hugged my knees. It was cold in the car, the only sound the faint hiss of the desert wind. In the light from the headlights I could see the ragged branches of dry scrub, cacti rising like dark hands from the silver sand, Tony walking into the darkness.

I thought of what he'd told me. No one had ever told me something like this before. No one told me anything. I pressed my mouth on my knee. I had the awful feeling he might step off the edge of the earth and leave me here alone. When I almost couldn't see him anymore, I pushed the door open and walked toward him, my shoes slipping on the gravelly sand. I quickened my step as the long dry grass where the snakes hid brushed my legs.

He was kneeling down when I approached. “Get away,” he said, turning round, his face and hands streaked with dirt.

“I'm not going anywhere,” I said. As I reached out to him I looked down to see the white heel of the shoe poking out of a hole in the ground. I shivered as he pushed some dirt over it. Then he took my hand and stood up.

He smiled at me sadly. “You still want to get your sister home, right?” I told him yes and we looked up at the sky, like a highway of glittering diamonds. He pulled me close and pressed his lips into my hair, his hands hot as fire where they touched me. I looked down at the white daisies on my nails.

He said, “You have stars on your hands.”

“They're not stars. They're flowers.” I stared off into the distance, filled with a feeling of softness I could not explain except to say it was love. I turned to him. “They once showed us a film in school of a desert bloom. It was speeded up so you could see clouds of pink and white flowers spreading across the sand.”

He laced my fingers in his. “You have a nice way of saying things.”

I looked up at him and smiled.

“I guess we're not going dancing tonight.” He pushed the toe of his boot in the sand.

I shook my head. “I have to get home.”

“That's okay.” His lips brushed my ear as he whispered, “Just bring the other shoe when we leave for California. It's more important than ever that we get rid of it. Jess needs us to do that for her. And then it will be as if none of this happened.” He leaned against me and as I held him up so he wouldn't fall, I wondered how it was we'd ended up in this loneliest of places.

• • •

Shortly after I got home it started to rain. As I stood by the sliding glass doors listening to it coming down, I thought of Tony's poem, and for the first time heard the darkness in the rain. It was like a thousand voices whispering the story of all the sad things that were happening in the world, of all the broken people, of all the lives that ended too soon.

I took off my shoes and stepped outside to feel the rain. Droplets pelted the dark water in the pool. As I stood at the edge, I thought of Geraldine. Did she mean to go in the pool? Was it an accident or something worse? I couldn't stop shivering. All I knew was Jess had done nothing to save her. And now she might take her own life without giving it a second thought. I didn't want to lose my sister. We had to make it to California in time.

Though it was only a few days away, I was sorry we had to wait until Friday to leave. The thought of Jess alone in Redondo and the terrible guilt she must be feeling frightened me. I wished I'd had the courage to go when Tony first asked. But she just had to hang on a little longer.

I tried to ease my worries by doing what Tony did and foreseeing the outcome I wanted. I saw us sitting on the deck of a beach house with Jess, sipping tropical drinks and watching the red sun sink into the sea. She'd have a new boyfriend. I would be with Tony. We'd leave everything in Tucson behind, whatever Jess had done in the past erased. I'd reassure Mom and Dad that we'd come home soon, but we'd take our time. Our lives would begin again. We would pluck oranges from the trees and live in the now. The past would be a pile of blank pages scattering in the wind.

• • •

On Wednesday I joined my former friends for lunch, not even caring if they wanted me to sit with them. After all, it could be the last time I saw them. I put my tray down on the table next to May's.

I struggled with my carton of chocolate milk. “Why do things say ‘open here' when that never works?” I said as I tore it open and shoved in a straw.

I glanced up. No one was smiling.

“Stop looking at me like that. It's okay, guys,” I said.

Sheila glared at me. “It isn't always about you.”

I almost spit out my milk. “What's wrong?”

“It's Steve,” Billy said.

A blush of shame crept into my cheeks. Sheila was right. I'd been so preoccupied with my own life it had never occurred to me that someone else could have problems.

May leaned toward me. “He's coming home.” She glanced at Billy. They were officially a couple now. Everyone said they might be homecoming king and queen. I didn't care. I was over that.

“That's good,” I replied cautiously.

Billy sighed. “No it isn't. He lost an arm.”

“He'll never play football again,” May said.

Though I felt bad, I couldn't shake the sense that she was rubbing in how wrong I was.

I tried to get Billy to look at me, but he wouldn't. “That's terrible. I'm sorry.” I wanted to leave the table, rush into the hall, out of the school, out of the world, out of the universe.

Finally Billy said, “At least he's alive. And he got a Purple Heart.”

“Then he's a hero,” I said. “You must be so proud.”

I couldn't believe I was repeating the same phony thing everyone said whenever someone joined up, but Billy smiled solemnly at me and said, “Thank you.” He paused. “It's just an arm. A person can live without an arm.” The table became painfully quiet.

• • •

After school, while walking out in a crowd of kids, I caught a glimpse of Tony's car parked in front. He's come for me, I thought with a surge of excitement, and was about to run to him when a police car pulled up behind him. I felt a pain in my stomach.

Billy waved to me. He was standing in front of his mom's car. I went over to him. “Come on, we'll give you a ride,” he said, wiping some sweat from above his mouth. I looked back to see a policeman shoving Tony up against the car.

“Caroline, nice to see you again,” Billy's mom said. “I'm sure Billy told you the good news. Our Steven's coming home.” She turned to me with a stiff smile. Moms who suffered always had to be brave and carry on. I'd learned that this summer.

“I'm so glad.” I craned my neck to get a better look at Tony. The police cruiser rolled slowly down the street. He was getting back into his car. He turned, his simmering eyes resting on me a second before he drove away.

“Caroline, would you mind if I drop you two off at The Flying Saucer for a snack while I do an errand?” Billy's mom said.

“That's fine,” I said. Much as I hated The Flying Saucer, it would help pass the time while I waited for it to be Friday.

• • •

Billy hardly said a word as we ate our french fries. It was strange being with him, knowing what I knew and not being able to tell him. I pushed my blonde hair behind my ears. I was a new person, someone he could never understand. From this time forward it would be as if we lived in two different worlds. As I dipped a fry in ketchup, I already felt far away.

I fingered the necklace Tony had given me. I hadn't taken it off since that night. “Where's May?” I asked.

“Art club, chorus, who knows? She's always got something going on.” He lowered his eyes. “I'm sorry you and I haven't gotten to talk much lately.”

I said, “Me too,” but I didn't mean it. Billy was part of my past. May was, too. Everyone was except for Tony. He was my now.

He took a deep breath. “I'm glad Steve is coming home. You must have been relieved when you found out it wasn't Jess.”

“I was, but someone still died.” I stared at the bug-eyed green aliens painted on the walls. There were so many ugly things in the world, but before all this happened none of them had been real to me. Now it was like the terrible things Tony had said in the desert were inside me, and I would never be able to see anything the same way again. I remembered coming up on him, his hands buried in the sand, the agonized look on his face. It was like he was still with me as I was sitting here, his eyes always watching, knowing. Something about him was so strange, it was almost like
he
came from outer space or another world, and now that I knew him, that other world was part of me too.

“I guess we might never find out what happened to Geraldine.” Billy's eyes met mine. I felt sick. He pushed his fries around on his plate. “It must be hard for you, still not knowing where Jess is.”

I wanted to tell him that I knew what had happened to Geraldine, and I knew where Jess was, but I couldn't. I had to keep the awful secret that Tony and Jess shared or I might never find her.

“It is.” I looked away so he wouldn't see the tears blurring my eyes.

“You still looking for real magic?” When I didn't answer he said, “I've perfected the disappearing coin trick.” I turned around to see him holding up a quarter. “Want me to show you?”

I frowned. “I'm not that interested in magic anymore.”

He put the coin back in his pocket quickly as if he were embarrassed. “You seem different.”

I stared at my nails. “I guess I am.”

He hesitated. “Did you see the police shaking down your boyfriend?”

I twisted the necklace around my finger. “He's not my boyfriend.”

“He's such a loser.” Billy looked at me.

“He didn't do anything wrong,” I said. Billy was staring at me like
I'd
done something wrong. He was so infuriating. “You don't understand him.”

Billy leaned forward. “What's there to understand?”

I shoved my plate away. There was no point in talking to him, but if I didn't defend Tony no one would. Everyone was betraying him. “He's all alone in the world with Jess gone. His real mother abandoned him.”

Billy shook his head. “That's what he told you.”

“It's true.”

He folded his arms on the table. “You can think whatever you want, but he's lying.”

I stood up. “I don't have to listen to this.”

Billy held my wrist, the touch of his fingers dry and cool. “Caroline, that guy is a worthless piece of shit.”

I tried to pull away but the tears that had been building up inside me spilled out. “You're wrong. No one understands him the way I do. There's a whole other side to him. He's helping me find my sister.”

Billy eyed me uncomfortably. “You all right?” he said.

“It's nothing. I cry all the time now.”

Billy touched my shoulder. “I know what you're going through.”

I shrugged. “Steve's alive and he's coming home. You have no idea what I'm going through.”

He pressed his thumbs together. “Until last week, I didn't know if Steve was dead or alive. I
do
know how you feel.” I gave him a hard look. “Come on. Let's pay the bill,” he said with a nervous laugh. I refused to look at him as we went over to the cashier.

As I was reaching for my money, I caught my breath. Geraldine's mother was sitting at the register, as if this were any other day and not less than a week since her daughter's body had been found. I handed Billy my money and stood behind him, hoping she wouldn't remember who I was, but as she counted out his change, she stared straight at me. Her saggy face looked so soft it seemed like if you touched it your hand might sink in forever. Was that what grief was like—forever? I averted my eyes, but she kept staring. Her hand went to the green silk scarf knotted at her throat. I worried that without my saying a word, she knew what Tony had told me.