Hand-Me-Down Love (12 page)

“
What’s wrong?”
he asked.

Marla told him about
the call from her mother and everything she had told her.

“
I’m sorry,
Sean. I didn’t know what else to do.”

“
Don’t worry,”
he said. “I guess it’s hard for them to understand.” He turned
her face to his and kissed her. Slowly, they removed their clothes
and made love hungrily, like it might have been the last night on
earth. At their climax, Sean whispered hoarsely, “I love you,
Merrie.”

Their bodies stopped
moving.

“
I’m sorry,
Marla,” Sean said. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say that. I
know you’re Marla.”

“
It’s okay,”
Marla said. But it wasn’t okay. She did understand how it was a
slip of the tongue. She did understand that. But in that moment, all
of her fears that she had pushed to the back of her mind about being
Meredith’s replacement came right up front, full force. Was it just
a slip of the tongue or was it more than that? She definitely had no
jealous feelings about Meredith, her sister that she loved so much.
But she did want Sean to know there was a difference between the
sisters. That she needed to be loved for her, as complicated as that
was.

It wasn’t okay, as
much as she wanted it to be. But she patted Sean’s arm and told him
not to worry, she understood. She had been doing a lot of
understanding of Sean’s feelings, she realized. She had been taking
care of everything for him when she was suffering her own grief, just
as real as his. She had sublimated her own grief, her own feelings,
to get him through his. For the first time, she felt resentful.

And now she was
dealing with her mother and probably the rest of Bay Point by this
time, if Mrs. Answorth had anything to say about it. And she always
had plenty to say about things that were none of her business.
Suddenly, everything seemed so complicated.

When Marla woke up
the next morning, she was still thinking about the complications.
Sean going over to his house and having to face its emptiness had
changed everything. Maybe he needed to start dealing with things. Was
Marla impeding that? Were they impeding that with each other by
having a relationship that went way out of the bounds of
brother-in-law and sister-in-law? Were they fooling themselves into
thinking that Meredith would condone what they were doing?

Sean came into the
kitchen as she was making coffee and put his arms around her from the
back as she stood at the counter.

“
I know I’ve
hurt you,” he said. “I don’t know how to take it back or
convince you that I do love you for you. I don’t know what to say
that will make you believe me.”

She turned around,
but he kept his arms around her as she twisted against his body. She
looked into his grieving gray eyes. “I know how it happened,” she
said. “I know. But it makes me wonder if we need to do our
grieving, face our grieving, without putting a band-aid on it. I just
don’t know. Maybe I’m making too much of it.”

He held her for a
moment longer, then released her. They got coffee and she took hers
to the bedroom to get dressed for the day. When she left, Sean was
sitting on the couch with Lucy in his lap. “I’ll see you later,”
she called as she closed the door at the top of the stairs.

It was a busy day
and at one point, Marla left the shop to visit a customer who wanted
her to look at her dining space and help her with a table and chairs.
When she got back, she asked Jada if she’d seen Sean. She hadn’t.

Marla went upstairs
calling his name before she stepped into the kitchen. Why did she
have to make him feel so bad about accidentally calling her the wrong
name? It wasn’t important, not at all. She could understand it. She
felt panicky as she walked through the living room. And then he
appeared, walking in from the hall.

“
I’m sorry,”
she said as he hugged her. “I do understand. I really do.”

“
I know,” he
said. “That’s because you are the most understanding person I’ve
ever known.”

She didn’t want to
cry but couldn’t help herself. Sean cupped her face in his hands
and looked at her. “Marla, I’ve been thinking about everything
you said. I’ve spent the whole day up here thinking about it. And
I’ve come to the conclusion that you’re right.”

“
Right about
what?” she said trying to remember exactly what she had said.

“
Right that maybe
we need to do our grieving. Go through it and deal with it,
separately. Somehow, our being together is keeping us from finishing
what has to happen with it.”

“
I don’t want
you to leave,” Marla said. “I know we can work it out.”

“
I don’t want to
leave either. But I know now that I have to leave. We have to deal
with everything. If we don’t, then it’s going to jump up one day
and hit us in the face.”

They stood hugging
for several minutes. Marla tried to accept what he was saying. “Where
will you go?” she asked.

“
I’ve been
researching on the Internet today. Do you remember that I hiked part
of the Appalachian Trail after I graduated high school?”

The Appalachian
Trail? Marla knew nothing about that or about hiking at all. Did
Sean? She shook her head.

“
It was one of my
best experiences. I talked to Meredith about it sometimes. Probably
talked her ear off about it. She wanted us to plan a trip where we
would hike the same place. I don’t know when we were really going
to do it, but we talked about it.”

“
Is that where
you’re going?” Marla asked tearfully.

“
Yes. I think I
should take the hike that Meredith and I always said we would one
day. I need to do it somehow.”

“
When are you
leaving?” Marla asked, not wanting to hear the answer.

“
Tomorrow,” he
said holding her tight. “I’m leaving tomorrow. I called your dad
today and told him I knew he couldn’t keep holding my job. I
officially resigned from the bank.”

Marla couldn’t
believe her ears. Sean was really doing this. He was cutting his ties
to her family, his job, his town, her. And he might never come back.

“
Let me take you
out to eat tonight,” he said. “Let’s go to Gulf Shores and eat
on the pier. I’d like to see the ocean again before I go.”

They drove in
silence to the restaurant. Marla was sad and so was Sean. After they
had ordered seafood platters, Marla asked Sean if he would be in
touch with her.

“
Of course, Marla.
I don’t want you to worry about me. I will definitely be in touch
with you.”

Relieved, Marla was
able to eat her dinner. Afterward, they walked on the beach for a
while. It was February and it was cold, but the waves crashed against
the shore like always. Sean put his arm around her as they walked and
they didn’t talk. Then they drove back to Bay Point and got ready
for bed.

Sean reached for her
and kissed her. “I love you, Marla,” he said softly. They made
love together sadly and sweetly. “I love you, too, Sean,” she
whispered as they were falling asleep. He rubbed her arm. “I’m
going to miss you a lot,” he said before falling into slumber.

The next morning
Sean woke her up kissing her forehead. She pulled him to her and held
onto to him. Finally, he pulled away. “I’ve made coffee,” he
said. “Let’s have a cup before I go.”

They sat at the
kitchen table like so many times before. “Sean, you don’t have to
go, you really don’t,” Marla said, pleading.

“
Yes, I do, Marla.
I have to do this. We have to do this so we can be clear about our
feelings.”

She followed him out
to his car and he put his duffel bag in the back seat. He walked over
to her and hugged her. Tears were rolling down her cheeks. “Please
don’t go,” she said again.

He kissed her. “I
love you,” he said. He got in his car and started it. “I love you
too,” she shouted so he would hear her. He backed out of the
parking spot and drove to the corner, where he turned left. She ran
to the side of the building in her gown to watch his car go down the
street until it was out of sight.

Chapter
Fourteen

Sean drove down Bay
Street, passing by the house he has shared with Meredith. You could
see it from the street and he stopped in the middle of the road.
There was no traffic and he sat there a few minutes, staring up at
the house. He knew he should have taken care of things, packed up his
and Meredith’s belongings instead of relying on Marla to do
everything. He looked at the house and sadness washed through him.
Then he drove on.

After driving
through Mobile, he took the exit that would eventually take him to
Atlanta. He needed to see his parents before he was out of touch.
When he got there, he texted Marla to let her know where he was. He
knew she was heartbroken, and so was he. But he was resolute in his
quest. He had to get clear.

His mother took care
of him, like mothers do, and he stayed for two nights. He explained
where he was going, but he didn’t tell her about Marla. He knew she
wouldn’t understand that. No one would understand his feelings for
his sister-in-law. Marla’s mother didn’t understand. Most people
would think it was inappropriate at best.

While he was in
Atlanta, Sean visited a store specializing in camping equipment and
bought supplies for his hike. The backpack held a tent, a sleeping
bag and pad, cooking equipment, a solar blanket, and dehydrated food
packets and trail mix. He also bought hiking boots and a parka. The
weather was cold, but he knew he would warm up as he hiked the trail.

When he left the
store, he allowed insecure thoughts to enter his mind. Am I crazy for
doing this? I haven’t been hiking for over ten years. What if I
can’t do it anymore? I’ve been a banker, not a hiker.

But he went forward
anyway, and the next day he left his parents’ home in Atlanta by
train and headed to North Carolina where the trail awaited him.

        

Sean put his foot on
the trail. He was there. He was going to do it. He began to walk, one
foot in front of the other. The trail climbed for about half a mile,
then it descended before a bigger climb of nearly two miles. The path
was smooth for the most part, but rougher in other parts. He
descended again into Sassafras Gap and kept going until he reached
the Muskrat Shelter. He’d gotten a later start, and though he had
only traveled a few miles, he decided to stop for the day. There was
no time limit on this hike.

Large hardwoods and
smaller trees surrounded the shelter. Sean remembered it from his
first hike more than a decade before. He had been almost fourteen
years younger and just graduated from high school. He and two of his
friends, Taylor Williams and Jeremy Salito had planned the trip for
months. They researched it to death, and got camping gear, food,
backpacks, and maps. Sean wondered where Taylor and Jeremy were. He
had lost touch with them a long time ago. But they had taken that
hike together, and it had changed all of them.

Sean made a fire in
a well-used pit outside the shelter. The sun was starting to set and
he wanted to get into the shelter before it was completely dark.
Using the one pan in his backpack, he brought dehydrated chicken
noodle soup to life. After he ate the soup, he munched on some trail
mix and crawled into his sleeping bag he had laid on a bunk in the
shelter. Even though he had only traveled a few miles that day, Sean
could feel the muscle aches in his legs and arms. He unzipped a
compartment on the backpack and found the ibuprofen. And then he
slept the exhausted sleep of the hiker.

When he woke up the
next morning, he could definitely feel his muscles aching. But he
knew the only way was to work through it. Outside at the pit, he made
another small fire and cooked oatmeal, which he ate voraciously, like
it was his last meal on earth. Then he set off back on the trail.
Unlike the day before, when he was acclimating himself to the hike,
the second day his mind wandered as he took each step. Up and down he
went that day. And as he walked, he thought about Meredith and how
much he missed her. He thought about when he met her.

Sean had been
working at the bank for a couple of years and was moving up in the
ranks. It wouldn’t be long before he was manager of the loan
department, if he played his cards right. The bank president, Mr.
Anderson, seemed to like him. He had told Sean how much he depended
on him. And then one day, he saw her. She was the most beautiful girl
he’d ever seen.

Sean introduced
himself to her. She had blue eyes that captured him and held him and
he wanted to look into them forever. He wanted to swim in those eyes.
Meredith was her name and she had just started working in the credit
card department.