Handle With Care (23 page)

B
y the time Shane got home, he had the shakes. Wanted a drink so bad, it was eating him alive. What the fuck had happened tonight to set him off? He hadn’t had the urge since he’d fallen off the wagon several weeks ago, when Brent’s plane went down.

He put his head in his hands, disgusted with himself. He hadn’t wanted Lauren to see him this way. What was his problem, anyway? It wasn’t like he wanted a damn drink. He needed one. Would it always be like this? Could he not face a stressful situation without needing a drink?

He looked at his shaking hand and wanted to smash something. Getting up, he looked in the bathroom mirror, seeing the terror and the disgust in his own eyes. Breathing deeply, he forced himself to be calm.

After he’d splashed water over his face, he returned to the living room to call his AA sponsor, Jimmy. “It’s Shane here. I’m in trouble right now.”

“Give me your address and I’ll get there as fast as I can.”

He spieled off his address, then sat down to wait, loathing himself, weighed down by shame. How could he be so weak? After all the things he’d experienced in his life, why couldn’t he be strong? He’d faced danger most of his adult life.

Spent eight years with Cal Fire, saving lives amid raging forest fires, putting his own life on the line. Then he’d packed it in and gone off to Iraq, where every minute of every day and night could have been his last. He’d patched up women and men younger than himself, and had lost a great many too. He’d worked on victims whose limbs had been torn off or flesh burned off; held brave soldiers who’d screamed in pain as they died in his arms.

He’d lived through all that without the need for a drink. So why now? Now, when he had a chance for a normal life, why was he screwing up the best possible thing that had ever happened to him? He loved Lauren and Josh, and he knew they loved him.

Hell, when he’d seen the backpack lying there, he’d nearly lost it. If something bad had happened to the boy, he didn’t know what he would have done, but it wouldn’t have been pretty.

Even though Josh was home safe, all he could think about was a drink. His hands had started to shake while waiting for Lauren to get Josh off to bed. The longing for alcohol had come fast and hard.

He was not much better than that bum he’d met on the pier. Given the right circumstances, it could have been him drinking cheap rotgut out of a brown paper bag.

He might be weak, but he would not drink, not tonight, not tomorrow, not if it killed him. For once, he would do something right, and not screw up again.

Lauren woke up the next day, her mind going in a million directions. She loved Shane and so did Josh. If he was riddled with cancer or had some other deadly disease, would she have turned her back on him? Of course not. She was a doctor, and she had taken an oath to save lives. When it came to Shane, it was probably her own prejudice that had made her judge him so harshly. Had her husband not been killed by someone with a DUI, she might have been more understanding with his problem.

Yes, he was an alcoholic, but he was strong, and he could fight this disease. And she would fight it with him.

Her thoughts turned to Josh and she realized she’d made an error in trying to protect him from Shane’s potentially recurring problem. By refusing them a relationship, she’d also closed the door on all the good things that could come from it.

After she dropped Josh at school, she drove over to Shane’s, determined to put things right. He had a solid reason for keeping her at arm’s length after cutting him out of their lives, but she would prove to him that it would be different now.

He answered the door and seemed surprised to see her. “Lauren, hi. Come on in.”

Major greeted her by jumping up and down, but she only had eyes for Shane. He was wearing a pair of well-worn jeans and had a knit top that outlined his muscular chest and iron-hard stomach. No doubt about it. He was definitely drool worthy.

She smiled and moved in close, eager to show him why she’d come. “Shane, I thought about you all last night. I couldn’t wait another moment to do this.” Before he had a chance to react, she put her hands behind his neck and gave him a warm kiss. She rubbed her cheek against him, breathing in his familiar aftershave. There wasn’t a damn thing she didn’t love about this guy.

“Lauren, I—”

She put a finger over his mouth. “Don’t say a word. Not yet. I have so much to tell you first.” She took his hand and led him to the sofa, tugging him down to sit next to her.

“I need to tell you a few things too,” he said.

She smiled and cuddled up beside him. “Me first.” She leaned over to kiss his cheek. “I made a terrible mistake, trying to keep you and Josh apart. By trying to protect him, I also shut out all the wonderful, positive blessings you bring to us. We are so much better with you in our lives.”

He pushed away from her. “No, that’s not true.” He wouldn’t meet her eyes. “You were right to kick me out of your lives. I know that now, and I’m going to stay clear. It’s best.”

“What are you talking about?” She felt a flash of fear. “You can’t do that to Josh. Not now, not when I’ve told him he can see you again.”

“You don’t get to call the shots anymore.” His jaw was set. “I’m calling them.”

“Why?” Hurt slammed into her, and the morning’s happiness evaporated. “Is this to punish me?”

“You still don’t get me, do you?” He got off the couch and began to pace the room. “I would never hurt you or Josh. That’s not what this is about.” He paused, rubbing his hands over his face. “Believe me when I say it’s not you. It’s me.”

“Did you just give me the worst break-up line ever?”

He turned to her. “Lauren, you’re a bright woman. Don’t pretend to be dense.” He shook his head and spoke slowly. “I’m not breaking up with you. We are not in a relationship and whatever we had is over. It wasn’t right for either of us, and we both knew it.”

“But that changed. We fell in love.” She said with a little more desperation, “I know we have obstacles, but I’m willing to face them. I love you.”

“You’ll get over it.”

His face had closed down, and he seemed emotionless. She couldn’t read him at all.

“I don’t want to get over it.” Her stubborn spirit kicked in. No way was he getting rid of her. “Josh loves you, and I have finally found the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.”

“You don’t mean that, and if you do, it’s time I set you straight.”

His jaw muscle twitched, and she knew he was fighting his feelings for her. What she didn’t understand was the why. “There is nothing you can say that’ll change my mind,” she told him.

“Oh, yeah? Try this.” He ran a hand through his hair, took a deep breath, and exhaled loudly. “I had to call my AA sponsor last night to come over and sit with me. He just left a few minutes before you showed up.”

“Why?” Dread filled her. “Why did you call him?”

“Because I didn’t trust myself. Sitting in your house last night, I didn’t want coffee, I wanted a drink.”

“That’s why you left the way you did?”

“Yes.” He looked angry now. “I’m an alcoholic, Lauren, and that will never change.”

“I know you are, but you can handle this. You can change your life around.” She jumped off the couch and put her arms around his middle. She leaned her head on his chest. “You didn’t have a drink, did you?” She looked up into his face. “Did you?”

“No, but the next time I might. It’s an incurable sickness and I’ll never get rid of it. God knows, if I could, I would.”

“Shane, so you’re not perfect. Neither am I. But you are worth fighting for, and I’m not giving up on you. Don’t you dare give up on yourself.”

“This is pointless.” He prowled the room, and she could see the frustration in the lines of his face. “I’ve told you I’m no good. You and Josh can do better.”

“I have my own pains, my own devils to fight.”

“Lauren … I know you’re trying to help, but …”

She reached a hand toward him, hoping he’d take it. “You’re the best person I know. And you’re the only person I want.” When he didn’t move, she folded her arms and sighed. “More importantly, I’m confident that you’ll succeed in AA. You have the strength. More strength than me, that’s for sure.”

“That’s not true,” he said stubbornly.

“Will you please sit down, so I can tell you something?”

He finally took a seat on the couch, as far away from her as he could get. “Okay. Shoot.”

“You know how my husband died. That he was on his way home from work and was killed by a drunk driver. What you don’t know is that he called me on his cell. Josh had been acting up all day, and instead of waiting until Jeremy got home, I got into it right then and there.” She paused for a second, remembering her role clearly. “I told him I wanted to have Josh tested for ADHD, and he got really mad. Told me to do whatever the hell I wanted. Said that I always did anyway.”

Shane didn’t say anything, so she rushed on. “Well, that was the start of a really big fight. Jeremy refused to believe that Josh had a problem, telling me he was just an active little boy. But I knew differently. I was around him all the time and I suspected that he had a learning disorder. Jeremy was totally in denial.”

“Having a disagreement on the phone doesn’t mean you were the cause of his death.”

“You’re wrong. It was raining, and he was on a busy highway. I got him angry and distracted.”

“You can’t blame yourself for what happened.” He reached across the distance between them and caught a lock of her hair, twiddling it with his fingers. “You weren’t in the car with him. He was the one driving. It was his responsibility to stay focused.”

She shook her head, forcing him to drop his hand. “I’ve had this on my conscience since the night he died. It was easier to put all the blame on the alcoholic than to admit I might have had something to do with it.”

“You didn’t. That’s ridiculous.”

“Is it?” She angled her body so she could watch his face. “Shane, I’ve never told anyone this story, and I don’t ever want Josh to know. But you need to know the truth about me. I’m stubborn, impatient, and nearly always right. Even when I’m not.”

He gave a wry smile. “You forgot bossy.”

“Yes, I did. I’m bossy too.”

“Well, sugar pie, it seems like we are both quite a mess.” He leaned into the corner of the sofa, again as far away as he could get. “Now that we’re in a confessing mood, I’ll tell you my deep, dark secret.”

“I’m all ears.”

“When I was a prisoner in that guerrilla camp, I was forced to perform surgery on a high-ranking Iraqi officer. A grenade had exploded near him, and when they brought him into the camp he was barely alive. His torso had been blown up, exposing his organs. Very little of him was left intact. I told them I couldn’t save him, but they didn’t have a real doctor, only me.”

He closed his eyes and drew in a long breath. “He lived for nearly a week and then died from an infection.”

“So you did the best you could.”

“It must have been a hundred degrees in that shack that was my operating room. Flies were always buzzing around and the sweat poured off me. I remember swatting at the flies, and then I returned to patching up the patient without washing my hands.” He shook his head. “My hands and instruments weren’t sterile.”

“You were forced to perform surgery under threat of death, and you said yourself that he was beyond repair.”

“I should have refused. Let them kill me. I never should have given in to the buggers in the first place.”

“You chose to survive. There’s no shame in that. And from what you tell me, you performed some kind of miracle keeping this officer alive as long as you did.”

“Guess they didn’t see it that way, and neither did I.”

“So that’s it? That’s your deep, dark secret? That’s the best you’ve got?”

He looked angry. “I was weak, frightened. Pathetic. No damn hero, that’s for sure.”

“I see it differently. I think you’re extremely brave, and you did something really heroic. You performed surgery, something you were not trained to do, with guns pointed at your head and men only too eager to blast you to kingdom come, and you kept him alive. He didn’t die on the table. That’s amazing. I’m proud of you.”

He shook his head again, but she caught a hint of a smile. “I think you’re just saying that because you’re too stubborn to give up on someone like me.”

She slid over to him and cupped his face in her hands. “Not someone like you. Just you! Shane Dawson, you are going to be a great doctor. I’ve seen you in action, and you’re confident, capable, and have a quick mind and good dexterity. You have the makings of a great physician. I’m going to see that you become one.”

“You forgot one little problem. I’m a drunk.”

“Don’t make me hurt you.” She leaned over and kissed his lips. “If you continue to talk trash about yourself, I might have to do something drastic, like wash your mouth out with soap.”

She definitely saw a smile now. “Do people actually do that?”

“I don’t know. I hope not.”

“So what’s going to happen the next time I have a major crisis in my life and go for the bottle? You going to stick around then?”