Happily Ever Madder: Misadventures of a Mad Fat Girl (17 page)

“How about this? When you go to that meeting next week, check and see if the programs are still in the building. If they are, let’s make fifty postcard-sized leaflets proclaiming the truth about Lenore Kennashaw, and while you’re in the office making copies of the evidence you already found proving her puny donations, I’ll pick a random box and get to work stuffing programs. The ones containing our little cards might be the first ones handed out at the charity ball or they might be the last, but either way, everyone doesn’t need to see the actual announcement.” I give Jalena a knowing look.

“We just need a few people to see it,” she says, understanding.

“Then it’ll spread like a wildfire. It’s like a warped use of supply and demand. Maybe a few of the people who find our little addendum will realize they’ve got something scandalous and then hang on to it so they can show it off.”

“I kind of hate to do this at the fund-raiser because, you know, it’s raising money for the kids,” Jalena says.

“Will any of the kids be there that night?”

“No.”

“Well, then, I don’t see a problem, because what we’re doing really is in the best interest of the organization, right? And the money will still be raked in, right?”

“Well, yeah,” she says slowly.

“Girl, we’re just gonna put some extra ‘fun’ in the annual fund-raiser.”

“You know what would be even better?” Jalena says. “If we could get her name card moved to a different table.” She starts giggling. “Then she would be over there looking for her seat with the big shots and wouldn’t be able to find it.” She gets up and mimics what Lenore would look like as she tried to find her seat. I laugh until my side hurts, and Buster Loo runs circles around Jalena’s feet, barking and wagging his tail. “If we could get those place cards swapped around, that would be great, because the committee that sets up the seating chart strictly forbids seat swapping.” She looks at me. “But that’s going to be hard to do because they guard that place like a tomb after they set everything up.”

“Even at night?” I ask.

“The gala is held in the conference center at the Downtown Inn, and I’m pretty sure they keep it locked up day and night even when nothing is going on.”

“We’ll think about that, and I’m sure we can figure something out.”

“Oh, I just thought of one more thing,” Jalena says. “They have valet parking for this event even though the parking lot is just across the street, so wouldn’t it be hilarious if when she left, we could have some kind of crappy car waiting on her instead of her Mercedes?”

“That would be so freakin’ hilarious!” I think about the station wagon. “And I might actually have a way to arrange that.” I tell her all about Erlene Pettigo rolling into the back of my car at Bueno Burrito, then how I met her at the Peanut Festival and she said her husband might let me drive the station wagon while he fixed my car.

“Oh, that would be too much,” Jalena says, laughing, then starts shaking her head. “But there ain’t no way all of this is gonna work, because it would be too perfect.”

“We have to try,” I tell her. “We can try it all and hope
some
of it works, and if it all falls flat, then we’ll just have to come up with a new plan.”

“I like the way you think,” Jalena says, laughing. “Check into that paddy wagon.”

“Okay, but if I do get it, how are we going to get it to the curb instead of the Mercedes?”

“A fifty-dollar bill and some cleavage will go a long way with a valet,” she says with a smile. Her phone beeps again, and after she looks at it, she tells me that Luke can hardly wait any longer.

“You take off,” I tell her. “I’ll see you tomorrow night.”

“Girls Night In!” she says, walking toward the door. “Hey, don’t say anything about this in front of Olivia,” she tells me. “We need to get Tia in on it if we can, but not Olivia, because when her husband asks her if she knows anything about how it all happened, I don’t want her to have to lie.”

“Let’s just hope something will happen that she won’t have to lie about,” I say, getting up.

“Right. But who knows, Ace, we might get lucky!” she says on her way to the door. Buster Loo follows her, watches her leave, and then starts his most pitiful whimpering.

“C’mon, little man,” I tell him, walking into the kitchen, because that gets him every time. “I bet I can find you an olive.”

29

I
call Tia on the way to work on Thursday, and we discuss drinks and snacks for Girls Night In. I suggest more appetizers and she suggests BYOB, and I tell her that’s a great idea because her World Famous Magic Punch nearly killed me last week. She gets a kick out of that and then thanks me for volunteering the gallery as the permanent Girls Night In venue.

“Yeah,” I say, wondering if I’ll ever remember saying that. “Well, it’s the perfect place.”

“It is,” she says. “Hey, you want to have lunch today?”

“Sure,” I say.

“Blue Oyster at noon?”

“I’ll see you then.” I hang up feeling apprehensive because my feelings about Kevin have yet to subside, despite my best efforts not to think about him. I really like Tia and want us to be good friends, so maybe the more I hang around her, the less I’ll be crushing on Kevin, because being a shitball friend is not really my thing.

I get to the gallery at fifteen minutes past ten and don’t even care that I’m late. Buster Loo hops out of the car and runs into the bushes like a rabbit on crack, and it takes me fifteen minutes to get him out of there. I hook his leash to his collar right about the time two squirrels launch themselves out of the shrubbery and scamper across the parking lot. He takes off and almost chokes himself trying to give chase. When we finally get to the door, Buster Loo notices a lizard on the sidewalk and pounces on it. A brutal battle ensues in which the lizard loses its tail, but I manage to get Buster Loo pulled inside before he eats the poor thing whole.

Once in the gallery, he starts wagging his tail and looking at me like he’s been a really, really good dog. I unhook him and he prances around, reinvestigating the place, and I’m happy with my decision to make every day a bring-a-chiweenie-to-work day.

Despite the good company of my dog, the morning still creeps by at a snail’s pace. A nice couple from Michigan drops by and they think Buster Loo is the greatest little dog they’ve ever seen, so I don’t even care that they leave without even pretending they might buy something. A few more people breeze in and out, and one lady does more than breeze out when Buster Loo sneaks up on her and scares her. She jumps and shrieks, which scares him, so he starts to growl and bark, and she looks at me like I threw a rattlesnake at her and hustles out the door in a huff. Again, Buster Loo looks at me and wags his tail like he’s being the best dog ever.

I take him out for a short walk, then fluff his bed and fill up his water bowl before leaving to meet Tia for lunch. I’m dying to ask her about her relationship with Kevin, but I don’t because I’m not a good liar and would hate to blow my cover by blurting out something about how bad I want to see his penis. So we make small talk and have a very nice lunch, and I leave there even more jealous of her than I was before. When I get back to the gallery, I find Avery sitting in the parking lot, waiting. I apologize as I unlock the door and go immediately into my office and get her a key.

“I don’t know why I haven’t given you this already,” I tell her.

“Maybe you don’t really trust me,” she jokes. “Maybe you secretly think I’d loot the place.”

“Right,” I say. “You got me. I have you pegged as a thief.” I roll my eyes at her, and she smiles. “I just had lunch with Tia, and she was asking if you were coming to the Girls Night In. Are you?” I ask her.

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world,” Avery says. I tell her it’s BYOB and she tells me that since last week’s snack from Eden’s Treats went so well, she’s going to bring another one of her favorite dishes from there. I tell her I think that’s great and secretly hope she doesn’t bring something awful and get her feelings hurt if no one eats it.

I don’t talk to Mason all afternoon, because he’s apparently having a busy day, so I remind him via text message that I won’t be joining him for dinner in the conference room because it’s Girls Night In again. He texts back and says he’ll pick up some extra aspirin on the way home. I smile, thinking how happy we could be if we could just spend some time together. I remind myself that I was the one working around the clock before I opened the gallery, so the least I can do is afford him the same amount of patience. I assure myself that we’ll get out of this relationship funk when he finishes up the case for Mr. Marks. Because things have to get better.

Avery wants to take Buster Loo out for a walk, and after she leaves with him, I spend a few minutes cleaning up the place. When they get back, it’s almost closing time, so we go our separate ways in search of drinks and snacks.

I stop by the grocery store because I know we don’t have anything in the fridge and end up spending six times what I’d planned, but that’s okay, because I like to have things like milk and cheese and Oreo cookies in the house. I go home, and I’m in the middle of making my signature seven-layer bean dip when I realize I forgot to buy chips. I glance at the clock on the stove and see that I’m going to be late if I don’t get going. I look around for Buster Loo because I want to tell him good-bye, and find him curled up in his deluxe doggie bed. I smile because he’s all tuckered out from a big day.

Since I’m already running late, I forgo a trip to Discount Liquors and pick up a slightly more expensive six-pack at the grocery store. Beer in hand, I’m speed-walking down the chip aisle when I hear someone call my name. I look around and see that damn Lenore Kennashaw coming up behind me. She smiles and waves and I turn back around and keep walking. A minute later, I’m scanning the chip bags looking for that one particular brand I like to have with my bean dip when she pushes her buggy in front of me and starts talking like we’re old friends. I keep scanning the chips, completely ignoring her.

Then she snaps her fingers in front of my face and says, “Talking! Talking to you!” I look at her and she stops snapping her fingers. She smiles at me and says, “Good, now that I have your attention—”

“Lenore,” I say, cutting her off by putting my hand up in her face. “If you
ever
snap your fingers at me again, I swear to you that I will break them off your hand and shove them up your ass sideways. Got it?” Not the best line I’ve ever come up with, but it’ll do for today.

While she’s gasping with her hand on her chest, I finally locate the chips I want, so I push her buggy out of my way and grab two bags. Before I walk away, I look at her and wink. Then I laugh out loud like a crazy person all the way down the chip aisle while the black dog in my mind howls triumphantly.

30

W
hen I pull up at the gallery, everyone is already inside.

“I hope it’s okay that I used my key,” Avery says in a quiet voice.

“Well, it is this time, but if you do it again, I’ll probably have you arrested,” I say and then have to tell her six times that I’m joking. “This is exactly why I gave you a key, Avery,” I say finally, and she tells me not to joke like that because she’s already nervous about the Bianca pizza she brought to the party. I tell her to stop worrying about that, too, because if no one eats it, then she’ll have more leftovers for herself. That seems to make her feel better and she starts acting normal again. Well, normal for her.

We eat and chat and have a good time, and when we retire to the couches, I get a kick out of the beverage variety. I have a Corona, Avery has a four-pack of mini wine bottles, Olivia’s sipping on some kind of watermelon mojito, and Jalena is drinking Mad Dog 20/20. Tia, however, is drinking water, so I guess she won’t be calling her designated driver tonight.

“I just want y’all to know that while I
am
drinking, I have no plans to get drunk,” Olivia announces as she sets her bottle down on the end table beside her. “I was so ill last Friday that I almost killed my damn mother-in-law.”

“You know, I just saw your mother-in-law at the grocery store,” I say.

“I’m sorry,” Olivia says and starts sniggering.

“At first she tried to be nice, which was really weird,” I say. “Then she snapped her fingers in my face.”

“Who does that?” Avery asks, and Tia just shakes her head.

“Oh lordy,” Olivia moans. “You shoulda slapped her right in the mouth.”

“I thought that would be too harsh, so instead I told her if she ever did it again, I’d break her fingers off and stick them up her ass sideways.”

“Oh no, you didn’t,” Jalena says and starts hee-haw laughing. Olivia leans over and gives me a high five, and then when I tell her that I winked at Lenore before I walked off, she gives me a double high five. Tia laughs a little but not much. Jalena picks up on her lack of enthusiasm and asks her if something is wrong.

“No,” Tia says with a sigh.

“You don’t feel like drinking?” Avery asks, and I’m glad she did so I didn’t have to.

“No, I don’t have a designated driver,” she says, and everyone gets quiet.

“What’s up with that?” Jalena asks cautiously.

“Oh, who knows?” Tia shrugs. “He’s already called and said he wouldn’t be available tonight. Wait, I’m sorry, did I say ‘called’? I meant to say ‘texted’ because he’s stopped calling.” She stops talking and I take a big swig of beer because that statement just ripped my nerves to shreds.

“Is it some kind of hunting season?” Olivia asks.

“I don’t know and I wish I didn’t care,” Tia says. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

I want to scream that I want to talk about it, but of course I can’t so I look at Jalena and ask how it went with Luke last night.

“It went very well,” Jalena says, grinning from ear to ear.

“Obviously,” Olivia says. “Because you’re here and not hacked up dead in a ditch somewhere, right?”

“Right,” Jalena says, making a face at her sister. “But really, I’m afraid he’s going to be another one that turns out to be a little too good, if you know what I mean.”

“How could he be
too
good?” Avery asks.

“Well,” Jalena says, “it’s been my experience that when a man seems too good to be true, he’s usually on the hunt for some, shall we say, supplemental sexual favors? In addition to, you know, what he gets from the wife or steady girlfriend he’s never gonna break up with.”

“Or he could just be a really nice guy who’s also a mass murderer in search of his next victim,” Olivia says.

“Shut up, Olivia,” Jalena says in the nicest way I’ve ever heard anyone say that. “I think I’ll drive by his house later and see what’s up.”

“How do you know where he lives?” Avery asks.

“I’ve seen his driver’s license,” Jalena says. “Anytime I go out with someone I’ve met online, I always start up a conversation about my driver’s license photo, and then whatever he says about his, well, I don’t believe a word of it until he hands it over. That way I can do two things. One, see if he’s using his real name, and two, see where he lives.”

“Slick,” I say with genuine admiration.

“Have you ever caught someone using a different name?” Avery wants to know.

“There was this one guy who wouldn’t let me see his license,” Jalena says. “So I pretended I was silencing my phone and snapped a picture of him; then I went straight to the ladies’ room and texted it to Olivia. I told her exactly where I was and instructed her to call the police if she didn’t hear from me by a certain time.”

“I love getting messages like that from my baby sister.” Olivia looks at Jalena. “Call the police in two hours because I’m probably getting raped by this ax murderer I just sent you a fuzzy picture of.” Olivia shakes her head and laughs. “Man, I wish you would stop finding men online.”

“I will when I find the right one,” Jalena says.

“I don’t believe you’re looking in the right place to find the right one,” Olivia says.

“Thank you, Olivia.” Jalena snorts.

“So where does this guy live?” I ask.

“Eighty-nine fifty-six Briar Bay Circle in Pelican Cove, Florida.”

“Well, let’s go drive by and see what’s up!” I say, but I get a mixed response.

“I’m game,” Tia says. “I haven’t had a drop to drink and my truck has tinted windows, so y’all grab one for the road and let’s go see what we can find out about this guy.”

After Olivia and Avery reluctantly agree to go along, Jalena says she has to run out to her car before we leave. A few minutes later, we’re all loaded up in Tia’s Tahoe, and the fact that I’m so excited about doing something so crazy makes me wonder if my life has gotten a bit too dull.

Jalena, who is in the front passenger seat, starts digging around in her bag and a moment later pulls out something that looks like a small satellite dish.

“Are we going to watch some cable on your iPhone?” Tia asks, eyeing the apparatus.

“Oh no,” Jalena says, putting on a set of headphones that looks like something an air traffic controller would have worn in 1987. “Y’all be quiet a minute and let me do a test run on this thing.”

We all pipe down and I’m leaning up watching Jalena mess with some buttons on the handheld part of the device when Olivia hollers, “Hey, what are you doing up there? Did you bring that silly little spy machine of yours?”

Jalena jerks the headset off her head and sticks her fingers in her ears and shakes her head. “Dammit!” she exclaims. “Yes, Olivia, I brought my silly little spy machine and now I’ll be tone-deaf for the rest of my life.”

“What is it really?” I ask.

“It’s called a directional sound device.”

“Where did you get it?” I ask, marveling.

“Got if off eBay for seventy-five bucks,” she replies.

“What a bargain!” Olivia says, and Avery starts giggling.

“Okay, it’s the next road to the right,” Jalena tells Tia.

“Why am I doing this?” Olivia cries from the backseat.

“Because it’s fun,” I tell her. “You know you’re having a blast.”

“Right down there,” Jalena says, pointing. “Olivia, please, I beg you, don’t say anything when I put these back on.”

“Okay, I won’t. I promise,” Olivia whispers.

“Just drive by real slow—” Jalena says.

“I wish there was a way you could hook your spy machine up to the speakers so we could all hear what’s going on!” Olivia bellows, and Jalena rips off the headphones and turns and scowls at her sister.

“Oops, sorry,” Olivia says, grinning. “Won’t happen again.” Jalena puts her headset back on and turns around.

I lean back and whisper to Olivia that I think that’s a really awesome idea. Without turning around, Jalena calls, “I can hear you!”

Tia rolls up beside a mailbox with 8956 painted on the side, and Jalena turns her baby satellite toward the house. Tia and I lean toward Jalena, and I can hear noise coming through the earphones. As we creep slowly past the house, Jalena turns the listening device, holding it steady.

Tia taps her on the arm and points to the rearview mirror. “Someone’s coming,” she whispers.

“Go, then,” Jalena whispers back, and Tia accelerates.

“Well,” Olivia shouts from the backseat after Jalena takes off the headset, “what did you hear?”

“Nothing really,” Jalena says. “There was a lot of background noise. Probably the TV.”

“Well, there were two bikes and a tricycle in the front yard, if that helps any,” Olivia offers.

“What do you think he drives?” Avery asks. “The Ford truck or the Nissan minivan?”

“There was a minivan?” Jalena says, whirling around.

“Parked in the carport, yes.”

“Well, looks like I didn’t need my high-tech spying device to figure this one out.”

“No, but it did make the entire experience that much cooler,” I say.

“Oh well.” Jalena sighs. “Another one bites the dust.”

On the drive back, Olivia tells us some hilarious stories about what her kids have been doing, I tell them about seeing my neighbors sporting goggles and kitchen gloves while out on poop patrol, and then Avery shocks us all by quietly mentioning that she has a new romantic interest.

“What?” I say. “Why didn’t you say something earlier?”

“It’s not official,” Avery says, blushing. “We’re just talking.”

“What does that
mean
?” Olivia asks her. “Just talking.”

“I don’t know. It means we’re, like, just talking,” Avery says.

“Olivia, you’ve been out of the game too long,” Jalena says. “You’re just talking when you’re interested in each other but haven’t decided yet if you want to date or just bone.”

Even Tia starts laughing at that explanation.

“So do you have a picture of him?” I ask, thinking of Jacques Le Sumay formerly known as Jason Smith, who I had imagined looked like a cross between Andy Dick and a long-haired Nicolas Cage.

“Yes,” she says, giggling. Avery pokes around in her hobo bag until she comes up with her phone. She hands it to Olivia first.

“Oh, he’s handsome,” Olivia says with a genuine smile, so I start thinking that maybe he is, because he needs to be if he’s interested in Avery.

Olivia hands the phone to me and I turn it around to see the ugliest dude I’ve ever laid eyes on in my whole entire life. He looks like Donatella Versace with a blue mohawk. I glance up at Avery, who is looking at me expectantly. Then I look at Olivia, whose eyes are round like saucers, and she kind of shakes her head back and forth as if to say
not really handsome!
I look back down at Avery’s phone and say, “He’s adorable!” then pass it to Jalena.

Jalena looks at the picture, dies out laughing, and says, “Good one, Avery, now show us what he really looks like.” She holds the phone up for Tia to see, and Tia doesn’t say a word. I look back at Avery and she looks like she’s about to cry.

“That
is
what he really looks like,” she says, and Jalena looks like she wants to die.

Tia jerks the phone out of Jalena’s hand and says, “Don’t listen to her, Avery. She doesn’t know anything about men. Remember that story she told us last week about Travis?” Tia looks down at the phone. “He has really nice, uh, lips.”

I almost bite through my own lip trying not to laugh. Tia hands the phone back to me and I give it back to Avery without looking at it or her.

“He can’t help it he’s ugly,” Avery whines, and the rest of us start lying like dogs and telling her how ugly he isn’t. Then Olivia gives her a speech about how the only thing that really matters is the way he treats her, to which Avery replies, “He said his last girlfriend broke up with him because he was too nice.”

“Well, good,” Olivia says in her most motherly tone. “You’re a beautiful young lady inside and out, and you deserve a very nice guy.”

When we get back to the gallery, everyone starts gathering up their stuff and I’m sad the night has already come to an end.

“What are we eating next week?” Jalena says.

“How do y’all feel about Mexican?” I say.

“Sounds good to me,” Avery says.

Tia, Olivia, and I call off a few dishes we might fix, and Avery volunteers to furnish tortilla chips and fresh guacamole.

“I’ll bring the tequila,” Jalena says. “My cooking skills leave much to be desired, especially when I venture off into international dishes.”

“She’s telling y’all the God’s honest truth,” Olivia says. “I promise.”

“Thank you, Olivia.”

We cackle about that, then say our good-byes and good nights, and after everyone walks outside, I make a round through the gallery turning off lights. When I walk out into the parking lot a few minutes later, Jalena is just leaving and Tia is standing on the sidewalk. She walks over to me with a sly look in her eye.

“Hey,” she says quietly. “I’ve got a little project I need you and Jalena to help me with.”

“Great! What is it?”

“We’ll get to that,” she says. “Can you meet us at Credo’s tomorrow night at seven?”

“Of course I can, because, as you know, that’s only, like, three blocks from my house.” I smile because I’ll get to skip another conference room dinner. “Don’t leave me hanging here, Tia. What’s up?”