Happy Chaos (5 page)

When I had my first child, a lot of my friends didn't have kids yet. Now, in the last few years I've seen more of my friends go through the same things I did. They have their own ideas of what kind of parents they'll be, and often they sound a lot like I did when I was imagining my own future. My best advice to new parents is not to put pressure on yourself to be some ideal of the perfect parent. Share your ideas with other parents, and learn from them, but don't feel that there's any single right way to be a great mom or dad. There's a lot of judgment out there, and it can be really easy to get down on yourself as a result—or exhaust yourself trying to reach some unattainable goal. If you are happy, and your baby is thriving, then obviously you're doing something right.

I like to think I've now found a middle place between the mom I imagined I would be and the mom I turned out to be in those early days of having my first child. My kids and I run in the grass with bare feet, we dance in the rain, and one of these days (or years) I'll dress them up and take them to
The Rocky Horror Picture Show
. And when we get home, I can happily say that I will still ask them to wash their hands and take off their shoes before they go in their room.

Write this down: Describe who you are as a parent—or, if you are pregnant, who you think you will be as a parent. Express the things that are really important to you and then revisit what you wrote down every once in a while. It is great to have a reminder of how we want to be and laugh at ourselves when we drift off. It is always good to look at ourselves in the mirror.

We can be so focused on the ways that we want to change when we become parents that sometimes we don't focus as much as we should on the things that really should stay the same. Before you ever became a mom or dad, there were things that were important to you, in a truly essential way. Maybe it was being playful with your partner, taking care of yourself physically, or expressing who you are through something creative. These are the things that help define you as a person. One of the most difficult things as a new parent can be feeling a little lost, like you're not sure who you are anymore. So make a list of who you were before you had kids. Now look at that list. Are you still that person? Have you lost anything really important along the way? How can you get it back? Share this list with your partner or a close friend. Help each other to hold on to the good stuff. Your kids will thank you for it.

We've all had that moment when certain words come out of our mouths, and then we have this flashback to hearing our parents say the same exact thing to us. But it's not always a bad thing to turn into our parents in some ways, right? Here are some amazing things that my parents taught me about parenting:

My mom and dad cherry-picking on one of our awesome adventures

I know I've turned into my parents when I . . .

“Yell at my daughter to ‘CLEAN YOUR ROOM!' ”

—Sheila

“Say ‘because I said so' as if it was a real answer.”

—Kimberly

“Overly bundle up my children.”

—Collette

“Tell my kids school is for learning not socializing.”

—Nicole P.

Question of the day: What are your favorite family traditions?

“Pancakes on rainy days.”

—Amy

“We have a few good ones. Amelia and I have mommy-baby yoga every day. We also schedule Play-Doh time. But my favorite is dinner on Sunday night. My husband and I take our little ones to our closest friends' house (they have a toddler too). We eat, parent talk, and enjoy the moments our little ones give us.”

—AnaLiesa

“Watching football together through the NFL season.”

—Annette

“My favorite family tradition isn't a set tradition, but whenever we get a chance, we make a small fire in the firepit in our backyard and roast marshmallows and talk. Even though our kids are young, they enjoy this time outside at night, and we hope to continue to build on this as they grow.”

—JoyfulTxGal

“I love Christmastime and we have a bunch of good traditions surrounding it . . . cuddling up all together on Christmas Eve and reading ‘'Twas the Night Before Christmas' right before we all go to bed. My mother cries every year reading it . . . Making a ton of cookies in the days leading up . . . Going to see a sappy movie on Christmas Day while the turkey is cooking and then my mom takes a nap.”

—Kelly F.

 

M
y mother always says that she sleeps best when the house is full. The holidays are her favorite time of the year, when the whole family is under one roof. I am the same way. I'm never happier than when the house is full of laughter and joy—the more packed, the better.

When I was growing up, my house was everyone's home away from home. To this day, my friends remember eating my mother's home cooking and her always full house. On any given night, our dinner table would be crowded with Meeno's friends, my friends, and basically any kid in Hollywood who was in need of a home-cooked meal. Friends who were in town filming during the holidays were always invited over along with neighbors and extended family. The house was often packed. There were nonstop games of pool, and at Christmas you would even find Danny O'Connor from House of Pain and my other rapper friends singing carols and roasting chestnuts on the front lawn. Every Christmas Eve was filled with adventures and friends coming in and out of our house at all hours.

My mom, Meeno, and me at the holidays

 

The holidays are my favorite time of year. I literally get excited six months beforehand. I try to conserve energy all year long so that I can light up the house at the holidays with a thousand twinkle lights everywhere. My husband shakes his head at how over the top with excitement I get about this time of year. So imagine my elation when we won Holiday House of the Year in our neighborhood.

It was a beautiful sunny day when I got the knock on the door. A person was standing with a bright smiley face as they shouted, “Miss, you have just won Holiday House of the Year.” I jumped up and down and almost peed in my pants, I was so happy! They asked for the spelling of my name, and just as I was about to give it to them, my husband jumped in and asked what in the world I was doing. “Honey, we won an award for Holiday House of the Year,” I replied, sounding like a five-year-old who had just won a golden ticket to Willy Wonka's chocolate factory. My Jewish husband stared at me blankly before saying, “That's great, how ‘eco' of you, and I'm sure my temple will be thrilled.” And just like that, my crest had fallen. It wasn't enough that I had decked out our house with lights, angels, reindeer, and a golden gate, but to top things off, now we were winning an
award
for it. I kept that award certificate on my mantel for a year. Now we happily celebrate both Christmas and Hanukkah, and my husband has the wonderful name of Hanaclaus, for the tall and handsome Jewish Santa that he is to us.

Traditions are important in my family. We celebrated every type of holiday when I was growing up—Christmas, Hanukkah, Passover, Easter . . . as you can tell, my family was very open-minded. We believed in learning about other philosophies, and what better way to do that than to celebrate as many traditions as possible? One of my favorite memories was when I was about ten and we moved into a new neighborhood. My brother was going through his heavy-metal phase then. He had long, curly hair, and wore leopard stretch pants and ripped-up tank tops. I was always playing dress-up—you would find me wearing all sorts of funky cowboy boots—and my mom looked like something between a hippie and a rocker. We had cars picking us up at all hours because I was doing
Punky
at the time, and we were often traveling. Anyway, it was Easter and we were in the middle of one of our big Easter egg hunts when the neighbors called the police. They thought we were hiding drugs. Between the way we dressed, the cars, and the wacky hours we were keeping, they were sure that our family must be connected to some illegal activity.

Jason and me on Santa's lap when I was pregnant with Jagger

 

That is just how we rolled in my family, unorthodox and always breaking the rules, or at least breaking them while carrying on traditions. I learned how to ride a motorcycle before a bicycle and I got to stay up late as a kid and watch my two favorite television shows:
Dynasty
and
The Colbys
. I feel like I had a great childhood, even if it was a unique one. People often ask me how I turned out so normal. Normal? Hmmm. I'm not sure if I would categorize myself as one hundred percent normal, and I'm not even sure I'd want to. But I have a happy and settled life, and I think more than anything it's because we always had such a sense of family. My mom made sure that we were able to be kids—and that our house was the place that everyone escaped to, not from. And as far as she was concerned, the more of us packed into that house, the better. And just like all great traditions, they are meant to be carried on, and every day I try.