Hard Choices (13 page)

The summer sped by, but I didn’t really notice. I was having so much fun – work was great, I was having tons of fun with my friends, and Kyle when he could squeeze me in. Becca had stayed at school that summer, to take classes and work, and Danny was saving his leave for the holidays, but we still talked and Skyped regularly. We kept each other in the loop – with one notable exception from my side of the conversations.

My nights were spectacular. Just about every Sunday through Thursday night, Aaron came over, and we fucked the evening away.

Before I even realized it, it was late August, and Aaron was getting ready to go back to school.

One Sunday night, it was suddenly our last Sunday night. Aaron came over, and we enjoyed each other, then collapsed on the couch. He was different though, pensive. I stepped out of our unspoken but defined boundaries and actually asked him what was wrong. He completely shocked me with his answer.

“Lyssa, I want to tell you something: we both went into this knowing it was a summer fling. I mean, we may never have said those words out loud, but we knew. We never talked about the future, we never made plans past the weekend, we never went out as a couple. But I want you to know, if I
were
in the market for something long-term, you’d be at the top of my list. You are an
amazing
woman – and not just in bed,” he smiled lopsidedly at me. “I mean it. You’re smart, you’re funny, you’re kind. You’re honest. You’ve taught me that there are women out there who don’t play games.”

“Wow, Aaron, thank you,” I said sincerely. “That’s so sweet.”

“I’m not trying to be sweet. I’m being honest. Lyssa, if you hadn’t already raised your family, and you weren’t moving on to the next phase of your life,” he exhaled, “the end of this summer would be a lot harder.” He took my hands in his and looked me deep in the eye. “I will always care about you,” he said softly, “If you ever need me, I will come.”

I was touched to tears. I had to take a deep breath before I could even speak. “Aaron, I owe you a debt of thanks I can never repay. Never. You woke up my body. You woke up my
soul
. Remember that conversation we had, about your year abroad?” he nodded. “I had completely forgotten that about myself – that I had wanted to spend a year living… anywhere! You got me thinking. About a lot of things. About what I really want for me. What Lyssa wants for Lyssa, without worrying about what my kids will think, or how it will affect them. I knew my kids were independent,” I laughed, “but spending this summer with you, and hearing you talk about your parents like they’re a beloved nuisance,” he threw his head back and howled with laughter at that.

“I do not! I love my parents!” he protested.

“You do,” I nodded, “but on any given day, who would you have rather been with? Your family? Or me?” I wasn’t being arrogant, even though I knew the answer. I just wanted him to truly think about it.

“OK,” he cocked his head to the side, “you got me. I love my mom and dad, and my whole family, but yeah,” he nodded, “when I was with them, I enjoyed it, but I saw it as an obligation. I tried not to think about you, though, because I really didn’t want to have to hide my hard-on.”

Now I threw my head back and howled. “Oh, Aaron. You have no idea what you have done for my self-image.
No idea.”

“Tell me,” he said, genuinely curious.

“Well, I never thought of myself as sexy before I met you.”

Aaron’s jaw dropped. “Jesus, Lyssa! You
have
a mirror!”

I laughed and said, “No, really. I mean, I knew I could work hard. I knew I was excellent at my job. I knew I was a good mom. I was even a good wife, I really was. The best I knew how. But I really didn’t know that I could… turn a man’s head. Turn a man on,” I shrugged helplessly. “That was a revelation to me. You were a revelation to me.”

“Goddamn,” he sighed pulling me into a hug. “Why couldn’t you be twenty-three?”

“Why couldn’t you be forty-two?” I smiled sadly into his shoulder.

“Oh well. Like I said, you’ve taught me that things can be handled with grace. You’ve treated your douchebag ex with nothing but respect, and thanked him for the three kids you had, and the life you built while you were with him. I guess I need to thank the Universe for throwing your smokin’ hot ass in my pathway,” he pulled back and looked at me, “and giving me the best summer of my life. Really.”

I teared up again. “Me too, Aaron. In a lot of ways, it was the best three months of my life.”

He smiled into my eyes. “Not forever, though, Lyssa. You are going places. Places neither of us can even envision right now. And I wish you well on your journey,” his voice got a little husky at the end there, and his eyes got a little shiny.

“Thank you, Aaron. For everything. I mean that.”

Then he kissed me. It was our first real kiss. It held all the unfulfilled promise of the true love affair we would never have – the love affair we
would
have had if we weren’t in such completely different places in our lives. If age and life experience hadn’t separated us.

But we’d been adults about it. We’d made sure we hadn’t fallen in love with each other. We’d gone into this with eyes wide open.

Still hurt like hell to say goodbye.

I pulled away, and took his hand, pulling him down the hallway, toward my bedroom. But he pulled on my hand.

“Wait. Lyssa, I can’t. Not right now.” I know my surprise showed on my face. He ran his hand through his hair and looked at the ground. Then the ceiling. Finally, he looked me in the eye again. “If I go down this hallway with you, and I go into your bedroom, we won’t be having sex. I feel… really close to you. I feel… really sad to leave you. If we did it now, it’d be dangerously close to making love,” I shuddered as I realized that he was right. “In another lifetime,” he shook his head, “you couldn’t keep me out of your pants right now,” I knew what he was doing. Trying to steer the conversation back into safer waters, our normal waters. “But… I think, for both our sanity… I should leave. Just for today. Let’s get a little distance. A little clarity. Otherwise… I’m afraid I… I wouldn’t be able to leave you.”

My heart beat faster. Damn it. He was right. In another lifetime, maybe we could have built something real and lasting with each other. But we were here. We were now.

“Well, Jesus, Aaron,” I said in my normal sarcastic voice, “Way to ruin all the fun! Getting all real an’ shit,” I threw my hands up, but my smile took the sting out of my words, and he realized I was heading back into safer waters, too. “Fine!” I sighed. “Why don’t you go home and have dinner with your parents. Treat them like beloved nuisances,” I smirked. He laughed.

“That’s a good idea. I’ll see you tomorrow at work, OK? Ha! I get a short week!”

“That’s right!” I said, “Wednesday is your last day, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, and Wednesday night, I am all yours,” he said seductively, playfully, normally. “In fact, I kind of planned on hanging around tomorrow and Tuesday night, too, if you’re cool with that.”

Instead of answering him, I grabbed his shoulders and pushed him up against the wall. I kissed him hard and deep, the way we normally kissed. All animal lust. He kissed me back, with his hands on my ass, lifting me up. I pulled away, panting, looking at him and thinking I wasn’t quite ready for him to leave for the night.

“How about one for the road,” I almost growled, reaching up his shorts and cupping him in my hand.

He growled back at me, pulled my hand out, and spun me around. He reached around me, undid me shorts, and yanked them down. He pushed on my back until I bent over and put my hands flat on the ground. I saw his shorts hit the ground, and heard him slide a condom on. Then he grabbed my hips and pushed into me. Not gently. Not at all. It hurt a little. I was aroused, but my wetness hadn’t worked its way down to my opening yet. He could tell, so he stayed deep inside me for a few seconds, rotating his hips, covering his cock with me, then slowly drew all the way out of me again, pulling my own moisture down along the walls of my canal. With the tip of his dick, he worked the lips of my opening, making sure I was fully lubed this time.

Then he thrust into me. Hard. I took all of him in, but it was a tight fit. I knew this wouldn’t last long, so I said, “Get on your knees,” with him staying inside of me, we both dropped down to our knees. I went down on one elbow, and used the other hand to work my own clit. “Now fuck me. Fuck me hard,” I commanded.

Aaron thrust in and out of me, using his own rhythm, not worried about matching mine. I wasn’t worried either. As he moved back and forth, I worked my own clit with my practiced fingers. The dual sensations were amazing. With him filling me up, and me working myself, I felt my orgasm build and build until I cried out, and moaned, deep in my throat, deep in my belly. Aaron bellowed and came hard inside me, pushing himself in and holding my hips tight against him, so he was buried as deep in me as he could get.

I fell forward onto my chest and stomach, panting. Aaron sat back on his heels, leaning back on his hands.

“Holy shit, Lyssa, I am so jealous. I wish I could get off two ways at once!”

I laughed. “Comes with the different plumbing,” I snickered into the carpet.

He hopped up and went into the bathroom. I just lay enjoying the trembling of my body for a few minutes, my mind empty. It was fantastic.

Aaron came out of the bathroom and said nonchalantly, “Well, I better get going,” then he reached down and playfully slapped my bare ass. “I am really,
really
going to miss that sweet, fine ass of yours. Alas, duty calls,” I heard him pick up his keys and his wallet from the entry table. “Are you getting up? Oh crap, did I break you?”

“No. I am getting up,” I pushed myself up onto all fours and rocked back on my heels. “I think I wrinkled my shirt,” I whined playfully.

“Wah, you can buy another. I’ll see you at work tomorrow,” Aaron hesitated a second, and I thought he was debating whether or not to kiss me goodbye. I didn’t want him to. We’d danced too close to the edge as it was. There was no reason to make this harder on ourselves than we had to.

In a pre-emptive move, I jumped up and headed down the hall to my bedroom. “Lock the door behind you, would ya? There’s all kinds of riff-raff hanging around this neighborhood lately.”

He laughed and headed down the stairs. I heard him call, “Good night, Lyssa,” as he closed the door behind him.

I made it to my bedroom, and sank down onto the bed.
Do. not. cry, Lyssa. Don’t do it. You knew what this was going in. You have no right to whine about it now.

Your brain can tell you shit like that all it wants. But your heart never listens, does it? I lay on the bed and let the tears come. Tears because Aaron and I could not be together. Tears because I would never get to touch that magnificent body again after this week.

But really, when I was honest, I knew what I was truly terrified of: that I would never feel this way again – not feel that way about a man, not even feel this way in my body… but feel this way about myself. Being with Aaron really had woken up a part of me I hadn’t known existed. What if this was the best it was ever going to get?

After about half an hour of crying and feeling sorry for myself, I had an epiphany: I’d thought that before. I’d convinced myself things could never get any better. When I’d bought Big Ed. When I’d realized how far apart Scott and I had drifted. When I’d faced my divorce with aplomb and resignation.

I was wrong every time. Things always got better. Always. Sometimes, though, they had to suck for a little while. This was my little while.

So I dried my tears, and I called Molly.

“Hey girl, wanna grab a bite?”

“That sounds GREAT! J.J. isn’t around tonight. Let’s get some margaritas!”

I laughed, “OK. How about some food, too, though?”

“Spoilsport. Meet me at Rancho Nuevo in twenty minutes?”

“I’ll see you there.”

Less than half an hour later, Molly and I were seated in a corner booth sipping huckleberry margaritas.

“Um, Lyssa? I don’t want to pry… but your eyes are suspiciously red.”

I smiled. Molly never missed anything. “Yeah, I was feeling sorry for myself earlier.”

She reached across and took my hand. “Gonna miss Aaron?” she asked sympathetically.

“Yeah,” I took a deep breath. “But it’s more than that, Molly. You know what? I really
like
myself around Aaron. I feel fun and wild and uninhibited. I feel sexy and beautiful. I’m scared that will all go away when he does,” I said quietly, looking at the table.

Molly took a deep breath. It was a minute before she said anything. “I don’t have any way to convince you that you’re sexy and beautiful – god knows I’ve tried. But if it were
me,
I think every time I doubted that about myself, I’d envision Aaron on top of me, boffing my brains out.
Pretty sure
I’d feel sexy again,
pretty
damn quick,” she gave an emphatic shake of her head and took a deliberate sip of her margarita. “I mean, there is no part of this planet where that boy is not a
fine
piece of manness. I know you guys deliberately avoided going out as a couple, but if you had, you’d have seen the envy etched in the faces of every woman around you.
Trust me
.” I smiled and looked down at the table again.