Hardball (32 page)

Holly gripped her shaking hands together in her lap. Every cell in her body called for her to capitulate. Every stupid, soft emotion in her heart urged her to take the risk—to be with him, because that’s what she really wanted. Wanted more than anything, to be with Nate Carter, the man she loved against all reason.

She couldn’t let that happen.

“Nate, listen to me. I truly wish I was someone who strong enough, together enough, to put her heart out there like you want me to. But that’s just not me. I’m sorry,” she said in a broken voice. “You can’t know how sorry.”

He leaned across the table, looking fierce and determined, his dark eyes blazing with so much emotion that it almost sucked her into their vortex.

“You’re the one I want, Holly. The only one I want. But if you’re still demanding an ironclad guarantee, then I just can’t do it. I’m sorry. All I can tell you is that I’m willing to try and see where our relationship goes. Why can’t that be enough for now?”

Her whole body trembled now, and she felt weak and shaky. She had to get out of there. There was no point batting the same words back and forth across the table, because they were worlds apart in how they thought about love and commitment. It would take a monumental
something
to make that change.

Holly mustered up every ounce of strength she could find. “This isn’t about
ironclad guarantees
. It’s about trust. Trust means everything to me.”

Seeing him shake his head in exasperation made her anger flare. “Stop it! Just listen, okay? How could I live my life knowing I can’t trust you completely? I’m thirty-one years old. I’m not into casual relationships. I never was. And that sure isn’t what I want now. I want you. More than I’d have believed possible before you barged your way into my life. And I won’t share you. Not now. Not ever!”

Then her voice did break, and tears welled in her eyes. ”Oh, damn. I promised myself I wouldn’t cry, no matter what.”

“Holly, honey…” Nate stretched a hand across the table but she shook her head.

“Just give me a second.” She reached into her bag, pulling out a tissue.
Great. On top of everything else, now I look like a huge baby, too.

Pain and disappointment were so clearly etched into Nate’s features that, for a moment, Holly forgot her own wretched heartache.

Then Nate breathed out a quiet curse and looked away.

She wanted to take him by the shoulders and shake him. “God, Nate, don’t you get it? Being faithful isn’t like giving up smoking. There, it isn’t the end of the world if a guy sneaks a puff once in a while. A relationship isn’t like that. Being faithful means no sneaking and no puffs, period.”

He gave an angry shrug and ran a hand through his hair. But still he said nothing, although he looked frustrated as hell.

She blew her nose, then tried for a calm tone of voice. “Honestly I don’t see a future for us. I wish more than anything that I did. But my head’s in one place, and yours is obviously somewhere else. It’s possible we might get to the same place eventually, but the risk and the pain involved in that would just be too much to take.”

Nate stared at the doorway. Every fiber and nerve in his body urged him to get up and follow Holly, but he glued himself to the seat. He knew better than to chase after her. That would only make things worse. Cursing under his breath, he half-filled his sake cup and drained it in one swallow.

He felt like crap. His emotions were a mess. He didn’t know whether he was mad or sad or both. Frustrated, for sure, because he wasn’t used to not getting what he wanted. And he wasn’t used to a woman slamming an emotional door in his face, much less walking right out of his life.

Still, he had to admit there was hard truth in what Holly had said. As much as he didn’t want to lose her, she could be right about their chances for a permanent relationship. Maybe they were just too different and set in their ways for it to work out. So, when she’d said those things to him, he hadn’t been able to object, or come up with a single effective argument to counter her logic.

Even worse, the raw pain in her eyes had truly thrown him, rocking him with a heavy guilt. Did he have the right to put her through something that looked like it was tearing her apart?

Nice work, Carter. Now what?

Back to basics, he guessed. What he could give and what he couldn’t. While his dad had been busy teaching him how to throw a baseball and how to fight, his mother been teaching him a lot of other things. And the one he remembered at that moment from her life lessons was that a person can only ask someone else to give them something they are actually capable of giving. Holly didn’t understand that he couldn’t give her what she wanted. Not wouldn’t.
Couldn’t
. He’d promised her everything he had in him to give her. But it wasn’t enough.

He slapped his credit card down on top of the bill and motioned to the server. His gut felt empty, and not because he hadn’t eaten anything but a few sips of miso soup.

Get a grip, man.

If she wasn’t willing to give it a chance, that was the end of it. He’d get over it, and he’d do it by focusing hard on images of his life before he met her. Because that life had been damn good. He’d been happy—or at least he’d thought so. Hell, why wouldn’t he be happy with the kind of life he’d been able to lead? Wouldn’t almost every other guy in the world envy him?

Life before Holly was great. Life after her would be great, too.

Now he just had to keep saying that until he was sure he believed it.

“Maddie, are you sure you’re up to this?” Holly was thrilled that Maddie had offered to go furniture shopping wither her, but she worried that being on her feet all afternoon would tire her petite and very pregnant friend.

Maddie rolled her eyes as she took a dainty bite of her deli sandwich. “I’m having a baby, not recovering from major surgery, for heaven’s sake. Don’t forget I was a pretty darn good athlete before I swallowed this basketball.”

Holly laughed out loud, causing several of the diners in the crowded restaurant to turn and glance their way. “I just don’t want to wear you out. But I’m so glad you came with me. I’m hopeless at the
Better Homes and Gardens
stuff.”

“Don’t worry about it. I’m so bored since I stopped working full-time. There’s only so much baby preparation you can do, so it’ll be fun to find some treasures for your house.”

Holly wrinkled her nose as she picked over the nearly tasteless plate of greens in front of her. “I think a little fun is just what the doctor ordered, at least for me.”

Holly pushed her salad around with her fork. She didn’t have much of an appetite lately, which sucked on top of everything else. If this kept up, she’d be moving down a dress size pretty soon. “We haven’t talked in almost a week. He called once and left a message.”

She inwardly winced, hating to admit she was such a wimp. “I didn’t call back right away. I wanted to, but something made me afraid to pull the trigger. Probably because I wasn’t sure what I’d say to him if we talked. I’m trying to get my head back on straight, and I have to admit it’s been hell.”

“But you did call back eventually, right?” Maddie said.

“Yes, but in the most cowardly way—when I knew he’d likely be at a rehab session.”

When Maddie raised an eyebrow, Holly shook her head sadly. “I know, I know. Anyway, I left a message asking him if anything had changed, and saying that there was no point in calling again if it hadn’t.”

Maddie gave a little snort. “I can just imagine how Nate reacted to that.”

“Badly, I assume, since he hasn’t called again.” Holly still felt a little guilty about that message. “I was a little harsh, wasn’t I?”

“Nate’s been moping like a jilted teenager since you two split up,” Maddie said, not answering her question. “But he’s clammed up every time I’ve tried to talk to him. Jake’s had a little more luck. At least Nate told him he really wants to fix things between you.”

Holly might have been excited about that a week ago. Not now. What Nate might want in theory and what he was prepared to do in reality were separated by an apparently unbridgeable gulf. “Things can’t be fixed, Maddie. Remember the day Nate got hurt? I said then to you that I hoped he would love me enough to change. Well, I don’t see it ever happening, not as things stand now. And I’m not going to spend my life hoping that maybe someday it will.”

“I completely understand. But I’m going to say something I’m afraid you might not like.”

“Go ahead, “Holly said. “I want you to be honest with me. Say whatever’s on your mind.”

Maddie gave her a small smile. “Holly, you know what I think of Nate Carter. Don’t you think a man like that is worth taking a chance on?”

Resentment flashed through Holly. It wasn’t like she hadn’t thought this through a million times since that fateful dinner at the Japanese restaurant. She wished she could, but she just didn’t trust Nate enough to take that chance Maddie was talking about.

But she stifled her immediate reaction. She knew Maddie was doing this because she cared so deeply for both Nate and her. “I know you’re trying to help, Maddie. But, believe me. I doubt there’s anything you can say to me that I haven’t already said to myself. As far as your question goes—yes, of course I think Nate is worth taking a chance on.” She swallowed hard. “But for somebody else, not for me.”

Maddie fixed her with a hard gaze. “Sorry, but I’m not settling for that. I want you to tell me why not.”

Oh, man. I adore you, Maddie, but there’s only so much pressure I can take.

“Because I know myself,” Holly said crisply, wanting to get it over with. “And I’m not built to live like that.”

Maddie gave her a wounded look.

Shit
. “Maddie, I’m sorry. I don’t want to seem ungrateful for your concern. I’m sure there are I some women…well, a lot of women… who’d be happy to hang around and hope Nate changes his ways. But like I said, that’s not me. I’ve thought about living with the man. Hell, I’ve dreamed about living with him. But every time I let my mind go there, I start to think about what it would be like to sit home alone night after night wondering what he’s up to in Florida or L.A. or Chicago, or wherever the team takes him. I’d be a train wreck. A ten-car pile-up. Do you really think I could go into an operating room feeling like that? Would you want me operating on your child, holding a little kid’s heart in my hand when I’ve been up all night, wondering if my boyfriend is screwing around?”

Holly stopped, short of breath after blurting out what had sounded to her like a speech. Her chest felt tight, constrained. She forced herself to concentrate on relaxing her muscles, and took a few deep, cleansing breaths.

Maddie slowly nodded. “I can see that. It’s not like I don’t have the same fears.”

Holly flinched. She hadn’t even been thinking about Maddie’s situation. “True. But you guys are actually married. And Jake is definitely not Nate.”

“No, Holly, but maybe Nate is not the same Nate, either. And he’s sure not the tabloid version of Nate Carter. That’s all I’m saying.”

“Maybe. Everything is always maybe. Well, maybe doesn’t work for me.”

Maddie started to object, but Holly stopped her with a shake of her head. “It’s really not Nate’s fault, Maddie. He is who he is, and I love him. But he was crystal clear that he was not ready to make a commitment, and promise to stop seeing other women. I know myself, Maddie. I’d be miserable, and eventually I’d make him miserable too. It would be inevitable.”

Maddie reached out and clasped Holly’s hand. “I think you’re not giving Nate enough credit, but I’m going to be able to change your mind, am I?”

It wasn’t about persuasion, Holly thought dejectedly. “You’re so lucky to have a man like Jake. He’s so...I’m looking for the right word…steadfast, I suppose.”

Maddie’s face lit up. “Oh, he’s that all right. Family means everything to Jake Miller.” Then her eyes went soft with sympathy. “I’m so sorry, Holly. And I’m sorry for Nate, too. You’re both good people, so it’s a damn shame. You two are dynamite together.”

Right. Always on the verge of an uncontrolled explosion.
Tears started to well up in Holly’s eyes, but she blinked them back. She was so done with crying.

“I know I sometimes sound like I’m sanguine about it, but it’s just an act, Maddie. The truth is I’m so mad at him that I could…” Her throat constricted and she couldn’t finish the sentence.

“Beat him to death with a cooked noodle?”

Holly managed a small chuckle. “Something like that. But then I tell myself it’s not his fault. It’s mine, because I’m too rigid and demanding. I go back and forth all day long. All I know for sure is that I don’t think I should ever see him again. Not even as friends, because it would tear me apart.”