Hardpressed (11 page)

“Erica.”

Daniel rushed up to me, his eyes full of concern.

“Are you all right?”

“No.” I shook my head and then thought better of my reaction. Reason was slowly returning to me in Mark’s absence. “Yes, I’m fine. I’m sorry. I just need some air.”

“Here, come this way.” He held me gently around the shoulders and ushered me to an empty corner of the courtyard. We sat down on a wrought iron bench. My whole body felt heavy, sluggish. I was being held together by the dress that had just been pressed indecently close to the man who’d raped me.

I dropped my head in my hands. I hated Mark. Truly, and with every ounce of my being. I’d spent years of my life in fear of him. Never knowing when or how he could come back into my life. Now that he was here, the fear gave way to a potent rage. Before, the only person left to blame for my rape had been myself. I’d been too drunk, too naive. Every scenario brought the events of that night back to my actions and how I could have stopped it all somehow. Those days had ended. Mark was as evil as I’d ever imagined him to be and my anger and all the pain I’d felt after that night, because of that night, belonged to him.

Daniel gently swept a lock of hair behind my ear. “Did Mark say something to you?”

His voice brought me back to the present, and when I looked up he was frowning with evident concern. I closed my eyes, pressing my fingers to my temples. Tears threatened and I suppressed a sob. Something about Daniel, the way he looked at me, made me want more than I ever expected from the father I’d never had.

“Erica.” His voice sharpened.

“I know Mark,” I blurted out, immediately wishing I hadn’t.

“I don’t understand.”

I swallowed hard, trying to hide the emotions that welled as I searched for the right words. I hadn’t thought this out at all. Everything had happened so quickly.

“From college. We met before. I… I don’t know.” I searched his eyes, wishing that somehow he could just know—just understand without me telling him. His face seemed pale and stoic, giving me no indication of what he might be thinking of me.

I wanted the ivy on the courtyard walls to swallow me up and deposit me back into my bedroom, away from these people, everyone who could never understand what I’d been through. Then I heard Blake’s voice, like a light in the darkness. He hurried to join us where we sat.

“Erica. I was looking all over for you.”

Feeling weak, I nodded silently, pulling myself up to stand beside him. Daniel rose with me, steadying me with his hand at my elbow.

“Blake, I don’t think Erica feels well. You should take her home.”

Blake frowned and looked between us.

“Of course.”

That quickly, Daniel stepped away, disappearing back into the party.

“Baby, are you all right?”

“Yeah,” I whispered. “Take me home.”

The music was loud, reverberating through the walls of the house. Even from outside the noise was deafening. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t think. My limbs moved too slowly, my mind foggy from the alcohol. We’d wandered outside. I didn’t understand why until he shoved me down onto the grass in a dark shadow of the yard. I couldn’t gather the strength to free myself from the weight of his body as he pinned me down. Before I knew it, he was tearing through me like a knife, gritting his teeth as he did it.

I opened my mouth to scream but nothing came out, my voice gone. I was shaking, fighting, blind and voiceless when he called my name.

He knew me. He knew my name.

“Erica!”

Blake’s voice invaded the nightmare. My eyes shot open.

“You were dreaming.”

His hands slid down my arms. Every touch hurt.

“No.” I recoiled, struggling to root myself into reality. “Please, no. Don’t touch me, I can’t—”

I pushed myself away, nearly falling off the bed in my urgency to escape beyond his reach. I stumbled into the bathroom, holding myself up by the sink. The person I saw in the mirror was someone I knew, someone I hadn’t seen in a long time. My eyes were tired and dark, my skin flushed from the nightmare. I splashed water on my face, the chill simultaneously cooling me and bringing me back to the present.

Slowly, the events of the night came back to me. Pain crept through me. I’d come full circle. After all my self-assurances that I could handle Mark’s reemergence into my life, I was right back to where I’d started. I’d be looking over my shoulder, waiting for him around every corner. Except now the chances of being found were much higher. A sob escaped me and I crumbled to my knees, the floor cold and hard.

Blake stepped into the room and knelt down a few feet away.

“I did this, Blake. I brought him back. All of this is my fault.”

“Who, baby?”

“Mark.” My voice was a whisper, swallowed by the sobs that followed. I hugged my body with my arms, trying to stave off the pain. God, the pain was so intense, coursing through my veins with every heavy beat of my heart. My stomach writhed at this memory of the physical and emotional torment the man had put me through. I’d forgotten what he could do to me, after all these years. I tried to catch my breath and chanced a look at Blake, afraid of what a mess I was.

He winced, his expression tight with concern and restraint. His hands fell to his knees, fisting anxiously. “Tell me what to do.”

Silence fell as I contemplated the request. I could barely hold myself together as it was.

“Do you want me to leave?”

“No,” I rushed. “Please, don’t leave. I… I don’t want to be alone.”

I suppressed the next wave of tears that threatened at the thought of not having him with me. I wanted to reach out to him, to remind him how much I needed him, but I was firmly cocooned inside myself, unwilling and unable to let anyone close in my current frame of mind. Still, the thought of going through this alone was unbearable.

“Then I’m not going anywhere.” He shifted, leaning back against the bathroom wall, studying me intently.

The sound of his voice washed over me and I relaxed a little. I took a deep breath and wiped away the errant tears.

“Talk to me,” I said.

“About what?”

“Anything. Tell me something…happy. I want to hear your voice.”

His face relaxed, his eyes softening with it.

“Our story is the happiest one I know. I never thought I’d meet someone like you. You’re beautiful, smart. And strong. God, you’re so strong. Sometimes it blows me away.”

The tears came again, like my body was purging itself of all the emotions I’d built up. I loved Blake so much. He couldn’t possibly understand how much. Under the weight of everything, I felt anything but strong, but to know he saw strength in me gave me a glimmer of hope that I could get through all this somehow.

“You’re killing me. Seeing you like this, Erica, it shreds me. Tell me what to do. How can I fix this?”

I laughed weakly. “You can’t fix me, Blake. But thank you for wanting to.”

I took another breath, determined to get myself off the floor. I rose, appalled at the vision that looked back at me in the mirror. My eyes were puffy and red. I looked as devastated as I felt. I splashed more water on my face and toweled off before returning to the bedroom.

I fell heavily onto the bed, curling up with the blanket that was unnecessary on the warm night. I needed the comfort of being wrapped up because I knew I couldn’t handle Blake’s hands on me right now. My heart wanted it, but I was too raw, too scared of what anyone’s touch could do to me. He joined me and we faced each other, as far from one another as we’d ever been in a bed we’d shared.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered.

“You have nothing to be sorry for.”

“You shouldn’t have to deal with this.”

“Neither should you, but here we are. And I’m not going anywhere until you tell me to leave.”

I reached across to find his hand. We fell asleep that way, hand in hand, the simple touch enough to remind me that we still had each other.

*

I woke up to an empty bed, the smell of breakfast wafting into the room. My smile faded when I rose. My head was throbbing as if I’d spent the night drinking instead of crying.

I slipped on my comfy sweatpants and joined Blake in the kitchen. He turned from the stove where he was scrambling eggs.

“How are you doing?”

“Better.” I settled into one of the seats at the island.

He poured me a cup of coffee, adding copious amounts of sugar and cream, just the way I liked it. I thanked him and took a sip, feeling a little more ready to start the day.

He made two plates for us and ate his standing on the opposite side of the island. He maintained the distance that I’d needed the night before.

“Do you want to talk about what happened?” he said quietly.

I’d been so wrapped up in my horror last night, he hadn’t had the first idea what had spurred it. I hadn’t wanted to tell him, to worry him, but he’d ridden the night out with me. He’d been there for me the way no one ever had. He deserved answers as much as I didn’t want to give them.

I sat back in the chair and looked outside at the bright morning sky. Sunshine already poured into the apartment through the large bay windows of the living room.

“I ran into Mark last night.” I looked back to him.

The muscles in his face tightened, and his entire posture changed, as if Mark was there and he was ready to fight.

“What did he say?”

I swallowed, searching for the right words. Mark had been vague but his intentions were clear when he’d held me in the dance. I knew that now. “He implied that he…still wants me.”

Blake dropped his fork on his plate. “Why didn’t you tell me before? I had no idea.”

“I didn’t want to upset you. I know how you are. You’ll worry, overreact.”

“Goddamn right, I’m going to worry. Jesus, Erica. I need to know these things.” He took a deep breath and shoved a hand through his hair. “I’m going to get you a security detail, starting today.”

“No, Blake. Seriously, this is what I mean. You’re overreacting.”

“When someone threatens to rape my girlfriend, I’m going to react. You can call it whatever you want, but I’ll be damned if he’s going to get anywhere near you.”

“Hiring a bodyguard to watch over me day in and day out is overkill. I’m not living under the shadow of this threat for the rest of my life. I can’t live like that. I
have
lived like that, and I can’t do it anymore.”

“What about last night? I’ve never seen you like that. You were completely inconsolable.” His hands fisted on the counter. “I couldn’t even touch you.”

“It’s not usually that bad.” Months had passed since I’d had that same nightmare. Being in close contact with Mark had made the memory new again, the wound fresh. I shivered at the thought of it, toying with the food on my plate. My appetite had disappeared, replaced by a knot in my stomach created by the truth in Blake’s words. I would need to wrap my head around the fear Mark had planted, and I hadn’t quite figured out how I was going to handle that yet. But I was pretty sure that employing a full-time bodyguard wasn’t the way to go.

“If we do this, he wins. Can you at least try to understand that?”

“I think he wins if he figures out a way to get you alone again. Tell me that isn’t something that worries you.”

I winced at the thought. “I was an easy target before. Christ, I was almost unconscious. He’s just trying to scare me now, and I’m sure that’s what he’s getting off on. Between you and Daniel, I don’t see how he could realistically come after me.” All rational reasonable thoughts, but I barely believed them.

“Well I’m going to make sure he doesn’t.”

His jaw tightened and bulged. Determination was written all over his face. I hadn’t seen that look since he imploded my business deal with Max.

“What do you have in mind?”

“You should stay home today, Erica. It was a long night. You need to rest.” His mouth was set in a tight line.

I waited for him to look at me, but he made quick work of cleaning up the mess in the kitchen.

“Stop changing the subject.”

“I’m not. You look like you’ve been to hell and back. You should take a day.”

“Thanks,” I muttered, pushing away from the table.

Disappearing into my room, I heard him call me back before I shut the door behind me. I’d wanted to resolve the distance that had come between us last night, but I was too tired and emotionally drained to fight with him now.

By the time I’d showered and dressed, Blake was gone. Uneasiness settled over me as I pulled my things together for work. He wasn’t going to let this go. Nothing would sway him when he’d set his mind to something. When it came to my safety, he wasn’t going to leave anything to chance.

I cursed myself for falling apart last night, but the thought of having to go through it alone, like I had so many times before, seemed far worse. I’d become used to being vulnerable around Blake, showing him my scars, my past. When I did, he didn’t judge me, and somehow that gave the pain less power over me.

I had grabbed my keys and my bag and was heading toward the door, when Sid walked in. He looked as haggard as I likely did, pale despite his dark coloring with tired circles under his eyes.

“You’re just getting in?”

“Yeah.” He rubbed his neck and dropped his bag on the floor. “All-nighter keeping the site up. Great fun.”

“Is everything okay?”

“It’s fine for now. Chris is taking over until I can get some rest.”

“I’m sorry, Sid. I’m going to take care of this. I swear it.”

He shrugged, looking too exhausted to put stock in my words, and shuffled back to his room.

*

I made a beeline for my office, not bothering with hellos. Risa didn’t take the hint and peeked around the partition, looking bright-eyed and perfectly put together as usual. I didn’t have the energy to deal with anyone’s issues or questions right now, but before I could tell her to give me a minute, she sat down in a chair facing my desk.

“I have big news.” She grinned, her black shoulder-length hair framing her face.