Have a New Husband by Friday (21 page)

While I was waiting in line with all the other chumps, I noticed a couple of bowls of salsa on a table. The chips were just laid out on the table—not on a tablecloth, not in bags, just dumped out on the table by the salsa. I thought,
Oh, Mrs. Uppington wouldn’t like this
, and started chuckling.

Last Sunday night was the ladies’ night at the church. The brochure that came three weeks in advance announced that it would be “a time for you to get away from the busyness of the holiday season and have time for yourself, away from the stresses and cares of life.”

After the church service on Sunday, I—along with the other men in the church—was handed a note:

Hey, it’s a surprise. We’re going to serve the women dinner at their ladies’ night tonight. Wear a white shirt and tie and meet in the Promiseland (kids) section at 5:00.

I thought,
Hey, I can do that—show up and serve dinner.
But I didn’t own a white shirt. So I wore a blue shirt with a red tie and looked as nice as I could.

That night I arrived promptly at 5:00 as ordered, and we guys walked over together to where the ladies were having their dinner.

When I saw how the place was decorated, I couldn’t help but smirk a little. Guess who had decorated? Mrs. Uppington herself. I had to admit, the whole atmosphere was wonderful.

When I strolled in, tray in hand, I heard applause from table 9. My wife and three of our daughters were
there, grinning ear to ear at seeing me dressed up and serving dinner in my blue shirt and red tie (mind you, all the other guys did wear white shirts). I mumbled to myself all evening, "Serve from the left, pick up from the right." Thankfully I didn't stumble, fall, or make a fool out of myself.

At the end of the evening, the women sold the lovely centerpieces that my wife had worked on forever. Contrast that with the chips dumped out on the table at the men’s night.

I don’t want to change genders. I enjoy watching football and belching after eating pizza. I’m the man I want to be.

You can spend a lifetime trying to make your man into something he’s not. Or you can let him be the man he is. I don’t want to change genders. I enjoy watching football and belching after eating pizza. I’m the man I want to be.

Your husband wants to be your champion. He wants to know he’s appreciated for bringing home the bacon—or the Northern pike. So you don’t like fishing. Your idea of a fish is a salmon, lightly grilled, in a fine restaurant with at least three forks. But you know your guy loves fishing. Could you find a fishing lodge your husband would love to go to that has a nice fireplace, where the two of you could snuggle up together? Sure, he could take his buddies, but with all due respect to them, you’re the one he’d rather have along.

If you gave me a choice of hanging out with the guys or going someplace with my wife, I’d take my honey any day.

Having a new husband by Friday isn’t rocket science. What you put into something is what you tend to get out of it. You and your husband bought that flat-screen TV, which doesn’t do a lot for your marriage, does it? So why not spend some time and money to invest in each other?

What You’ve Said about Your Guy

The little things I love:

“My husband never looks so sexy to me as when he crawls out, his hair sticking up all over the place, from the tent in the living room that he set up to have a daddy-son night with our 5-year-old twins.”

“My husband makes fresh-squeezed OJ every Saturday morning and brings it to me in bed, just because he knows I love it. It makes me feel so loved. Move over, Leonardo DiCaprio, you don’t have anything on my man.”

“I love it when my husband plays board games with the kids and gives me a breather on Friday nights.”

He’s Not Your Girlfriend—but He
Is Your One and Only

I’ll say it straightforwardly again. He’s your husband, not your girlfriend. Can you let him be male? That was the gender you agreed to marry, right?

You’re not going to find your husband wiping tears as he tells you about a situation at work. He’s not going to open himself up completely. He’s going to tell you a little at a time and test your response. For instance, it took me eight days to tell Sande about a urological problem I was having because I knew she’d worry. As her protector, I didn’t want that to happen. So I didn’t tell her until the doctor visit was over and we already had a solution.

Remember that you have a lot of girlfriends, but he doesn't have anyone. Just you. And sometimes your kids get
in the way of your intimacy (just as they do for couples across the planet). You're too pooped to whoop or have anything remotely resembling an intimate moment.

So what do you do? You can ignore your guy’s needs. You can exploit his needs and manipulate him to do something for you later that night. (Both will end up with the same disastrous result over a period of time.) Or you can come up with a creative plan that will satisfy both of you.

Your husband isn't your girlfriend, so he doesn't want the blow by-blow about your day. But he does need to know that he's your man. That he's a priority in your life. So if you're talking to your husband and your children interrupt you, say sternly, "You need to wait. I'm talking to your father." They'll get the message. Those little whippersnappers aren't dumb.
Oh, I get it. Dad's the number one guy around here.
Even if you were interrupted that time, you've set the record straight on who comes first. Your husband will see that, and he'll know that not only do you say he's your champion, you act on it. He needs to know that you're in his corner.

What to Do on Friday

1. Think back to your own childhood. How did your dad treat your mom? How did your mom treat your dad? How did your dad treat you? How have those early experiences influenced the way you interact with your husband?

2. Choose to act differently. Believe that you will see results.

3. Tell your husband you’re glad you married him. That he’s your man.

4. Treat him as your hero, and he’ll act like it.

What’s in It for You?

I did a survey a few months back in one of my “Mother Stress” programs. I asked the group of women what the top three stressors in their life were, and they all agreed, in this order:

Kids

Time (the lack thereof)

Husband

Notice that in the top three you didn’t see work, household chores, or finances? Now isn’t that interesting—especially when those are things that we all have to do?

Think about it for a moment. If you win the cooperation of your husband, who better to help with those three stressors?

Kids—Who can help juggle all you have to do with them?

Time—Who can help get done what you can’t get done, even if you’re the multitasking wonder of the universe?

Husband—Ah, now that’s the subject of this book. If you do just a little, you’ll get a new husband by Friday, and he’ll help you get everything else done. He’ll be your hero who will knock down brick walls for you with his bare hands.

There’s the kind of stress that happens when you slam on the brakes in traffic and almost hit a car. Adrenaline rushes through your body, and your heart feels like it’s in your throat. But miraculously, within 20 minutes your body goes back to normal. Everyone has stress like that, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

But there’s another kind of stress that’s prolonged and just doesn’t go away. It’s the stress of being Velcro Woman—the woman everything and everyone sticks to. No matter how hard you try to shake it, it never goes away. It’s the kids, the lack of time, and the annoying husband that can put you over the edge. It’s like going to the mall to shop all day and leaving the lights on in your car, and when you come out nine hours later, the car won’t start; the battery is exhausted. Ever read news accounts about actresses collapsing on stage? They end up being hospitalized for exhaustion.

And you wonder why you’re intimidating to men.

That doesn't have to be you. Win the cooperation of your husband, your helpmate, and you get instant relief from the three top stressors in your life. He'll take time off work to see his daughter perform her first piano solo. He'll volunteer to drive the bus with 14
preschoolers to a local supermarket for a field trip. He may not do it like you would, but he'll get the job done. And the preschoolers don't know the
difference between store-bought and homemade chocolate chip cookies for their snack anyway.

Something to Think About

Tell your husband, today and every day, one thing you appreciate about him. Touch him as you say it, and the message will get through loud and clear.

Keep in mind that there are women out there who would give anything to have a real man. So do everything you can to keep your man, to encourage him, and to make him feel respected, needed, and fulfilled.

Having a new husband by Friday is all about perception. When I was a little boy, I distinctly remember telling my mother that when she made a sandwich for me, it tasted better than when I made it for myself. There’s no way that sandwich could have tasted better—it was a PB and J on white bread—but in my mind it did, because she made it just for me. She also made tomato soup and put a little butter on top. It would spread out and add a great flavor. Tomato soup with butter is still one of my favorites today.

You see, our perception of things makes a difference. A 31-year-old woman I know admirably juggles three small children. She also routinely runs everything by her husband.

“What?” you might be saying. “Can’t this woman make any decisions on her own? Is she one of those women who always sign checks ‘Mrs. William J. Jones’ instead of ‘Sally Jones’? Like she doesn’t have any identity separate from her husband?”

Frankly, I wondered the same thing. But as I watched that young couple interact, I was pleasantly surprised. The way both husband and wife submitted to each other was beautiful to watch. When the wife ran things by her husband, she was doing so out of respect—not because she had to. She didn’t want him to be surprised or to hear about something thirdhand that affected her or their life as a family. The husband, on his part, was constantly doing all kinds of things to please and serve his wife—and got great joy out of doing so.

Your knight will polish up his armor for you if you give him the least bit of encouragement. He longs to be your hero. The little boy in him wants you to be happy with him, proud of him.

So he’s not perfect. You’re not perfect. Life’s not perfect. But why not enjoy the gift you have in that husband of yours?

Women Talk

As a senior VP of a bank, I supervise 36 employees, attend regional meetings all over the Southeastern US, and have done very well in my career. I made great money and had everything the world said was important, but inside I was dying because I was a lonely person who lacked direction. I avoided any confrontation in my marriage because I knew I wasn’t successful in that arena. So I poured all my energy into my work.

There were many nights when my husband simply fended for himself. Why he stayed with me for over 12 years is beyond me, but he did. And now I’ve finally made the big decision—I’m 37 years old—that I want to have a family. I’ve already begun to put things in motion to quit working and stay home . . . if I get pregnant.

You spoke in May at the regional in-service for our bank. I became haunted with the truth that one of the ways I protected myself from getting hurt by any man was to keep my husband at arm’s length and to hide behind my success, busyness, and prowess in the banking business. But my success in business did nothing for my soul. And here I had this sweet soul mate who didn’t have a soul to share with.

I told my husband the truth and apologized for hurting him. Step by step, I’ve begun to honor him—at last!—in our marriage. I finally understand why people say that marriage is great. I could never say that before. I had to humble myself before my husband and begin to think “us” instead of “me.” I did the few basic things you suggested, and I no longer fear my marriage will come to an end. I not only have a new husband, I’m a new wife.

Jana, New York

Give Yourself a Shot

I flew in to speak in Elmira, New York, got to the hotel, and unpacked my bags. Before I left for my meeting, I dug around for the little bottle of Scope in my briefcase. Guess what else I found? A note from my wife, who was flying in a bit later to meet me and drive to Michigan. Now, remember that we’ve been married forever, okay? Here’s what the note said:

Hi, sweetie. I know you’re going to do a great job. I can’t wait to see you on Wednesday. We’re going to have so much FUN [she’d put a squiggly line under “FUN”].

I know what that means in Baptist-ese. Sande, because of her conservative nature, will never write anything too explicitly. But she took the time to put a note in my briefcase.

If you want an insurance policy for a husband who travels, tuck in a funny card or a love note. Caring goes a long way. Maybe Hallmark got it right after all: “When you care enough to send the very best.”

Caring takes work. But anything that’s worth it takes some work.

Caring ought to be fun work. I can testify to that, having been married for over 40 years—all in a row to the same woman. Sande and I have always put a priority on each other as husband and wife first, then on our children as our second priority in terms of people on this earth.

What do you want to invest in? In your dying breath, I hope you won’t be asking the question, “Why am I dying?” If you do, you’re in trouble. You should be asking, “Why did I live the life I did?” If you’ve lived the life you wanted to, and you know the port of call where you’re going, you’ll have no worries.