Have a New Kid by Friday (23 page)

However, bedrooms ought to be cleaned at least twice a week so they don’t start smelling like locker rooms and looking like the local dump. That means anything that’s been thrown on the floor gets picked up and deposited where it should go, includingfood wrappers, clothes, and possessions that have been borrowed from a sibling. For a parent to expect pickup twice a week is entirely reasonable.

Parents should decide which two days of the week are cleanup days. And children need to be clear on the definition of what “clean” is. That way, when Mom or Dad walks into the room, it’s also clear to the child whether the room is presentable or not. If the child hasn’t done a good job and doesn’t seem to be willing to do round 2 (if he even attempted round 1), you can assign someone else to complete the cleanup (a sibling, a neighbor . . .) and take the cost out of your child’s next allowance.

After all, isn’t that what life is like? You pay for things others do for you? Why shouldn’t cleaning your child’s room be the same way?

Paying someone else to do a job that your child failed to complete and taking the pay out of his allowance is a good way to teach him responsibility. Not to mention that most children would be more than annoyed to find out that a sister, brother, or neighbor was in their space, going through their stuff.

Misuse of TV or Video Games

“My son lives in two worlds—school and video games. He’s in one or the other, but never anywhere else. Is this normal, or am I just being picky? Other than that, he’s a good kid.”

“My daughter is hooked on all the nighttime TV shows. Sometimes she doesn’t start homework until nearly midnight because she’s caught up in them.”

Let’s be honest. A lot of us watch too much TV. When there was a
Mayberry
marathon, I watched 2 hours of episodes, even though I knew every word since I’ve seen them all over and over and over. I knew every word since I’ve seen them all over (Now that’s stupid, but I still did it. It’s a great show, but watching that much was a waste of my time.) Worse, there are so many tasteless things on TV. Downright disgusting, in fact. No good for anyone.

So why do we allow our children to watch so much TV? Simply said, TV, movies, andvideo games have become babysitters for a lot of parents. Stick the kids in front of a show and Mom can do dishes and straighten up the kitchen in peace. Dad can get a couple extra hours of work in. If you have a 2-year-old and a portable TV and DVD player, why not take it to the restaurant and let the child watch a movie so you can have a quiet and peaceful dinner? What’s wrong with letting a kid sit there, immersed in a DVD or a video game? At least they’re quiet!

Using TV, movies, and video games to babysit is functional and very tempting. But is it healthy for children? To stare at an electronic device hour after hour instead of interacting with parents and siblings? Probably not.

There’s nothing wrong with TV, movies, and DVDs, if used sparingly and screened for objectionable material and age-appropriateness for children. Some programs, like
National Geographic
and
Kiddy Planet
, are educational. The problem is that most parents don’t set reasonable limits for the use of these items. Why not ask your child what a reasonable limit is? Interestingly, children usually give stricter limits, when asked, than adults do. If they help to come up with a reasonable limit, they’ll be more likely to follow their own rules—and you won’t have to be the watchdog.

One last note: do not allow children to have a TV in their bedroom. TVs should be in a central room in the house, where anyone walking by can see what is on the screen. Putting a TV in a child’s bedroom, especially if you have cable service in your home, is just asking for trouble. Would you ever allow your child to walk down the sleaziest street in your local city? Then why allow your child access to all the sleaze that comes through cable and late-night television? You have a responsibility to protect your child’s mind.

Musical Influences

We all have our likes and dislikes when it comes to music. Chances are good that you don’t like your child’s music. (Hey, did your parents like what you listened to? Does your child like listening to the Eagles or U2? Point made.) But do you really gain anything by putting yourself in direct opposition to your child over music? Your child’s musical tastes will change rapidly. The group you can’t stand that’s hot now will, within 6 months, most likely be pushed aside in her repertoire for the next popular group (which you probably won’t like either).

You don’t have to like your child’s music. But you can always find something good about it—you might as well, since you’ll be surrounded by it, especially during your child’s teenage years.

“Great beat.”

“What’s the name of that song?”

“Who’s performing that?”

At age 15, my daughter Lauren can fly like a mad woodpecker from one radio station to another in the car. “Oh,” she coos, “I love that song. It’s my favorite song,” and then we’re flipping through four more stations to find her other favorites.

Why not have fun with your child’s music? Get to know her world?

But there’s also a place to draw the line, and that’s at the lyrics. Some lyrics are downright repulsive, vicious, and demeaning to ethnicities, men, and women. If your child is listening to such lyrics, it’s time to throw up the red flag. “Honey, let’s stop a minute. I want to hear those lyrics better. Would you mind turning that up? Do you hear what they’re saying? Do you agree with that?” Eminem comes to mind, with his violent lyrics about a young man dreaming about slashing his father’s throat. What parent in his right mind wants his child to go to sleep with that image in her brain? There’s no way you should pay money for that CD or allow your child to listen to it.

You may not like the music, but it’s the lyrics that count. So listen carefully.

Music Lessons

“My daughter was so sure she wanted to play the clarinet. So we bought her a clarinet for sixth grade band. Then, about 2 weeks into it, when all we’d heard were squawks, she stopped practicing.

She said she didn’t want to play the clarinet anymore. And we’d spent all that money. . . .”

“Rob is 12. He plays the piano beautifully and has played for 6 years. But lately his practicing has been in a slump. When I asked him about it, he said, ‘Mom, it’s not cool to play the piano anymore.’ But I hate to see all his talent go to waste. How can I encourage him to keep it up?”

Any music lesson has to be contracted in minimum bites of a semester. In other words, it’s not fair for your child to say she wants to try something, then quit 2 weeks into it when things aren’t as easy as they seem. Every music teacher I’ve talked to says you need at least 4 to 6 months to begin to understand an instrument (and for it to not sound like something from a horror movie). But today’s instant-breakfast, microwave kids want things to happen quickly and automatically. They get discouraged when they don’t (and, you have to admit, so do you).

But if you want to teach your kids diligence, insist that they stick out their lessons for at least a semester, no matter how much they hate it (this is true with sports too, by the way). If you start to feel sorry for your child, keep in mind that she is the one who said she wanted those lessons. If you were the one who insisted on the child getting lessons, the same principle of sticking it out for a semester holds true. You just have to battle the guilt and disappointment that all parents have when they discover that little Buford is not going to become Franz Liszt.

What about the child who really has talent, who has taken 4 years of violin and wants to quit? To that child I would say, “Listen, honey, I understand what you’re saying. But I’ve talked to your teacher, and she says you really have a gift for playing the violin. She says what you’re doing at this stage of your life on that instrument is highly unusual. We’ve invested 4 years in this instrument and all your lessons, and we’re not going to quit now. You deserve more. Your talents deserve to be fine-tuned. So we’re going to continue your lessons until the end of the school year, then review all this again.”

Waiting until the end of the year gives you a chance to investigate getting your child involved in some group of like-minded students (i.e., a Suzuki group, a jazz ensemble for piano, a local youth orchestra) to see if having friends who like doing the same thing will help extend your child’s interest.

Many children who are talented decide, between ages 10 and 13, that they no longer want to pursue their instrument. Often the reason is because their friends aren’t interested. Ashley had played flute for 7 years. She had won multiple awards for solo work through state music festivals. But when she turned 13, all her friends started getting interested in soccer. Going to support Ashley in concerts by listening to her play songs by Handel and Bach wasn’t big on their priority scale anymore. Her practice hours started to dwindle, and finally she told her dad she wanted to quit.

Ashley had a wise father. He encouraged her to hang in there, attended all of her events, and came up with special father/daughter surprises after every performance. Behind the scenes, he did a lot of research on music opportunities for flutists. That summer, instead of quitting, Ashley got involved with a new jazz group—all junior and senior high students—in a nearby town. They played at a lot of summer festivals, and Ashley’s interest in music expanded. At the last performance of the summer, the group played an unusual piece of music, featuring Ashley as the soloist. It was a piece that Ashley had written herself, then adapted for the other jazz musicians who played with her.

Guess who had the biggest smile and clapped the loudest in the crowd? Ashley’s dad.

MySpace.com/IM-ing

Every teen on the planet loves IM-ing, if given the chance. It’s instant contact with a friend. And MySpace.com is built to attract kids. To give them a forum to talk about what they love, what bugs them, how rotten their parents are, etc. Since these things are a fact of life, check them out for yourself. Sign up on MySpace.com as a member. It’s a great way to quietly get access to your child’s friends and to look at what they post. My son-in-law Dennis, a middle school principal, was amazed at what he found. He looked for children who were sixth graders, keyed in their names, and was stunned how many times the children used their real name (a no-no in computer land).

Looking at the topics posted and what kids say is an eye-opener for any parent. If you want to enter your child’s world, MySpace.com gives you such a window. And chances are, you won’t like it. But it will give you a gritty look at what your child is up against every day she’s at school.