Having Her: Lies We Tell, Book 2 (19 page)

“No, Vin.” Kara shut the door and held her hand up. “That’s not why I’m here.”

He stopped. Because she wasn’t wearing the long black coat she normally wore when she came to his office for a little bit of master/slave play. Instead she was in jeans, black skinnies and Docs. A bright pink T-shirt in sugary counterpoint to all the black. And her face was dead white. She didn’t have any contacts in at all and behind the lenses of her glasses her eyes were brown, huge and dark, shadowed with something that looked a hell of a lot like fear.

Something was wrong, that much was obvious. Very wrong indeed.

“What’s up?” he asked sharply.

Her throat moved, her gaze sliding away from his. “I need to tell you something.”

“What?”

Kara’s hands clenched at her sides, T-shirt pulling tight across her full breasts as she took a breath. She looked almost ill. Her mouth moved but nothing came out.

“Kara?”

She took another breath, leaning against the door as if she needed it for support. “I just…gimme a minute…”

He took a step toward her, an unexpected strand of anxiety twisting inside him. “Are you sick?”

“Uh…not really.”

But she damn well looked sick.

“Sit down, Kara.”

“No, it’s okay I can—”

“Christ’s sake, sit down before you fall down.” Taking her by the arm, he gently steered her toward his chair.

She made only a cursory attempt to pull away which in itself was reason enough to worry.

As she sat, Vin leaned back against the edge of his desk, looking down at her.

She had her hands clasped tightly in her lap, long golden hair in a riot around her shoulders. There were still a few hints of blue to it, but most of the tint had almost gone, leaving her with her natural color. Streaks of caramel and toffee, lighter gilt and deeper gold. It was beautiful, like he’d known it would be.

He wanted to put his hands in it, wrap it around his wrists as she went down on him.

Fuck’s sake. Get your head out of the gutter. This isn’t the time.

No, it so wasn’t. Not when her knuckles were white as they rested in her lap.

“Kara,” he said. “What’s wrong?”

For the longest moment she didn’t say anything, her head bent, like she was praying or something. Then suddenly she lifted her head and her dark eyes met his. “I’m pregnant.”

At first the words didn’t make any kind of sense. “What?”

“Please don’t make me say it again.”

But he still couldn’t seem to work it out. “You’re pregnant?” he repeated stupidly.

“Yes.” Her voice was clear and cold, as fragile as a shard of glass. “And if you ask me who the father is, I’ll cut your throat out with a spoon.”

The edge of the desk dug into him and he could feel the sun coming through the windows on his back. A false sense of warmth and comfort.

Pregnant. Kara was pregnant. And he knew for a fact the only person she’d been with had been him which meant that…

“Fuck,” he said as realization began to hit, the world tilting on its axis. “Oh fuck.”

Kara gave a short, mirthless laugh. “Yeah, you could say that.”

Shock began to move through him. Like he was standing in an icy lake in bare feet, the cold creeping slowly up through his legs. He had to grip the edge of the desk for support. “But how the hell did that happen?”

“How? Oh the fucking Archangel Gabriel descended and told me that lo! I would bear a child.” The cold edge to her voice shattered. “How do you think, Vin?”

His thoughts wouldn’t work, shock freezing them solid. “But we used a condom. Every single time. And you’re on the pill—”

“I didn’t start on the pill until last week. And condoms aren’t failsafe.”

No. Of course they weren’t. But he’d never had any trouble with them before.

You never think it’ll happen to you…

Vin pushed himself away from his desk, needing to move. Needing to get away from her. As if doing so would lessen the shock. Make it less real. Less so completely not what he wanted.

Jesus. Ellie was just on the point of leaving. His last responsibility apart from Lillian, gone. And he had all these plans. For the business. For himself. He’d been going to spend time on study, on turning Fox Chase into a totally green construction company. On building the house he’d been planning for years. On finally having a goddamn life for a change.

But this news… This would change everything.

He realized he was standing in front of the office windows, looking out over the harbor. Watching the boats sail away.

You thought after Ellie left you’d be free. You fucking idiot.

Because he was never free. Always there was something else that life kept piling on top of him. Always there was shit he had to deal with.

Anger smoldered to life inside his gut. A slow burning, deep rage at the injustice of it all.

He’d spent his whole goddamned existence looking after people, being responsible for people, putting his life on hold in order to make sure other people were okay. Putting himself second.

And now he would have to do so again.

It was like watching that house he’d built with his own hands catch fire and burn to the ground. All the dreams he had for the future, all the work he’d put into finally being free, to finally have a life that was his and not lived for someone else…

Gone.

Because he couldn’t walk away from his responsibilities. He’d never been able to. To do so would make him as big an asshole as his father had been.

“Say something, Vin.”

He turned from the window.

Kara was on her feet, staring at him. White-faced.

“What the fuck do you want me to say?” he ground out.

“I don’t know. Anything.”

“That I’m thrilled? That I’m ecstatic? That I want to marry you and settle down to have two point five kids in a house with a white picket fence and a fucking dog!” His voice had risen.

“No, of course not!” A flash of something terribly vulnerable crossed her face. “I don’t expect anything.”

Of course she wouldn’t. She’d never accept any help from him.

Perversely that made the anger inside him flare, a brushfire out of control and burning anything that got in its way.

“Then why the fuck did you tell me?”

“Because you’re the father, Vin! I thought you’d want to know.”

He took a step toward her. “No. I don’t want to know. This is the last thing on earth I wanted, Kara. The last fucking thing!”

“Don’t you dare shout at me. It’s not like I wanted this either!” Raw anguish glittered in her gaze. “This isn’t my fault!”

A thick, tense silence fell.

He struggled to contain the rage. Failed. “We should never have done this. We should never have slept together in the first place. I knew it was a mistake. I fucking knew it!”

She blinked. “A mistake?” An expression he couldn’t read crossed her face. “Yeah. Yeah, you’re right. It was a mistake.”

He’d hurt her. Christ, he was a prick. “Kara,” he began.

“No,” she said shortly, cutting him off. “Don’t say anything else, Vin. I know where you stand. But don’t worry, I won’t be asking you for anything. At all.”

“Kara, wait.”

But she didn’t. She crossed the office, flung open the door and went out before he could move.

Vin didn’t follow. He didn’t want to be around her while he was like this.

He needed to chill out, settle down before they decided what they were going to do. And shit, having someone to talk this out with before that happened would be good too.

Hunter. He needed to find Hunter.

Kara left Vin’s office and headed straight back to the café. Given the fury burning inside her, probably going home would have been better but then she’d have nothing to do but think.

Think about the complete fucking mess she’d made of her life.

But then this wouldn’t be the first time she’d screwed up. Oh no. She’d done it before and many, many times since.

The café was crowded when she got there and she was able to push reality aside as she went about making coffees and heating muffins. Making smoothies and getting Tom to troubleshoot a couple of people having technical difficulties.

Easy, this stuff. Things she’d done a thousand times before.

She put her mind on autopilot, buried the anger and the gut-wrenching fear. The horrible déjà vu this whole thing had brought back. Especially seeing Vin’s face as she’d told him. The anger he hadn’t been able to hide. The knowledge that hers wasn’t the only life this had ruined.

But she couldn’t think of that now. She couldn’t. She’d fall apart right here and that was not allowed. Falling apart wasn’t ever allowed again.

The rest of the day was a blur. When the time came to close up she dawdled over it, chatting mindlessly to Tom until he made noises about having a bus to catch and that he’d be late if he didn’t leave now.

Eventually she found herself having to make her way home, the city streets full of people doing the same thing. Returning to their lives after a hard day at work. All of them with homes to go to, friends to catch up with. Lovers to embrace. Wives or husbands to talk about the day with.

But she didn’t. She didn’t have anyone. And she’d never felt so alone. Even the day the social workers had told her she’d be going to a different home than her brother and sister, she hadn’t felt this isolated.

She desperately wanted to talk to Ellie but fear stopped her from making the call. Her friend had been really preoccupied the past couple of days, something obviously going down with Hunter, and Kara didn’t want to disturb the delicate balance with her own crap. And anyway, what would her friend say about the fact that Kara had been sleeping with Vin? That she was potentially going to be an aunt?

Nausea shifted in Kara’s gut as she let herself into her apartment. Dumping her bag on the counter in the kitchen, she went over to the fridge and pulled it open, staring blankly inside, not really knowing what she wanted since she wasn’t even hungry. There was a half drunk bottle of wine on a shelf next to the milk and she’d already reached for it before she remembered.

Pregnant. Alcohol was a no-no.

Only if you want to keep your baby.

She dropped her hand from the wine, closed the fridge door and leaned her forehead against the cold metal, closing her eyes.

A wave of raw grief went through her. How the hell could she keep the baby? She had a business that was struggling, a shitty little apartment that she didn’t own, a straight-out weird sexual relationship with the father, no family to speak of. Insane to bring a child into a life like this, especially when she couldn’t support it.

It would be like repeating her mother’s life all over again. She’d have to do what her mother had done, work three jobs just to survive. Leave the kids home alone for days at a time because she had no one to look after them. Hoping like hell they’d be okay. Then taking refuge in the bottle because it was the cheapest way to escape reality.

That was no life for her. It was no life for her child.

Her throat closed, something burning behind her eyes. But it couldn’t be tears because she never cried. She’d lost the ability the day she and her brother and sister were taken away from their mother by social services. Or rather, she’d decided she hadn’t earned the right to cry since it was her fault their family had been broken up in the first place.

Stupid, overdramatic kid that she’d been.

Forcing down the old anguish, Kara pushed away from the fridge. The nausea was still there. Shit, she needed to eat something. Nausea was not conducive to making decisions. And decisions clearly needed to made. Steps needed to be taken.

“I knew it was a mistake.”

Jesus, that was an extra pain she didn’t need. Vin’s words had hurt. Hurt far more than they should have. Because what they shared together didn’t feel like a mistake. Being with him felt so good. A chance to step outside herself. Be someone else. Not Kara Sinclair, weird owner of a failing Internet café and not particularly good aspiring manga artist.

And now she wasn’t even that. Now she would be Kara Sinclair, solo mother.

Panic closed a fist around her throat. She struggled to take a breath.

Turning around, she strode to the counter and pulled her bag off the stained Formica. Digging around inside it, she grabbed her phone.

He would say no. He would. Especially now. But she knew she had to ask.

One night with her master. That’s all she wanted. Just one last night where she could be free of herself. Free of having to be Kara and be the slave instead.

Vin’s hand shook as he pulled open the Corvette’s door. There was blood on his knuckles. Hunter’s blood. And in the garage behind him only silence. But he didn’t turn.

He didn’t want to see his best friend—the one he’d just beaten the crap out of—lying there in a pool of his own blood. Or his sister dressed only in one of Hunter’s T-shirts, bending over said best friend. The friend who’d been screwing her, the fucker. His little sister. The one he’d been protecting all his life. The one he’d thought would be safe with Hunter.