Having Her: Lies We Tell, Book 2 (26 page)

You could just leave her alone.

Vin stared sightlessly at the iPad screen. No, he couldn’t. She was having his baby. And she might act all tough and independent but she was vulnerable underneath it all. She had no one else to count on except him. And if she had another episode with the razor…

He went cold at the thought.

No, she had to be with him. Here. In his house. His home.

He looked up at the building again. This thing had been in the planning stages so long. Ever since his father had told Vin to draw him a house. A house for their family to live in.

Well, he’d drawn that damn house only for his father to fuck off. But dammit now the house was real and his family
would
live in it.

If it killed him they would.

The iPad made a chiming sound. A new message. He opened the app to find a message from Kara.
Scan appointment. Tomorrow at 3pm. You want to be there?

Stupid question. Of course he wanted to be there.
Yes. Send me the details.

A second later and he had the place and the address. Another second and she’d added,
Thanks for giving me some space.

Vin snorted.
Don’t get used to it. Tomorrow we sort out what we’re doing.

She didn’t reply.

Vin hit the off button on the iPad. He’d have this, by God he would. He’d have her close, where he could see her. Look out for her and their child. Make sure they were okay.

Touch her.

But he closed that thought down. No, they weren’t going back to what they had before. He’d put his own needs first then and now they were dealing with the consequences.

There could be no more mistakes.

Chapter Thirteen

Kara fiddled with her ponytail then flicked over the page of the stupid woman’s magazine she wasn’t reading. Yet another Z-list celebrity with yet another “baby bump”. She resisted the urge to check the time on her phone again. She’d already compulsively checked it twice since she got to the clinic for her scan appointment. Probably only a few seconds had passed since the last time.

Nervousness churned in her gut, worsening the faint nausea from the morning sickness. She’d woken late this morning and had had to skip breakfast in order to get to the café on time. It’d been unusually busy too and the muffin she’d had mid-morning, followed by half a cheese panini at lunch was all she’d managed to fit in today.

Not enough. No wonder she felt ill.

Although that may have been the leftover from her conversation last night with Ellie via Skype. Where she’d finally told her friend about the baby.

Ellie’s eyes went wide. “What?”

“Do I really have to say it again?”

“Yes. Because I don’t think I quite got it the first time.”

“I’m pregnant.”

“Fucking hell! But how? I mean…aren’t you a virgin?”

The look on Ellie’s face brought a reluctant grin out of her. “Clearly not anymore.”

Ellie blinked. “Wow. I just…wow. You know you’re going to have to tell me everything now. And I mean bloody everything.”

“Actually, there’s some details you may not want.” Kara braced herself. “Considering the fact that Vin’s the father.”

Ellie’s mouth opened but nothing came out.

“I’m sorry, babe,” Kara said, rushing to get the words out. “I’m really sorry I didn’t tell you. But it just kind of happened and I totally didn’t mean to, and I know—”

“You’ve been sleeping with my brother?”

“Uh…yeah.”

Ellie bit her lip then let out a long breath. “Okay, well, I gotta be honest with you. It’s a little weird.”

“I know. That’s why I didn’t want to tell you.”

“I didn’t even know you and Vin… That you guys… I mean, I thought you didn’t like him?”

“I kind of don’t. But I kind of do, too, if that makes sense.”

“Not really, no. I’m still coming to terms with the thought of my best friend actually wanting to sleep with my brother.”

“I hate to break it to you, babe, but he’s hot.”

Ellie held up a hand. “Ew, no. Please don’t go there.”

So she hadn’t gone there. Especially not about the collar and the slave fantasy. But as she’d talked to her friend about Vin and the baby, about how he’d asked her to move in with him, a deep yearning had broken open inside her. Like a damned-up river finally being able to flow again.

That was what she wanted. What she’d desperately wanted all her life.

And yet not quite. Because in all her fantasies, the fantasies of a family she’d had as a lonely teenager, she was loved. And Vin didn’t love her. The only reason he’d offered this was for the baby’s sake.

Aim higher.

Maybe he could, with his successful company, the house he was building. The plans he’d made for himself. But she couldn’t. All she could do was draw cute cartoons and make a mean coffee. Oh and rock purple highlights like a boss. There wasn’t much else for her except the café.

You’re smart and you’re clever and you’re determined. You should want more.

Vin’s voice, the words directly confronting the feelings of worthlessness she’d always tried so desperately to hide from. He never said anything he didn’t mean. So why didn’t she believe him? Why shouldn’t she want more for herself? Like a family for a start.

Kara stared unseeing at the pages of the magazine, fear turning over inside her, making her mouth go dry. The old fears of rejection, of failing, of making yet another mistake in her life. But fuck it. This was her chance. Her chance at a normal life. A chance of having the kind of family she’d always wanted for herself. A place to belong. Okay, so he may not love her, but he did feel something for her. He wouldn’t have given her that collar, claimed her as his, if all he’d wanted was a screw. Surely?

Maybe she could move in with him. Accept that from him like she’d accepted his care that night she’d cut herself…

Abruptly Kara threw the magazine back on the waiting room table. There was no one else waiting, just her. She got up out of the chair and paced around, staring at the pictures on the walls. The stages of pregnancy. Examples of scans. Happy families.

She stopped in front of one poster of a mother holding her child. A normal looking mother in a white dress, normal hair, normal smile. Looking at her baby with such love.

Kara’s heart felt tight in her chest, the echo of pressure building. She didn’t look like that. Today she’d tried, put on some skinny jeans and a tank top. Put her hair up. Left her makeup behind. Left her contacts out. But deep inside she felt the same. Still the weirdo girl with the strange dress sense. Who didn’t fit in. Who cut herself when she got sad. Whom nobody wanted. Pretty much the antithesis of the mother in that poster.

How could she be that mother anyway? How could she give a child love when she’d never had it herself?

The poster swam in front of her eyes. Stupid fucking tears. Crying. All the time she was bloody crying. She hated it. Man, sometimes she preferred the razor. It was less painful than the tears.

“Kara?”

A deep, rough voice behind her. Vin.

She stayed where she was, staring at the poster. Not wanting him to see her tears. Or the sudden leap in her heart that she was sure must show on her face. “Look at that woman,” she said, hoping like hell her voice sounded level. “Who wears a dress like that? I mean, really.”

Warmth behind her. The familiar, spicy scent of him. And an overpowering urge gripped her. To step back into his arms. Turn and press her face against his chest. Let him hold her like he had that night. When he’d helped her ease the unbearable pressure of all those years of grief and pain.

It wasn’t a razor she wanted. Or tears. She wanted him.

Perhaps he wouldn’t ever love her. But he’d give her his strength and his support. Ease her pain. And he’d do it without question. Without hesitation. Because that’s the kind of guy he was. The kind of guy he’d always been.

When it came to giving support, he’d never reject her.

Kara didn’t think. She turned and stepped close to him. Wrapped her arms around his lean hips. Laid her forehead on the hard wall of his chest. And whispered, “I’m scared, Vin.”

He didn’t move. Didn’t step away. At first she felt him tense, then gradually he relaxed and his arms came around her. Holding her close. “I know.” His voice rumbled against her ear. “But it’ll be okay.”

A hand rested on the back of her head. She closed her eyes a moment. “I don’t know how I can do this. How I can give a kid love. I never had it when I was little. What if…what if I can’t?” Fear twisted, heavy and dark. “What if I’m too screwed up?”

Gentle fingers gripped her ponytail, pulling her head back. The look in his eyes was so sharp, focused. “You’re not screwed up, Kara. You just had a shitty childhood. But that doesn’t mean you can’t love. I had a shitty childhood too, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t love Ellie.”

And God, that shitty childhood hadn’t prevented her from falling in love with him, had it? It was a screwed up kind of love maybe, but it was love. She knew it, felt it in her heart.

“Yeah, I guess.”

“And you said you had a brother and sister. You must have loved them.”

Liam and Rose. Eating breakfast in the morning. Toast because that’s all Kara could make and bread was cheap. Brushing Rose’s hair. Wiping Liam’s face when he got butter all over it.

“It hurt when we were taken away. When we were split up.” Liam crying, Rose reaching out for her. Not for their mother. For Kara. “So I guess I did.” She hadn’t got to see them much while they were all in foster care and then, once they’d been given back to their mother, not at all…

Vin’s fingers in her hair tightened. “You know that no one will ever take your child from you, don’t you? No one will
ever
take our child?”

As if anyone would ever get past him. “I do. But actually…I think that’s not really what I’m afraid of.”

“Then what?”

The fear twisted again and she recognized it now. Saw it for what it was. “I think I’m more afraid I
will
love it. That I won’t be able to help myself.” She swallowed. “And love hurts, Vin. It hurts too much.”

“Ms. Sinclair?” The radiographer was standing beside the reception desk. “We’re ready for you now.”

Kara wiped her eyes. Pushed herself away from him. “Come on. Let’s get this over with.”

Vin tried to tell himself he wasn’t nervous. But no amount of telling himself that changed the unsteady feeling in his gut as the radiographer moved the ultrasound device over Kara’s bare stomach. On the little screen a black-and-white image showed, full of strange shapes and moving blobs. The technician made a satisfied sound. “Ah, there it is. Do you see?” She pointed to one of the blobs. It pulsed. “That’s your baby.”

The unsteady feeling became an earthquake, the world moving under his feet. Resettling itself into a new landscape. An entirely different and unfamiliar country.

That tiny thing was his baby. His child.

Kara made a soft, choked sound. He was holding her hand and her fingers tightened sharply around his. He turned his head, looked at her. Found her dark eyes on his, full of fear. Full of something else too.

Love hurts.

Yeah. It did. It was huge and terrifying and painful. The responsibility of it crushing. Not something you’d want to share with anyone because the burden of it was easier to deal with alone. That way no one could take it away from you.

He wanted to tell her it was okay, that it would be all right. But he didn’t know if it would be.

She blinked, turned her head away. Yet didn’t let go of his hand.

Afterwards they walked out of the clinic with the envelope full of pictures of the little baby-blob, the unspoken weight of what they’d created between them hanging in the air.

“We need to sort stuff out, Kara,” Vin said, halting just outside the clinic entrance. “I need to know what you want to do.”

She stopped, put her hands in her pockets. “Well, I told Ellie about it.”

“I know.” His sister had phoned him the night before and had given him a lecture, telling him if he hurt Kara, he’d have to answer to her. His little sister was proving to have a bit of a protective streak herself. “But that’s not what I’m talking about.”

“You mean the whole moving in thing?”

“Yeah.”

Kara gave him a look from over the top of her glasses. “I’ll move in with you, Vin.” A small hesitation. “But that’s not all I want.”

Well, thank fuck for that. He hadn’t realized how badly he’d wanted her to agree until now. It would be one less worry he’d have to deal with. Make the burden a little lighter. “What else do you want then?”

She stared at him, stubborn determination in her brown eyes. “You mentioned marriage. Well, I want that too.”