He Stole Her Virginity (7 page)

The Journey North:

Soul searching:

An hour and a half later they had eaten breakfast, paid their bill and were on their way back to see Kevin’s mother to collect the letter she wanted them to have in case they ever found Kevin. When she came to the door she already had the letter in her hand. She explained that she couldn’t invite them in because her husband needed attending to but she gave them her phone number and told them to keep in touch which they promised to do. She gave them both a little wave as they went and said, “
Good luck! Do your best to find him”.
With that the door closed and they left. The envelope that Emma placed in her handbag was thick and clearly held many sheets of paper. She thought about how Kevin’s mother must have spent hours the evening before composing and writing a letter that may never reach him.

On the long journey home Rachel and Emma talked more freely and openly about themselves than they had ever done before with anyone. By the time they reached the turn off to York their understanding of each other and of their own feelings had deepened significantly. To those who knew her, Rachel always appeared to be a self-assured, strong individual with everything going for her but her attractive looks, her bubbly personality and her upbeat approach to life masked a profound and growing sense of loneliness. On that journey North Rachel dropped the façade and, for the very first time in her life, talked honestly about her emotions, her fears and her loneliness. Emma felt privileged to be the person she chose to confide in.      

In their conversations about Kevin, Emma realised she had nothing new to say about him, all her memories of their time together were at least five years old and Rachel had heard them or variations of them many times before. She also realised that as time passed her memories had become a little softer around the edges and, as Rachel gently pointed out, were probably no longer a true reflection of what really took place but an affectionate adaptation of their time together which she now uses as a warm ‘comfort blanket’ to wrap herself in.

As the miles went by many things were discussed and at different points they both faced some truths about their lives that they had pushed to one side and hadn’t really wanted to consider. They both found it difficult and they both shed some tears but when it was done they felt somewhat uplifted and more at ease with themselves.

Unreal Memories:

On reaching the village Rachel dropped Emma at her house and as she drove off said she would be in touch in a couple of days. Once again Emma had a lot on her mind. The trip to St Albans and the time spent with Rachel had helped her take a step back a little from her almost constant fixation with Kevin and the things that had happened between them five or more years before. She ran a bath, sank down into the warm water and began to think about the ‘soul searching’ that she and Rachel had done on their way home. Of all the things that had taken place over those past few days she believed that would prove to be the most significant of all. Unusually, she had no desire to masturbate or even think of Kevin, her thoughts focussed only on Rachel and how her outward persona was hiding the unhappiness she felt within.  

Later on, when lying in bed, her thoughts turned to the memories she had of the times spent with Kevin and how perhaps they were no longer accurate and wondered how much she had subconsciously modified them over time to fit in with what she wanted to believe. The more she thought the more she realised that many of her earlier memories of romantic walks, bike rides, making cakes together and many other such things had faded or become blurred long ago. The only memories she still frequently recalled were those sexual ones that had seemingly given her pleasure but even those were now in doubt. Perhaps, as Rachel had suggested, they had become nothing more than fantasies that she wanted to believe in.

The months of deep depression, the sense of helplessness and the complete lack of self worth she experienced following her miscarriage had taken an immense toll on Emma. With Kevin gone and no support from her mother she became confused and unable to cope. Mentally, physically and emotionally Emma went into a rapid downward spiral and though Rachel’s intervention in early 1985 began to turn things around she had been scarred. In her mind she had put Kevin on a pedestal and was unable to see any faults in him and though she didn’t realise it, many of her memories of that time were not only selective but also fictional. She could no longer remember the hurtful things he did to her but now, with Rachel’s help and the passage of time, the veil that had been drawn over so many things that had happened between them was very slightly being lifted. As she lay there in bed she knew there were things she needed to remember but couldn’t. It felt to her rather like the times as a child when she tried to remember a dream she knew she’d had but just couldn’t grasp hold of it no matter how hard she tried
.

Back In The Village: Part 2

He stole her virginity:

Perhaps one day she will remember the truth about how she lost her virginity and how Kevin pressurised her into having more sex when she didn’t want to but for now those memories and many others remain locked away somewhere. If and when that day comes she will no doubt recognise some striking similarities in how she and her mother had been treated by their men and, like her mother, may find it difficult to trust a man again.

The reality of what happened during that time was that after nine months of heavy petting Kevin wanted to go all the way, whereas Emma did not. She was a virgin and wanted to remain that way until she felt the time was right and Kevin had always said he was happy with that. She liked his gentle touches and how so easily he brought her to orgasm but then, in May 1984, things changed. They lay on the bed together as they had often done before and started to kiss. Kevin ran his fingers down her body, lifted up her skirt and lightly rubbed her between the legs, which she liked. He slowly removed her knickers and then his underpants and as they lay on their sides facing each other, placed his erect penis between the tops of her thighs for her to squeeze against. All of this they had done before but this time after a minute or two, Kevin eased her over, moved her legs apart and delicately placed the tip of his penis on the very edge of her opening then played with her nipples. Emma was aroused, her body moved and Kevin slid himself a little way inside her but when she tried to pull away and told him to stop he kept it there. She tried to pull away again and said angrily
, “No Kevin. No we can’t. No! No!”
but it was too late, his animal passion had passed the point of no return, and with a very painful and brutal thrust he penetrated her fully for the very first time. With each powerful push that followed she gasped aloud in pain and then in a matter of seconds it was over, he had ejaculated high up inside her. She was a virgin no more and though she hated every moment of what he had done she blamed herself for letting things get out of hand. For three anxious weeks she was worried she might be pregnant and was so relieved when her period started.

Just two days after her period finished and when Emma’s mum was on one of her walks Kevin called round unexpectedly and it was clear what he wanted. He pulled a condom out of his pocket, told Emma that she didn’t have to worry about getting pregnant anymore and was all for going to bed there and then. But even before Emma could say anything there was a knock at the door; it was one of her friends from the school orchestra. The two of them had arranged to go into York to do a bit of shopping and afterwards would come back for tea.

For the next week Kevin persisted in trying to get Emma to bed but after her first unhappy experience of being penetrated by him she didn’t want to and apart from that the opportunity wasn’t there. Then she told him that as far as she was concerned there had been nothing to like about what happened. It had been painful, he hadn’t been at all gentle and he did it even when she was repeatedly saying no and trying to get him off. Kevin explained that he thought the gasps, the noises and the cries she made were because she liked it so much and that’s why he pushed even harder; he thought that’s what she wanted. He told her he thought that by ‘going all the way’ they would be cementing their love for each other and he couldn’t understand why she was against it unless she didn’t really love him. But then he said he was sorry and promised that next time he would be gentle and not hurt her.

Emma wasn’t happy with the thought of doing it again and for several days kept away from Kevin. She didn’t particularly want a ‘next time’ but after a while and some more promises she finally gave in to the mounting pressure and agreed to do it. Although the next time was different it wasn’t much better. He was a little gentler, the pain was less but he hurt her pubic bone, as he pressed hard against it. There had been virtually no foreplay to ‘get her going,’ he went at it like a steam train, she felt trapped under the weight of his body and she could hardly breathe. Then as before, it was over in next to no time. He had used her to satisfy himself and when he had finished turned on to his back and just lay there displaying his shrinking penis still capped with a half filled, crumpled and slimy condom, which was quite a revolting to sight to see.

The third and last time he did it was about two weeks later. Emma had been watching Kevin play football in a pre-season friendly and when he came off the pitch at the end of the match he was buzzing with excitement. He had scored the only goal of the game to win the match. He was still on a high about an hour later when he came out of the shower with his towel wrapped around his waist. Emma, dressed only in her black underwear was trying to decide which dress to wear for the concert she was in. Kevin took one look at her, picked her up then laid her on the bed and started kissing her breasts. He took no notice of her when she said there was no time but then she reluctantly agreed to spend a few minutes with him but after that she would have to get ready and go. He slowly removed her knickers, parted her legs and used his fingers to try and stimulate her. She opened his towel and began rubbing his penis in the way he liked then suddenly and in almost a single movement he discarded his towel, turned over and penetrated her again.
“No!”
shrieked Emma,
“You can’t. Not without a condom. Get off me,”
but he was already in and she could barely move under his weight.
“It’s all right,”
said Kevin,
“I’ll pull out before I come.”
Then in a matter of seconds he did but Emma knew by the sound he made that he had left his fist spurt of semen inside her. The rest was fired over her legs, her stomach and the bedclothes. She was angry and upset and though she didn’t know it at the time, he had made her pregnant.

Over the next few weeks and in the run up to going to university things got marginally better between them. Kevin didn’t make any sexual demands of her, instead the thoughtful and affectionate side of his nature shone through which made Emma feel a bit happier. The thing that troubled her was that she thought she might be pregnant although she never told Kevin.   

Emma had always hoped that having full sex for the very first time with the person she loved would be an event in her life she would cherish, enjoy and remember forever with fondness, instead it was one she wanted to forget. Her ‘first time’ was something that was ‘done to her’, rather than something she willingly did. The second and third times were equally distressing but somehow, following the trauma of her miscarriage, the months of depression and then her breakdown, those painful memories were removed from her conscious mind and replaced with ones she could embrace. However, after her trip to St Albans, Emma now knew there were things she needed to remember and some false memories she needed to discard. As she lay there in bed she realised it was likely that those hidden memories would at some point start to surface and begin to reach her conscious mind. For now though, she remained sheltered from them.

Finding Kevin: Part 1

The museum connection:

Two days later and as promised, Rachel came round. Emma was glad to see her and was eager to talk about what they should do next if they were serious about finding Kevin. Rachel in her usual way, had already drawn up a list of what she thought they needed to do but everything on her list from number two onwards really depended on what they found out from doing number one.

Rachel had thought long and hard about everything to do with the whole ‘Kevin issue,’ and concluded that he was probably not only living in Utrecht but also working in or in some way attached to the museum where the birthday cards had been bought. Although it was a hunch she felt fairly confident that when it came to her mother’s birthday he would buy her a card either in a shop like most people do or, if he spent a lot of time in a place that sold cards, he would buy it there. For three years he had sent a card stamped with the museum’s name and in Rachel’s mind that was good enough to try ‘number one’ on her list. She rang directory enquiries and very soon had the telephone number of the museum in front of her.