Head of the River (19 page)

Leni ruffles my hair as I look down at the table. I don't feel proud. I'm a cowardly, dirty con artist. Completely undeserving of all this attention and admiration. Everyone starts stomping their feet on the floor, like they're at a rock gig and they want an encore. I glance at Adam and he's leading the noise and clapping. I'm his science experiment gone right. He wolf-whistles between two fingers.

Thankfully Westie settles the room down and moves onto other news items.

‘In other developments, we welcome Cristian and Adam Langley back into the first boat for the duration of the camp. Your co-captain Sam Camero has also recently arrived and is settling into his room. Sam has been absent due to a family matter and I expect you'll make him feel welcome. He's still a valued member of our first eight and will be making up his missed ergo tomorrow morning first thing.'

‘He shouldn't have come,' I say, in solidarity with Leni. I still hate the guy for doing the dirty on my sister. I was right about him. He's shifty.

‘Yeah,' she agrees.

Dad shakes my hand, then pulls me into a hug.

‘Well done!' he says. ‘Amazing, Cris. I knew you could do it.'

It feels good, even if I swindled my way back into the firsts, to bask in Dad's full, golden attention. To see pride, rather than disappointment on his face.

As we shuffle out of the room towards an early night, I catch the eye of Damien Yang. One of the guys dropped from the first eight to let Adam and I back in. He has tears in his eyes.

‘Tough break, man,' I say to him. ‘I'm sorry.'

He nods, but can't speak. There couldn't be a worse feeling than being dropped at rowing camp with three months to go until the Head of the River. I feel a surge of fresh guilt, but brush it aside. Rowing's tough. You have to be tougher to survive.

Adam claps me over the shoulders as we walk towards our room. ‘Woo Hoo! Didn't I tell you we'd be back?'

I should feel like celebrating, but after the high of the ergo earlier, all I have the energy for is collapsing into my sleeping bag. I'm so exhausted. I'm usually up half the night, worrying about small stuff, blinking into the darkness, my pulse racing. I have to fire up my phone and watch podcasts until I can fall asleep again. It's hard to believe a few months ago I used to crash out all night in a warm, calm cocoon. I miss that.

‘Long way to go yet,' I say. But we both know crew shuffles are unlikely now. ‘I think we should play it down a little,' I add in a whisper. ‘Don't you think maybe I did a little too well today?'

‘Mate, you are Vasile Popescu's son, you could rip the handle off the ergo and no one would even raise an eyebrow. We are home free, Cris. Enjoy it.'

Leni

I don't hear him until he's right next to me in the dark, breathing loud enough to wake me, saying my name in a loud whisper.

‘Leni … Leni.'

I'm dragged out of a black sludge, 3 am sleep. The kind of sleep that whacks you over the head for ten hours. My body aches all over from training. When I move, it protests.

‘Are you awake?'

I sit up, confused, and blink into the pitch black, reaching out with my arm. I'm frightened and I have no idea where I am or why someone is whispering my name. Is this a nightmare? It feels real.

Slowly, I see his silhouette. Make out his body shape. He catches my hand and I snatch it away.

‘Sam? You scared me. What are you doing in here? Get out. If the coaches catch us, we'll be sent home.'

I'm still so angry with him. Anger mixed with desire. It's a confusing sensation.

I reach for the water bottle beside my bed, taking a long sip. I'm sweating inside my nylon sleeping bag and I unzip it and let my hot limbs free. Rain patters on the tin roof. My brain is in soft focus.

‘I had to talk to you,' he says.

‘Now? You could've called or texted. You've had all summer.'

‘I wanted to say I'm sorry. For not telling you about Bee.'

Bee. Her name flattens my spirits. ‘Did you think it was okay to muck around with me and not tell me you already had a girlfriend?'

‘I stuffed up. Can I lie down?'

‘No, you can't.'

‘Please? I'll just stay a minute.'

‘You hurt me. I've never done those things we did with anyone else. Didn't that Sunday at your place mean anything to you?'

Has he thought of me? I've thought of him every day of this unbearably long, slow summer.

‘Of course it meant something.
You
mean something to me Leni.'

I want to believe him, but I won't be someone's bit on the side. Not even the heart-stoppingly gorgeous Sam Camero.

‘Are you still with Bee?'

‘Not right now.'

I feel a door open. Sam is single? I'm single. Is it finally okay for us to be together? It's what I want so desperately.

‘You broke up?'

‘We're not together. She's gone overseas on a study tour.'

‘Oh. Okay.'

I let him lean into the space next to me. We lie in silence and his hand finds mine. I don't move it away, although I should. There are things I haven't yet forgotten or forgiven.

‘What are you doing?' I whisper.

‘Lying in the dark, holding hands with a beautiful girl,' says Sam. ‘I've missed you Leni. I can't stop thinking about you.'

‘Where have you been, Sam?'

We lie still and listen to Penny's heavy, measured breathing. Rachel moves in her sleeping bag and I wonder if she's awake, listening to this soapie.

Sam puts his fingers on my forehead and strokes along the hairline. I close my eyes. The feeling of his fingertips on my skin is so soothing I never want it to stop. I breathe in his smell and feel excited by his closeness.

‘My parents split up,' Sam says.

‘What happened?'

‘Dad's moved into my apartment. His apartment. He told Mum it wasn't his dream to open a yoga retreat in the middle of hippyville. He doesn't even like yoga. He's gone back to his old job. Back to wearing suits and checking the stockmarket. He said they've lost more money than he can count with her silly pipe dreams. Now someone has to be a grown-up and accept it hasn't worked out.'

‘You okay?'

‘Yeah … nah. Better now that I'm here with you.'

‘You should go back to your room,' I say, wanting him to stay with every molecule in my body.

‘Do you want me to go, Leni?'

Sam turns to face me. We're so close, it's almost an accident. Like tripping. We start kissing. Really kissing. Kissing like we're going down on the
Titanic
.

‘I want to make you feel good,' Sam says between head-spinning kisses.

Feeling good with Sam is all I can think about.

‘We can't,' I say, trying to slow things down. Think this through. ‘I don't have anything with me.'

‘I do,' Sam says, knocking down my last hurdle of resistance. ‘In my wallet. I can go get it. If you want.'

‘Okay, but not here,' I say, letting go of the edge of the railing.

Dawn creeps under the curtains and throws a block of light onto the carpet. The girls are starting to stir in their bags. The night is over. Sam is gone. I'm an undone knot. Everything that was once tight is now unravelled. I lie on my back and look at the ceiling, smiling to myself, saying Sam's name like a prayer. I reach for my phone and text Audrey. Hoping she'll text back this early. Wanting to share what happened. I'm excited, my heart still drumming. I wait a few minutes and then hear her message ping back.

No way! RUOK?

I'm OK x

How did it feel?

How did it feel?

I could only think how it
didn't
feel. It didn't feel wrong, bad or something to regret. It was quick, painless and as natural as breathing. And in the hazy aftermath, the build-up, the waiting, the importance seemed all at once, inconsequential. I wasn't a virgin anymore and that was that.

Good I think

I want gory details
.

Later
.

PS: Who was it?

Sam.

:-o

All the details Audrey wants are fading. My strongest memory is how it felt when Sam held me afterwards. Closer than I have ever been held in my life. Skin to skin. Almost breathing for each other.

The day feels too bright and loud. I want to go back to Sam and I in the dark. Where I can say anything. Be the girl that lets go. I look for Sam at breakfast, before I remember he's making up his erg trial. I should be disappointed but I'm relieved. It gives me a few more hours to swim lazy laps in the memories of last night. To wonder how and when we will make our togetherness official.

I wander dreamily down to the water with an armful of oars. Take my place as usual at the seven seat. It's our last session today. This afternoon we will pack up and take the bus back to the city. I'll be leaving a part of myself here on this beautiful river. The part that holds on too tight.

‘Leni, move up a seat,' Laura says as we put hands on the boat. ‘I'm chucking you back in stroke for this last session. Don't get too excited. It's not necessarily permanent. I want to try you up front with Rachel behind. I think you two have some special chemistry going and I don't want to split you up.'

‘Okay, thanks,' I say, stunned. She hadn't given me any hint she was going to try me back in stroke. She leans into my ear. ‘Forget your erg. We all know how fit you are, but turn your head off, mate. Don't overthink it. Listen to the water, feel the other girls behind you. Don't go at it like a bull at a gate. What do I always tell you?'

‘Have fun.'

‘Exactly.'

The river is wearing a coat of mist, gum trees reflected silver on the glassy surface. I look over Aiko's hat at the boat slicing through the water, rudder leaving behind a straight ribbon of disturbance and tight, swirling eddies from the push of our blades. My arms swing loosely over my knees and the water seems to find the tip of my blade, with just a tiny lift of my knuckles. It's still cool out, and after all the rain, the river smells freshly washed.

The boat sits level, no one tipping it out of balance. Rachel gives me gentle encouragement to push up the rating. She's like a strong pair of hands, a boosting me up to a high window to see the view. There's no nitpicking, mindless chatter or laughing. We're all in the zone. One crew, not a gaggle of individual girls. I resist ripping my blade through the water. Thinking of Laura's words.
Feel the girls behind you. Turn your head off.

I let my mind go clear and listen to the bubbles popping alongside and eight blades dropping gently into the catch together. Thoughts of last night rush past with the river water – downstream and then gone. Instead of charging the slide, I roll up slowly, pulling my oar through the water with a slow rev of muscle and energy.

Nothing hurts, there's no strain. Even when we bring it up to a hard pace, I can't seem to find the aggression and anger that I usually feel in the boat. All I have to give today is quiet determination and purpose. When Laura calls for a light, easy piece to cool down I dial back the intensity and glide through the strokes calmly, thinking about my technique, and not worrying that we're missing out on hard pieces and wasting time.

As we pull into the staging, a sweat on my back, and a big hairy monkey off it, I can honestly say I've never had a row like it. For the first time ever, we feel like a winning crew.

‘How good was that?' says Rachel as we wash and wrap our oars in bubble-wrap and load them onto the trailer.

‘Pretty bloody fantastic,' I say, grinning. ‘You're not upset about being taken out of stroke?'

‘I'm better at follow-the-leader. Besides, you absolutely rocked it out there.' She pauses, narrows her eyes. Does she know? ‘You seem different today, Leni. I can't put my finger on it.'