Heal Me (A Touched Trilogy Book 2) (13 page)

He moved a bit more and I responded by moving as well, both actions bringing us closer. He looked at me, catching me staring. I didn’t bother to hide it. I suddenly wanted him to know. I wanted to take the chance that maybe I wasn’t the only one feeling like there was more between us.

I leaned over and brushed his lips with mine, so soft that I almost didn’t feel the presence of them. Then we were kissing and nothing else mattered, only the taste of his kiss and the feel of his hands smoothing up my ribcage. His fingers moved higher and my breath caught for a moment then rushed out. I could feel everything he was doing, everything he felt. The quickening emotions flowed from him into me, and I felt consumed by a fire that for once didn’t twist me in agony. Nothing mattered but holding onto that sensation of being alive.

My shirt came off, followed by his, and he pressed me back on the couch until he was covering me. The skin on skin contact intensified the transfer and I wanted to stay connected to him forever.

Our heavy breathing filled the room, and he pulled back an inch, giving us space to breath separately, to regain our thoughts.

“Lily...God, what are we doing?”

“I... I don’t know but I don’t want to stop,” I said, and lifted my head to place a light kiss at the corner of his mouth. His teeth came out and caught my lower lip, giving a slight tug then letting go.

“I’m not looking for anything more than friends, Lils. With everything that happened with Jaime, I just can’t do that now. I can’t give you everything you want.” He levered up on his arms further, removing some of that delicious contact my body craved. “I’m sorry.”

I’d had everything with Dylan. It hadn’t been perfect, but it had been everything, and I’d lost it. Everything didn’t mean all things.

“I’m not asking for anything other than friends,” I said and looped my arms around his neck, letting gravity apply the pressure.

“Friends?” His head dropped, putting his lips a whisper away from mine.

“Friends,” I smiled against his lips, “with benefits.”

Later, I wondered what had possessed me. It has been such a blur of emotions. We moved from the couch to his room. Our clothes had come off. We had sex.

I’d dated Dylan for four years, and we’d never done it. I hadn’t been ready. I wasn’t sure I was ready now, but Micah made me feel things I hadn’t dreamed possible. He’d brought me out of the empty space Dylan had left me in. Micah’s emotions fueled my own craving for more. He blocked out the loneliness, the guilt, the powerlessness. I’d been consumed with a burning to belong to him.

Rolling off his bed, I used the sheet to cover myself until I pulled on most of my clothing. Micah moved on the other side, doing the same thing, although he didn’t bother with hiding behind a sheet. He acted as if it was completely normal, that he’d been naked in front of a girl before. Of course he had. It’s not as if Hannah came from the stork. The idea of how comfortable he was while I was petrified that he would look at me and wonder what he’d been thinking made me cringe. I didn’t want it to be awkward. I didn’t want to think that maybe it had been a mistake. What had happened might not have been everything, but it had been something and that was all I needed. Something.

I stood up to button my pants when Micah came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me. His bare chest was warm and I wanted to curl into him and never leave that cozy space.

“Lils, I meant what I said earlier about being friends. You are my best friend.” He pressed his lips to the sensitive spot I had where my shoulder and neck meet. “I don’t want that to change.”

“Friends,” I said and placed my hands overtop his, holding them in place. I could do that. Friends with benefits.

Lying in my bed that night, I felt like I was floating. The entire evening had been like a dream and I was still trying to believe that it had happened.

My door burst open and Phoebe sauntered in. She threw herself on the bed next to me and joined me in staring silently at the ceiling.

“I did it,” she said after a few minutes.

“You what?!” Was she really saying what I thought she had? Chloe better not come in and say she had too.

“Not that. Yet. I told Nathan I loved him and he said it back. It was absolutely perfect like we’d been saying it forever.”

“Oh. That’s a good thing.”

She rolled onto her stomach and propped herself up on her elbows. She was happy, so happy she looked like a completely different person. Could three simple words really do that to someone? What would Dylan have looked like if I’d said them to him? Would it have changed his mind about what he did?

“What did you do tonight?”

“Micah.” That wasn’t what I’d been planning on saying, but it was too late to take back.

Her mouth hung open in shock.

“Please tell me you misunderstood my question.” She sat up and I continued to stare at the ceiling. “You hung out right?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh. My. God.” She grabbed my pillow and whacked me with it hard, knocking me off the bed. “How could you not even tell me you guys were dating? And now you’re having sex and you weren’t going to tell me. Don’t even bother lying, I know you Lily Ann Matlin.”

“We’re not dating.” I got off the floor, avoiding her gaze.

“What!?” Her shock quickly faded though and a sickening look of pity took over. “Oh, Lily, what did you do?”

“I don’t know. It just happened. We’re friends and ...” I fell back on the bed and threw an arm over my face. I’d felt so good about it, but now a sick feeling churned inside me and I could feel Phoebe’s concern building.

“Things like that don’t just happen, Lils. I’ve been friends with Owen for years and I’d never want something even close to that to happen.”

“I don’t know. The last time-”

“Last time!” she interrupted. “You mean this wasn’t the first time?”

“No! It was. We’d only kissed before.”

“Once? Twice? And you didn’t think that maybe the whole friends thing wasn’t going to work? And I thought you were the brains of the family.”

“We are friends. Micah is my best friend. This doesn’t change that.”

“It does, Lily. Why do you think Nathan and I haven’t done it yet? I like what we have now and I’m not ready for that to change. Sex is a big thing. You were with Dylan for four years and never had sex with him and now you’re doing it with Micah and you’re not even dating. Who are you? Because you are not my little sister.”

I groaned in frustration. Why had I been given sisters? A brother would not be asking me these things.

“I can’t believe Chloe didn’t tell me about this.” Phoebe started to slide off the bed, most likely to ream Chloe, but I caught her hand and tugged her back.

“She promised to not look into my future anymore. After how wrong she was about Dylan, I just didn’t want to live that way. Expecting one thing, focusing my entire life around a vision, only to have things change.”

“Interesting how she never gave me that same promise.” She sat back down and crossed her legs, while leaning back on her arms. “This is going to end badly, Lily.”

“No, it’s not. Micah and I are friends and this isn’t going to change that. I won’t let it.” I ignored the face she made. “Lots of people have sex, Phoebe. Lots of girls our age have sex.”

“But they’re not you. And you aren’t the casual sex type.”

“This isn’t casual sex. It’s...friends with benefits.”

“Friends with benefits? Do you ever watch TV or movies? That kind of thing never works out in fiction and you think it’ll work out for you? Seriously, Lils, this is not a good idea. You’re going to get hurt.”

“No, I won’t. I know what this is and what it isn’t. I’m not secretly dying of love for Micah. I’m simply...enjoying myself.” I nudged her with my foot. “Now if you don’t mind, you’ve sufficiently killed my good mood and I would rather not feel like I’m a horrible person for choosing this.”

“Fine.” She held her hands up in defeat. “But if this turns ugly...”

“Yes, you can say you told me so.”

“Good,” she said, smiling. “Please tell me you at least used protection. Hannah’s a cutie and all, but a kid would serious screw up your life.”

“Yes, we used a condom.” I swore my face was about to explode from the heat building there. This was so not a conversation I wanted to be having.

“Thank God, because I doubt his parents would be so supportive if he knocked up another girl. Now I want details, because that boy is hot enough with clothes on.”

Phoebe listened and I gave her the minimum of details. It probably didn’t live up to the lewd description she’d been hoping for, but she was now the innocent sister and I figured I should try to protect her.

“Are you sure about this, Lils?” She stopped in the doorway on her way out of my room.

“Sure about what?” Chloe asked from the hall.

“It’s nothing,” I said, not wanting her to know, but mostly not wanting her to look into it for me. “And yes, I am sure.”

Chloe gave me a strange look and I quickly slammed the door behind Phoebe, blocking both of them out. Distance was always the best thing with Chloe. Otherwise, she just got a bit too nosey.

That night I dreamed of Dylan again. It started with me floating down the street toward him. He didn’t smile this time. In fact, he had tearstains on his cheeks. I reached for him and for once, he came closer. I let my hand smooth his hair back from his face. I thought he’d cut it before he’d died.

My hand passed over something sticky and when I pulled my hand away, it was covered in blood. The blood pooled in my palm and dripped to the ground, splashing on the pajama pants I wore. As it fell, more blood appeared in an endless flow. I looked up and Dylan was gone, the blood the only evidence that he was ever there.

I spun around, wanting to run home, but Micah blocked my way. He was smiling, holding his arms open to me. I ran into them, terrified by the blood. I clenched the front of his shirt in my fists, trying to absorb some of the blood. I pulled back, and his shirt was clean, no blood. I looked back at my crimson hands, and ran them along his arms. Nothing. He grabbed my wrists and tried to see what I saw, but he saw nothing, so he held my hands and lifted them, kissing the backs. When he was done, he let me go and I turned my palms up. The blood was gone.

Unlike most of my dreams with Dylan, I didn’t wake up suddenly or even immediately. Instead, I drifted through a foggy maze of disconnected scenes. When I finally did wake, it was to my alarm clock softly playing music. I loved Saturday mornings when I could just lay there and wait for one good song to come on and pull me from my bed to turn it up louder.

That morning it was a Maroon 5 song and, even though it had faded from the charts a while back, I still loved it. I tried not to think about the dream, about what it meant. Dreams could mean anything, including nothing.

Micah called just before lunch and asked if I wanted to go with him and Hannah to the park. I walked over, not wanting to take complete advantage of Dad’s car. Phoebe had done that when she first got her license and he’d billed her for gas and insurance. Micah and Hannah were waiting for me outside and I barely contained a laugh. Micah was dressed in varying shaded of black and grey, while little Hannah was decked out in a hot pink outfit sitting in her checkered pink stroller.

When we walked to the park, we did it as we had every other time, talking about the usual things and everything was normal. Phoebe was wrong. Micah and I could do this.

Hannah played in the sand, and then we put her in the baby swing. Micah stood in front tickling her toes every time she flew towards him and I pushed from behind.

“Do you think we made a mistake?” Micah asked, looking at me over Hannah’s head.

“I don’t want it to be a mistake.” I felt at peace with my decision. There was none of the pressure I’d felt with Dylan, or anxious waiting, like Phoebe had suffered until Chloe told her she and Nathan would be waiting a while. It just felt right. Micah wouldn’t hurt me. He would be honest and that was all I needed from this. “Do you think it was a mistake?”

He nudged Hannah back toward me. “My folks would kill me if they found out, but...I’m not gonna pretend that it wasn’t mildly enjoyable.”

“Is that faint praise I hear?” I laughed, while inside I was suddenly withering with insecurity.

“Chill, Lily. I probably wouldn’t have called you if it had been bad.” He laughed at the shock I knew was on plastered across my face. “Kidding! I’m just thinking, what if we change our minds about the whole thing?”

“Then we’ll just be friends again.” I grabbed the back of Hannah’s swing and held her suspended before me. “Because that is more important to me.”

I let the swing go and Micah caught it, pulling Hannah out despite her cries.

“My mom was baking cookies and they should be ready by now,” he said and Hannah immediately started squealing and raising her arms to be lifted out, having heard the magic word. Then he said the words that were magic to my ears. “They’re going out to some office party tonight.”

Micah’s parents went out a lot and if they didn’t then we hung out just like friends would. Every moment I was awake I focused on when we would be together again. He loved watching thrillers, and wasn’t big on horror movies, drank Chi Tea instead of coffee, and gave the biggest laugh every time Hannah smiled at him. Still, he was as serious as he always seemed and knew that he wanted to do something with his life other than be some kid who messed up his life by getting his girlfriend pregnant.