Healing Your Emotional Self (3 page)

Many of the ideas we have about ourselves were acquired in child- hood from two sources: how others treated us and what others told us about ourselves. How others defined us has thus become how we now perceive ourselves. Your
self-image
—who you think you are—is a package that you have put together from how others have seen and treated you, and from the conclusions you drew in comparing yourself to others.

The Real Cause of Your Low Self-Esteem or Negative Self-Image

The primary cause of your low self-esteem or negative self-image probably goes back to your childhood. No matter what has happened to you in your life, your parents (or the people who raised you) have the most significant influence on how you feel about yourself. Negative parental behavior and messages can have a profound effect on our self-image and self-esteem. This is especially true of survivors of emotional abuse, neglect, or smothering as a child.

Inadequate, unhealthy parenting can affect the formation of a child’s identity, self-concept, and level of self-esteem. Research clearly shows that the single most important factor in determining the amount of self-esteem a child starts out with is his or her parents’ style of child-rearing during the first three or four years of the child’s life.

When parents are loving, encouraging, and fair-minded, and pro- vide proper discipline and set appropriate limits, the children they shape end up being self-confident, self-monitoring, and self-actualized. But when parents are neglectful, critical, and unfair, and provide harsh discipline and inappropriate limits, the children they shape are insecure and self-critical, and they suffer from low self-esteem.

When I first met Matthew I was struck by his dark good looks. He resembled a younger, taller, more exotic-looking Tom Cruise, with his chiseled features, his large, dark, almond-shaped eyes, and his straight dark hair. Because he was so strikingly good-looking I expected him to speak to me with confidence, but instead he spoke in a reticent, almost apologetic way. As he explained to me why he had come to therapy, I

discovered that he felt extremely insecure. Although he was an intel- ligent, talented, attractive young man, he was tormented with self- doubt and was extremely critical of himself. Why would a young man with so much going for him feel so badly about himself?

As Matthew told me the story of his life, I discovered his father was never pleased with him. No matter what Matthew did, it was never enough. He told me about a time when he got on the honor roll in school and was excited to tell his father about it. Instead of congrat- ulating Matthew and being proud of him, his father told him that since school was so easy for him he needed to get a job after school. So Matthew did as his father suggested. But this didn’t seem to please him, either. Instead, his father complained that he wasn’t helping out enough with yard work and that he needed to quit his job. “You’re just working so you can make money to waste on girls,” his father criti- cized, somehow not remembering that he had been the one to pres- sure Matthew into getting a job in the first place. Matthew had an interest in music and was a very talented piano player. But his father wasn’t happy about his taking lessons. “You’re already too effeminate,” he scoffed. “Why don’t you go out for sports like I did in school?” When Matthew followed his father’s advice and tried out for the track team, his father complained, “It just doesn’t have the same prestige as playing football or basketball. Why don’t you try out for one of those teams?”

Because his father was never proud of him and never acknowl- edged his accomplishments, Matthew became very hard on himself. He became very self-critical; no matter what he accomplished he found something wrong with it. If someone did try to compliment him, he pushed their praise away with statements such as “Oh, anyone could have done that,” or “Yeah, but you should have seen how I messed up yesterday.”

By not acknowledging Matthew and by never being pleased, Matthew’s father had caused him to be self-conscious and fearful. Many parents undermine their children’s self-esteem and create in them a sort of “self anxiety” by treating them in any or all of the following ways: with a lack of warmth and affection, acknowledgment, respect, or admi- ration, as well as with unreasonable expectations, domination, indiffer- ence, belittling, isolation, or unfair or unequal treatment.

“Inner Critic” Defined
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Having a strong inner critic is another factor in creating low self- esteem, and it usually goes hand in hand with low self-esteem. Your inner critic is formed through the normal socialization process that every child experiences. Parents teach their children which behaviors are acceptable and which are unacceptable, dangerous, or morally wrong. Most parents do this by praising the former and discouraging the latter. Children know (either consciously or unconsciously) that their parents are the source of all physical and emotional nourish- ment, so parental approval feels like a matter of life or death to them. Therefore, when they are scolded or spanked they feel the withdrawal of parental approval very acutely because it carries with it the horrible risk of losing all support.

All children retain conscious and unconscious memories of those times when they felt wrong or bad because of the loss of their parents’ approval. This is where the inner critic gets his start. (I use “he” when referring to the inner critic because many people, including women, think of their inner critic as being male. Feel free to substitute “she” if it feels more appropriate for you.) Even as an adult there is still a part of you that believes you are “bad” whenever someone gets angry with you or when you make a mistake.

Your inner critic’s voice is the voice of a disapproving parent—the punishing, forbidding voice that shaped your behavior as a child. If your early experiences were mild and appropriate, your adult critic may only rarely attack, but if you were given very strong messages about your “badness” or “wrongness” as a child, your adult critic will attack you frequently and fiercely.

Emotional Abuse and Neglect Defined

Abuse is a very emotionally powerful word. It usually implies intent or even malice on the part of the abuser. But parents who emotionally abuse or neglect their children seldom do so intentionally. Most are simply repeating the way they were treated as a child—doing to their

children what was done to them. Many do not realize that the way they are treating their children is harmful to them; few do so out of malice—an intentional desire to hurt their children.

Low self-esteem is not usually instilled in children through con- scious or deliberate efforts on the part of the parents. Typically, par- ents of children with low self-esteem had low self-esteem themselves. And those parents who emotionally abuse, neglect, or smother their children usually do not recognize the tremendous power they have in shaping their children’s sense of self.

We need to be very specific when we use the words
emotional

abuse
. Emotional abuse of a child is a pattern of behavior—meaning that it occurs on a continuous basis, over time. Occasional negative attitudes or actions are not considered emotional abuse. Even the best of parents have occasions when they have momentarily lost con- trol and said hurtful things to their children, failed to give them the attention they wanted, or unintentionally scared them by their actions. Every parent undoubtedly treats their children in some of these ways from time to time, but emotionally abusive parents regularly treat their children in some or all of these ways.

Emotional abuse
of a child is a pattern of behavior that attacks a child’s emotional development and sense of self-worth. Because emo- tional abuse affects a child’s sense of self, the victim comes to view himself or herself as unworthy of love and affection. Emotional abuse includes both acts and omissions by parents or caretakers, and it can cause serious behavioral, cognitive, emotional, or mental disorders in a child. This form of maltreatment includes:

• Verbal abuse (including constant criticism, ridiculing, blaming, belittling, insulting, rejecting, and inappropriate teasing)
  

• Placing excessive or unreasonable demands on a child that are beyond his or her capabilities
  

• Being overly controlling
  

• Emotionally smothering a child (including being overprotective or unwilling to allow the child to create a separate life from her parents)
  

• Rejecting or emotionally abandoning a child (including being cold and unresponsive and withholding love)
  

  Neglect
  is an even more misunderstood word and can manifest itself physically and emotionally.
  Physical neglect
  includes failure on the part of a parent or primary caregiver to provide for the child’s basic physical needs (food, water, shelter, attention to hygiene) as well as his or her emotional, social, environmental, and medical needs. It also includes failure to provide adequate supervision.
  

  Emotional neglect
  includes failure to provide the nurturing and positive support necessary for a child’s emotional and psychological growth and development—providing little or no love, support, or guidance. This includes inattention to a child’s needs for acknowledg- ment, affection, and emotional support (being uninterested in a child’s feelings, activities, and problems).
  

  The following questionnaire will further help you to understand emotional abuse and neglect and to determine whether you experi- enced them as a child.
  

  Questionnaire: Were You Emotionally Abused, Neglected, or Smothered as a Child?
  

  1. Was one or both of your parents overly critical of you? Were you frequently criticized for saying the wrong things or behaving in the wrong way? Did one or both of your parents often criticize the way you looked?
     

  2. Was it impossible to please your parents? Did you get the impression that no matter what you did, your parents would never approve of you?
     

  3. Were your parents perfectionists? Were you chastised or punished unless you did things in a certain way?
     

  4. Did your parents tell you that you were bad, worthless, or stupid, or that you would never amount to anything? Did they call you insulting names?
     

  5. Did your parents belittle you, make fun of you, or make you the object of malicious or sadistic jokes?
     

  6. Did your parents ignore your physical needs, for example, failing to provide adequate clothing such as a warm coat in the winter, or not providing adequate medical care?
     

  7. Did your parents force you to live in dangerous or unsta- ble environments (such as exposure to domestic violence or parental conflict)?
     

  8. Were your parents so preoccupied or busy with their own needs or problems that they didn’t take time to be with you?
     

  9. Did your parents frequently leave you alone to fend for yourself? Were you deprived of physical nurturing (for example, being held or comforted when you were upset) or affection when you were a child?
     

  10. Was one of both of your parents distant or aloof toward you as a child?
      

  11. Did one or both of your parents have a drinking problem or an addiction to drugs or gambling, or any other addic- tion that caused one or both to neglect you?
      

  12. Were you ever abandoned as a child (were you ever sent away to live with someone else as a punishment or because a parent was sick or could not take care of you)?
      

  13. Was one or both of your parents overly protective of you or overly fearful that harm would come to you (for exam- ple, not allowing you to participate in sports or normal childhood activities for fear of your getting hurt)?
      

  14. Did one or both of your parents isolate you from others or refuse to allow you to have friends over or to go over to other children’s homes?
      

  15. Was one or both of your parents overly possessive of you (that is, did he or she appear jealous if you paid
      

      attention to anyone else or if you had a friend or romantic partner)?
      

  16. Did one or both parents treat you as a confidante or seek emotional comfort from you? Did you often feel as if you were the parent and your parents were the children?
      

  These questions describe various forms of emotional abuse and neglect. If you answered yes to any of questions 1 through 5, you were emotionally abused through verbal abuse or unreasonable expectations. If you answered yes to any of questions 6 through 12, you were neglected or abandoned as a child. If you answered yes to any of questions 13 through 16, you suffered from emo- tional smothering or emotional incest.
  

  Psychological Maltreatment
  

  Although most emotional abuse and neglect is unintentional on a par- ent’s part, sometimes parents deliberately inflict harm on their chil- dren in these ways.
  Psychological maltreatment
  is a term used by professionals to describe a concerted attack by an adult on a child’s development of self and social competence—a pattern of psychically destructive behavior. Sometimes coming under the category of emo- tional abuse, there are five major behavioral forms:
  

• Rejecting—behaviors that communicate or constitute abandon- ment of the child, such as a refusal to show affection
  

• Isolating—preventing the child from participating in normal opportunities for social interaction
  

• Terrorizing—threatening the child with severe or sinister pun- ishment, or deliberately developing a climate of fear or threat
  

• Ignoring—where the caregiver is psychologically unavailable to the child and fails to respond to the child’s behavior
  

• Corrupting—caregiver behavior that encourages the child to develop false social values that reinforce antisocial or deviant behav- ioral patterns such as aggression, criminal acts, or substance abuse
  

  How Children Are Affected by Emotional Abuse and Neglect
  

  The primary way that children are affected by emotional abuse and neglect is that their self-image becomes distorted, they lack a strong sense of self, they develop extremely low self-esteem, and their
  

  emotional development is thwarted. Emotional abuse and neglect cre- ate a distorted view of oneself as unacceptable, unlovable, or “less than” others. Emotional abuse, neglect, and smothering can also create self- hatred in a child. Many children who are emotionally abused or neg- lected exhibit extremes in either passivity or aggressiveness. Children who are constantly shamed, humiliated, terrorized, or rejected suffer at least as much as, if not more than, if they had been physically assaulted. Studies have found that neglect can be more damaging than outright abuse. A survey of maltreated children found that neglected children were the most anxious, inattentive, and apathetic, and that they often tended to be alternatively aggressive and withdrawn.
  

  There are various reasons for this outcome. Neglect and abandon- ment communicate to a child that he or she is not worthy of love and care. Early emotional deprivation often produces babies who grow into anxious and insecure children who are slow to develop or who have low self-esteem. This is particularly true of babies who were given inadequate amounts of physical touch and holding. Researchers have found that the healthiest children are those who were frequently held and caressed by their parents. Children who were deprived of touch became what is called “touch avoidant.” By the age of six, these children would refuse nurturing touch.
  

  Emotional abuse often includes communicating to a child, either verbally or nonverbally, that he or she is unlovable, ugly, stupid, or wicked. Both neglect and emotional abuse can cause children to search within themselves for the faults that merit their parents’ bad treatment. Such internalized rejection can take a heavy toll on a child’s developing self, leading to poor self-image and low self-esteem. Children who are shown little empathy and given little praise and acceptance often exhibit not only poor self-esteem but also self- destructive behavior, apathy, and depression. Children who experi- ence a chaotic environment with little security and safety tend to exhibit anxiety, fear, and night terrors. If they are threatened with the withdrawal of love from their parents or primary caretakers, they often experience severe anxiety, excessive fear, and dependency.
  

  A literature review of the effects of emotional abuse on children conducted by Marti Tamm Loring, author of
  Emotional Abuse
  , revealed the following:
  

  Those who internalize the abuse become depressed, suicidal, and withdrawn. They manifest self-destructiveness, depression, suicidal thoughts, passivity, withdrawal (avoidance of social con- tacts), shyness, and a low degree of communication with others. They are likely to have low self-esteem and may suffer from feelings of guilt and remorse, depression, loneliness, rejection, and resignation. Perceiving themselves as unworthy and the world as a hostile place in which they are bound to fail, many are unwilling to try new tasks or develop new skills.
  

  People who externalize the abuse frequently become anxious, aggressive, and hostile, may suffer from constant fear, and are always ready to “hit back.” As Louise M. Wisechild, the author of
  The Mother I Carry
  , a wonderful memoir about healing from emotional abuse, so eloquently wrote:
  

  Emotional abuse is like water dripping every day on a stone, leaving a depression, eroding the personality by an unrelenting accumulation of incidents that humiliate or ridicule or dismiss. Emotional abuse is air and piercing vibration. Emotional abuse can feel physical even though no hand has been raised. The per- petrator may seem fragile and pathetic but still be vicious. Childhood emotional abuse can define us when we are young, debilitate us as we grow older, and spread like a virus as we take its phrases and turn them on others.
  

  Note that emotional abuse is typically associated with and a result of other types of abuse and neglect. Emotional abuse is the core of all forms of abuse, and the long-term effects of child abuse and neglect generally stem from the emotional aspects of abuse.
  

  The Role of Shame in Creating Low Self-Esteem and Perfectionism
  

  Shame is a feeling deep within us of being exposed and unworthy. When we feel shamed we want to hide. We hang our heads, stoop our shoulders, and curve inward as if trying to make ourselves invisible.
  

  Emotional abuse and neglect are very shaming experiences, and those who are victimized in any way feel humiliated and degraded by the experience. In addition, most children blame themselves for the way their parents treated them, feeling that somehow they deserved to be treated in such a way and thinking, “If I’d only minded my mother, she wouldn’t have belittled and yelled at me in front of my friends.” This is an attempt to regain some sense of power and con- trol. To blame oneself and assume one could have done better or could have prevented an incident is more tolerable than to face the reality of utter helplessness.
  

  Children raised by parents who frequently scolded, criticized, or spanked them whenever they did the slightest thing wrong end up feeling that their very being is wrong—not just their actions. Some people fight against shame by striving for perfection. This is a way of compensating for an underlying sense of defectiveness. The reasoning (although subconscious) goes like this: “If I can become perfect, I’ll never be shamed again.” This quest for perfection is, of course, doomed to fail. Since the person suffering shame already feels inher- ently not good enough, nothing he or she does will ever be perceived as good enough. Therefore, continuing to expect perfection in your- self will cause you to constantly be disappointed and constantly dam- age your self-esteem.
  

  How Emotional Abuse and Neglect Affect Your Sense of Self
  

  I’ve used lots of words so far to identify different aspects of the self, such as self-image, self-concept, and self-esteem, but as yet I haven’t defined the concept of
  self
  . There are many definitions, but for our purposes we’ll define it as
  your inner core
  . It is the sense you have of yourself as a separate person—the sense of where your needs and feelings leave off and others’ begin.
  

  There is another “self” phrase that needs defining:
  sense of self
  . This is your internal awareness of who you are and how you fit into the world. The ideal is what is referred to as “a coherent sense of
  

  self,” which is having an internal feeling of solidarity. You experience yourself as a person who has a place in the world, who has a right to express yourself, and who has the power to affect and participate in what happens to you. Unfortunately, people who were emotionally abused or neglected in childhood possess a sense of self that is often characterized by feelings that are anything but empowering. Instead, they feel helpless, ashamed, enraged, terrified, and guilty, leading to feelings of insecurity.
  

  We are not necessarily in touch with our sense of self until something happens to make us pay attention to it. If someone dis- misses your accomplishments or rejects you, your focus will turn inward. You will begin to question whether you are worthy or love- able. The reverse can also be true. If someone compliments you, you might turn inward to congratulate yourself. Being self-conscious means that for whatever reason, you have become preoccupied with how you are doing or how you are coming across to other people. This self-evaluation can become obsessive and can cause you either to feel inhibited in the company of others or to put on a show for them. Either way, self-consciousness interferes with your ability to be your authentic self.
  

  When we feel ignored or rejected by others (especially our parents), we often begin to worry about what we might have done to warrant this reaction. This begins early in life. Children are egocentric—meaning they assume everything centers around them and therefore they must be the cause of others’ reactions—and so they tend to blame themselves for the way others treat them. As we grow older we become self-conscious and we feed our self- consciousness with a lot of self-deprecating assumptions.
  

  In order to develop a strong sense of self you needed to be raised in an environment where positive psychological nourishment was available. Positive psychological nourishment consists of the following: