Heart Breaths (19 page)

“Wait, I’ll be back in a minute,” she instructed, heading toward the kitchen.

Returning with a tub of ice cream and four spoons, she dropped back onto the couch, snuggling in. Handing out the spoons, she turned to me. “Okay,” she said.

Deep breath.

“Basically? I started dating Ravi in ninth grade. He was everything anyone could ask for- gorgeous, funny, smart… but he was Indian, so my parents hated him. It was bad enough that I was dating an immigrant, and then when the condom broke when I was fifteen?” I shrugged. “My mom kind of lost it. They kicked me out, and I moved in to a new apartment with Ravi. My baby was born a little while after that, and not even being disowned by my parents was going to ruin that for me.” I sniffed, trying not to cry. “God, she was the most gorgeous little baby.”

“Was?” Mary Elizabeth asked, her voice laced with concern.

I nodded. “Was. Everything was good—we were both working, Ravi had started college… and then a few days before my eighteenth birthday, we were on our way to a picnic when a drunk truck driver rammed into our car and killed them.” My voice broke. “They buried them while I was still in the hospital. I couldn’t even watch them bury my babies. I moved back in with my parents who pretended that none of it ever happened.” I rubbed my heart. Telling it over again didn’t make it any easier.

“Oh, God, Maddie,” Sam said, leaning over and hugging me. “Oh God, oh God, oh God. Your daughter was the same age as Noie?”

I nodded. “A little younger.”

“Is it hard, spending time with Noie?” she asked, taking a scoop of ice cream.

“It was in the beginning,” I admitted. “But now it’s my bright spot.”

“She has a way of doing that.”

I nodded. It continued to surprise me—the person who I would have thought would have been the hardest to be near was the one who was a constant source of comfort and healing.

Mary Elizabeth squeezed my hand. “I know that telling you how sorry I am doesn’t even cover anything.”

“For the longest time, I couldn’t hear those words.” I curled against Hannah, who was stroking my hair in wordless comfort. “But sometimes, there just aren’t any words to say to tell someone how you feel, and that’s when people start stumbling over overused clichés.”

“God, Maddie, I don’t know how you kept living after that,” Hannah said, swiping at her cheeks.

And there it was again. The ever-present lump back in my throat. “I have no idea. I don’t know if I really was. And then when the whole thing happened with Jen, I lost it.” I shrugged. “Maybe if I would have dealt with everything before, I wouldn’t have freaked out so much.”

“Wait, Jen?”

I took a deep breath. “My sister. The perfect one. The one who never did anything to ruin my parents’ reputation, like getting pregnant in high school.” I sighed. “Last year, I started dating again. It had been two years, and I knew that I had to try to keep going. So, I went out with a guy that I met at one of the dumb dinner things I had to go to as part of the family. He wasn’t Ravi—nobody ever could be. But he was nice, and funny. And so we went out. And then went out again. And after dating him for a few months, I walked into my bedroom finding him having sex with my sister on my bed.”

“No offense, honey, but your sister sounds like a bitch.” Mary Elizabeth leaned over and took a spoonful of ice cream. “What the hell?”

“My family isn’t really known for their incredible niceness,” I said, reaching over and taking a spoon of ice cream as well.

“I hope you ripped her a new one,” she said matter-of-factly.

“Nah, I just left.” I said, savoring my ice cream.

“Bitch,” Hannah said. “Sorry, Maddie, I know she’s your sister.”

I shrugged. “Not offended. I meant it when I said that my family’s not really known for their shiny goodness. My parents are proud of her.”

“For fucking your boyfriend?” gaped Sam. “God, no wonder you left.”

We sat silently, passing the tub of ice cream back and forth.

“See? I told you it was a mood killer,” I said, licking my spoon.

Hannah leaned over and hugged me. “We’re here for you, you know that, right?”

Feeling a tear drip down my cheek, I nodded. “I know.” I sniffed. “Thanks.”

Chapter · Nineteen

“We’re here, girlies!” called Chris, walking into the den, only to stop and stare at us sprawled over each other, tearstained and passing around a tub of ice cream. “Whoa—what happened?”

“I killed the mood,” I said, blowing my nose.

“You okay?” he asked, bending down.

I nodded. “I’m getting there,” I said, smiling. “Thanks.”

“Is it safe to come in?” called Bryan from the doorway, looking at us, horrified. “Is this a girly thing and I should leave chocolate and drag out Chris?”

The four of us burst out laughing. “Hannah, you’ve trained him well,” I said, laughing.

She smiled as he hugged her. “I know,” she said, cuddling into his chest. “No, it’s okay, Bry.”

“You sure?” he asked.

I turned to Mary Elizabeth. “Feeling third wheel?” I asked, watching Sam and Hannah both get cuddled by boys who loved them.

“Sometimes,” she admitted.

“You’ll find her,” I said, squeezing her hand. “Promise.”

“Thanks,” she said.

Climbing off the couch, she turned to Hannah. “Han, I’ve got to get home soon.”

Untangling herself from Bryan’s arm, Hannah came over to hug Mary Elizabeth goodbye. “You’re going with Maddie to get a new phone tomorrow, right?”

“Yes, Mom,” Mary Elizabeth said, smiling.

“Claudia?” Chris asked. “Christ Jesus, that girl does not get the hint, does she?”

“Nope,” Sam answered. “That she doesn’t.”

“You sure you don’t want me to have a little talk with her?” he asked.

“If I were straight, Sam would have some serious competition,” Mary Elizabeth teased, leaning over and kissing his cheek.

“Lips off my man,” Sam said, sticking her tongue out at Mary Elizabeth. “Find your own chick.”

“I’m trying!” she said, sticking out her tongue back.

“Come on, children,” I said, laughing.

“No point,” Bryan said, as Mary Elizabeth and Sam began to tease each other. “They feed off each other.”

“And it’s hilarious,” Hannah added.

“I actually have to get going, too,” I said. “Thanks for inviting me—sorry for killing the mood.”

“I needed an excuse to eat that ice cream, honey,” she said, smiling. “You know we’ve got you, though, Maddie. Anytime.”

“Thanks,” I said, reaching over and giving her a hug.

“I expect new phones tomorrow,” she scolded. “Okay?”

“Mary Elizabeth, we have a phone-purchasing date tomorrow,” I called.

“Done,” she said. “I’ll pick you up from the café at four.”

“Awesome.”

Lying in bed, I watched the shadows shift and thought about what had happened that night.

Complete and utter acceptance.

It bowled me over, that three girls who had never met me three months before had become the closest thing I had to family.

Letting my eyes drift shut, I could feel my heart breathing.

Well, hi
, I wrote, and pressed send.

“You know, he’s just going to think it’s me,” Mary Elizabeth said as she watched me text Gabe.

“Only for a few minutes,” I said. “Did you get her number?”

“Whose?” she asked innocently.

“The chick behind the counter at the store, that you were flirting with the whole time,” I said. “Don’t think I didn’t see.”

“I did,” she smiled. “She programmed it in herself.”

“Nice,” I said, smiling.

The phone buzzed.

What’s up, ME?

Well, it’s not Mary Elizabeth
, I texted back.

Sam?

Maddie.

Hi gorgeous. So you decided to steal ME’s phone to text me? I hope you delete these texts after :)

I burst out laughing.

Nah, I decided that I needed a phone more than ME did, so now I’m going to play so much Sudoku.

And what if ME wants to play Sudoku?

She has a new phone
, I typed back.

?

Claudia is being stupid, so I got ME’s phone, and will kick her ass.

Can I watch? ;)

Perv.

Exactly. Noie wants to know if you want to come over tonight for dinner.

Only Noie wants to know?

Well, she’s in charge of dinner tonight

Then tell her I’d love to join her :)

“What are you all smiley about?” Mary Elizabeth asked as we pulled up in front of the café. “You haven’t had that phone for more than half an hour and already you’re doing the text and giggle.”

Her phone buzzed. Scanning the message, she giggled and typed something back.

“Hello, pot, my name is kettle,” I drawled, smiling. “I’ll see you later. Thanks for the ride!”

She waved and drove off and my new phone and I went upstairs to get ready for dinner with Noie.

And her dad.

“So far, so good,” I said, picking a weed out of the small flower patch. “I don’t know, Ravi. Am I doing the right thing?”

There was no answer.

I didn’t know why I kept on expecting to hear one. Folding my legs into a pretzel, I sat there and listened to the trees whisper to each other as I tried to sort out my thoughts.

About Gabe. About Noie. About Eno.

About everything.

Should I stay? Could I leave?

It’s only May, I told myself, twirling a blade of grass between my fingers. You don’t need to decide yet.

It was May, which meant that things were starting to get busier. The part-time hours were only until Memorial Day, and then I was going to be spending a lot more time in the café. I was looking forward to it—the café was probably one of the happiest places I had ever worked in.

“I’m playing again, Ravi,” I whispered. “I’m singing again. With Hannah and Mary Elizabeth. And now they want me to go back to Billy Bob’s, this time dressed normally. I might.”

I could see Ravi laughing at Billy Bob’s. That kind of over clichéd hilarity was his favorite.

“I’m just scared I’m going to screw this all up,” I said, letting a deep breath out. Standing up, I brushed the grass off my shorts, and blowing a kiss toward the stones, I headed back toward my car.

My phone beeped as I slid into the driver’s seat.

Noie is excited about her play date. I’m jealous.

I looked at the text and smiled.

That was why it was so terrifying.

There was so much to lose.

It wasn’t just Gabe. It wasn’t just the stolen kisses, the hours of conversation and the niggling feeling of safety when I was with him.

It was also Noie.

Noie, who had become my little ray of sunshine. Who destroyed my heart and mended it all at the same time. It was crazy to believe that she saw Devi—but it would have been crazy to not believe it, too.

Noie, who told me stories about Devi that made me smile through tears, and who danced around her apartment, singing Kenny Chesney and butchered most of the Spanish she spoke.

Noie, who smothered me with hugs, let me hold her dolls, and who told me that I was almost as favorite as her daddy was.

Closing my heart off to her was impossible. She had stampeded in and plucked it out with a smile on her face, and a request to go put more pink on her fingers.

Maybe you’re only going out with Gabe because of Noie, a voice accused me in the back of my mind.

I let my mind flash to the kisses I shared with Gabe. The ones that made me forget my name, forget where I was, and forget I knew how to breathe.

The past two weeks had been nothing short of magical. The hours we spent on his couch, watching movies, talking about life, or racing each other to finish a Sudoku. It wasn’t just because of Noie.

Following the directions I had pulled up on Google, I was soon parked outside his office.

It was impulsive. It was a statement. Fixing my hair, I grabbed the bag from the café and walked toward his office.

It was a statement, but it was one that I was going to make.

“Can I help you?” asked the receptionist.

“Hi, I’m here to see Gabriel Mendez,” I said.

“Do you have an appointment?”

“No,” I replied.

“And what’s your name, miss?”

“Madeline Gray.”

“Have a seat, I’ll let him know you’re here.” she said, picking up her phone.

Walking over to an overstuffed couch, I sat down and waited.

“He’s available now,” the receptionist said, hanging up the phone and standing up. “I’ll take you to his office.”

“Thank you,” I said as she led me down plushly carpeted halls and stopped at a closed door, Gabe’s name on a plaque.

Knocking, I opened the door and peered in.

“Maddie!” he said, striding over to the door and wrapping me in a hug. “How’d I get so lucky?”

“Well, you did say you were jealous that Noie was getting a play date and you weren’t,” I replied, teasing. “So I brought you lunch instead.”

His brow crinkled. “I sent you that text five minutes ago. It takes a bit longer than five minutes to get from the café to here.”

I smiled up at him. “I was at Fort Raleigh,” I said. “I was going to come over anyway.”

He leaned down and touched his lips to mine. Explosions. Every time he kissed me. I let myself get swept up into him, forgetting where we were, who we were. There was nothing but a rush of wonderment any time his lips touched mine. I clung to him, not willing to come up for air anytime soon. I would be happy to drown in him. Always. “Well, I’m happy you came,” he said, his voice a little raspy, as he lead me toward the small couch. “Can I get you a drink?”

I shook my head. “No thanks,” I said. Looking around his office, my eyebrows lifted. “I’m not so important,” I teased him, echoing back his words from a previous conversation. “Does everyone else not important also have an office this size, Gabe?”

He shrugged, looking sheepish. “They like promoting me,” he said, shaking his head. “So, no.”

“You must be doing some kick-ass work to get promoted to this,” I said, proud.

“I suppose,” he said. “Or because it’s a big building.”

The boy couldn’t take a compliment, and it was adorable to watch him squirm when confronted with physical evidence of how highly the firm held him in their regard.

“I brought you lunch,” I said, handing him the bag. “I figured you’d get hungry.”

“Personal delivery service?” he said, opening the bag and peering down into its contents. “Thank you, Maddie.”

“My pleasure,” I said, telling the truth.

Pulling out the sandwiches, he handed me a half. “So, to make up for Noie’s play date, you’ve decided to invite yourself for lunch,” he teased, leaning back against the couch.

“My plans have been foiled again,” I drawled, watching him take a bite from his sandwich. “You’re too smart for your own good, Mendez.”

He nodded, chewing.

“That is true,” he said, swallowing. “Have I missed any earth-shattering events over in Eno this morning?”

I laughed. “Well, Grandma Evelyn traumatized a tourist when she dropped a bunch of condoms next to Ginger and Harry, who were making out at their table in the café,” I said. “She told them if they were practically going to have sex in her café, they may as well use protection.”