Heart in Wire: A by a Thread Companion Novel (29 page)

Patrick slumped down onto the ottoman and put his hands on his head. She’s fucking pregnant. This was really the end. A kid changes everything. He shook his head in misery at the irony of his thoughts. They’d ended before they even had a chance. Standing up slowly, he walked back to his room and opened his iPad.

He forced himself to type in “Stella Murphy pregnant.” Patrick read through article after article until he found the one he needed, the one that told him how far along she was. He picked up his chair and threw it across the room.

It was his. He knew it.

Seething, Patrick yanked his phone out of his pocket and searched through it to find El’s number. Frustrated because he couldn’t find it, he threw the phone against the wall. The screen shattered immediately.

“Fuck!” he yelled at the top of his lungs. In the distance, he heard thundering footsteps getting closer to his room. Patrick hung his head as Jesse pushed the door open.

“What the fuck, dude?”

Ignoring Jesse’s question, Patrick stalked over to his closet and started packing a bag. He hadn’t even realized Jesse was home.

“What’s going on?”

About to blurt out his problem, Patrick gathered his wits about him. “Sorry, man. Just family stuff. I’ve got to head home for the weekend. I’ll clean this up when I get back.”

“You okay?”

“I...” Patrick looked at his roommate, someone he now considered a close friend. “I don’t know. I’ll tell you when I get back.” He’d probably tell Jesse everything, just not right now.

One of Patrick’s favorite things about Jesse was that he didn’t pry. “All right. We’ll talk later.” Jesse eyed the phone on the floor again and turned and walked out of Patrick’s room.

Patrick pulled his iPad back out and got a very expensive flight to DC.
Fuck her
! Fuck her! Fuck her!

He messaged Billy from his iPad.

Coming up for the night, can I crash at the house?

Billy replied immediately.

Of course.

Patrick hesitated before typing the next message, he inhaled slowly.

Did you know?

yes

How could you not tell me?

You need to talk to el

Rage tore through his body again, like he was hearing the news that El was pregnant again for the first time.

Calm P, talk to el

Fuck you. I’ll see you in a few hours

Patrick stewed in his fury until he landed in DC. His iPad told him it was 3:00 in the afternoon on a Saturday and he debated where to go to first. He took the Metro to Braddock Road and walked the long blocks to Billy’s house. He walked in without knocking, still feeling like it was his house too. Billy was watching an old baseball game on ESPN Classic. He stood up and they did a manly one arm embrace.

“You okay?” Billy asked, walking into the kitchen.

“No,” Patrick muttered.

“Well, I think if you would’ve taken one of El’s seven million phone calls you would have known this a long time ago. I know she didn’t want you to find out this way.”

Patrick sat with his elbows on his knees, his head hung down so low it almost touched his knees.

Billy patted his back and handed him a beer. “Chug-a-lug, Pooh Bear. You’re about to have a very unpleasant conversation.”

“Is it mine?” Patrick asked before turning his beer up and guzzling over half of it easily.

“Oh, no you don’t.” Billy held his hands up in surrender. “I’m not even sticking my toe in this shit. This is for you two to handle.”

“Can I use your phone? I destroyed mine.”

“Effective use of rage?” Billy asked raising an eyebrow.

“Annoying use of rage,” Patrick confirmed lifelessly.

Billy handed his phone over and then waited. Patrick didn’t move.

“Do it, pussy.”

Patrick relented at this jab and smiled as he pressed El’s face in Billy’s contacts.

“Yo, William, what’s up?”

Her voice made Patrick freeze; it was normal and casual when he felt like his life was ending. Billy punched his shoulder.

Patrick cleared his throat. “Um, actually, it’s Patrick.”

Silence.

“We, um, need to talk.”

“Yes, we do.” Her voice broke a little at the end and his heart constricted.
Fuck her
. She didn’t get to do that to him.

“Do you want to come to Billy’s or you want me to come over to your house?”

She exhaled into the phone. “I’ll come there,” she answered, her voice soft and gauzy.

“Patrick?”

He didn’t answer her.

“I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

He heard George’s voice in the background and fought the urge to throw Billy’s phone. He disconnected the call. “This will be bad,” he said to himself.

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure you’re right.” Billy sipped his beer and peered over at Patrick. “You’ve been gone for over two months.”

“Almost three months.”

“You’re moving forward.”

“To get pulled back in.”

The friends easily fell right back into their familiar banter with one another. Even though he wasn’t happy about why he was in DC, it still felt like home.

“What if its mine?” Patrick asked, not looking at Billy.

Billy got up and took Patrick’s empty beer, walking into the kitchen to get them two more.

“Billy...”

“No, Patrick. I’m not discussing shit with you until you talk to El. You guys needed to hash this out months ago, but instead you stuck your dick in anything that could walk and then left.” Billy walked back to the den and sat another round of beers on the table. “I’m not blaming you; I would’ve done the same thing. I’m just saying you guys need to talk.”

“I’m so mad at her I don’t even...I can’t talk to her.”

“Then listen, dude. Just listen. When she’s done and leaves, we’ll talk.”

A soft knock sounded at the door and Billy drained his beer, put it on the table, and walked to the front door. “Hey, El.” He pulled her into a hug and whispered something in her ear Patrick couldn’t hear. “See you guys later.”

Patrick didn’t get up or give any indication that he was there. He was trying to get his scattered emotions under control before he even looked at her, because he knew once he looked at her he’d be lost. He inhaled deeply and looked at her, taking in every detail of her. Her face was flushed from the cold, she had on an emerald scarf that made her eyes bright and clear. Her grey sweater was tight and showed off her breasts, which were bigger than the last time he’d seen her. He couldn’t get the image of her walking away from him while he was begging her to love him out of his head.

“Patrick,” El said from the entry of the den. She didn’t even want to be in the same room as him. “I’m sorry.”

This pushed him to move quickly and he was in front of her in an instant. “You’re SORRY?!”

She stepped back, her eyes wide. She moved her chin down, nodding once. “I tried to call you so many times, but you’d never take my call.”

Patrick swallowed all of his questions, except one. “Is it mine?” His voice was clipped and full of pain.

She shook her head, looking down. His insides crumbled. It wasn’t his and he wanted it to be.

“Is. It. Mine?” he asked again, hoping the answer would be different this time. He framed her face with his hands and raised her head up to face him. “Say it! Say it and look me in the fucking face when you do.”

“No,” she blurted. Shaking her head, she started crying. “No.”

“I don’t believe you,” he spit coldly.

Her eyes went from full of sorrow to hard in a second. “Fuck you.”

“No, fuck you.” He pointed at her, his finger mere inches from her face.

She brushed past him and slumped on the couch. “I was four weeks pregnant at the beach. I’m four months along. I tried to tell you, but you wouldn’t take my fucking calls, asshole.”

Patrick stayed standing where he was, examining the front entryway. Billy had redecorated the front room, where Jamie’s blood had splattered over the walls and floor when he was shot. He shut out the thoughts as quickly as they entered his mind.

“Patrick. Please talk to me.”

“Honestly, I don’t know if I can.” Patrick gazed out the window to where he’d lain in the dirt, waiting to kill his friend.
Former friend.

He felt arms wrap around him from behind and he exhaled the breath he didn’t know he’d been holding. Her head pressed against his back. He fought his instinct to lean into her.

“I’m sorry. I wanted so badly to tell you.” Her voice was full of tears and emotion he couldn’t handle.

He couldn’t wrap his brain around his emotions in the last 20 hours. He turned around and embraced her, feeling the beginnings of a hard bump at her stomach. His stomach turned. “I think I hate you,” he muttered into her hair.

“I know.” She leaned back and looked at him in the eye. “But I love you enough for the both of us.”

His heart exploded in his chest. He felt it. She pulled him back in, her breasts were bigger now and felt good against him.
Fuck
.

“I’m so sorry, Patrick. I’m sorry for everything. I’d take it back if I could.”

He examined her. “Take what part back, El?”

Her eyes glistened with tears and she opened her mouth to tell him.

Patrick put his hand over her mouth. “Never mind. I don’t think I want to know.”

Patrick followed El into the Del Ray coffee house and they stood in line, silent. El kept turning around and looking at him with the saddest eyes he’d seen since he’d told her that Jamie was dead. Then she took his hand in hers and leaned into him. She smelled like home, like coconut. Her hair was longer and he fought to keep his hands from tangling in it. It’d been almost three months since he’d seen her and his heart seized just being near her. There was so much between them—lies, betrayal, guilt, fun, laughs and love. He fucking couldn’t stop loving her and it pissed him off. He needed to stop loving her.

“I’ve missed you so much,” she murmured, her voice low.

His resolve was melting away as she held his hand. He shook his head at her. “You don’t get to miss me.”

“Don’t I?” she asked with a smile. El released his hand all too soon and ordered a hot chocolate.

Patrick smirked at her.

She shrugged. “Some bullshit about caffeine not being good for the baby.”

Baby
.

Her baby with George.

Patrick tore his eyes from hers and looked at the chalkboard behind the glass case of pastries, pretending he didn’t know what he wanted. He ordered black coffee and they grabbed their mugs and walked to a couch in the corner.

“Look, Patrick...” El started.

Instinct took over and Patrick reached over to smooth out an errant raven strand that had fallen forward. Her eyes clouded over and then filled with tears. El looked into her mug, avoiding his gaze.

“El?”

“This baby makes me cryeee.” She laughed a bad fake laugh.

“Cryeee?”

“I cry over everything,” she said, wiping away tears that hadn’t fallen from her eyes.

“Well, you look like you’re doing well.” Patrick thought maybe they should stick to small talk and it was true, she was sort of glowing. He was heading back to Atlanta tomorrow, so maybe he’d just be okay with knowing the baby wasn’t his. She’d never been his and now this solidified the fact she never would be.

“I’m okay.” She took a sip of her hot chocolate and looked at him over the rim. “I don’t even know what to say to you, Patrick. I know this has got to have made your brain hurt—”

“I don’t know if I can talk to you about this yet,” Patrick interrupted. “I was sure two hours ago that we were going to have a baby.”

Her face disintegrated in front of him and she stood up and walked over to where all the sugar and spoons were and grabbed a pile of napkins. She wiped her tears away as she came back to the couch. “I honestly thought it’d be better to do this in public so I wouldn’t blubber. Epic fail.”

Patrick leaned back and away from her as she sat back down. He wasn’t going to cut her any slack.

“Patrick, you...you mean so much to me.”

“But not as much as George?”

“You mean as much to me as George.” El nodded, but wouldn’t meet his eyes. “You…