Heart Like Mine (11 page)

Two hands grabbed her shoulders and pulled her back. “Out of the way, Delaney.” She tripped backward but caught her balance as Millie took her place at the bedside. Nurses started hammering out words like
blood
and
platelets
and
stat
and
OR
and Delaney suddenly felt woozy as she watched a crowd of freakishly happy scrubs efficiently surround the little boy.

The scene dissolved into one from her past, and she reached for the wall so she didn't tip over.

She couldn't see what the nurses were doing, and the pace was an absolute frenzy. As she stood in the corner of the room, terrified, Joshua came striding in. She watched as he calmly took charge of the situation, and ten minutes later, the boy was off to the operating room, a pressure bandage of some sort on his thigh. His mother followed, twisting her hands as she practically ran down the hallway behind them.

Once the room cleared, Delaney let out her first audible breath, leaning on the empty bed so she didn't collapse. Then she noticed the blood. It was all over her hands, her arms, her skirt, her shoes. She swallowed hard.

“You okay?” Joshua's voice startled her from the doorway.

She raised her eyes, knowing she must look like she'd just come out a loser in the zombie apocalypse. Words failed her, though. She just held up her hands, looking at them like they belonged to someone else.

“I—think I need to clean up.”

He raised his eyebrows, walking quickly toward her. “I think you need to sit down.”

“No, I'm fine. I'm—fine. I'm sure I'm fine.”

“Delaney, you are deathly white right now. Sit.”

He pushed her gently into a chair, then put a warm hand on the back of her neck, urging her head forward.

“Head between your knees.”

“I'm not going to keel over.”

She was totally going to keel over.

“Yeah, you are. Please just do what I say. I'm a doctor, remember?”

“Okay, okay.” Delaney could feel the smile in his words. She let his hand push her head downward, but was surprised when it didn't leave her neck once she was safely in a don't-keel position. Instead, his fingers kneaded slowly, soothingly.

“Take a couple of deep, slow breaths.”

His voice was low, soft, calm, like one he'd use with a patient on the edge, and suddenly she felt ridiculous. Here he was in charge of an entire patient floor with thirty patients and ten nurses, and instead of taking care of any of them, he was stuck dealing with an interloper from finance who couldn't handle the sight of blood.

She pushed upward, and he slid his hand away from her neck.

“Easy does it. Take it slow.”

“I'm so sorry. You have way more important people to be taking care of right now.”

He laughed softly. “Is that what you think?”

“How can I not?” She pointed at the space where the bed had been, then out at the hallway. “Your nurses are scary efficient, by the way.”

“Yep. They are.” He nodded. “Best in the business. Just not enough of them.”

Her eyes skittered around the room, trying not to land again on the empty spot where the little boy's bed had been.

“Delaney.” His voice commanded her to look at him, and she couldn't—
not.

She took a shaky breath. “Is he going to be okay?”

“They're taking good care of him.”

She swallowed, wincing. She'd heard those words before, in another lifetime.

Her voice was quiet when she spoke. “Is that what you're trained to say? You know, so you don't have to answer yes or no?”

“It's the truth.”

“But is he?”

Joshua blew out a breath. “I don't know. Is that better? Is that what you want to hear?”

She put her head down, picturing the fear in the little boy's eyes. “No.”

“That's why I say the other.”

“Okay.” Her voice was barely a whisper. “Okay.”

He stepped back. “I need to get to the nurses' station and check on things. I'll send Millie down here. She'll show you where you can shower and put on some clean scrubs.”

“Thank you.”

“You did great, Delaney.”

“Right.” She swallowed. “I'm not—I didn't—oh, God.” She felt tears prickling behind her eyes, and she did everything she could not to let them seep out.

“Hey.” He stepped back toward her, putting his hand on her shoulder. “You did your best. That's all any of us can do.” His eyes searched hers. “Are you okay? Really?”

“Yes.” She nodded. “I'm … fine. Just need a moment.”

He squeezed her, then let go, but paused before he turned. “I'll send Millie down.”

As he left the room, Delaney felt her knees start shaking, then her thighs. All of the adrenaline that had fueled her through the past twenty minutes was still cruising around her system with no outlet, and as her fingers tingled, she wondered what it felt like to faint.

She took a deep breath, remembering Joshua's hand on her neck, his quiet words in her ear.

Dammit, this is why she sat on the sixth floor. And this is why med school had only been a pipe dream. She wasn't wired to handle this stuff. Wasn't equipped in the least.

Because creating a pseudo-spa with Charlotte yesterday wasn't pediatric-floor reality.

This
was reality.

*   *   *

Twenty minutes later, Delaney turned the water up hotter, nearly scorching her skin. She'd been in the pediatric floor's shower cubicle for ten minutes already, but still couldn't get the feel of the blood off her skin. Couldn't get the smell out of her nose. Couldn't get the sight of the poor little boy's frightened eyes out of her head.

She was still embarrassed at how close she'd been to fainting when Dr. Mackenzie had walked in. The sight of that blood … on her own hands … had brought her back to med school, back to the horrifying day she'd finally realized that though she'd graduated at the top of her undergrad class and was on a full scholarship, she just—didn't belong there.

She'd spent her entire childhood hearing hospital stories from her dad. He reveled in talking about new procedures, or tough cases he'd had, and through it all, she'd nodded and listened and tried to quell her gag reflex.

When it had come time to pick a college, his alma mater had come calling with a scholarship, and she'd accepted, thinking everything was falling into place just perfectly. Then she'd sailed through four years, got into her top-choice med school, and was pretty sure she was on her way to a stellar medical career.

But then came reality.

She'd run out of the dissection lab on a sunny April afternoon and showered until the water ran cold in her apartment. Then she'd waited an hour for the water heater to warm up the tank, and she'd done it again. She'd been dreading dissection since day one, but had somehow managed to power through … until the day they were supposed to work on hands.

As she'd stared down at the table, she hadn't been able to begin. While other body parts were just—parts, this wasn't. All she'd been able to think about was all of the projects these particular hands had done, the little heads they had comforted, the other hands they'd held.

And she just—hadn't been able to continue.

It had taken her a full week to tell her father she was dropping out, and she wasn't sure if he'd recovered even yet. Even though she was in the medical field like him, she wasn't a doctor, and to him, it just wasn't the same.

Getting her MBA hadn't quite impressed him, either, though she'd earned top scores and numerous academic awards. Dad just thought the degree was a waste of a good brain—one he'd been cultivating since she was born, in his mind. He'd never actually spoken those words, but she could just tell.

Because with her failure, his dreams of a Dr. Blair Junior had died not once, but twice.

*   *   *

“You going home tonight, doc?” Millie poked her head into Joshua's office later that afternoon.

Josh pinched the bridge of his nose as he looked at the clock.
Shit.
It wasn't afternoon anymore. “Just waiting for Ian to get back from surgery.”

“It's seven o'clock.”

“I know. It's been—a day. And you're still here, too, so no harassing me about my hours.”

“He'll be okay, Josh.”

“I know.” He sighed. “Something doesn't sit right on this one, Millie. I want good eyes on that room tonight.”

“Already handled. I've got Steph on him tonight. Ten-minute checks.”

Josh nodded. Steph was the best nurse on the evening shift.

“You need to go home, Josh. I can have her update you later, if that'll let you feel easier about leaving.”

“Ian's only part of my worries right now.”

She sat down heavily. “Delaney?”

“Yeah.”

“Heck of an introduction to the floor.”

Josh pictured Delaney earlier, looking like she was ready to collapse, but not wanting to admit it. Seeing her pale face and trembling fingers had triggered his protective instincts like nothing ever had before, and he still hadn't quite figured out why. Yes, his medical training had compelled him to get her head between her knees before she went down like a lead brick, but that wasn't what had kept his hand on her smooth neck—or kept his fingers stroking her silky hair.

As she'd sat there quivering, he'd been struck with guilt. It had been his idea to have her observe on the floor—his deal, in reality. And then she'd found herself in the middle of a big fat emergency, and it was his fault. She'd done her best—and he was pretty impressed that she'd held her shit together as well as she had—but it was clear to everyone that she was way out of her league down here.

He'd been completely out of line to guilt her into it.

Millie raised her eyebrows. “You think she'll be back?”

“I don't know.” He shook his head. “Wouldn't blame her if she decided today was enough.”

“Well, if she does come back, we need to get that girl some basic training. If she's going to be here, she needs to know what to do if something like this happens again.”

“She was doing her best, Millie.”

“I know, and we're lucky she's got a level head on her shoulders. But you and I both saw her face afterward. Next time, we might not be so lucky.”

“Agreed.”

“First thing I'm going to teach her is how to call for help.”

He sighed, exhausted by … everything. “I'm sure she didn't even have time to think. She just—acted.”

Millie looked at him for a long moment, not speaking. “Huh.”

“Don't
huh
me. I know that tone.”

A small smile appeared on her face before she had time to erase it and turn the other way. “Either way, if she shows up in the morning, I own her for the first hour. If she's going to hang out on this floor, where things
do
happen, I want her to know what to do about them.”

“Promise you won't scare her?”

Millie appraised him again. “I may be wrong, but I don't think
scared
is the primary emotion Miss Fancy Pants is feeling right now, honey.”

 

Chapter 10

“You okay?” Megan stopped short as she walked into Delaney's office with a pile of paperwork an hour later. “Why are you still here? It's eight o'clock. And why are you in
scrubs
?”

Delaney looked up. “You don't want to know. Why are
you
still here?”

“I asked you first.” Megan sat down, flopping the papers onto Delaney's desk. “But I'll give you my standard answer. I work for a slave driver.”

“Poor girl.”

“I know. But wait till you see what I got done today. You might actually be able to leave before midnight.”

“You're totally getting a raise.”

“Don't say that around Dr. Mackenzie. If he finds out you're funneling pediatric funds to your assistant, it will never fly.”

“I'm not—shut up. I'm too tired to tell whether you're kidding.”

Megan eyed her carefully. “No offense, Laney, but you look like hell. Tough day at the office?”

“Something like that.”

“Did today convince you that you don't want to be a nurse when you grow up?”

“Today certainly didn't make me change my mind.”

Delaney shivered, remembering the way the nurses had surrounded Ian's bed—remembering how he'd disappeared from her view, just like Parker had.

Megan sat back. “So what's it really like down there?”

“Busy. It's just—busy. I don't think I ever realized how many ways kids can be so sick.”

“Sounds depressing.”

“It is.” Delaney thought about the kids she'd met over the past two days, and the parents. The fear on the floor was practically palpable. So many tests, so many treatments, so much damn waiting.

“Are you still planning to stay down there all week?”

“As much as I really, really don't want to at this point, I honestly can't believe how much I've learned just by being on the floor for two days. If Dr. Mackenzie will still have me, I really need to stick out the week.”

“Because it's going to help you make better decisions about your budget proposal? Or because you get to spend more time with Dr. Hottie?”

“The first, obviously.” She looked down at her scrubs. “But I think I need a different wardrobe. The head nurse suggested I not show up in civilian clothes again.”

Megan raised her eyebrows. “Does this mean you need to go scrubs shopping?”

“No. We have plenty of them right here at the hospital. Closets full, actually. I had no idea.”

“You know you look like a surgeon in those, right?”