Heart of Glass (10 page)

“
I suppose there’s no
choice but will you be able to come to the Christmas Ball with me?
I don’t want to go unless you’re my partner.”

“
Wouldn’t miss it for the
world.”

“
The best part about the
Christmas Ball is afterwards. The girls who attend are allowed to
stay out all night to see the sunrise, no questions asked. It’s a
tradition. We can be alone together for a whole night.”

“
Then I’ll plan something
special, we’ll make it a night to remember.”

Pulling away, he opened the
door of the car. “I have to go. It’s a long drive home.”

“
Will you call me when you
get home?” My eyes appealed. A lone tear trickled down my cheek. I
made no attempt to wipe it away. “I miss you already.”

“
Geez, don’t make this any
harder, Bel’. I don’t want to go either but you know I’m always
with you. If you need me, I’ll come. I promise. My heart is
yours.”

“
Ben?”

“
Hmm?”

“
I love you.”

The deafening silence that
followed filled the space between our lips. He dashed for the car
so fast it was hard to believe that a moment before I'd been in his
arms. Clearly, the ‘L’ word was as taboo as marrying your
sister.

“
I’ll see you at
Christmas,” he said.

Chapter 9

LONG AND WINDING
ROAD

Don’t leave me standing
here

Lead me to your
door.

The Beatles

If you dangle the promise of
ball gowns and dream dates to a group of ninety-three hormonal
girls, you’re bound to be met with a favourable reaction. Frenzied
and overexcited, but favourable all the same. Such was the case
during October and November at St. Brigid’s School for Girls. As
the end of year descended upon us, we began preparations for final
gradings and exams. But the importance of these paled in comparison
to the excitement generated by the Christmas Ball. Even the fact
that I was a leper was of no great consequence. That Ball and the
hunt for the perfect ‘come-and-get-me-dress’ were foremost in my
mind. I wanted to look perfect. Yes, I'd decided Ben and I were
going to make love under the stars. It was to be my secret
Christmas gift to him.

True to his word, Ben rang
me as often as he could. I would have liked to return to favour but
the fire-breathing dragon that patrolled his house (his mum) had
threatened to scorch my insides if she caught us on the phone
again. She didn’t like me. I didn’t have to be a rocket scientist
to figure that out.

“
What’s new Pussycat? How
are you?” he asked.

I throbbed. I always
throbbed when Ben called me Pussycat.

“
I’m fine. I miss you
heaps. Are your parents out?”

We both knew the score. Ben
wasn’t meant to be talking to me. I was a distraction in his plans.
But he was old enough to make up his own mind, and to try to
justify the enormous phone bill from our clandestine
conversations.

“
They’ve gone to a dinner.
I wish I was with you, talking on the phone isn’t the same as
having you in my arms and kissing you all over.”

It was my turn to smile.
Trust him to bring sex into the conversation. “That would be
nice.”

“
It would be more than
nice, Pussycat.”

I blushed and twirled the
phone cord between my fingers. For some reason, I found intimacy
awkward even if it was over the phone. How was I going to surrender
my virginity if I couldn’t even hold a lewd conversation without
blushing? I changed the subject.

“
I heard a new song the
other day. It’s our song, Ben. I’ve sent you the single in the
mail. It’s called Babe. It’s by Styx.”

“
Not some soppy romance
trash, is it?”

“
Yes, but this one is about
us….wait till you play it. I know you’ll think of me.”

I heard him groan. “Geez,
Bella. It’s all I ever seem to do.”

“
Good. I like to be fresh
in your memory. You studying hard?”

“
Yeah. A few more weeks and
it’ll be over.”

I was silent. Success in the
exams would be bittersweet, for Ben would leave to live in
Melbourne and I would never see him again. If he failed, on the
other hand, we could stay together. But what good would that be? I
didn’t want his dream to be crushed.

“
What about you?” he
asked.

“
I’ve been super busy.”
Apart from the dress, there were shoes, handbags, nails and hair to
consider. I needed a bigger budget and Mum wasn’t coming to the
party. According to her, I wouldn’t even remember the night in five
years, so why waste the money. I knew she was wrong. The ball was
to be a night I would never forget.

“
I hope you have time to
think of me,” he said.

“
You know I do. Sometimes
too much.”

“
What do you think
about?”

I quivered at the soft tone
of his voice. “Kissing you. What about you?”

“
You know what
I
think about, Pussycat.
You just won’t let me do it.”

“
Ben!”

I heard him chuckle. “You’re
blushing aren’t you? Sometimes you’re so straight.”

***

It was a Long and Winding
Road that lead to the Ball, and about a month before it began to
take some unexpected turns. One day the path was smooth and a week
later, it had more twists and bumps than a country lane. The
incident that began it all, of course, involved Lucy. Didn’t the
world, after all, revolve around her self-absorbed slutty
persona?

All I could think about, as
I ran along the hall to Biology, was Ben and the Ball. Who cared if
the rest of the world ignored me, if I had Ben nothing else
mattered. The girls could tie me to the flag post and force me to
wear Kmart shoes and I wouldn’t care. Tiptoeing over to my seat
next to Lucy, I prayed that my lateness wouldn’t be noticed. The
class were sitting with their frozen frogs on trays before them,
readying themselves to make the first incision.

Mrs Gibson, a spidery woman
with white hair, that we were sure was permanently superglued into
the bun on top of her head, looked up over her glasses, noting the
time by tapping the face of her watch.

“
I presume you have some
reason for your late arrival, Annabelle? Your lab partner has been
waiting for you.”

“
Sorry, Miss Gibson. I got
held up.” The old duck would have blown a gasket if she knew the
reason for my lateness was because I had been in the library
finishing a letter to Ben.

“
See that it doesn’t happen
again.”

“
Yes, Miss
Gibson.”

As we followed the
instructions for the procedure, a quiet hum of conversation spread
around the room and Lucy leaned close. Her face was pale and drawn,
not her usual ‘Queen-of- the-School’ self. “I’m glad we’re partners
for this assignment.”

Her scalpel gleamed in my
eye. Jack the Ripper probably said that to his victims,
too.

“
Look, I know I was a bitch
to you about Ben. I want to apologise for everything. I’m truly
sorry and I hope it goes well for you, really I do….” She looked as
if she was going to cry I hoped she would. It would make my day to
see her blubber a bit.

“…
.Can you ever forgive
me?”

My scalpel fell onto the
tray with a metallic clang and I stared at her over the dead frog.
Her mouth was twisted into some sort of maniacal grin. At any
moment she’d thrust that scalpel into my heart and Ben would be
hers for eternity. I was puzzled. We had been thrust together for
the assignment by some strange twist of fate. I’d never expected to
have to make conversation. What did she want me to say?

During the lesson, I watched
her being nice to everyone, thereby creating the first rut in the
road. It was impossible for me to be mean when she was acting all
angelic. Her niceness even filtered into the unchartered waters of
the nerdy group, who were as bewildered as I. Derision and snide
remarks were so commonplace as Lucy’s blondeness flew by, that they
didn’t notice them any more. As we picked up our books and headed
for English, I decided that it was probably time to
speak.

“
Apology accepted, Lucy.
But you should know you hurt me. I never did anything to deserve it
and none of the lies you spread are true. Everyone thinks I’m some
sort of tart.”

“
I know, I’ll tell them it
was all lies. I’m sorry. Can we be friends again?”

“
I guess so.”

We continued to walk in
silence. It was the best that Lucy could expect from me for a very
long time.

***

It was when the potholes
came that I panicked. The ball was in five days and my partner had
gone A.W.O.L. A nagging feeling inside warned me that something was
wrong. Something even more dire than Lucy transforming into Miss
Congeniality, and that was bad enough. I tried to call Ben only to
be headed off, at the pass, by the dragon. It was a sad reflection
on her imagination when the best excuse she could invent was “he’s
indisposed.” I may have been young but I was never considered
stupid. Why wouldn’t Ben talk to me? Had I scared him off with the
‘L’ word? The insecurities I had felt came rushing back and the
potholes got deeper and deeper. I wasn’t pretty enough. I wasn’t
old enough. And worst of all…. Oh my God… I was frigid!

“
Ben’s a liar,” I said, as
I picked the soggy tomato from my roll while Lucy and I ate lunch.
In truth, it was me eating lunch, as Lucy watched. She’d been off
her food a bit recently. Some sort of stomach bug. “He didn’t mean
a word of the things he said. He never wanted to be my
escort.”

“
Haven’t you heard from him
yet?”

“
No, and Mum’s breathing
down my neck. I can’t hold her off much longer.”

Lucy chewed on her manicured
nail. “Have you tried Paul?”

“
I did, but it’s so hard to
have a conversation with him, since he and Prue have become Siamese
twins. I can’t believe Mrs Sullivan lets him stay over when he’s in
the city. Hell would have to freeze over before Mum would let Ben
sleep within ten blocks of our house.”

“
That’s only because Mrs S.
is so happy someone has shown interest in her ‘frumpy’ daughter. My
mother wouldn’t give a shit where I was, as long as I go to church
on Sundays.”

Don’t forget confession, I
thought. Lucy’s confessions could keep the church in
business.

“
Well, anyway, Paul said he
hasn’t seen Ben since the exams.”

Lucy hesitated. “I’m not
going to the ball, you could stay home with me.”

I knew that she’d become
withdrawn of late, refusing to share her misery but this was way
out of character.

“
Why? What’s
wrong?”

“
There’s nothing wrong, I’m
fine.”

“
So, why are you spending
so much time in your room, then?” I didn’t know what was up with
her but there was only so many times in a week a girl had to shave
her legs and Lucy refusing a chance to dress up was about as likely
as the Pope standing up and announcing he was no longer
Catholic.

“
Why won’t you go to the
ball with Dan? He’ll be so upset.”

“
It’s none of your
business. I don’t want to go to the ball, that’s all. I’m
absolutely fine.”

What a joke, I could see she
wasn’t.

***

With four days to go until
the Ball, I was knee deep in dread. I couldn’t face the Ball if I
had no partner. Then I heard a voice on the other end of the phone,
though muffled and quiet, I knew it was Ben.

“
Where are you?”

“
I’m in the hall cupboard.”
He sneezed. “It’s so dusty in here and the smell of
fertilizer

from Mum’s gardening boots
is rank.”

“
Why’re you in the
cupboard?”

The boy was eighteen after
all. Hadn’t he heard of public telephones?

“
Fuck Bella, it’s all such
a mess… Hang on, I have to get these coats away from my face.” I
heard him straining. “Everything’s going wrong. I passed my exams
but I didn’t get enough subjects to get my matriculation
certificate, so I have to repeat Year 12. The folks are fuming.
They’ve forbidden me from seeing you. They threatened to send me to
a boarding school next year to repeat.”

Poor Ben, his parents put so
much pressure on him to succeed. Then it hit me. This wasn’t poor
Ben, it was poor me. “But the Ball is in four days. What’re we
going to do?”

“
I don’t know, I’ll think
of something. Don’t worry, okay? The main thing is to stay
calm.”

As if! My life was about to
end, how could I remain calm? Hanging up the phone, I ran to my
room and threw myself to the bed, sobbing until my gut wrenched in
pain. My life was ruined. Ben’s parents would never
reconsider.

When I missed dinner that
night, Mum was instantly suspicious.  Sitting herself on the
end of my bed, she put down the tea towel and studied my tears
stained face.