Heart of Rockies 03 - More Than a Feeling (23 page)

“I’m not sure I want to go somewhere you won’t be,” he murmured, the last of the words drowning in another seductive kiss.

Desperation surged through her as she kissed him back, and she fisted his shirt, pulling him in closer, tighter.
Stay,
she silently begged, but that was so selfish. He deserved to go, he deserved to find the life he’d always wanted. Instead of answering, instead of risking too much truth coming out of her mouth, she kissed him in a way she’d remember forever, losing herself in the taste of him, in the stunning rhythm of his mouth moving over hers.

“God, it’s hard for me to keep my hands off you,” he sighed, his skilled lips working their way down her neck.

Her head tipped to the side. “What makes you think you have to keep your hands off me?”

He pulled back. “I want to be careful with you, Ruby,” he said, as though he had to remind himself.

But she was so damn tired of being careful. This man made her want to be brave again. He’d made her brave, little by little. In the pool. On that ropes course. He made her believe she didn’t have to be the woman who’d let a man hurt her.

“Sawyer…” She raised her hands to his face and guided his warm, delicious mouth back to hers. “Don’t be careful,” she whispered pushing him against the counter. Because she’d finally let down her guard and she wanted this night with him.

No matter what it cost her.

Smiling an invitation she ran her hands up that crisp, starched shirt of his, tugging it loose from his pants while she kissed her way up his neck.

He uttered a helpless grunt, then his hand palmed the back of her head, and this time the kiss wasn’t gentle. It was sensual and deep…consuming. His breath was hot in her mouth, his tongue soft and swift, tracing her lips, claiming her entire body.

His hands slipped low to her hips, then under her shirt, gliding up her skin.

Choppy breaths stuttered out of her, along with a whimper. God, she wanted him to take her somewhere else. Somewhere they were both free…

As he raised her shirt up, she wriggled out of it and let it fall to the floor.

“You’re beautiful.” His finger traced from her collarbone down to the valley between her breasts, and thank goodness she’d worn the white lacy bra.

Sawyer’s lips pressed into her neck and he kissed his way down, the shadow of scruff scraping her skin. He somehow unclasped her bra and slipped it off her shoulders.

Oh, lordy.
That mouth. Those lips. That tongue. He covered every inch of her chest quite thoroughly, until the heat pulsing between her legs seemed to fill all of her.

She fumbled with the fastener on his work pants and it popped open. Easy access, those official officer pants…

Her fingertips descended his muscled lower abdomen until her hand slipped beyond the elastic of his boxer briefs, and when she caressed him, he shuddered against her.

“Ruby…oh, god.” His lips nuzzled her neck. “Tell me to stay.”

“What?” She pulled her hands to her sides, trying to breathe, trying to steady herself, but that was impossible. The foundation of her whole façade was shaking, crumbling. “What, Sawyer?”

“Give me a reason to stay,” he said, running his thumb down her cheek.

Her heart thumped wildly in her ears. Lordy. Oh, lordy, she couldn’t do this to him. Crossing her arms over her bare chest, she stepped back. “I can’t.” Her head shook. “I can’t give you a reason to stay.” He
shouldn’t
stay. No matter how badly she wanted to, she couldn’t make him any promises. She couldn’t plan for a future with anyone…

“You have to go,” she said through a smile that made her hurt. “This is the opportunity of a lifetime for you. For your career.” And she wouldn’t take that away from him.

“I’d stay,” he said, tugging her back to him. “If I had a reason.” His hands cupped her jaw and he pulled her into another kiss, but a crushing weight squeezed her heart. He deserved more than this. “Sawyer. Wait. We have to stop.”

His hands let her go, sliding slowly down her abdomen before resting on her hips.

“I’m sorry,” she croaked. “This can’t happen. Not right now.” There were too many lies. She was hiding a missing dog in her bedroom. He didn’t even know her real name. She couldn’t sleep with him. Not like this.

“It can’t?” He almost sounded like he’d been hit in the balls with a rolling pin again.

She cupped her hands on his jaw, looking in his eyes so he could see how badly she wanted him. But…“It’s too fast, that’s all. We hardly know each other.” Well, that wasn’t exactly true. She knew most everything about him. He just knew nothing about her.

A sigh lowered his head until his forehead rested lovingly against hers. “I wish you’d talk to me.” He brushed a light kiss on her lips. “I wish you’d tell me what you’re running from.”

He made it sound so simple, but how could she risk her past ruining his future? “I think you should go.” She ground her jaw against the threatening tears. “I’m sorry.”

But he shook his head. “You have nothing to apologize for, Ruby,” he said, the words weighted with a familiar sadness.

If only that were true.

Y
ou want me to do
what
?” Ruby peered over the edge of the zipline’s wooden platform. The rocky ground had to be a good twenty feet below her. Then again, it was kind of hard to tell, seeing as how she’d suddenly gotten dizzy.

“You have to go first so you can be there to help the kids when they come down,” Sawyer explained patiently, with that same blank look in his eyes that’d been there all afternoon.

How did he remain so indifferent when she thought about last night’s little tryst every time she happened to glance at his shorts?

“It’s not as terrifying as it looks. I swear.” Even his voice had that distant ring, like he hardly knew her.

Ouch.
Though she supposed she deserved it. It was better this way. It was better if she pulled away so he would leave Aspen.

“You’ll be fine, Ruby.” He knelt in front of her and slipped his fingers underneath the harness straps that cinched against her upper thighs.

Hello!

“Does it feel tight enough?” he asked, giving the straps a good yank.

“Um. Yes,” she squeaked. The harness wasn’t the only thing feeling tight. It was like the more she pushed the man away, the more her body ached for him. After he left her kitchen last night, she’d had to hide her cell phone in the couch cushions so it wouldn’t be easy for her to call him and ask him to come back over so she could tell him everything and they could finish what they’d started.

Sawyer stood and backed away from her, that expansive chest of his tenser than normal.

The kids were all edged against the platform’s railing as though they feared the height as much as she did. She looked up at the heavy cable that was strung from the tree next to her all the way down to another wooden platform about halfway down the mountain.

“When you get down there, go ahead and unhook your harness clip from the cable and I’ll send Brooklyn down next.”

The girl squeaked and clutched her fists under her mouth. “It’s so far! I don’t think I can do it!”

“Sure you can,” Sawyer insisted, kneeling in front of her. Ever since the confrontation at breakfast yesterday, he’d been unbelievably sweet to all the kids. But especially to Brooklyn. He’d carried her backpack all the way to the zipline for her. He’d made sure she was always included, first in line…

Now Sawyer was on his knees peering up into the girl’s face like a defenseless daddy. “I won’t let anything happen to you, Brookie. I promise. You’ll be safe.”

The girl’s face erupted into the biggest smile Ruby had ever seen. Brooklyn threw her arms around Sawyer’s neck, seemingly forgiving him for upsetting her yesterday.

It was enough to make Ruby’s uterus ache. Yet another reason she had to let him go. She couldn’t carry a baby, and Sawyer deserved to have kids.

As he hugged Brooklyn back, his gaze caught Ruby’s, and that distance that’d been there earlier faded. Something unfathomably deep passed between them, but she looked away as though she didn’t feel that hard tug in her heart.

“You ready for this?” he asked her, moving his hand toward her like he wanted to rest it on her arm. Instead it stopped awkwardly inches away.

Blood pumped hard through her heart, warm and thick. “Yes.” When his eyes were on hers, she could be ready for anything. Any. Thing.

A small smile made him look like a sexy renegade as he went to work clipping her up to the device thingie attached to the cable. “It’ll be fast,” he told her. “Make sure you hold on and wait to unclip until the stopper catches.”

“Mmmm-kay,” she murmured, still intoxicated by his closeness, his ruggedness, his pure manliness. By the memory of his mouth against her skin…

“Be careful!” Brooklyn threw her arms around Ruby’s waist. “Please don’t die!”

“She’ll be fine.” Sawyer’s great big masculine hand swallowed Brooklyn’s. “Let’s give her a countdown,” he said in a way that seemed to evaporate the girl’s fear. “Ready?” His brows shot up.

“Ready!” Brooklyn squealed, gripping his hand tight.

Everyone else gathered around.

“Five…four…”

“Wait!” Ruby gripped the cable in front of her with her glove-clad hands. “Can’t we count down from twenty? Or thirty?”
Or three thousand?

“Two!” Sawyer shouted, inching closer to her. “One!” He gave her shoulder a tight squeeze, then nudged her off the platform and her feet were groundless.

Wind whipped her hair into her face, her eyes. “I can’t see!” she screamed. But did the sound escape her lips? Because she couldn’t breathe. The world zoomed past her, the trees and rocks and dirt a blurred haze.

Hold on! Hold on!
She tightened her grip and forced herself to lift her head. Even though it was fast and terrifying and so out of control, it was beautiful. The world was beautiful. She could see all the way down the valley, to the town. The colors seemed more luminous—the dark green trees glowing, the glistening blue sky bubbling above her as if it had turned liquid.

Her eyes burned and watered with the wind. Or was it tears? Because the world was below her and she was free of it. Free of everything.

Slam! The momentum stopped instantaneously. She looked around to make sure she hadn’t slammed into a brick wall. Turned out she hadn’t. The stopper had simply caught her and now she was dangling over another wooden platform.

“Woo hoo!”

Behind her, on the upper platform, all the kids cheered. And Sawyer. Louder than any of them.

After unclipping herself and teetering around the platform on her wooden legs, she waved at them. “It’s so fun!” she yelled.

She watched Sawyer clip in Brooklyn, then raised both thumbs into the air as the girl stepped to the edge of the platform. Hope bloomed in her heart. Sawyer’s little chat with the kids yesterday may have dampened the mood, but it hadn’t ruined anything for them. These past ten days would still be some of the best memories these kids had. And good, positive, wonderful memories were the one thing no one else could ever take away from them.

Tears clouded her eyes as she watched Brooklyn sail toward her, screeching with delight. She stepped back, ready to receive the girl into her arms.

When she came to a stop, Brooklyn was laughing and crying. “That was so amazing,” she sniffled. “So, so, so amazing.”

“You were brave,” Ruby said, unclipping her harness. “I’m proud of you, Brooklyn.”

The girl beamed, making her eyes as bright as the sun. Or maybe even brighter. She hugged Ruby tight. “I never want to leave. Never.” Her little voice was muffled against Ruby’s sleeve. “Can’t I stay here? With you and Sawyer? You could adopt me…”

“Oh, honey.” Her heart bled. “You don’t know how much I want that.” But she was living a lie. She couldn’t adopt a child with a fake identity…

“I don’t want to go back to my foster house. They don’t love me.” She sniffled. “They don’t want me.”

“I’m sure that’s not true.” But the words were rotten in her mouth. Because she knew how it felt to wonder if the people you lived with really cared—if they
wanted
you there or if they were only putting a roof over your head for the money it brought in.

No child should ever have to wonder about something like that.

Taking the girl’s hand, she led her to the edge of the platform, right next to the rail so the others would have plenty of room to land. “I’ll tell you what,” she said softly. “I’ll give you my email and phone number, and you can call me anytime you need someone to talk to. Okay?”

The girl nodded slowly, her eyes round and sad.

“Anytime. I don’t care if it’s two o’clock in the morning. I’ll always answer the phone when I see your number.”

“Okay,” Brooklyn said, smiling a little. “I guess that’s good.”

“And I’ll talk to your foster parents about visiting sometimes,” she added, because she knew how much this girl needed someone in her life. Someone who’d be there even when she had to move again.

“You promise?” Brooklyn gasped. “You’ll visit me?”

“I’ll do everything in my power to make that happen.” Even if she had to get on her knees and beg the girl’s foster parents.

She’d find a way to make it happen.

Sawyer climbed down the platform’s ladder and dropped to the ground. He was sweaty, dusty, tired, and his hands ached from fastening and unfastening carabiners all day, but the ecstatic looks on the kids’ faces made every second worth it.

And then there was
her
.

He watched Ruby walk past and he had to lock his jaw so it wouldn’t hang open. After last night he knew the perfection of those curves, the sweet taste of her skin. He knew, and now he couldn’t touch her—couldn’t hardly look at her without that jolt of need softening his knees.

But she’d told him to go.
I can’t give you a reason to stay
. Maybe she couldn’t find the words, but her actions betrayed her—the way she clung to him, the way she smiled at him, the way she wrapped herself into him. Her body sure seemed to want him around. So maybe she’d said she didn’t want him to stay, but he wasn’t sure he believed her.

He wasn’t sure he wanted to walk away from her, either. Ruby had a tenderhearted depth that drew him in, and knowing she had been mistreated made him want to stay and protect her.

Every time he watched her sail down that cable, red glistening hair whipping in the wind and sun, an open-mouthed smile beaming from her face, he’d been mesmerized. He loved seeing her let go. Loved seeing her soar above the trees like she was carefree and light, unburdened by the things that haunted her. God, he wished she’d let him help her. He didn’t want to force her. He wanted her to trust him enough to tell him everything.

And despite the fact that she’d kicked him out last night, they were getting closer. No matter what she said, no matter how many times she threw him out, he wouldn’t stop trying.

The kids were all preoccupied with trying to chase a monarch butterfly that had fluttered into the midst of their circle, which gave him the perfect opportunity to tromp over to where Ruby bent, attempting to remove her harness.

“Need some help?” he asked, gazing down at her mile-long legs.

“Oh.” Her head snapped up. Didn’t take long for a blush to engulf that fair skin of hers.

The same heat flowed through him.

“No, thanks.” She finished loosening the straps, then stood, stepping out of the harness the way she might step out of a lacy thong.

An internal groan echoed, but he raised his eyes to hers to keep himself in check. She’d made it clear that she wasn’t ready for anything more physical than a kiss, and he had to respect that.

But he didn’t have to like it.

“Nice job out there today,” he said when he realized he’d been awkwardly quiet for too long.

That shy smile settled into her cheeks. “Thanks. It was pretty amazing.” A thrill flickered in her eyes. “So fast. And high. I can see why people love adrenaline so much.” Her skin was still flushed, making her look alive and warm.

The temptation to touch her almost overpowered him.

“You were great with the kids, too.” He shuffled a step closer. Not too close. Not too far? “They love you,” he said, then added, “and I can see why.”

Not only because she was fun but also because she was compassionate. Both careful and wise. It was obvious she lived deeply, lived in a way he’d feared to live since he’d lost his son. Somehow Ruby had taken the terrible things that had happened to her and let them teach her how to live.

“The kids are incredible,” she finally replied, looking over at the group, who were now engaged in some kind of hip-hop dance-off. She smiled, but her eyes were far away and misty. “I wouldn’t mind taking them all home.” With a shake of her head she looked embarrassed. “I mean. That’s ridiculous, but if I could give them a home, I would. I’d give them…” The words trailed off and he read between the lines. She’d give them a home like she’d never had.

“You’ll make a great mom someday.” The words flew out past his internal filter.

A sigh rushed from her lips and she turned away from him as though she didn’t want him to see her face.

What had he said? Before he could ask, Brooklyn ran up between them.

“Ruby…Javon said there’s no way you’re gonna visit me,” the girl cried, aiming an accusatory glare at Javon, who held up his hands.

“What?” he demanded. “That’s impossible. You people can’t just drop in and visit us whenever you want. There’s rules about that kind of thing.”

Sawyer’s mouth dropped. “Visit you?” he asked, just to make sure he’d heard right.

Brooklyn’s head bobbed in an emphatic nod. “Ruby promised she’d visit me! And she’s gonna give me her phone number so I can call her whenever I want!”

“Wow.” He tried to infuse it with some enthusiasm, but concern worked its way through. Avoiding Ruby’s eyes, he stacked up the harnesses and plopped the box in Javon’s hands. “Hey, why don’t you guys head back to the lodge and warn Elsie we’re on our way for dinner? Leave the harnesses on the deck.”

“Come on!” Brooklyn snatched Ruby’s hand, but Sawyer tugged her away and nudged the girl toward Neveah instead.

“We’ll be right behind you,” he said.

Javon whistled low. “I think they need some
alone
time.” He snickered while the rest of the kids made kissing sounds.

“Yeah, let’s give them some time alone,” Neveah sang, sweeping an arm around Brooklyn and leading her up the hill.

Sawyer cleared his throat. “So apparently we’re not as subtle as I thought.”

If her narrowed eyes were any indication, it didn’t look as though Ruby wanted to talk about him and her. He could already see her defenses rising.

She posted her hands on her hips. “Don’t lecture me about supporting these kids, Sawyer,” she said before he could speak.

“I won’t lecture you, but…” He tried to come up with a gentle way to say it. Except most of his training had revolved around being blunt. Maybe he should try a hostage negotiation class sometime.

A tilt of her head prompted him.

He relented with a sigh. “I think you should be careful, that’s all.”

She flinched. “Careful?”