Heart of Tantric Sex (14 page)

Relaxing into sexual energy

The response to relaxation is innate; we are born with it. I sometimes call it the sixth sense. If one person is fully relaxed and present the other person will automatically be affected and become more relaxed and present themselves. For instance, when a woman relaxes deeply in lovemaking, without actually doing anything but focusing on receiving and being present instead, automatically her partner will become more conscious, sensitive, and loving. He will naturally align with the present, and thoughts of orgasm will not even arise. Instead a magical doorway opens and the man perceives something completely different happening to him. It is an unforgettable experience. For the first time he has been able to make love without effort or tension. It is more of a dance, a sensuous winding of bodies. So never feel that you must wait for the other to relax before you can; relaxation starts with you first and foremost.

Accumulated tensions held in the body have an exhausting effect on it, so when couples change the way they make love, and begin to relax, they often report feeling very tired, real sleepiness, the desire to collapse or an actual physical weakness in the muscles. Perhaps they even experience low blood pressure. This is a sure sign that relaxation is beginning. The old tensions are surfacing through the tiredness, and it is not a cause for alarm. The chronic unfelt fatigue surfaces acutely, and in this way is released from the body. It is very beneficial. Take plenty of rest, and do not be in a hurry to go somewhere or do something. When relaxation in sex is achieved, it is the closest you can actively get to the foundation of your energy system. Relaxation here at the source will have a ripple effect on every level: mind, body, and spirit. The benefits are almost immediate without having to do more or less than make love.

In essence, when we are no longer hooked or driven by our sexual desires, when mind and body can truly relax into the present moment and its glory, we experience the backflow of our own sexual energy. Instead of forcing it to a release, we relax and allow the energy to languidly fall back on itself, and then rise inward and upward. In this way relaxation is essential to Tantra. It requires an unhurried and timeless approach; if you have made love for three or four hours or more, you will know the deep sense of peace and love it brings. This rare quality radiates from within you.

An effortless surrender

Time is only important when we have an objective to fulfill, somewhere to go. Without such aims, there is absolutely no need to hurry. You can relax and take a long, slow walk, enjoying sensual delights and so lift sex to a new frequency. Through this relaxation the sexual energy is reabsorbed by the body. Set aside a few hours so that you do not have to think about the time because time always brings tension. Through this, relaxation will be easier. Be playful, touch, caress, kiss. Take time to know each other physically and allow an attunement to arise between the bodies, let it be a slow, gradual coming together. What we are trying to create within our bodies is a tranquil environment, not an excited one. It's an important step if you wish to experiment with sex as an uplifting force. It is the difference between pleasure and ecstasy! Through making the initial effort of
not
making an effort in sex, a kind of ease emerges, a surrendering to the life force as it begins to move through the bodies with magnetic intelligence, seeking and searching completion through the other. As we relax more and more into sex, we find the refreshing quality of relaxation pervading our lives, making us alert, joyful, loving, and creative.

 B 
ECAUSE THE SEXUAL ORGANS are full of the accumulated tension of past experiences, they are no longer able to function according to their true polarity. Having lost their innate sensitivity, the vaginal walls are not found to be in their natural state; moist and slippery like the inside of the oyster. Instead of the texture one feels when eating soft fleshy coconut, they have become toughened and unyielding from years of friction. In the same way, a man's penis, which in its natural state is snake-like, firm and flexible, can become hard and rigid, almost metallic, as it swells, full of energy that cannot be rightly channeled into a woman.

This tension in the genitals, which has affected the male and female polarity, must gradually be dissolved and emptied out so that the original polarities can be restored. The penis must once again become a vehicle for generating and transmitting energy into a woman, while the vagina becomes capable of inviting, absorbing, receiving, and circulating this male energy. As the penis and vagina become more relaxed, freed of their restricting tensions, the positive energy of the male and the negative energy of the female begin to challenge each other, with a pushing and pulling effect, creating a delicate and ecstatic magnetic sexual exchange, far more penetrating than the pleasures of friction-based sex could ever be.

A good way to start restoring polarity is to attempt soft penetration—yes, without an erection! This idea is often greeted with laughter and disbelief, but it is a reality, the penis can go inside when it is not erect and it feels remarkably wonderful. It can be inserted by the woman or the man. Importantly, soft penetration also takes the pressure off the man by disproving the assumption that the penis must be erect in order to make love. Managing to insert the relaxed penis in the vagina is a knack that takes some practice, but it is well worth it. Furthermore, if a man is having difficulties in achieving an erection without stimulation, or if he suffers from impotence, soft penetration means that he can still enter a woman and make love to her.

When the penis is inserted in its relaxed state, the man is given the opportunity to be more present, since the pressure of having to have an erection can often lead to psychological distress or sexual fantasy. With soft penetration this pitfall is eliminated. In conventional sex the man, according to his positive polarity, will usually be ready for sex well before the woman whose sexual temperature is naturally lower. Through soft penetration this difference can be overcome, and the man and woman can warm up together, the genitals slowly greeting and growing into fullness. The penis can become erect
inside
the vagina in direct response to the vaginal environment, which creates an entirely different quality of sexual energy to that of penetration with erection. The genitals have a chance to attune to each other without the pressure of having to make something happen. This lack of pressure to perform begins to restore balance to the penis and vagina; accumulated tensions are emptied out, slowly returning to their naturally responsive state.

Take the time to love consciously

It is possible that in the beginning it may be difficult to feel anything at all in the penis or the vagina, let alone something interesting or pleasurable. Suddenly you are in a gap. Imagine that someone is rubbing your back vigorously for several minutes and they suddenly stop. It wouldn't be so easy to feel the motionless hand at first. It would take a while to sense the energy and warmth spreading from the hand into your back, because it is infinitely more subtle than the heat created through the friction of rubbing. Likewise, if the genitals are accustomed to friction as a way of communicating, the contrast of no movement or less movement will initially produce less feeling. The subtle tingling electrical sensitivity between the penis and vagina during soft penetration is so delicate, it takes some time to grow into the feeling of it. It is certainly worth every moment of waiting though, because after a time the genitals begin to buzz together, and the idea of sex as some kind of doing or an effort begins to change.

A man dedicated to conscious loving commented, "Until I experienced simple soft penetration, the penis did not have any real sense of meaningful direction." He found that when he relaxed consciously while being soft inside the vagina, his penis would gradually become erect, as if drawn up into depths of the vagina with an intelligence of its own. This inherent direction of the penis is an electro-magnetic phenomenon and it is not something you can "do." In fact it is our
"doing"
that prevents it happening. If a couple can relax with soft penetration
(see
fig. 7), and increase their genital awareness and presence, they will start to discover a new level of sexual experience with the penis developing snake-like qualities as it writhes ecstatically into the vagina, sucked inward by the opposing polarity. The more conscious you are as you make love, the more readily the intrinsic polarities will be restored to the genitals.

Positions for soft penetration

The position for soft penetration is easy
(see
fig. 7). The man lies on his side facing the woman. The woman lies on her back, bringing her pelvis close to his. Both open their legs, and the genitals will be naturally lying opposite each other. Bring them together, and wrap your legs around each other. This is sometimes called the scissors position. The woman may have to move her upper body away from her lover's in order to make the pelvises fit, or she can angle her own pelvis upward. Experiment and do what is most comfortable. This does not work for every couple. Lying between the legs of the woman for soft penetration, and rolling onto the sides from time to time, is a good alternative. In this middle position
(see
fig. 8) it is easy for a man to insert the penis.

How the woman inserts the penis

For soft penetration in the side position, once you are positioned correctly, pelvises close together, with vagina opposite penis, the woman can proceed with the soft penetration by taking the penis in her hands
(see
fig. 9). If you need lubricant, now would be the perfect moment to apply it, but don't make it too slippery to handle. Slowly pull back the folds of foreskin around the head of the penis, and expose it with the skin pulled away and down toward the root. Now make a two-pronged fork with the first two fingers of both hands (short fingernails please!) Place one finger fork (try the left hand) firmly around the base of the penis and hold it there. With the other hand (the right) place the fingers directly either side and behind the rim encircling the head of the penis. Squeeze the fingers together so that you have a gentle grip on the penis, and then pull the penis toward your vagina. When it arrives at the entrance begin to insert it. You will be able to push it in and up a little way. Do the same thing again. Grip the penis between your two fingers, and direct it into your vagina. By repeating the finger movement again and again, it is as if you're feeding or walking the penis into the vagina, gently pushing it inside a little more each time. Once you have pushed all of it inside you (or as much as you can manage to insert—even to get the head in is a good start), remove your hands, and bring the pelvic areas together as closely as possible, then wrap your legs around each other and relax! Use pillows to make yourselves as comfortable as you can, and use other Love Keys to support your presence. In this position eye contact is easy and important, as is breathing, and it is possible too for the man to rest a hand on the woman's breasts while she can stroke his buttocks and thighs.