Heart of the Matter (8 page)

If she was going to get on with her life, she had to start now by getting her own damn groceries. It was unlike her to be such a wimp over something so stupid. She just had to buck up and take the hard knocks, as her father always said.

❖

The symphony had definitely been the high point of the evening. The upscale bar had been rather awkward and unsettling, mostly due to Ellen’s insecurities about the dress as well as feeling uncomfortable on her first date in a while. She had forgotten how to talk to someone in an interesting, flirtatious manner. Her every word sounded superficial and trite. Thankfully their time at the Kennedy Center had preempted further conversation and she could relax somewhat until their ride home.

They were lucky to get a cab after only a ten-minute wait, but inched along due to the emerging crowd and traffic. Sandra attempted to fill in the silence with the details of her work, and Ellen tried to appear interested, but the specifics of passing legislation didn’t appeal to her and her mind wandered.

“I’m sorry. I must be a dreadful bore, going on and on about my work.”

“No, of course not,” Ellen quickly reassured her, guilty that Sandra had obviously noticed her disinterest.

“First dates can be rather awkward,” Sandra said. “You’d think at my age I’d be a lot smoother.”

Her sigh sounded so wistful that Ellen almost touched her in apology. “I’ve had a really nice time tonight. The wine was lovely, the music enchanting, and the company both. Thank you so much for an enjoyable evening.”

“Thanks for being so kind and for putting up with me.” The cab stopped at the curb in front of Ellen’s building and Ellen reached for the door handle. “Thank you again for such a wonderful time.”

“Here, let me at least walk you to your door.” As Sandra asked the driver to wait, Ellen climbed out, her heart racing. She hoped Sandra wasn’t expecting anything more than a kiss good night.

❖

Kate drew the hooded sweatshirt over her head and pushed her arms through the sleeves. She stood in front of the mirror and saw a gangster in a B-movie.
If I was the guy in the liquor store, I’d
think I was being held up
. She tugged at the sides, covering her face as much as possible. The shadowy look only made her seem more threatening, but she didn’t care.

While the irritating stitches had now been removed, the resulting white skin, speckled with dots where the stitches had been, made the damage look worse. Her arm had a similar scar, but under a sleeve it didn’t matter. The doctors had mentioned plastic surgery, if she was interested. She had seen the results of the cosmetic surgeon’s art firsthand. Several colleagues had gone under the knife, trying to extend the warranty on their time in front of the camera. But the wind-tunnel effect turned her off and the possible complications gave her pause. Still, she might look into her options. Improvement would probably come too late to save her career, but at least she wouldn’t be humiliated every time she showed her face in public.

She grabbed her keys and wallet and headed for the door when muffled conversation in the hallway made her stop and peer through the peephole. Ellen stood at her door talking with another woman.

Kate couldn’t quite make out what they were saying, but Ellen seemed to be asking the woman in. The woman shook her head and said something, an excuse of some kind, Kate supposed. Then the woman put her arms around Ellen’s waist. Kate was surprised and grinned when she realized what she was about to witness. Sure enough, the woman brought her lips to Ellen’s and they kissed.

“Well, I’ll be damned.” She let out a low whistle. It was a gentle, unhurried kiss, but not terribly passionate. It was definitely not the kind of kiss Kate would ever waste her time with, but she didn’t know what kind of woman Ellen was interested in.

When the two separated, Kate studied Ellen with interest. She certainly looked good tonight; the dress she wore revealed a deep cleavage. Kate considered herself a breast woman and was surprised she had never noticed Ellen’s. Then again, she did have other things to think about of late. She watched the woman return to the elevator and Ellen retreat to her condo.

Her mind flew to the angry note Ellen had left, and the lewd thoughts she’d just conjured up about her neighbor disappeared.

In their place grew the determination to become independent once more and, for now, to replenish her damn scotch. She yanked her door open and was halfway down the hall when a heavy pounding in her chest made her stop. Her feet quite simply refused to carry her forward, and her breath came in short, labored pants. She stumbled sideways toward the wall and leaned against it, frantically trying to slow her breathing. The hallway seemed too narrow and stretched out indefinitely, and for a brief, panicky moment, she thought she wouldn’t make it back.

Glancing at Ellen’s door directly in front of her, she thought of knocking, but her pride wouldn’t allow it. Instead, in one huge burst of adrenaline, she literally scurried to her condo and, once inside, collapsed onto the couch. Shaking and nauseous, she closed her eyes and listened to the pulse hammering in her ears. Okay, so maybe she still needed a little help. Two weeks of isolation was nothing. Hell, her bruises had yet to completely disappear.

Her eyes filled with tears. One thing was clear. If she was going to survive, she couldn’t manage without help. She would have to apologize to Ellen. Not only would the people who knew her be shocked at what she had become, Kate no longer recognized herself.

Ellen absentmindedly placed her keys on the credenza and pondered that kiss from Sandra at her door—had it been only a week ago? She liked Sandra. They had a lot in common: a love of foreign films, fine dining, and a passion for politics, although in DC that was almost mandatory. Part of her was relieved Sandra had begged off that night, yet another part was disappointed.

She retraced everything she had said and done that night and couldn’t come up with a single misstep. Sandra seemed to enjoy her company as much as she had enjoyed Sandra’s. But the little voice inside her head insinuated itself into her consciousness—
Sandra
likes you, but not in that way
. Ellen went into her bedroom and stood in front of the full-length mirror. If only she wasn’t so heavy, if only she’d met Sandra ten years ago when she was a size four. Sandra would definitely have stepped in for a nightcap then, early meeting or not.

She kicked off her shoes and changed into a sleep shirt. She was determined to plow through several chapters of her friend’s book on Lincoln, but once in bed, she read the same paragraph over and over. Finally, in exasperation, she put the book down, turned off the light, and snuggled deep into her pillows. She went through her mental checklist of things to do the next day, automatically including shopping for Kate before remembering that thankless task was no longer part of her routine. Knowing how Kate resisted leaving her condo, Ellen was surprised. She had expected a phone call by now, and perhaps a weak apology, but not complete silence. Had Kate found someone else to do her running around?

Simply the thought of Kate aroused her and she closed her eyes to conjure up an image of her. Strangely, when she thought of Kate, or dreamed of her, the scar never figured in. She saw only the dark hair and eyes, the firm jaw and full lips and the way she walked.

The entire package was too damn sexy, and the woman wasn’t even trying.

As usual, Ellen’s body reacted in all the right ways. She withdrew her vibrator from her nightstand drawer and turned it on low. It felt exquisite when she rested it near her clit, but not directly on it. She liked to tease herself first, draw the orgasm up slowly while she massaged her breasts and nipples. She fantasized Kate leaning into her at the door and kissing her, kissing her passionately, then ravishing her.

Kate was undressing her and grazing her way down her breasts, her stomach, and then between her legs. Ellen moved the vibrator directly onto her clit, flipped the switch to high, and pinching her nipples felt the rolling approach of the orgasm. It started at her clit, then worked its way up her belly and into her chest until she rocked hard, its force lifting her upper body off the bed.

Ellen fell back onto the pillows and simultaneously switched the vibrator to low. It continued to draw out the last echoes of her orgasm until she went limp and turned it off. She sighed contentedly, wishing for someone to cuddle and talk with in the aftermath of lovemaking. Perhaps Sandra? She wouldn’t know for sure for a while, but Sandra was certainly the nearest potential she had found in a long time. What would making love with her be like? She was warm, witty, and funny. Ellen felt comfortable around her in public, but how would she feel in private, and naked?

❖

Ellen climbed out of the tub and grabbed the phone she’d left by the sink. She’d been expecting Sandra to call all week and was trying not to read anything into the silence.

“Hello?” She dried her hair with one hand while holding the phone with the other.

“Hi, Ellen, it’s Kate.”

Ellen slowly let the towel drop to her side.

“Listen, about the way I acted last week,” Kate continued in the kind of tone newsreaders used when they tried to convey sincerity while remaining detached, “well, all I can say is, it must have been the pain pills. Too much, too little, I don’t know. Anyway, I wanted to tell you I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said what I did. That wasn’t right.”

Ellen was unaware she’d been holding her breath. When she finally drew in a gulp of air, she didn’t know if she would laugh or cry. “Oh, Kate. I’m so sorry I left that note. You didn’t deserve that. I was insensitive.”

“No, no, you were absolutely right,” Kate said. “I wouldn’t have been half as nice as you were if someone had been so rude to me. People have told me my temper would get me into trouble. After all you’ve done for me, there was no excuse. I’m sorry if I caused you pain.”

“Like I said, it’s nothing, really. And I’m happy to help, if there’s anything I can do. As a matter of fact, I was about to run out and I know you could probably use some things, right?” There was a pause on the other end.

“Well…” Kate began.

“Tell me what you need.” Ellen went in search of a pen and paper.

❖

Ellen pushed her cart into the kitchen. It was heavier when half of the groceries were Kate’s. Yet she enjoyed shopping for her, enjoyed picking out exactly the right things when Kate wasn’t sure what she wanted. She frowned when she thought about the amount of alcohol Kate had been consuming lately.

And she wondered when Kate would get out of her funk and back to real life. The scar was healing well, but half of her face was permanently disfigured. Ellen saw only how handsome she was, although she could imagine how Kate must feel. As she put away her groceries, she had an idea and began to prepare dinner—for two.

After knocking on Kate’s door, she waited a few minutes until it opened. “Hi, Kate. This time you got everything on your wish list.”

“Ellen.” Kate nodded. “Thanks.” She took the grocery bags out of Ellen’s arms and began to retreat.

“Uh, listen, Kate,” Ellen continued. “I was wondering, if you weren’t busy tonight, I…that is, I meant, if you were interested in doing something different…”

Kate stared at her, then finally said, “Tell me what you want, Ellen. As you so astutely observed, I have no pressing engagements at the moment.”

Ellen knew she had turned red. How stupid could those stammered comments be? She had completely started off on the wrong foot.

“Sorry, Kate. I thought you might like to have dinner…with me…at my place, tonight.”

Kate appeared dumbstruck but, with a surprised expression, finally said, “So what are we having?” Ellen was delighted.

❖

Kate couldn’t recall the last time someone had offered to make dinner for her—that is, without an ulterior motive. Those times she seldom wound up eating the meal. She entered Ellen’s condo with trepidation. It was strange after nearly three weeks to be somewhere else. And while the two were laid out the same, Ellen’s clearly had the feminine touch hers lacked. It was warm and inviting, and Kate relaxed despite her apprehension.

After she had closed the door on Ellen earlier, she immediately began to have second thoughts. Ellen had already become too entrenched in her life, and if it weren’t for the convenience of her shopping, Kate would end the relationship. But for now, she needed her.

“Here, I brought this.” She handed Ellen a bottle of scotch.

“Oh, thanks.” The unusual gift seemed to surprise her. Wine would be the more common choice, but she accepted the bottle and placed it on the counter.

The confusion that played across Ellen’s face made Kate chuckle. “You’re not a scotch drinker, are you?”

“Well…” Ellen obviously didn’t know what to say.

“I didn’t think you were. I thought I’d bring my own, just in case.” Kate took the glass Ellen offered and removed the foil from the new bottle. Unable to go out and get it herself, she had searched the phone book for a liquor store that delivered.

“PGT, you know you aren’t supposed to be up here.” Ellen shooed the cat off the counter and he leapt down, then rubbed against Kate’s legs.

“Didn’t you call him Beau before?”

Ellen chuckled. “Yes, Beau, PGT, General Beauregard, and a host of others.”

“Who’s General Beauregard and what does PGT stand for?” Kate petted him on the head.

“General Pierre Gustave Toutant Beauregard was a Confederate general during the Civil War. I’ve always loved that name.”

“Are you a history buff?”

“Sort of. I teach history at Georgetown.” Kate lifted her eyebrows, impressed. She opened the bottle and poured each of them a drink. She could smell the sauce on the stove and looked forward to tasting it, having grown tired of frozen pizzas and instant meals. Dining in a restaurant was her usual routine, but a home-cooked meal was a treat. She watched as Ellen moved about the kitchen, tasting the sauce, adding a pinch of oregano, tossing the salad. For some reason the mundane activities made her feel more at ease. Thinking of seeing her last week, Kate gazed at Ellen’s chest, then looked away quickly when Ellen glanced up, hoping she hadn’t noticed.