Heart-Shaped Hack (3 page)

“It would never have worked out,” Ian said, sitting down across from her. “You were already fighting over e-mail.”

“We were not fighting. We were having a discussion. And how would you know?”

“Loves cooking, animals, and long hikes in the woods?
Please
. Do you want to know what Kent really loves? Threesomes. Kent loves threesomes. Also hard-core porn and occasionally cocaine. Is this the dating pool you want to swim around in? I mean really, Katie.”

“Oh my God. You did
not
.”

“I’m going to order us a drink. A bourbon sounds excellent on this crisp fall afternoon.” Ian signaled for the waiter. “Against my better judgment, I’ll order you a glass of wine. According to your credit card statement, you had a staggering amount of chardonnay delivered to your apartment last month. I think you might want to take one of those ‘Could I Be an Alcoholic’ quizzes the next time you come across one, just to see what it says.”

Kate logged on to her online dating account. Her profile picture had undergone a significant change because she now had two chins and giant puffy cheeks. Even her eyelids looked bloated.

“You FatBoothed me?”

“He seemed awfully concerned with your figure. That just goes to show what kind of man he is. Already micromanaging your wardrobe and diet before he’s even met you. If he had just been patient, he would have seen you in person and realized he had nothing to worry about. It’s his loss.”

Kate peered closer. “What is that above my lip?”

“It’s a mustache. You dark-haired girls have to be so careful about that kind of thing.” Ian gave their drink order to the waiter.

Kate didn’t speak. Her brain was trying to process how everything had gone so wrong in such a short amount of time.

“Katie? Are you okay?” He sounded genuinely concerned. “On a scale of one to ten, how mad at me are you, with one being you still like me and ten being you’d like to castrate me with a pair of rusty scissors?”

“When did I ever say I liked you?”

“It was subtly implied.”

“All I’m trying to do is find a nice guy to spend time with,” Kate said, stunned. “It should not be this hard.”

The waiter brought their drinks. Kate picked up her wineglass and took a rather large gulp. She started to set it down, changed her mind, and took another drink.

“Can I be honest with you?” Ian asked.

“I don’t know, can you?” Kate leaned forward, resting her elbows on the table while she massaged her temples.

“You’re quite beautiful, so I don’t understand why you’d waste your time with online dating.”

Kate should not have cared that Ian said she was beautiful, but she did.

“I use dating sites because I don’t want to go to bars and my girlfriends all work sixteen hours a day. Helena claims her clubbing days are over, so that doesn’t leave me with much. If I meet someone online, at least I have the opportunity to vet them first.”

Ian snorted. “These men all want one thing, and they’ll lie to get it. Using a dating site to vet them is going to get you roofied. It’s really not safe, Katie.”

“That’s why I only meet them in public places. I don’t let them take me home, and I don’t invite them in until I’ve gotten to know them. And
I’m
not lying. Everything on my profile is true.”

“Congratulations. You’re the only one telling the truth.”

“Well, how do you usually meet women?”

“They have a way of suddenly appearing. Like the birds in that song.”

She had to think about that for a minute. “You mean ‘Close to You’ by the Carpenters?”

Ian snapped his fingers. “That’s the one.”

“How convenient for you.”

He smiled. “Isn’t it?”

“Are you dating one of these women now?”

He sipped his bourbon. “I’m currently between lovers.”

Kate took another big drink. Her glass was more than half-empty, so Ian signaled the waiter for another.

“I feel conflicted,” he said. “It’s like I’m just contributing to your drinking problem now.”

“I do not have a drinking problem! There was a buy one bottle, get one half off sale, so I stocked up.”

“Denial. That’s a shame. Let’s go back to your dating woes.”

“I don’t have woes. I’m just having difficulty getting back out there.” Kate could only admit this to herself, but the thought of jumping back into the dating pool had extended her relationship with Stuart by at least six months.

“Maybe there’s something wrong with you.”

She shook her head. “There’s nothing wrong with me.”

“There could be. Tell me about your most recent lover.”

“Stuart was more than my
lover
. We broke up six months ago after dating for five years.”

“Why, did you sleep with someone else?”

“What?
No
.”

“Did he?”

“Nobody slept with anyone else! We grew apart and weren’t the same people at the end of five years that we were when we started dating.”

“Was Stuart a nice guy?”

“He was a
great
guy. He’s still a great guy.”

“If he was that great, you’d still be with him.”

“I loved Stuart for a long time.”

“But?”

“When it comes to men, you either break up with them or you marry them.”

“Stuart asked you to marry him?”

“Yes. And I said no.” And she’d unintentionally stomped all over his heart in the process.

“Why?” Ian asked.

The wine had already loosened her up a little, and she answered honestly. “Because after five years there was nothing about him that surprised me.” Stuart was like a puzzle with a limited number of pieces; all he really needed to be happy was Kate, his PlayStation, beer, a hot meal, and sex. Kate needed more.

“Ah, now we’re getting somewhere. So you want a nice guy, but you don’t want him to be boring.”

“Yes. Nice and not boring and not into threesomes and no cocaine. I mean, is that too much to ask?”

“No, although I feel compelled to point out that the threesome thing is pretty universal.”

“Oh for God’s sake,” she muttered.

“That doesn’t mean we’re all going to try to convince you to participate in one. It’s just that very few guys would be like, ‘Go away, extra girl,’ should one happen to climb into our bed when you’re already in it. That’s all I’m saying.”

Kate had finished her first glass of wine, and the waiter arrived with her second. Ian handed it to her and held up his bourbon. “Cheers to weeding out the assholes, Katie.”

Kate clinked her glass with his and said, “Cheers.”

An hour later, after sharing an order of crab cakes and beer-battered fish and chips, which Ian insisted on because “that dick Kent would probably have made you order a salad,” Kate leaned back in her chair and sighed.

“Feeling better?”

“More relaxed anyway,” she said. “Probably because I’m stuffed full of fried food and this is my third glass of wine.”

“In case you were wondering, I’m having a great time.”

“Let me guess. This is all part of your ‘let’s be friends’ campaign.”

“That depends. Is it working?”

Kate tried to suppress a smile.

“I saw that, Katie. I told you, I miss nothing.”

After they finished their drinks, Ian insisted on paying the tab. “I’ll walk you home,” he said. Dried leaves crunched under their feet, and Kate breathed in the smell of wood smoke coming from a nearby chimney.

“This is my street,” she said a few blocks later. “I’m in the tall brick building.”

“I know.”

“How do you know where I live?” Kate asked.

He looked at her incredulously. “You can’t be serious.” He followed her up the short sidewalk to the front steps, and she sat down when they reached the top.

“You’re not going to invite me in?”

“You can’t be serious,” she said, throwing his words back at him. The chill of the cold concrete seeped through her jeans almost immediately.

Ian sat down beside her. “Wow, these steps are really hard and cold.”

“Tell me everything you know about me,” Kate said. She was tired of being blindsided whenever he spouted some new personal detail.

“Let’s see… you turned twenty-nine in September. You have a dentist appointment next week, and the book you placed on hold at the library is ready for you to pick up. You receive a disturbing number of messages on your dating account from men trying to hook up with you or asking to see you naked, which you delete immediately. I have to say I’m truly shocked at what men deem appropriate behavior in the modern dating world.”

“You,” Kate said, pointing a finger at him. “
You
are shocked.”

“I am. I’m not sure how you women put up with it.”

“The struggle is real. Go on.”

“Your e-mails all include emoticons, usually hearts and smiley faces, and your Netflix queue consists mostly of romantic comedies. Oh, and you’re a 34C. That’s just the stuff I can remember offhand. I’m sure there’s more.”

Kate was horrified. “How do you know my bra size?”

“I scrolled through your order history at Victoria’s Secret.”

“Well, that’s not at all creepy,” she deadpanned.

“Did you know there are items in your shopping cart? Sweaters. Lots of thick, long, skin-covering sweaters. Frankly, it confused me.”

“Maybe I already own plenty of lingerie. Considering I walk to work, sweaters are much more practical. Plus they’re awfully cute.”

“I added a few things to your cart and checked out for you. I paid for it with
my
credit card. Expedited the shipping too, so you should have it by Monday.”

“You
added
a few things?”

“One hint: not sweaters.”

“How wildly inappropriate.”

“Kid in a candy store. Couldn’t help myself.”

“How?”

“Excuse me?”

“You’ve obviously hacked into my computer. How did you do it?”

“I came in your backdoor.”

“I’m certain you did not.”

“I assure you that I did.”

“Without even discussing it with me first? No preparation? No warning? Don’t you think that’s incredibly bad form?”

Ian grinned. “Are we still talking about your computer? Because I find you utterly delightful right now.”

“I’m waiting.”

“A backdoor is just a way to gain remote access to a computer. It took me all of two minutes to take over yours.”

“You have access to my computer?”

“Yes.”

A panicked expression appeared on Kate’s face. “Can you see my browsing history?” She’d recently clicked on a link to an article about how to pleasure a man orally, telling herself that it was always prudent to keep one’s skills sharp, especially now that she was single again. That link had led to a plethora of other links covering a host of similar topics, and Kate had spent a rather enjoyable evening sipping wine while clicking and reading.

Ian winked. “I can, and I must say the more I learn about you, the more I like you.”

“And to think I was once bothered by you tracking my credit card activity.”

“Those were the good old days, huh?”

“Do you know what I think? I think you’ve fallen into the habit of relying on your money and the way you look to excuse your appallingly intrusive behavior.”

“You’re absolutely right. There aren’t many problems my money can’t solve, but let’s talk more about the way I look. What exactly do you like the most?”

Kate feigned indifference. “I’m sure you’re very appealing to some, but I don’t happen to find you all that handsome.”

“Yes you do.”

Kate decided a subject change was in order. “You owe me some information.”

“Quid pro quo, then?”

“It’s only fair.”

“Go ahead.”

“Age?”

“Thirty-two.”

“Hometown?”

“Amarillo.”

“Really? You have no trace of an accent.”

“I’m a man of many personas, darlin’.” He said the words in a thick drawl.

“College?”

“MIT. Computer Science. Top of my class, of course.”

“Naturally.” Kate pulled her jacket tighter. Her butt had gone numb. “How long have you lived in Minnesota?”

“A little over two months.”

“How long are you staying?”

“Not sure yet. I move around a lot.”

“Where do you live?”

“That’s top secret.”

“Who do you work for?”

“I work for no one.”

“What’s your last name?”

“I can’t tell you.”

“You can’t tell me your last
name
? Are you kidding me?”

“Nope. By the way, my ass is freezing.”

“What do you do all day?”

“I hack.”

“I know that, but who or what do you hack? Besides me, that is.”

“I hack whatever I want or need to hack.”

“Pretty good at it then?”

“I’m the best there is. No one can keep me out. Why did you stop practicing law?”

Kate knew it would have taken him no time at all to unearth her education and former profession. “I’m supposed to be the one asking questions.”

“I’m just curious.”

“I wanted to help people. I couldn’t do much of that stuck in a tiny office filing briefs. At the food pantry I at least have tangible proof that I’m helping others.”

“Is that why you rebuffed me that day at the café? Because you believe the law is black-and-white and I work in a gray area?”

“I rebuffed you because I didn’t want your stolen money. Plus you violated my privacy in a way that was very off-putting and not okay. And, I might add, you’ve continued to violate it.”

“I know you probably don’t believe me, but I’m actually a really nice guy. As such, I have a proposal for you.”

“I can’t even imagine what it might entail.”

“I propose that you forget about online dating and go out with me instead.”

“Why would I go out with you? You engage in frequent illegal activity, and you have
horrific
boundary issues.”

“Because I promise you that spending time with me will never be boring. And isn’t that what you’re really after? Someone who can inject a little adventure into your life?”

There was no way she could ever take Ian seriously, but he was spot-on about the boredom. No matter how inexcusable his behavior, the few conversations she’d had with him had been the most stimulating exchanges she’d had with a man in a very long time.