Heartbeat (10 page)

“I probably ain’t even got no cancer, Ma. I feel better than I have in years. That doctor in Houston probably didn’t know what the hell he was talkin’ bout,” I said. I’d said the same thing at least fifty other times but it seemed to go in one ear and straight out of the other every time I said it. “That’s why we going to see that specialist today, remember? To know for sho’.”

“Well, the devil is a liar, we are not claiming no cancer!” Ma said. She jumped up from the couch like it was suddenly too hot to sit on.

I bit into the greasy pork chop and nodded as Ma returned to the kitchen. I looked over at Pa but by the grave expression on his face I knew he wouldn’t be any help. He was just as worried as Ma, if not more.

I regretted ever telling them before getting a second opinion. About four months ago, I was told that a nigga had cancer. I know right…cancer! It all started because my business was moving slow. I hadn’t had any construction jobs in months and it was getting to the point where I wasn’t able to even pay my bills so I had to go get a job. It hurt my pride to have to go work for somebody else after owning my own business for so long. But it didn’t take me long to get a job offer doing some manual labor because of my extensive experience with construction. The job required me to take a physical. I took the physical and when the doctor called me back in talking about my PSA came back a bit high, I ain’t gon’ lie, I didn’t know what the hell he was talking about, but I still panicked.

I was referred to another doctor to get a prostate biopsy. I kept telling myself it was probably a mistake because prostate cancer was stuff that old men got. I was only 30! Even the doctor said at my age, I had a 1 in 10,000 chance of actually having prostate cancer. So I didn’t get the biopsy. I waited about six months before I built my nerve to go back to that doctor and get the damn biopsy and by then my PSA had rose even higher.

I can’t really tell you what happened the day my results came back. I remember staring at the doctor’s thin lips wondering how the hell someone could have lips that small to the point it didn’t even look like they had lips. I saw his lips moving but after he’d said, “I’m afraid I have some bad news,” I zoned out.  

It took me about two months to finally tell Ma, Pa, and my sister, Cher. But once I did, all they did was beg a nigga to come back to Dallas for a second opinion. Dallas had this renowned cancer institution with some of the best oncologists in the country. I knew I had to tackle this thing as quickly as possible, but for some reason I felt like doing so made it real. If I just sat on my ass and acted like I never got the news, I could forget all of this. Eventually I came back home.

It took weeks for me to get an appointment at the Cancer Institute of Dallas, but I finally had one. Today.  Even though I preferred to see this doctor by myself and just bring the news back to Ma and Pa, I knew that wasn’t going to happen. Especially with it being four hours before my appointment and both of my retired parents were already fully dressed and ready to head to the hospital.

All I could do was laugh and shake my head before taking another bite out of the well seasoned pork chop.  

“Won’t you go in that back room and put on something better than that, Amir.” Ma had finally sat down with her own plate. Now she was looking at my casual attire with disdain.

“Ma, I ain’t going on a job interview,” I said.

“At least go put on some pants, son,” Pa said and by his tone I could tell he wasn’t asking.  

I sat my plate on the round coffee table and shook my head as I went to the back room that used to be my bedroom.  I was a grown ass man but my parents were still trying to dress me. The back room used to be my bedroom growing up but now my parents used it as a guest bedroom although they rarely had any guests. The closet still had some of my old clothes in it and I pulled out a pair of blue jeans I hadn’t worn in years. They were a little tight but at this point I couldn’t have cared less how I looked.  

When I returned to the living room, I finished my breakfast and made light conversation with Ma and Pa but there was heaviness in the air. There was really only one thing on everybody’s mind no matter how much we talked about sports or the damn weather.  

We watched some movie on TV until I fell asleep. The sleep was well welcomed since I had barely been able to sleep for these last couple of weeks. I didn’t know how long I’d been asleep but the sound of Cher’s voice was what woke me.

“What you doing here?” I frowned.

“Damn, what’s wrong with you? I can’t come visit my parents?” She avoided eye contact with me because she knew that I knew she was full of shit.

“I thought you had to work overtime today,” I said.  

“I called in.”

So Cher planned on tagging along to this doctor’s appointment too. Just like I wouldn’t be able to stop Ma and Pa from coming, I damn sure wouldn’t be able to stop Cher. It didn’t matter that she knew damn well she needed to be at work getting all the overtime she could because she was barely making ends meet.

I didn’t have to check my watch to know it was time to head to the hospital. Cher was here. Pa was up pacing back and forth, something he always did when he was nervous, now that he’d given up cigarettes. And Ma was putting on her jacket even though it was 80 degrees outside. I didn’t say anything to anybody. I just grabbed my car keys and headed to the car.

For some reason, I wanted to call Charlie. I quickly shook that thought away, though. She was probably at home with her husband working shit out. I’d probably never hear from her again and that was for the best anyway. But damn, I couldn’t get her smile out of my head.

The whole ride to the hospital was quiet except for Cher cracking a few corny ass jokes that failed to lighten the mood. Sitting in the waiting room for the oncologist was even worse. It felt like we were waiting in that all white room for hours on end. I didn’t notice I was constantly tapping my leg until Cher placed her hand on my thigh. I was nervous as hell no matter how I tried to play down the seriousness of this whole fucked up situation.

A tall blonde chick walked out of the double doors I’d be staring at since we made it to his place. When she looked at her clipboard I hoped she was about to finally call my name.  

“Mr. Rover?”

I jumped up and so did everybody that came here with me. I took a deep breath, said a quick prayer and followed the nurse. She led us down a winding hallway to a large office. There were only two chairs so Ma and I sat while Cher and Dad stood behind us.  

“Dr. Johnson will be in here shortly. Would you like anything to drink?”  

I shook my head. But Ma said, “I’ll take a Diet Coke, please.”

Everyone else was silent. Even after the nurse left, no one said a word. I stared at my knuckles realizing I didn’t put any lotion on this morning. I stared at my knuckles until my vision blurred. Then I looked around the office at the college degrees and awards that were hanging on the walls and sitting on top of the L shaped oak desk. Doctor Rick Johnson had to be something of a narcissist with all of these accolades all over the place. But then again, maybe he was just that good. Either way, he was my hope at beating this cancer shit.  

The nurse walked back in with Ma’s soda and a tall, bald man in a white coat followed behind her. I took a double take. The doctor was a brother! For some reason, that put me at ease and I took it as a good sign that today was going to be ok after all.

After he shook every one’s hand he sat down behind the desk, readjusted one of the awards and said, “Hi, I’m Doctor Johnson.”

“Amir,” I said as I shook his hand. I looked him over. He had a bald head, was clean shaven and didn’t look that much older than me.  

He went on to list his many honors, all his accomplishments, and his patient survival rate, all with a huge smile. I had to admit, I liked this brother. He was cocky as hell but I liked it. To me, that meant he knew what he was doing. And when I glanced over at Ma, I saw something on her face I hadn’t seen since I moved back to Dallas. Hope.  

“First thing’s first, I’m going to get you scheduled for another biopsy.”

I frowned but I knew it had to be done and by the way Dr. Johnson was going on and on I was sure if this second biopsy came back positive like the first one had, I would beat this cancer with this man by my side.  

The last thing I wanted to do was deal with my parents with the horrible hang over I had today. If I could, I would have just laid in bed until it passed over, but I had to pick Destiny up. And with picking Destiny up, I would have to endure a long lecture about being an unwed mother.  

I took a deep breath and got out of my car. When I knocked on the door, my father opened it. “Hello there, Lake.”

“Hi, Daddy.” I walked inside the house that smelled of soul food. On any other day the smell would be welcomed, but today it only made me nauseous.  

Mama came out of the back room with Destiny in her arms. My eyes lit up when I saw my daughter.  

“Was she a good girl?” I took Destiny from Mama.

“Of course she was,” Mama said. “She’s a really good baby.” She sat on the couch and ran her hands across her pleated pants. “You in a hurry?”

I was already grabbing Destiny’s diaper bag and heading for the door. My plan was to make a mad dash for it but of course that didn’t work. I turned around and sat down. “Not really.”

“Well, good. I wanted to talk to you about something.”

I sighed in response because I already knew it was coming. “What, Mama?”

“Well, Destiny will be a month old in a few weeks and you and Greg aren’t any steps closer to holy matrimony.”

It took everything inside of me to fight the urge to roll my eyes. Maybe if I just told her the truth, she’d leave me alone. Maybe it was time for me to tell her that Greg and I would probably never marry. I hadn’t seen him in two days. The last I heard of him was through a text message. I’d all but given up on us ever being a family. And for once, I was okay with that. It couldn’t be that hard to raise Destiny as a single mother. I knew plenty single mothers who were doing just fine. And it wasn’t like I was going to be entirely alone. I still had my parents, Kesha and Charlie.

“Your father and I have decided that you guys need to get a move on this wedding,” Mama said. She reached for a pamphlet and handed it to me. “I took the liberty of checking this place out. I wanted to make sure you liked it before I put a deposit down. It’s available every other weekend next month.”

I looked from the pamphlet of a wedding chapel to my mother, then my father. They couldn’t have been serious. But the look on both of their faces proved that they were. I laughed to keep from bursting into tears.  

“This is serious, gal. You need to start taking your life more serious. Now, I’d hoped you’d bring that boy over here so I could have a good talking to him man to man,” Daddy said. He was standing over me with a look on his face that made me feel like I was still in high school.

But that was just it. I wasn’t still in high school. I wasn’t even still living under their roof. I was a grown ass woman, paying my own bills, and living my own life.  I wasn’t about to let them bully me into marrying Greg.  I opened my mouth to tell them just how I felt when Daddy interrupted me.

“Now, I know you’ve had some problems in the past but don’t let that deter your future. Me and ya’ mama wants more grandbabies but we want them from our
married
daughter. We don’t want you just laying up with some man making babies. It’s time that Greg boy made an honest woman outta’ you.”

“Then shouldn’t ya’ll be having this conversation with him?” I blurted out. “I mean, I can’t make Greg marry me!”

Mama gasped as if I’d cursed her out or something. “Well, what is he waiting for?”

“He probably thinking he ain’t gotta make an honest woman outta’ ya. I mean, why buy the cow when he already getting the milk and everything else he could want for free,” Daddy spat.

I looked up at my daddy and for the first time in my life, I wanted to cuss his old ass out. I just stood to my feet, put Destiny’s diaper bag over my shoulder and headed toward the door. “I am not in the mood to have this conversation.”

“Well, you need to get in the mood. This is your life and it’s time you started doing something about it,” Mama called after me but I was already shutting the door on her.  

I rushed to my car and buckled Destiny in her car seat. It’d be awhile before I asked them to babysit again. Matter of a fact, I decided to give them a break, entirely. I was so sick of having this same conversation every time I talked to my parents. Greg and I would never be married. I’d accepted it but I knew it would take a while for either one of them to accept that.

I cursed when my gas light came on before I could even make it halfway home. I barely had enough money to eat for the rest of the week, let alone fill my tank up. I pulled up to the nearest gas station and dug a five dollar bill out of my purse. It wasn’t much but it would at least get me home. I would have to borrow money from Charlie to make it through the rest of the week. That thought alone, made me want to cut my maternity leave short but now that I was going to have to start avoiding my parents, I knew that wasn’t an option.

After getting Destiny out of her car seat I headed inside of the convenience store to pay $5 on pump three. As I turned to leave the store a woman was walking inside and her eyes were glued to Destiny. It took a minute for me to place her familiar face. But when I did, I gasped. It was the staring chick from Neimans!

“Can I help you?” I said. Today wasn’t the day for whatever bullshit she was trying to bring my way. And something told me that’s exactly what she was about to do.

“Is that Greg’s baby?” She asked. She didn’t take her eyes off Destiny.

Shock made my voice get caught in my throat. I looked this woman over. I’d never seen her other than the time in Neimans but she obviously knew me. I remembered her having an accent, but now when she spoke, she didn’t have one at all.

She repeated herself as if I hadn’t heard her, “Is that Greg’s baby?”

I snapped out of whatever trance I was in, “Who the fuck are you?”

She finally took her eyes off Destiny and looked me dead in my eyes, “I’m Greg’s wife.” She threw her shoulders back as if that were some kind of accomplishment.  

But I had to admit, her words almost knocked me off my feet. I leaned against the store wall for support because all of a sudden everything got wobbly.  Here I was, holding my baby whose father was married to someone else. I looked at her, Greg’s wife. She was obviously older than me. She was also about 35 pounds heavier than me so I braced myself in case she was about to attack me.

When I didn’t respond to her, she burst into tears. I felt awkward. I wanted to run to my car and get the hell away from this gas station as fast as I could but for some reason my feet were glued to the floor. She looked back up at me, then at Destiny.

“Did you know about me?” She asked in between sobs. “Did you know you were fucking a married man!”

For some reason, my thoughts ran to Charlie. She must have felt exactly like this lady did and for that reason my heart went out to her.  I shook my head. I felt like I owed her that much.  “No, I didn’t know he was married.”

She looked like she wanted to say more to me, but instead she just turned around and walked out of the store.