Hearts and Diamonds (8 page)

‘We’ll go and find one then.’

Jenna felt light and happy to be back in London, suddenly loving all the people for not crowding round her or trying to follow her. People here were too wrapped up in their own lives to care about who was passing by. It was many years since she’d been able to take a simple walk in a park without at least one bodyguard. Perhaps Jason fulfilled that function, she thought. Actually, that could be an idea . . .

By the time they reached the Serpentine café, she was feeling jumpier and had noticed several people, mainly young teenagers, trailing in their wake. The little train of followers led in turn to more attention being paid from the deckchairs.

Her dream of a pleasant anonymous summer evening walk seemed to be over.

‘Jenna,’ called one of the teenagers, not aggressively, but loudly enough to be irritating.

Jason wheeled around, thunder-faced.

‘Are you a mate of hers?’ he said, and the threat in his voice was evident.

‘Jason, don’t. We don’t want negative publicity,’ she demurred, but his work was done. The teenager shook her head, lips trembling.

‘Leave ’er alone then,’ he growled.

The teenagers stopped following them, but Jenna felt that some damage limitation was in order. Seeing that they were all still lurking around by the edge of the lake, she bought them all ice lollies and handed them around, to their considerable excitement.

‘Sorry he was gruff,’ she said, ‘but we are trying to have a quiet walk by the lake.’

They seemed to understand and a couple of them apologised in turn. A third wanted to know when she would be back on
Talent Team
, but she just laughed and shook her head before walking away.

‘What did you do that for?’ sniped Jason, watching them mooch off with their lollies.

‘Good PR,’ she said. ‘Come on, let’s find somewhere shady and completely secluded and watch the boats on the lake.’

They took their ice-creams to a hedge and sat in front of it, as inconspicuous as they could be.

‘You must get that a lot,’ said Jason.

‘Yes.’

‘Doesn’t it do your head in?’

Jenna took a philosophical lick of her honey and stem ginger cone.

‘I’m used to it.’

‘How could you get used to it?’

She thought about it.

‘Actually, I’d forgotten what it was like,’ she confessed. ‘Perhaps it was naïve of me to think that this – a simple walk in the park – was possible. Back in LA, I never went anywhere unaccompanied. Always travelling by chauffeur-driven limo, flanked by my bodyguards on the way to meetings or parties or anything. Didn’t even go shopping unless the shops were closed to the public. It’s not the public you have to even worry about there – LA people are so used to seeing stars all over the place, they barely turn a hair. It’s the world press. The freelancers after something to sell to one of those woeful celeb mags.’

‘Like living in a bubble,’ said Jason.

‘It just seems normal after a while. It’s the ones with kids I really feel sorry for. Having to keep them hidden away in their walled mansions. I feel privileged – seriously, don’t laugh – that I grew up on the estate and I could ride my bike wherever I wanted and get into fights behind the shops. Better that than what these kids have to call a childhood.’

‘Is that why you and Deano never . . .?’

She licked around the base of the ice-cream scoop, considering how to put her answer.

‘No, that’s not the reason. At least, it’s not
the
reason. It’s one of them, I suppose.’

‘Do you want kids?’

Jenna shrugged. ‘The time’s never been right.’

‘Work?’

‘Yeah, work. And Deano.’ She paused. ‘I mean, he’s a kid himself. A thirty-seven-year-old kid.’

‘I’ve heard rock stars don’t make great dads. Not that I’d know what would. Great dads are in short supply where I’m from.’

‘Where I’m from too,’ Jenna reminded him gently. ‘Though mine was good. I really ought to go out and visit him in Spain one of these days. Maybe when the weather gets cold, eh?’

‘Why are you asking me?’

‘You could come too.’

‘Er, I don’t think so. I don’t do chit-chat with parents.’

He looked anxious and she rubbed his arm.

‘They’d like you,’ she said, though she wasn’t really sure this was the truth.

‘No parent has ever liked me,’ he said. ‘Not even my own.’

She scooped up a tongueful of luscious ice-cream and waited for it to slide down her throat before speaking again.

‘You don’t see yourself as a dad then?’

He laughed bitterly. ‘I don’t even know what a dad
is
. I mean, I like kids. I prefer them to adults most of the time. But I’m not sure I could eat a whole one, if you know what I mean.’

Jenna smiled. ‘It just seems unimaginable, somehow, doesn’t it? You see parents all around, yet their lives are mysteries to those of us who haven’t crossed into that realm of experience.’

‘I know a stack of dads,’ said Jason. ‘The estate’s full of ’em. It’s just that none of them ever see their kids. I don’t know how they can do it. How can they carry on, day to day, knowing that their own flesh and blood is so close – and not seeing them? I suppose it’s what I’ve always wondered about my own dad. Whoever he is.’

‘Why won’t your mother tell you?’

‘Sometimes she says she’s sworn to secrecy.’ He rolled his eyes. ‘Goes to show how much she cares about what I feel. I’m not worthy to know who my own dad is. Then other times she just says she doesn’t know; it could be one of several guys. She has a different excuse for every day of the week. To be honest, she probably doesn’t know. Probably too drunk to remember.’

He closed his fist around a clump of grass and pulled it up with vicious strength.

‘But she does love you,’ said Jenna. ‘And she’s proud of you.’

‘For what that’s worth,’ he said. He crunched down on his cone. ‘I’ve had enough of being angry all the time, Jen. I’ve been angry all these years, and look where it’s got me? Wasting my life.’

‘Not any more,’ she said. ‘Things are going to change for you. They’re already changing.’

‘I’ve got the one change I need, and that’s you,’ he said. ‘I don’t care about anything else.’

He leaned into her and they kissed. Jenna shut her eyes and let it be all and everything. The sounds around them, of oars plashing on the lake, idle laughter, the dull thud of a bat and ball game, merged inside her head into a delicious fuzzy melange. Until another sound shook her out of it.

‘Jenna! Jenna! Is that your new man? Give us a smile. Give us a look.’

Later, over dinner in the hotel’s Michelin-starred restaurant, she was able to laugh about it.

‘Oh God, the looks on their faces when you got up and ran at them. It was as if they were being charged by a homicidal rhino. I’ve never seen a crowd scatter so fast.’

‘Homicidal rhino, thanks. I’ve had better compliments.’ He frowned at the soup, which was unexpectedly cold and had leaves floating on the surface. ‘What the fuck’s this anyway?’

‘Watermelon gazpacho. I thought it’d be refreshing on a day like this.’

Mind you, the air conditioning seemed set to arctic, so maybe something hotter might have been a better choice.

‘Gazpacho? Sounds like a Mexican bandit. “My name is Gazpacho. You knew my father. Prepare to die.”’

Jenna laughed at his hammy Spanish accent.

‘Don’t you like it? I can ask for more bread, if you’d rather.’

‘No, it’s all right. Just . . . a bit weird.’ He spooned some up, nodding his head as he swallowed.

‘There’s so much I want to show you,’ said Jenna. ‘So many lovely things in this world. Beautiful places to visit . . .’

‘Where you get mobbed,’ finished Jason wryly.

‘Well, some of them are private,’ she said. ‘But . . .’ She sighed.

‘Yeah, well, I want to earn some money of my own before we start jet-setting anyway,’ he said, swirling his spoon about in his soup.

‘You will,’ Jenna insisted gently. ‘But it might take some time, and initially cost us more than we make. But you’ve got my services and contacts for free, and that will be worth thousands. We need to organise the exhibition first, and then—’

‘No,’ he cut in, rather harshly, so that Jenna was shocked into silence. ‘No, Jen, you don’t get what I’m saying. I need to earn some money
now
. I can’t go on living off you. I’m not a ponce.’

She shook her head. ‘I don’t think of you like that! God!’

‘You might not, but everyone else will. All they see is me, living the life of Riley, whoever he was, in your house, in your bed, on your cash. I’m not going to be your kept man. It was different when I had no choice. But I’ve got a choice now, and I’m going to work for a living.’

‘Why change the habit of a lifetime?’ said Jenna, stung by shock. She regretted the remark before it was out of her mouth.

He pushed away the gazpacho half-eaten and left the restaurant.

Jenna, swearing under her breath, more at herself than him, followed him to their room.

‘I’m sorry,’ she said, slipping through the door after him. ‘All right? It just came out because you were being stroppy and I don’t really see why it’s a problem that your future brilliant career is funded by my money – just to start with. All the great artists had a patron, pretty much. It’s been that way throughout history.’

‘I’m not all the great artists,’ said Jason, standing by the picture window, looking down on London at sunset. ‘I’m Jason Watson. I’ve done nothing all my life and I think it’s time I changed that.’ He turned to face her. ‘It hurt me, what you said, because it’s true, Jen. I’ve spent twenty-eight years arsing around on benefits because I was scared to do anything with my life. I was scared. I’m not the kind of person who makes it. I’m not . . .’

He broke off and Jenna rushed over to him, throwing her arms around his neck and crushing him to her.

‘It’s OK. Everything’s going to be OK. Come and sit down. Let’s have a drink.’

The suite contained a huge cream corner sofa, on which they settled with a bottle of wine from the minibar and two glasses.

Jason nibbled at his fingernails while she poured, staring moodily towards the panoramic view outside.

‘I could paint that,’ he said. ‘That’s just about the best view I’ve ever seen. So much life, so much going on. I could just stand looking at it for hours.’

Jenna smiled and handed him his glass. ‘That’s London,’ she said. ‘My first days here I was overwhelmed. I almost couldn’t face it. So much to take in all at once.’

‘Do people get used to it?’ he said. ‘Did you?’

‘I got used to it. And then, after that, every other place seemed incredibly, frustratingly slow. Until I went to LA. You become attuned to fast living, infinite choice, constant change. I never, ever thought I’d find myself back in Bledburn. I guess I had to crash for that to happen.’

‘Crash? You mean, the thing with Deano?’

‘The thing with Deano, yeah, and . . . just generally. I was so close to breakdown, Jason. I was this far away from it.’ She showed him her finger and thumb, almost touching. ‘I knew something bad was coming. I jumped before it jumped on me.’

‘Like, mental illness or something?’

‘Something like that, I think. Yes. And now I’m so much calmer. I feel I’ve regained myself, started to see more clearly. That LA life was warping my brain.’

‘Yeah, all that money and luxury. Must be tough.’ Jason laughed sardonically.

‘Don’t, Jason, I’m serious. I mean, I was starting to think like
them
. The people I’d vowed never to be like. I’d always told myself I’d keep my down-to-earth Bledburn attitude but after eight years in LA I was full-on LaLa. I had a nutritionist and a reflexologist.’

Jason laughed again, more kindly this time.

‘Fuck me,’ he said. ‘I don’t know what that even means.’

She put a hand on his knee. ‘Neither do I, love. Not really. And the worst thing was, I was starting to do that thing
they
do. Of despising everyone who isn’t in “the business”. Turning my nose up at people who weren’t perfectly buff and toned and tanned and rich and . . . ugh. So false. I hated what I was becoming. And I can never thank you enough for saving me from it.’

‘Yeah,’ said Jason thoughtfully. ‘I saw a few episodes of that show of yours, back in the day. It wasn’t my kind of thing really, but the bit everyone loved was where they take the piss out of people who are never going to make it. I always thought that was lame. I never liked that.’

Tears prickled in Jenna’s eyes as she felt the justice of Jason’s words.

‘I wouldn’t have done . . . the real me wouldn’t have liked that either. But I lost her . . . somewhere along the way . . .’

Jason shuffled up closer to her, putting an arm around her, letting her rest her head on his shoulder.

‘I’m all right,’ she said. ‘Pass us a tissue, eh?’

He dabbed her eyes and the tip of her nose, then put her glass of wine back in her hand.

‘There you go,’ he said. ‘Anyway, whatever you thought was lost is back now, in full effect, yeah? The real Jenna Myatt.’

She took a slug of the wine. ‘God,’ she said. ‘We were talking about
you
, not me. Sorry to derail. That’s Hollywood again. Turns you into a self-obsessed idiot.’

‘Stop being so hard on yourself.’ He nudged her and winked. ‘That’s my job.’

‘You were talking about how you felt about your life. About how you’d been scared to do anything with it,’ Jenna prompted, laying her head back on his shoulder.

‘Yeah. At first, when I was at primary school, I had big ambitions, like all kids do. I was going to be a superhero, then I was going to be a ninja, then I was going to be a famous graffiti artist. So far so good. Then the usual Bledburn thing happened.’

‘You lost your faith in yourself?’

‘Exactly. That school teaches us we won’t make it unless we toe the line and wear our ties straight and do what we’re told. I’m not that good at doing what I’m told, so the message I got, day in, day out, was that I was heading straight for the scrap heap. You can only fight that for so long before you believe it.’

‘You were a rebel.’ Jenna laughed ruefully. ‘I think we all were, at that school. Nobody saw the point, especially after the pit closed.’