Heart's Surrender (15 page)

“Wait.”

Gillian turned around and looked at Sam, tears streaming down her face.

“You hurt me. A lot,” Sam said, choosing her words with care while searching Gillian’s face for something she didn’t know how to ask for.

Tears glittered on Gillian’s cheeks.

Sam cleared her throat. “But I don’t want you to go.”

They stared at each other.

Sam opened her arms. “Damn. Come here.”

Gillian hesitated only a moment before flinging herself into Sam’s arms.

A wave of Gillian’s exclusive perfume drifted to Sam’s nose, reminding her of a flowery meadow in the middle of summer. One of Sam’s hands found its way to the base of Gillian’s neck and began to gently knead the soft flesh.
This feels so damn good. Why does this have to feel so good?
She closed her eyes and let the closeness and warmth wash over her. A part of her knew that they needed to talk some more, but right now she was tired, felt like shit, and really needed more sleep.

“I’m so sorry.” Gillian sobbed against Sam’s chest. “So sorry.”

Sam rested her chin on Gillian’s head. “I’m sorry too.”

Gillian looked up, her eyes wet. “Why? You have nothing to be sorry for.”

“I should have answered your calls, should have talked to you instead of shutting down like this.” She touched Gillian’s lips with two fingers to stop her from replying. “I still believe that what you did was wrong. It was. We have to talk about it.” She exhaled slowly. “But I missed you.” Saying those words felt unbelievingly good—as scary as they were.

Gillian let her head fall against Sam’s chest again. They stayed like that way for a while, swaying slightly back and forth.

“Hey, Gillian?” Sam finally roused herself to ask.

“Yes,” came the muffled reply.

“I don’t know about you, but I’m really beat.” Her back hurt, her head still hurt, and she was in desperate need of more aspirin.

“Me too.”

“So what do you say about getting some sleep before we have our talk?”

Gillian glanced up. “Sure, let me just call a taxi. Could we maybe talk later today? On the phone?” Her voice quivered.

Sam swallowed. The offer didn’t sound bad. Later she surely would feel more grounded than she did now. But the truth was, she wasn’t ready to let Gillian leave, not when they had just begun to talk again.
Come on, you chicken. Just ask her.
“You look pretty much out of it yourself. Why don’t you take a nap with me? My bed is big enough.”

Surprise and delight replaced the shadows in Gillian’s eyes. “Really? I mean, yes.”

Encouraged, Sam bent to brush her mouth over Gillian’s. It wasn’t much of a kiss...too hasty, too tentative, too nervous but at the same time gentle and heartbreakingly familiar. There was so much between them that Sam really didn’t want to lose. But she didn’t know if they would be able to restore what had once been between them.

A short while later, Gillian traced her finger over the letters on the borrowed T-shirt.

Sam chuckled. Gillian’s expression made it clear that she had problems with the slogan on the front. “You don’t like it?”

“I’m not sure if a shirt with bright pink letters, stating ‘Dip me in honey and feed me to the lesbians’ is helpful for our first attempt at just sleeping next to each other.” Gillian gave her a strained smile, looking pale and tired as she snuggled under the duvet.

“Well, it’s either the one you’re wearing, or ‘She may wear the pants but I wear the strap-on,’ or ‘I eat from the bushy bowl.’”

Gillian grimaced. “That’s gross.”

“I thought that you’d like this one better.”

For a short, awkward moment Sam hesitated in front of the bed. All of a sudden she felt shy around Gillian. Ignoring the unfamiliar feeling, she slowly crawled under the duvet. “I set the alarm for five o’clock. Is that okay for you?”

“Yes, thanks.” Gillian tried to hide a yawn behind her hand. “I’m so tired. Sorry.”

“Me too.” The cool cotton felt good against Sam’s sensitive skin. “Would you, um, like to―”

“Yes.” Gillian scooted over, bridging the distance between them and laid her head on Sam’s shoulder. “Can I?” Her hand hovered over Sam’s stomach.

“Sure.” The soft touch against her middle nearly melted her inside. A pleasant tingle followed, spreading up and down her spine. She was in no condition, mentally or physically to do more than revel in Gillian’s presence, so she told her libido to back off. But she did allow herself to enjoy Gillian’s warm presence in her bed, the soft and sweet-smelling body curled against her.
Hell, holding her feels so good
, was her last coherent thought before sleep claimed her.

CHAPTER 15

Sam put the key in the lock, turned it, and stepped inside the apartment. Darkness welcomed her. She held her breath. Only the low hum of the refrigerator could be heard coming from the kitchen. For a moment she wondered if she should leave again. It was nearly midnight. Chloe had school tomorrow and Victoria was obviously already in bed. A peek into the bedroom couldn’t hurt. Maybe Victoria was still awake. Sam slipped out of her shoes and tiptoed to her sister’s bedroom. The parquet was cold under her feet. The door was ajar. She opened it a bit further and took in the sight before her.

Victoria lay asleep in her bed. On her side. Even after all this time Martin’s side remained untouched. A soft snore cut through the silence of the bedroom.

Sam grinned.
Nice
. She took a few steps toward the bed. Maybe there was some drool running down her sister’s face. She squinted. Nope. No luck. What a shame. Well, she could still tease Victoria about the snores that came out in regular intervals.

Torn between waking her peacefully slumbering sister and leaving, Sam stayed put where she was. A yawn overwhelmed her. She had only slept a few hours the last two nights since Gillian had left. Her thoughts started to run amok as soon as she closed her eyes. The long phone call with Gillian earlier tonight hadn’t helped to calm her mind. Sam needed to sort out her feelings. Linda wasn’t the best choice for this since her attitude toward Gillian was bordering on hostile. Which left only Victoria. Slowly making her way to the bed, she stepped on a creaky board. “Shit.”

“What…” Victoria sat bolt upright in bed and pressed a hand to her heart. “Sam? What are you doing here?” She switched the light on before she looked at the clock on her nightstand. “Do you have any idea what time it is?”

Sam shrugged. “Sure I do. That’s why I didn’t call. I don’t want Chloe to wake up.”

“But you wanted to give me a heart attack?” She snatched the blanket over her head and fell back against her pillow with a grunt. “Go away.”

“Sorry.” Sam sat down on the other side of the bed. “But I really need to talk.”

“Now?” Victoria’s voice was muffled through the blanket.

“Yes, now.”

“I’m too old for shit like this.” She growled but put the blanket away. She curled up on her side, facing Sam. “What are we going to talk about?”

“Gillian.”

Victoria made a gagging sound. “Young love. I hate it. And I don’t want to listen to you talking dirty.”

“Yeah, well. At the moment I hate young love too.”

She cocked an eyebrow. “Did something happen?”

“No shit, Sherlock.” Sam sighed and ran her hand over the duvet. The fabric was soft and cool under her fingers.

“Oh, all right. But you owe me. Big time.” She climbed out of bed and slipped a pale blue bathrobe over her shoulders. Sighing, she pushed a hand through her hair. “We might as well have a glass of wine and some snacks to make this a real midnight party.”

Sam followed her into the kitchen and closed the door behind them. Chloe wasn’t a light sleeper but she wouldn’t stay in bed if she heard her aunt. While Victoria opened a bottle of red wine, Sam poured herself a glass of water.

“Water? I do have cold beer.”

Sam shook her head. Just the thought of alcohol made her stomach do not-so-funny things. “No thanks, water is fine.”

“You really do look like shit.” Victoria took a bag of pretzels out of the cupboard and opened it. “Want some?”

“Thanks.” Sam sat down. “Yes.”

“All right.” Victoria plopped down opposite Sam and put the open bag between them. “Spill it.”

Now, that Sam was sitting here talking suddenly didn’t seem like such a good idea anymore. She picked up the glass of water and held it in her hands. How was she supposed to form coherent sentences about something that made her insides churn? She put the glass down again. “Gillian…she hurt me.”

“How? What happened?”

Sam looked up. This was a safe place. This was Victoria. Sam took a deep breath and told her sister the whole sordid tale from the meeting in the coffee shop to what happened at The Labrys and the following day.

“Holy crap.” Victoria leaned forward, elbows on the table, hands clasped. “Why didn’t you call me after what happened at the coffee shop?”

“I didn’t want to talk to anyone.” Sam picked up a pretzel and crumbled it between her fingers. “I’m still not sure how I made it home that day without causing an accident. It was like sleep walking…or maybe more like nightmare walking.” She blinked away the tears that threatened to fall. It didn’t take much to make her cry these days.

“You’re like a wounded animal.”

Sam huffed.

“It’s true. Every time you get hurt, you hide.” Victoria reached over the table and grabbed Sam’s hand. “But you don’t need to hide, Sam. I’m always here for you. Just like you’ve been here for us after Martin’s death. We’re sisters.”

“Well, I’m here now.”

“Yes. Though it doesn’t necessarily have to be the dead of the night when you finally come out of your hiding place.” Victoria squeezed Sam’s hand. “So, you’re talking again?”

“Yes. Over the phone.”

“And that’s a good thing, right?” A small crease appeared between Victoria’s eyebrows.

“Yes, it is.” And it was. Even though it was strange, talking about deep shit while not seeing the other person—it was also easier to do so at times. They had covered a lot of topics these past two nights.

“So, what is the problem?”

Sam stared down at the half-empty glass in front of her. “I’m not sure if love is enough.”

“Enough for what?”

“For a future. Together.”

Victoria let out a low whistle. “So, you’re in love with her?”

“I don’t know. I’m definitely close. But I’m not sure if I can trust her.”

Victoria nodded and kept quiet.

“It’s so strange. Because one always believes that once you’re in love everything falls into place. But I...that’s just not true.” Sam fought to keep her voice steady. “I realized over the past few days since the coffee shop incident that love and trust both have to be earned. And freely given.” Saying those words out loud hurt as much as throwing them around in her head. “And it’s not the love thing I have a problem with.“

Victoria took a sip of her wine before she said, “It was a shitty thing she did.”

“Yeah.”

“So, I guess the question is if you’re able to forgive her. And if you want to take another chance.”

Sam sighed, drumming her fingers on the wooden table. “It’s not that easy. I already told her that I forgive her and I really want to. But my heart still hurts and I’m still angry.”

“I know. But, Sam…You’ll never know how a relationship will develop or how it’ll turn out. And even with the best relationship sometimes the universe throws you a curveball when you least expect it. But you can’t let fear dictate your life.”

Sam was tempted to destroy another pretzel between her fingers. Or to thump her head against the table. Anything that would help her get rid of the nervous energy coursing through her body. “I’m afraid.”

“Yes. Life is terrifying. Love is terrifying. But love is also the one thing that makes getting up in the morning and facing life a lot easier.” Victoria shrugged. “Love isn’t the solution to everything. But it sure makes life a lot more interesting and colorful. And I really, really miss being in love.”

Now it was Sam who reached over the table to take Victoria’s hand in hers. “You’ll find it again, Vic. You will.”

“Maybe. Yes. But Martin set the bar pretty high.” Her smile was sad. “Still, I’m open for something new. Well, I’ve started thinking about it. And that is definitely something new.”

Sam shook her head and smiled. “And you have Chloe. That’s something, right.”

“That is everything. She reminds me so much of her father. Sometimes it takes my breath away.”

Sam smiled. “She sure has some of his mannerisms.”

“And his stubbornness.”

“Though she could have inherited that one from you as well.”

“Look, who’s talking.” Victoria stuck her tongue out.

Sam threw a pretzel at her and hit Victoria squarely in the head. “At least my aim has always been better than yours.”

“I will not start a childish fight with you this late at night.” Victoria leaned across the table. “But watch your back. I’ll get you when you least expect it.”

“In your dreams.”

They stared at each other. Sam was fighting hard against the laughter that bubbled up somewhere deep inside her. Victoria always knew how to make her feel better.

Her sister’s mouth twitched. “You’re a goof. But seriously. What do you want to do? With Gillian?”

Sam huffed. “I want to turn back time. I want the relationship back that we had before.”

“Well, if wishes were horses and so on.”

“What if I trust her and she pulls another stunt like that?”

“Oh, Sam. I wish I could tell you that everything will be okay. But we’re talking about real life here. From what you’ve told me she has some baggage herself. Being a single mother with two children…having this kind of background and above all not being out herself... This can’t be easy for her.” Victoria trailed her finger around the rim of her wine glass. “I admire her courage. To ignore whatever shadow was haunting her, to find you and to fight for you. That has to count for something, doesn’t it?”

“I know.” Sam sighed. “We’ve been talking about this a lot. And I do understand where she is coming from. I really do. But…I’m afraid. Really, really afraid. What if she breaks my fucking heart?”

“Sam, whatever you decide, I’ll support you. And if she hurts you again I’ll kick her ass, being the big sister that I am.”

“You’re the younger one.”

“Yes, well. I’ll behave like a big sister if it ever comes to that.”

“All right.” Sam grinned. She had no doubt that Victoria would follow through on the threat. “Gillian told me that she wants to go back to school.”

“School?”

“Well, university. To pick up something she had started before she met her husband.”

“I think that for you talking on the phone so much is really a good thing. Getting to know each other builds trust.”

“She’s sharing a lot of her daily life with me. And she’s talking about the things she’s afraid of.”

“That’s a good thing, right?”

“Yes, it is.” Sam suppressed a yawn. Barely.

Victoria got up from her chair. “Come on, tiger. You can sleep here tonight, have breakfast with us, and decide how you want to play this in the morning.”

“Will there be pancakes?”

“Yes, I’ll even make pancakes.”

“All right. But only if you promise not to snore.”

Victoria stared at Sam, arms akimbo. “I. Do. Not. Snore.”

“You absolutely do snore.” Sam laughed out loud. “Funny. I feel so much better now.”

They went into the bedroom. Victoria slipped out of her bathrobe and into bed.

Sam kicked her pants off, folded them, and plopped them on a chair. As she climbed into bed she realized that she did feel much better, much lighter than when she arrived. Even though no problems had been solved…just talking about it had helped lift the weight. A bit. With a sigh she put her head on the pillow. “Night, Vic.”

“Night, Sam.”