Heat Wave (13 page)

“I hate you!” Cisco screamed.

Startled, Carley stared at her older daughter, quickly checking for signs of injury. Cisco was in a full-blown tantrum, her face splotched with anger, her eyes streaming with tears.

“Cisco, honey.” Carley went toward her child. “Cis, what on earth has happened?”

“You have happened!” Cisco screamed. “You with your great big enormous bones! Your monster swimmer’s shoulders! You’ve ruined me! Why did you ever have to give birth to me?”

Madame Fourier must finally have told Cisco the terrible truth: Cisco could never have a career as a ballerina. Like Carley, she was tall, with wide shoulders and, increasingly, a real bosom.

“Cisco.” Carley tried to embrace her daughter but Cisco shoved her off. “You need to calm down, Cisco. You’re working yourself into a state.”

“Into a state? You want me to calm down? My life is over and you want me to calm down!”

“Cisco, your life is not over.”

“The life I want is over. My dreams are over.”

“You’ll have new dreams. I promise you, you’ll have new dreams—”

Cisco dropped to her knees. Her shoulders shook. “I don’t want new dreams. Oh, Mommy, why didn’t you tell me? Why did you let me take ballet? Why did you let me go on believing I could be a ballerina?”

“Darling, when you started ballet, you were just a kid, like Margaret. Neither of us could guess you’d come to love it so much.”

“You could
guess
I’d look like
you
.”

Carley knelt next to her daughter. Reaching out, she took Cisco’s hand. “You look like me, true, but not
exactly
like me, Cisco. You’ve got a lot of genes mixed up inside you, we all do. You have your father’s black hair and eyes. For all I knew, you’d end up with narrow shoulders like Auntie Sarah. The point is, you may be too broad-shouldered for ballet, but you can still dance—”

Cisco shook her head violently. “I’ll never dance again.”

“Oh, honey, that would be terrible. You love to dance. Didn’t Madame Fourier suggest something else—modern dance, for example?”

“No, she didn’t! Because the truth is, I’m an Amazon, I’m an ostrich, I’m a giraffe!”

“Cisco,” Carley laughed. “Come on. You’re hardly—” Cisco pushed up off the floor. She seethed with anger. “Go on, laugh at me. Laugh at me because I’m too hulking to ever be a ballerina. You must have been making fun of me all along!
Everyone
must have been laughing at me to think that great big huge Cisco could be a ballerina! I wish I’d never been born!”

Carley reached out for her daughter. “Cisco, my darling—”

“Don’t touch me! I hate you! You’ve ruined my life!” Cisco ran from the room.

Carley’s heart ached. But what could she do? Everyone saw dreams die, that was part of what growing up was about. When Carley was very young, she wanted to grow up to be a horse, not a cowgirl, but a horse. When Sarah was Cisco’s age, she’d wanted to be a NASCAR driver. It was heartbreaking, but Cisco would survive. She would find other dreams. And Carley was glad this particular dream had met its end. Maybe now her daughter would eat.

• • • • •

C
arley would have spent more time fretting about Cisco’s broken heart if she hadn’t been so overwhelmed with the way summer was spinning toward her.

Finally the day came to set up the rooms. One Sunday in April, she invited Lauren and her husband Frame and their three children, and Wyatt and his girlfriend Angie over to move furniture and, in return, enjoy a luncheon feast. The men carried chairs, end tables, antique writing desks, old paintings, and framed maps of the island down to the guest rooms. They screwed in curtain rods and hung draperies. They set up the new bed frames and mattresses. Carley and Lauren sailed crisp white cotton sheets over the beds, and Margaret tenderly unwrapped the exquisite new soaps. Even Cisco, still furious with her mother, found herself unable to resist the excitement and joined in to help. They hung thick new towels on the racks, arranged seashell-shaped soaps in the azure soap dishes, folded feather-soft afghans over the arms of the chairs.

When they were finished, Lauren stepped back, folded her arms, and asked, “When can I move in?”

Carley laughed. The rooms were gorgeous, tranquil and dreamy. “They do look inviting, don’t they?”

“You have a gift for this,” Lauren told her.

With a lift of her heart, Carley thought:
maybe I do!

•   •   •

When the work was done, Carley and the others brought lunch to the table beneath the grape arbor. It was the first day warm enough for eating outside, and she’d spent last night preparing picnic food: cold pesto-rolled chicken cutlets, Parmesan potato salad, macaroni salad—the children’s favorite—arugula and spinach, sliced tomatoes, the first early sweet ones of the season, and four different kinds of cookies for dessert. The children ate fast and raced off into the yard, leaving the adults to enjoy their conversation.

“Wyatt,” Lauren asked, taking a second helping of potato salad, “where’s Angie? I thought she was coming.”

Wyatt shrugged. “Angie’s not big on physical labor. I think she went over to the Cape.”

“You think?” Lauren cocked an eye at him. “Is there trouble in Paradise?”

“Lauren.” Wyatt lowered his head and gave her a level glare. “No one ever said it was Paradise. We’re just friends.”

“Leave the man alone, for Pete’s sake!” Frame bellowed. “You women.”

Carley refrained from pointing out that she hadn’t said a thing. “—do you, Carley?”

“Oh, sorry, Frame, what did you say?” Fortunately just at that moment a soccer ball rolled under her feet. She tossed it back to the kids.

“I said it seems to me your kids are doing fine,” Frame repeated.

Carley looked out at the yard. Fourteen-year-old Nicholas, nine-year-old Rosalind, and five-year-old Will were playing against twelve-year-old Cisco and five-year-old Margaret in a nonsense game they’d named “Kick-Steal,” which was basically a free-for-all with the big kids protecting the little kids from getting tackled.

“They’re having a good time now.” Carley lowered her voice. “Cisco’s had a rough week. Madame Fourier told her that her shoulders are too wide for her to become a classical ballerina. She’s devastated, and furious at me.”

“Why is she mad at you?” Wyatt asked.

“Because she got her big shoulders from me.”

“Your shoulders aren’t
big
,” Wyatt objected. “They’re perfectly—” All at once he looked embarrassed. “Fine,” he muttered. “Perfectly fine.” He crammed another cookie into his mouth.

Across the table, Lauren said, “I have an idea. Has Cisco ever ridden? Why don’t you bring her over and let’s put her on one of our horses and see if she likes it.”

“Your horses are twelve feet tall,” Carley gulped.

“They only look that tall. They’re all loves. I’ll bet Cisco would take to it. She’s just the right age.”

“All right,” Carley agreed. “We’ll try it.” She was ready to try anything to make her older daughter smile.

At the end of the day, Lauren and Frame rounded up their three children and went home. Wyatt helped Carley bring the food into the kitchen. It was only natural for Carley to offer him some wine. Cisco went up to her room to tap on her computer, and Margaret settled in her own room with her dolls. The evening was still bright with early spring sunshine, but the air was chilly.

“Let’s sit in the living room,” Carley told Wyatt. “I could use a soft cushion after working all day.”

For a few moments, they sipped their wine in silence. Carley allowed herself to look at Wyatt, really
look
at him. He was as handsome as always, even in his old stained work shirt, but his eyes were weary and silver sparkled in his glossy brown hair. Surely Wyatt was too young for silver hair.

“Wyatt, how are you doing?”

“Oh, I’m all right.”

“No, seriously, Wyatt. Tell me.” When he didn’t reply, she prompted, “Do you miss Gus?”

“Of course I do. I miss him like hell.” Wyatt’s face creased. He rubbed his hand over his forehead. “I feel so damned guilty.”

“
You!
Wyatt, why should you feel guilty?”

Wyatt looked down into his wineglass. “I knew Gus was unhappy with the law. I knew he wanted to make more money. He was investing heavily, and not always wisely. When he lost it all, I loaned him some money, but it wasn’t enough. He wanted more. I couldn’t give it to him.”

“I didn’t know that. I was aware that he was playing the stock markets but I certainly had no idea he’d borrowed money from you. How much?”

“That’s not the point, Carley. The point is I wish I’d been a better friend to him.”

“Wyatt, remember, Gus didn’t die because he was worried about money. He died because of a faulty heart valve no one knew he had.” Softly, she said, “Wyatt, Gus was your best friend.”

Wyatt’s voice was hoarse. “Yes.” Wyatt bent over, elbows on knees, head in hands, and his shoulders shook.

Carley sat very still. She could feel Wyatt’s grief rising off him like a mist, a fog of misery and guilt and sorrow. Her heart ached for Wyatt, for Gus, for herself. She wanted to pat his back like a mother consoling a child, but she didn’t reach to touch him.

“Sorry, Carley.” He stood up suddenly, setting his glass on the coffee table. “I’d better get out of here. I’m tired and sounding downright maudlin.”

She followed him to the door. “Wyatt, I want to pay you back the money Gus borrowed. How much is it?”

Wyatt shook his head. “Carley, don’t even think about it. It was nothing.”

“But—”

“Really.”

“Oh, Wyatt, that’s unnecessary. But thank you. Thank you for helping today, too.”

Wyatt smiled down at Carley. “I’m always glad to be here.” He kissed her cheek lightly.

Then he was gone.

•   •   •

Sunday night, after Carley had Margaret tucked away in bed, she knocked on Cisco’s door.

Cisco looked up. She was in her pajamas, lounging on her bed with her laptop open. She just stared at her mother.

Carley sat on the end of Cisco’s bed. “Can we talk a little?”

Cisco didn’t look at Carley. “Like I have an option?”

“Well, I guess that’s right. No, you don’t have an option.” She considered her words. “You spent last night with Granddad and Nana. How was it?”

Cisco picked at the skin around her thumbnail. “Okay.”

“Did Nana help you feel better about not being a ballerina?”

Cisco hunched her shoulders. “I guess. She said life is a process of losing what we love.”

“But Cisco!” Carley grasped her daughter’s hands. “That’s so sad. That’s not the way Nana thinks when she’s her normal self. Goodness! Life isn’t just about loss.”

After a moment, Cisco whispered, “Nana cried.”

“Honey, we all cry about losing Daddy.”

Cisco peeked up at her mother. “Nana lost her
son
. Her only child. She’ll never be able to replace him, just like I’ll never be able to replace my father. But
you …
”

Carley sat very still. When Cisco didn’t continue, she prompted, “Go on.”

Cisco didn’t speak.

“You mean that I’ll be able to replace my husband?”

Cisco shuddered and hugged herself tight, but couldn’t keep it in. “Isn’t that the truth? You’re young, Nana says! You’re pretty, Nana says. Men will be coming around to help you …”

“Cisco, no man will ever be able to replace your father. Gus and I had a life together for thirteen years. We
made
you. We
made
Margaret. We were a happy family. You
know
that, Cisco. Your father loved me and I loved him.”

Reaching out, she took her daughter’s foot in her hands. Cisco didn’t pull it away.

Carley continued, “Annabel and Russell could never doubt that Gus and I loved each other.”

“Nana wants me to go live with her.” Cisco chewed her lip.

“Cisco, I am fully aware they want us to live with them, but that’s not even practical. You’re too young to have to hear about all the financial aspects of owning a house, but …”

“I said,
I
should go live with her. Just me.”

Carley was appalled. “Oh, Cisco! What about Margaret?”

“She said Margaret could stay with you.”

“But it would break Margaret’s heart if you didn’t live with her, Cisco! She’s your little sister! My God, what is Annabel
thinking
!” Distraught, Carley pushed off the bed and paced the room. Anger and desperation made her voice shake. She dropped to her knees and gripped Cisco by the arms. “You are
my
daughter.
Mine
. You might not like that, but you can’t change it. Nothing can change it. I take care of you. I always have and I always will. If I want to sell this house and move to Australia with you and Margaret, that’s my right and no one can stop me!”

“Mom, you’re hurting my arms.”

“Well, you’re hurting my
heart
!” But Carley released her hold.

Cisco whispered, “I don’t want Nana to die.”

“What?” Carley moved up Cisco’s bed, sitting next to her. Cisco scooted over, making room. They sat side by side, leaning against the pillows. Carley could feel the tension in her daughter’s body. “Cisco, Nana’s not going to die, honey.”

“If Daddy had a weak heart, he might have gotten it from Nana’s side of the family. Nana’s heart …”

“Nonsense,” Carley stoutly objected. “Look how healthy Nana is. She eats well. She exercises. She’s not overweight. She takes care of herself. And she’s got Granddad to love her and watch over her. And she’s got us, but we don’t have to
live
with her for her to have us.”

Cisco wasn’t reassured. Studying her daughter, Carley thought: this isn’t about how Cisco feels about me.
It’s how she feels about her grandmother. Cisco wants to do something. She wants some control of something in a world where all control has been wrenched away
. After a moment, Carley offered, “What if you spent every Saturday night with Nana?”

“Why not more? Why not three nights a week? Nana says—”

“I couldn’t stand to have you away so often. Margaret would be miserable. And I am the official keeper of your schedule! This is your
home
.”