Heaven or Hell (9 page)

God, she hadn’t thought about grammar school for years, and she hadn’t realized those days still bothered her so much. Jessie shook off the memory and focused on the present.

She flipped open the cover of the notebook and fanned the pages, not at all recognizing her brother’s penmanship. From the first sheet to the last, the pages were filled with doodles and writing. No date, no headers, no indication of when the journal had been written. Jessie took a deep breath and read.

My wife, Marion, is angry. She’s been mad at me almost as many years as she’s been dead. We raised our daughters together. We built a life together. Our world came apart when she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.

I’ve learned, over time, if something is meant to happen it will happen. But I was not prepared for the death of our youngest daughter, Angela, during Marion’s chemo treatments. Teresa, our oldest daughter, was driving the car, and a hit and run driver left them both for dead, a tragedy that hastened the passing of my wife.

Within months of one another, both my soul mate and my baby were gone. So I lost it. I gave Teresa no support, no care while I drank myself into a living hell.

I met Marion when we were kids. Well, I say kids, but legally we were adults. She was hanging out with Patricia, the girlfriend of some guy who spent time around us when we were in high school. I can’t remember the guy’s name anymore. Oh, well, neither of them was a part of our lives after Marion and I met. At the time, I was a dog toward the ladies. At twenty, I had plenty of girls lined up and didn’t mind adding more. Until I met Marion.

When I saw Marion, there went my heart, although she didn’t seem to be interested in me at all. Oh yeah, she was still young, at seventeen. Small frame, long black shiny hair, petite nose, and a beautiful white smile that sparkled next to her tan skin. I was going to add her to the list of ladies that I loved, but Marion was smart. She knew I was a player, so she treated me like shit, and this made me want her even more. I’m smiling right now thinking about it.

Me and the boys hung out regularly at Hermosa Park. We’d juice up our crappy little cars and loiter around the parking lot there. I always had with me a big can of Schlitz. Just a bunch of punks thinking we were badass. I laughed out loud when I wrote that.

I must say my Marion kept me on the straight and narrow most of the time … that is, after I finally convinced her she wanted to date me. Eventually, we became inseparable. Something the boys thought would never happen, and they told me I was whipped! Then before I knew it, I had a job at the Post Office and was married to the love of my life. Yep, I was a changed man, or at least I thought I was.

By the time Teresa was born, I was working for Gordy’s Auto shop. Yep, I moved around from job to job, but I was always employed. What a dreamer. I could do it better than anyone and wanted the world for my family. I wanted to own my own business, or I wanted to help people. I just couldn’t decide what to do. So, I went to night school when Teresa was a baby. And, oh heaven forbid I let my wife work.

I was the man of the family—she was to be taken care of by me. And we did well in that respect for quite some time. This element of our lives was a product of my culture. The more subtle part of my Hispanic blood was the fact that at home my wife was the boss. I know, most of the men of a Latino persuasion won’t admit the power of their woman. But Marion was my world, and she was in charge. Except when it came to her getting a job. I still had my pride. Besides, I don’t think she minded staying at home and raising the girls.

Teresa and her mother were close, real close. And what a beautiful baby she was. Gosh, about four years later Daddy’s Girl surprised us with her arrival. Angela looked very much like me, and from the beginning, as a baby, she remained calm in my arms. No mistaking she was my little girl, but they both were. And Marion felt exactly the same way. It just happened that I was Angela’s closest parent and Marion was Teresa’s.

When we were kids, my little sister, Jessie, and I were close, and then when we grew up, she liked to hang around the family’s house; her life seemed to revolve around my girls. Jessie was an extension of my family—well, she is my family. I hope one day we get to say our good-byes.

As I ramble, with pen in hand, that’s the purpose of this crazy ranting. I might not make it to see my family again and I’d like to leave something behind for Teresa, Jessie, and my namesake—Uncle Joe—as well as my grandson JJ to explain my behavior and what has happened over the years.

Right now, my body is angry. Decades of binge drinking and drugging has caught up with me. About five years ago I had a gallstone attack that focused the hospital on my liver, and that was when the cirrhosis was detected and I sobered up.

Unfortunately, the damage is irreversible. But I’ve lived longer than they thought, and I’m still able to manage my work right now. I use a cane sometimes, occasionally a wheel chair. I can’t say when the last time I—my body, my physical being—felt good to be alive. I hurt all over and I must say, occasionally I do have some serious bouts of self-pity. But I’m not a martyr. I don’t believe anyone deserves this type of pain.

The ringing of the telephone interrupted Jessie’s reading. “Shoot,” Jessie whispered as she picked up the phone.

“Hello.”

“Aunt Jessie?”

“Yes, Teresita.”

“JJ makes the best argument for seeing Dad. We’d like you to come with us.”

“Yep, yep. Okay, let’s go now before you change your mind.” As intrigued as she was by the notebook, it’d have to wait because Jessie didn’t intend to let her niece change her mind.

“Meet us at the hospital then. We’ll wait in the lobby,” Teresa said.

CHAPTER 9
 

THE ABSENCE OF JUAN SEEMED TO create a stillness in the center that disturbed Father Benjamin. The priest had expected a lot from his friend, and he realized this now as he sat in his office and contemplated his own next move. What business was it of his if Juan had made mistakes in his life?

Father Benjamin wasn’t proud of his behavior toward Juan throughout these last weeks of the man’s life. The priest had been quite disappointed and hurt over the whole situation, and now he believed he’d handled himself horribly. At least Juan was trying to make up for his own bad decisions, and when all is said and done the family might reunite with him. The priest decided to go to the hospital and update Juan. It was a reason to see his friend, for what might even be a final time.

When Father Benjamin arrived at the hospital a few minutes later, he somehow managed to make it through the waiting room where the kitchen gals and folks from the shelter had been holding a vigil. He slipped directly into Juan’s room unnoticed. Once there, reality slapped the father in the face as soon as he heard the monitors and machines whirring and beeping around Juan’s sleeping body. The priest sat down in the chair next to Juan’s bed and leaned his head against the wall, shutting his eyes for a moment.

“Oh, Father. I didn’t know you were here.” The nurse’s voice woke him.

“I must’ve dosed off waiting for Juan to wake up.” The priest looked at his watch and noticed that he’d probably been asleep for a half an hour.

“The doctor didn’t tell you? He’s in a coma,” the nurse said.

“Oh, no. I didn’t know that.” The priest stood up and leaned in to get a closer look at Juan. “He’s so peaceful. I thought he was asleep.”

“He might wake up. It happens sometimes.” The nurse checked the IV, the monitors, and then spoke as she left. “I’ll see you later, Father.”

“Juan, I did it.” The priest bent down and whispered to the oblivious man, “I met your daughter and your sister. I don’t know if they’ll be visiting, but there’s a strong chance of it.”

Father Benjamin touched Juan’s forehead and with every ounce of his being prayed for his friend—ending the prayer with a single wish, “… and may you return from this state to spend some time with your family. God bless your soul.”

The priest stood and turned to leave then he paused for a moment. Oh how he hoped Juan would wake up again, but he felt this was the last time he’d see the man alive. “Good-bye, my friend. I’m sorry I was so hard on you. I know you were doing the best you could.”

He exited the room and walked through the halls of the hospital where the typical chemical smell of the medical center assailed his nostrils. The place seemed crowded tonight with what appeared to be relatives and friends of patients, most of whom displayed worried looks on their faces. Father Benjamin walked by a few kids out of control and heard a nurse snap at someone. Unfortunately, there was not much good news to be shared in this facility.

As he rounded the corner on his way to the exit, he noticed three women and a man at the end of the hallway. The priest was unsure why he was drawn to these people, but he acknowledged the shorter woman looked familiar. He walked directly toward the little huddle, and as he got closer, he recognized Jessie and Teresa with a young man who was probably Juan’s grandson.

“Well, hello,” said Father Benjamin. “I thought I saw another young lady standing next to you.”

“Hello, Father. This is my nephew, JJ,” Jessie said with a forced smile.

The priest noticed the older woman’s demeanor change entirely as she spoke, just as earlier today she’d seemed uncomfortable inside the church.

“I could have sworn I saw another young lady standing with you. I must be tired.” The priest reached out to Jessie in an attempt to reassure her, but she jumped back, startled.

“No, it’s only the three of us. We were just about to head over to Joe’s room.” Teresa’s voice tightened and her mouth appeared pinched. “You know, Father, my son convinced me to say my good-byes and make my peace.”

A warm sensation flowed through the priest’s heart. He was glad for them. “I’m sure that your dad will be pleased to see you. His room is down the hall. Just keep going—it’ll seem like a football field away.” The priest waved his arm toward the room. “Somehow I managed to get past Anna and some of the other folks a little while back. They may still be lurking about, but I’ll see if I can make sure your visit is uninterrupted.”

“How’s my brother doing, Father?” Jessie asked.

“I didn’t talk to the doctor, so I’m not sure of the complete diagnosis. But the nurse informed me his peaceful rest is more than a nap. She said he slipped into a coma earlier today. I’m sorry to be the one to share this with you, and now that I think about it, he probably won’t be able to talk to you. But I’m sure he’ll know you’re there.”

“Oh, my …” Jessie’s voice trailed off, “I hope we’re not too late.”

“Aunt Jessie, it’ll be okay.” As Teresa turned and spoke to the priest, her tone shifted from the gentleness aimed at her aunt to the same type of indifference she’d shown earlier that afternoon. “Father, I take it that Joe has no knowledge of our meeting today, then?”

“Funny you should mention that. I had a short conversation with him a few moments ago because I’ve heard patients in a coma remain aware of what people around them say. I’ve got to believe there’s some form of understanding. I did tell him you might be stopping in.”

JJ leaned in and whispered loudly to his mom, “Mom, lighten up on the padre. He’s only trying to help.”

Teresa put a hand on her son’s shoulder and responded in such a low tone the father was unable to recognize what was said. But both mother and son laughed.

“Well, I’ll let you folks get on with your visit. If I can do anything for you, please let me know.” The priest sighed as he moved quickly through the exit to make his way to the rectory. He hoped he’d done his best for Juan’s family.

CHAPTER 10
 

ANGEL STOOD THERE, IN HER CLOUD, disappointed. The man who claimed to be her father had been here and then was gone—right at the moment of revealing the mystery of her life. Her pups would be okay on their own. She had to go see him at the hospital.

She hesitated for a moment. Hospitals were full of lost beings, and most of them were in an ugly spiritual condition. Unlike beings in bodies who saw right through Angel, these disincarnate hospital dwellers could see her, and they were needy. The hospital was a busy place for her and one of her least favorite places to visit. She couldn’t remember why she’d been to hospitals in the past, this was just something she knew, just as she now knew she had to go and see him. Regardless of her feelings, she needed verification that the man in her cloud had been Joe, and that Joe was her father.

Within seconds, Angel stood in front of the medical center where Teresa and JJ had just entered the facility. Her timing was impeccable, so she followed close behind her possible sister and nephew.

“What’s the plan, Mom?” JJ asked.

“We’ll wait for Aunt Jessie to get here, and then we’ll go to Joe’s room and say our good-byes.” Teresa looked at her phone.

“Are you working?” JJ asked, sounding a bit cross with his mother.

“Nope. Checking e-mails and seeing if Aunt Jessie called, and it’s all in one device. Gotta love technology.” Teresa smiled at her son and then added, “You need a haircut.”

“Yes, what’s with this deprivation? I need new shoes, too.”

“Now you’re pushing it.” Teresa led JJ past the reception area into the corridor. “Let’s wait over here, out of the way. I don’t want to run into the ‘do-gooders.’ I’m sure they’re here somewhere. They all love my dad.”

“Who?” JJ looked around as he followed Teresa quickly through the waiting area, almost unable to keep up. “What’s your hurry?”

“Shhh, I don’t want to talk to the church folks.” Teresa tried to move JJ to a spot between her and the lounge, but he fidgeted away from her tugs. “Hold still.”

“What’d you call them?”

“The ‘do-gooders.’ That type drives me crazy because they’re always into everyone’s business.”

Angel stood next to Teresa and closely examined her facial expressions and her demeanor. She didn’t really pay attention to JJ until he spoke again.