Hell's Geek (16 page)

“Blow something up. It’s a great stress reliever.” Lucifer’s philosophy on most anything that bothers him.

Stepping forth from the portal, Lucifer held his wench’s hand and took instant note of the action. For those obsessed with exact details—
How did you know where to go?
—he’d pinpointed the coordinates using HPS tracking on Adexios’ Hellphone. Not up to date on Hell’s latest technology? HPS stood for the Hell Positioning System.

Of course, Lucifer’s use of the coordinates with his magic didn’t always translate perfectly, hence why he found himself a few degrees off course.

But those few degrees meant perfection, as he found himself arriving just as a battle commenced.

And no one invited me!

Funny thing considering Adexios and that Amazon wench were both about to get turned into Swiss cheese—the authentic kind, not that dairy creation on the mortal plane—and yet hadn’t bothered to give him a shout.

Adexios was turning out to be a hog when it came to excitement and adventure. Time to remind him who was boss—and was the undefeated champion when it came to killing those who threatened his rule. Although Muriel was doing her best to catch up. A good thing he was somewhat fond of her, or she’d have visited the abyss a while ago.

Lucifer couldn’t quite dump Charon’s kid in a bottomless hole—damned friendship! However, he did intend to a talk with that boy, and that would probably work better if Adexios was alive for it.

That Nemo is turning into a pain in my ass. The kind without lube. He thinks he’s going to kill more of my people?
I think not.

With a stare that surely reflected the fires of hell—something numerous painters had yet to properly convey in portrait—Lucifer batted the bullets to the ground.

However, before he turned his attention to the gun turret, Gaia said, in a firm voice that never failed to delight him, especially when she used it to give him orders in the bedroom, “Let me take care of Nemo. I think your prowess will be needed elsewhere.”

“You mean you want me to go off and bang someone? I thought that was a major no-no.”

“Not that prowess,” Gaia growled. “Your fighting one. Take a look over there.”

Letting his gaze follow her pointed finger, Lucifer caught his breath in delight. It seemed he would get that battle he’d hoped for. From the waters that lapped against the bobbing sub poured forth monsters and beasts, the likes of which he’d never seen. Two-legged frogmen, giant-sized crabs, and was that the tentacles of a kraken waving in there? Surely that watery lagoon was too small to hold them all, but explain that to the monsters that erupted in a wave and headed for the shore.

Adexios and Valaska wisely retreated to stand by them.

Somewhat mollified that they’d bowed to his superior skill, he decided not to feed them to the hellodiles in his moat.

“Where are those things coming from?” Lucifer asked, even as he knew it had to be a portal. An unauthorized one. “These creatures do not belong here.” And he was totally wearing the wrong outfit for the occasion. He’d put on his uniform, with a few casual touches to remind Nemo who got to get between Gaia’s thighs.

Me and only me.

Dressed to impress, Lucifer had only expected to deal with the bearded fellow who called himself a captain, and yet, judging by the approaching crustacean wave, he should have worn his clamming outfit. His thigh-high waders had been made by the same company as his slicker. The duckies appeared magnificent on his boots and, even better, were also found embroidered on the suspenders that held the waders up.

“There’s got to be a portal somewhere,” Adexios announced.

Too late. I already thought it.

Valaska pointed to the rustic hut. “I’ll bet they’ve got the portal machine inside that hut.”

“Come on, let’s go blow it up.” Adexios grasped the Amazon’s hand—who, in a surprise move, allowed it instead of chopping the appendage off. The pair ran to the hut, but some of the crab creatures scuttled to block their way.

“Hey, get back over here,” Lucifer yelled. “You’re supposed to be my fight.” He didn’t let his minions fight alone.

What Valaska didn’t decimate with her sword, Lucifer grabbed with power and flung. Even Adexios joined the battle, swinging a stick.

Whee!
Lucifer was having a grand time flinging the creatures around. Until he realized the wave seemed never ending. He began to conserve some of his magic. Even an omnipotent demon had his limits.

As did a certain goddess.

Slowing down meant he took a peek over at his wench, who’d kept herself busy.

Vines extended from the jungle, long green ropy strands that bound Nemo against his gun turret. But that wasn’t all his show-off fiancée did. Expending a chunk of magic, she’d animated some trees, her new favorite trick ever since that damned movie with the hobbit. She let out a giggle when the leafy warriors uprooted themselves and stomped into the fray.

Her treemen, though, couldn’t take the place of real warriors, and they lacked the numbers to fight the horde.

“I need my army,” Lucifer grumbled.

“Or an explosion,” Gaia mumbled, toeing the ground beneath her bare foot—with its dainty toes painted a light pink.

“Are you hiding a bomb under those skirts, wench?” She certainly had a trigger between her thighs for getting him to blow.

“Kiss me,” she asked him.

“Now?” He flicked a wave of power at the encroaching sea monsters.

“Yes, now, and don’t hold back,” she added, grabbing him by the lapels and yanking him close.

Debauchery in the midst of battle? He was good with that.

Lucifer slanted his mouth over hers, loving the crisp sweet and yet tart flavor of her lips, much like green apples at harvest.

As he wrapped his arms around her, he pulled her plump frame against him and explored the seam of her mouth with his tongue.

She parted her lips, and he deepened the kiss. Sharp teeth nipped at his lower lip.

How he wanted her. Here and now. But outside forces distracted him. He waved his hand, batting away a crab that dared think to interfere.

“Don’t stop, Luc. I need you. I want you,” Gaia whispered against his lips whilst her hands cupped him.

He didn’t want to stop, but those blasted monsters wouldn’t stop coming. It made him angry.

Wisps of smoke curled from his ears.

She slid a hand inside his pants and gripped him. Stroked him.

A tentacle dared wrap around his ankle.

“Take me,” she whispered.

He wanted to. He burned for her. He
hungered.

Yet, instead of lifting her skirts, he found himself forced to turn to deal with a distraction. He held out his hand, and a sword made of blazing hellfire appeared in it.

Hey, gorgeous. Long time, no see
.

And for those who might grumble about his love for his weapon, Gaia was good with it. She’d only gotten a little jealous the time he’d brought his sword to bed. Now his blade watched from a chair.

Kissing the molten hilt, he smiled—a smile that had made the strong hearted tremble. A smile that had brought about ammonia lakes. A smile that said, “Hello, asshole. Prepare to die.” Wielding his mighty sword with a skill none could compare, Lucifer smote a few of the daring beasts.

“Can’t you see I’m busy?” he roared.

Apparently the monsters didn’t see too well because they kept coming. Kept him busy. Kept him away from his wench’s lips.

“We aren’t done,
Luc
.” She purred his name. He knew that sound. That promise…

Impatience was one of his virtues. He growled as he cleaved through the monsters keeping him from his greedy goal.

“That’s it, my demon lover. Kill them. Kill them all. Then take me.”

He’d take her all right. “Just a minute, wench, while I deal with the seafood part of our engagement dinner.”

Lucifer continued to slice and dice, dodge and duck, wondering if his minions would ever find the damned portal and close it.

An explosion caused the ground to tremble, and the hut Adexios and Valaska had disappeared into burst into flaming bits.

But no sign of his minions. Had they perished?

Hmm. That might prove annoying to explain to Charon and his wife.

However, more annoying would be if the sea creatures, whose portal had just closed on whatever plane they’d come from, actually managed to take a bite out of the lord of Hell. The pincers closed on air, narrowly avoiding a pinch.

In his own words,
Hell no
. His gaze narrowed. Time to finish this. “Strip whilst I finish, wench. This won’t take long.”

In his mind, it was only the briefest moment to slash his way through the monsters. Being a bit of a busybody—a sin she just couldn’t help—Gaia had some of her treemen helping.

But Lucifer made sure he acquitted himself well. By the time he was done, he stood thigh deep in seafood.

With nothing left to fight, he let his sword disappear. He brushed a hand down his military uniform, magically sluicing any seafood bits from the fabric before stepping into the air to avoid the steaming entrails.

Gaia met him, just past the carnage, still fresh as a daisy. A pity, he preferred it when she put on her whorish rose red and pricked him with her thorns. But there was something to be said for gentle simplicity.

It made a leering demon want to ravage.

Except the pillaging and murdering wasn’t quite done. “Shall we finish what we started?” Lucifer asked as he placed a kiss on her hand.

“Yes.” She turned her green gaze onto Nemo, still trussed in vines, his dark eyes shooting daggers of hate.

Look at me, I made a new enemy.
Such fun. A devil could never have too many. It kept a demon young staying ahead of enemy plots. Except this Nemo fellow wasn’t the head honcho of the operation. Lucifer recognized a minion when he saw one.

Floating on a platform of air, he and Gaia stepped onto the sub
—my sub—
and approached the captain.

He didn’t waste time. “Tell us who you work for,” Lucifer demanded.

“Never. I’d rather die first.”

“If you insist.” It took but a thought to bring his sword back and send it swinging. The decapitated head of Nemo soared through the air, but before it could hit the water, a purple tentacle rose from the depths and snatched it.

“What did you do that for?” Gaia huffed. “Now how are we supposed to know who he works for?”

“I wasn’t about to let him have a villain monologue. I coined those, you know, and now everyone with an agenda thinks they can use them. I say no. Besides, think of the fun we’ll have finding out who’s behind this. The best things in life don’t come easily.”

“You are warped, Luc.”

“Very. But that twisted part of my dick is what makes me such an awesome lover.”

“Oh, I don’t know. Maybe you should show me again.”

“What about Charon’s boy? Shouldn’t we look for him and that girl he’s smitten with?”

“I’m sure they’re fine. That mother of his has had more leprechauns sacrificed to give him luck than I would have thought possible.”

“True. And we do have more important matters to attend. I’ll bet this sub has a bed.”

“A bed? Look at you getting traditional with old age.”

“Old?” Both his brows shot high. “I’ll show you old, wench.”

“Only if you catch me.” With a giggle, Gaia dropped into the open hatch, and the devil followed.

And chased.

And debauched.

Numerous times.

Until they found a bed, which they used to sleep.

“Live life to the fullest. You never know if it might be your last.” From the Amazon teachings of Joan the Great.

As Valaska entered the hut, with Dex on her heels, it took a moment to adjust to the dimness. It also took a blink and second glance to realize that the inside was much, much larger than the outside.

“Bloody magic,” she grumbled. Everywhere she turned, more magic. It irritated her because a sword and fist couldn’t fight what she couldn’t touch. “I knew I should have stayed on the beach and battled those crustaceans.”

“Bitching already? You do know the boss can’t hear you right now,” Dex teased.

“I wasn’t looking for brownie points. Just something to fight.”

“Oh, I think you’ll get your wish,” Dex stated with certainty as they flowed from the first room, which held nothing but wooden crates, to the next.

“What makes you say that?” she asked.

No sooner had she spoken than a pair of frogmen rushed into the room, tongues whipping out. Awesome, she wasn’t going to miss out on all the action.

Whirl. Slice. Dice. Jab.

Done.

Sigh.

Too easy.

Dex touched her on the arm, and she noted he had his head cocked. “Can you hear that?”

Since she doubted he meant the last dying gasps of the frogman at her feet, she listened and heard a familiar hum.

“Is that…”

He nodded. “Another one of those portal devices, which is where I’ll wager those monsters from outside are coming from.”

“We should totally check it out and smash it.” Maybe kill a few creatures on the way.

Her step much lighter, she bounced through the current chamber, which held numerous bunks with rumpled bedding and a swampy smell.

They passed through two more chambers, one containing cages, empty ones, except for a cell in the far corner, where a demon who’d not lived long enough to provide battery power, lay prone on the bottom.

A trio of frogmen came at them from a side corridor, waving more spears and giving them tongue. So rude on a first date.

It was also their last date.

She and Dex stepped over their bodies on their way to the next archway, from which the hum of the portal device seemed particularly loud.

Poking her head in, she noted no guards, surprising, given the machine loomed in the middle of the massive chamber, chugging away, powering its portal.

But this portal didn’t lead to the mortal plane.

Who knew where this one went, but she would wager it wasn’t a place anyone knew. From the glimmering rip between the planes lurched monsters of the aquatic kind. Iridescent skin glistened as the glowing orbs lighting the chamber reflected off the many-hued scales. Eerie, bulbous eyes stared unblinking.

Valaska dropped into a ready stance with her sword, and yet, even though some of the creatures glanced her way, none of them deviated from their trudging and slithering as they emptied from the portal rip and plopped into the lake alongside it.

“How much you want to bet that lake connects to the one outside in the volcano crater?” Dex mused aloud.

“I’ll take that wager. If you’re wrong, I get orgasmic oral. If you win, prepare for a mind-blowing BJ.”

Dex gaped at her, and while his cheeks didn’t turn red, his eyes did take on a bright glint. “I’ve never wanted to be more wrong.”

“Never fear.” She patted him on the cheek. “You’re a man. It will happen sooner than later. Just not today I fear. It’s a good thing I’m a grown woman who knows how to suck it up.” She winked at him.

He swallowed. “Um, yeah, so ah, we need to blow up that machine,” Dex stated unnecessarily.

“No shit. But with what?” This time they didn’t have a handy backpack.

However, they did have lots of creatures.

Before she could explain her idea to Dex, she put it in motion. Did she plan to have fun while doing it? Hell yeah, which was why she raced at the aquatic beasts with a shrill battle cry. It drew the attention of a few.

She sliced through them with ease and, when they littered the hard, rocky ground, grabbed their twitching limbs and tossed them to the top of the device.

Having already caught on to her plan, Dex vaulted to the top of the machine and busied himself stuffing the chimney.

In no time at all, the pressure built, much like it had earlier with the device on the beach. While they didn’t have the fireball of before, the whistle of demon smoke building, and the wobble of the portal, said it would blow soon.

“We have to go,” she stated.

“Yes, but not out the front way. There’s a tunnel back there. I think we should check it out.” Dex stood atop the machine and pointed to the shadows lining the rear of the chamber.

She would have said no because she kind of wanted back outside fighting those sea monsters, except, before she could open her mouth, one of those shadows on the back wall twitched and then scattered.

Things that ran were automatic prey. “You are not escaping that easily,” she muttered.

Valaska sprinted in the direction of the fleeing shape, Dex hot on her heels. She ducked through the crevice in the wall and found herself in another lava tunnel, just tall enough that she didn’t have to crouch.

Ahead of them ran a figure clothed in a cloak that covered them head to foot. Man or woman? She couldn’t tell and didn’t care. Valaska pumped her legs harder and gained on the person.

Without even a quick glance back, the fleeing figure turned a corner and disappeared.

Much as she hated to slow down, Valaska halted before the edge and took a quick listen.

Not so Dex. “Don’t let them get away.”

Around the corner he bolted, and with a wry smile at his impetuousness, she followed, only to bump into him as he stood frozen before a portal.

“What are you waiting for? Jump before it closes.”

“But we don’t know where it goes.” Dex hesitated.

A rumble shook the tunnel as rock dust sifted down.

The device had exploded, and that meant their choice to run deeper into the mountain was proving exciting, as the tremble of the ground didn’t stop. It continued. Fissures appeared in the walls. Silt rained on them, as did chunks of hardened lava.

The portal wobbled, its ragged edges shrinking. Given the choice of possibly getting crushed by a ton of rock or the unknown…

She grabbed Dex by the arm and shoved him through before stepping into the dimensional rip herself.

The cold chill of nowhere gripped her for the millisecond it took to cross from one plane to another.

Warmth returned, as did light and sound.

“Where are we?” Dex asked, peeking around.

“I was hoping you knew,” she said as she stepped out from behind the trees sitting in large plastic pots. A chlorine smell permeated the air, and everywhere she looked there was white tile.

Dex joined her just as a frosted glass door opened. Valaska immediately held her sword out. However, the two older women, wearing swimsuits and shocked expressions, didn’t pose a danger.

Or at least they didn’t until they screamed, “Pervert! There’s a naked man in the change rooms!”

For some reason, that started a cacophony of screams. Was nudity not allowed wherever they’d found themselves?

“Um, I think we should get out of here,” Adexios muttered, hands dropping to cover his package.

“Good plan, but we might perhaps want to garb ourselves on the way out.” The less attention they drew, the easier their search, because, upon first glance, she didn’t spot the robed figure they were chasing.

As the screeches followed them, along with a few giggles and whispers of, “Oh my god, did you see the size of him?”, Valaska snagged some garments. Adexios practically fell over in his haste to yank the pink shorts over his buttocks. The T-shirt, inscribed with an odd creature sporting horns that said, “Size does matter”, covered his chest.

As for Valaska, she snatched a T-shirt from the hands of a young girl gaping at Dex. It proved snug around her chest, but the title across her breasts made her inwardly smile.

Yes, I am a Delicate Freakn’ Flower.
With thorns. Get in her way and she’d prick a person to death.

Seeing a door, with Member’s Area inscribed upon it, Valaska aimed toward it and pushed the bar. She stepped through and blinked as she looked around.

What strange place is this?

Before her sat the oddest contraptions. Metal devices of torture, or so they seemed, given the grimaces on the faces of the humans who used them.

“Have we entered some kind of strange dungeon?” she asked. The groans seemed to lend credence to her query.

“Not quite. I’ll be damned.”

“You already are,” she reminded.

“It seems the rumors are true,” Dex muttered.

“What rumors? Do you know what this place is? Where we are?”

“Of course I do. I’m just surprised you don’t recognize it. This is a physical fitness center on the mortal plane.”

“A what?”

“A gym.” At her blank look, he explained further. “Think of it as a training field for exercise.”

She grimaced. “A training field? But they are not sparring with blunt swords, leaping over spiked pits, or running away from starving ghouls.”

“This is the modern way to build muscle and get great cardio.”

“Looks more like it belongs in Lucifer’s department for the punishment and correction of evil souls.” Although the longer she watched the people grunt and groan and sweat, the more it gave her an urge to pit herself against the metal torture devices.

“Actually, I think some of these contraptions were designed by Hell’s engineers.”

“Given you seem to recognize this place, care to explain how we got here? I don’t see anything to indicate why this place is of import. Why choose this so-called gym to emerge?”

“I’d say there’s a few reasons why the thing we’re chasing came here,” Dex replied, doing his best to peek at every face on every machine, looking for what she couldn’t have said. If the person they’d chased had stripped their cloak, they’d never recognize them. “First off, by exiting into a place filled with people, they managed to greatly muddy their trail.”

“If they came through here at all.”

As soon as she said it, Dex leaned over and snagged some dark fabric, lifting a discarded cloak from the floor. He dangled it in front of her. “Recognize this?”

“At least we know they came through here. And they might come back again.”

“Why would they come back? I still don’t get what’s so special about this place.” What she liked about Dex was he didn’t lose patience with her questions. Unlike a certain trainer of hers who left a bruise for every W query by a student.

Dex explained. “The amount of intentional suffering in this location has become great enough that it has caused a thin spot between here and Hell. That means it’s easier to create a portal from here to back home.”

“So they can only conjure one here?”

“Not exactly. It’s just easier here. The DMVs are also hotspots, but not as good as they used to be since they automated a lot of their stuff online.”

Valaska rubbed her head and leaned on her sword. “Forget I asked. I don’t care how this portal got here. Tell me how we find whoever came through.”

“I can’t.” A shrug lifted his shoulder. “Whoever we were chasing got away.”

She couldn’t help the downturn of her lips. “So there’s no one to kill?”

Dex never got a chance to answer, as trouble arrived in the form of a screeching and pointing woman. “There they are. That’s the pervert who was ogling me in the women’s change room.”

Valaska frowned. “Dex was not ogling. Trust me, if he was, I would have plucked his eyes out by now.”

A coughing sound from Dex as he said, “Um, I think we should perhaps vacate the premises.”

Easier said than done, considering they had to run back through the door into the change room of women, who once again squealed at their appearance.

“Calm down,” Valaska snarled as they jogged through. “He’s only got eyes for me. And if there’s anything perverted happening, it will again, only be with me.”

“Are you defending my honor?” Dex asked as they jogged, a trace of amusement in his tone.

“Staking my claim more like,” was her pert reply.

They popped behind the potted plants, and she slapped her hand against the wall. It didn’t go through.

Dammit. The portal they’d used was gone.

And people were yelling as they chased them.

Dex banged on the wall. “Are you fucking kidding me? Now what are we supposed to do?”

Lifting her blade before she could speak, he growled, “Don’t say it. You cannot go on a killing rampage on this plane. Do you know the trouble that would cause?”

Yeah, she knew. God and Lucifer would get into it as the heavenly deity accused Lucifer of cheating to get his souls early before they had a chance to possibly redeem themselves and earn a spot behind his closely guarded gates.