Hellsbane Hereafter (2 page)

“I’m destined to be an Oppenheimer?”

“I don’t know.” He shrugged. “Maybe. But I know there’s more ahead, and it won’t be easy. But you have to do what you know in your heart you must.”

“You mean what I know is right.” The problem was I didn’t always know the difference between what was right and what I just
wanted
to be right. I’m not exactly an egomaniac, but I’m no saint, either. I knew what being intimate with Eli would cost him, cost both of us, but I’d done it anyway, because I loved him, and love trumps all. Doesn’t it? Or did I just want it to? If we were in love, wasn’t being together, honoring that love, the right thing to do, even if it meant going against the laws of Heaven and Earth?

Tommy stepped closer, slipping his hands into the front pockets of his jeans. “I mean do what your heart tells you to do. It’s not always about right and wrong. Most things are never that black and white, anyway. Follow your gut, Emma. Do what you know you have to do. But do something. Don’t give up.”

“What if the difference I make is worse? What if it gets Eli killed this time or…banished to the abyss?” I couldn’t stand even thinking about it. Fallen banished to the abyss are forever changed, tortured until the end of days. It’s Hell in every sense of the word. The lucky ones are freed by other Fallen, called up to serve them like indentured slaves. But what comes out of the abyss is often nothing like the creature that goes in.

“If that’s your destiny, then so be it.” His shoulders hitched high.

I snorted my disagreement. “Screw that. I’m not going to risk hurting Eli any more than I already have.”

Tommy glanced over his shoulder suddenly, like he’d heard something, his expression anxious. There was nothing there, but when he looked back to me, he seemed hurried, fidgeting on his feet, his grip shifting on the handle of his sword. “Dammit, Emma, listen to me. The more time you waste trying to stay neutral, the stronger he gets.”

“The stronger who gets?”

“I…I don’t know.” He huffed, shaking his head like he might somehow rattle the information loose. “He’s hidden now, blending in, but not for long. I told you, my brain is like Swiss cheese, except the holes keep moving. I know something, see something, and then the next minute, it’s totally gone. But I know you’re running out of time.”

“If he’s hidden, how am I supposed to find him? You don’t even have a name? What’s he going to do? What the hell is this about, Tommy?” I stretched for my sword resting in its sheath hooked over the bedpost on my side. The heavy hilt felt good, natural, in my hand. “What’s happening, Tommy? What’s got you so jittery suddenly?”

He shook his head again, holding a hand to his brow, grimacing. “Nothing. Nothing. I can’t—” He looked over his shoulder again. I followed his gaze. There was still nothing there. He turned back to me, stepped closer. “Listen to me. You’ll know him when you see him. You’ll know before the rest. That’s why it has to be you who stops him, warns everyone. It’s not too late. You have to expose him, Em. Stop him before he fools everyone. Stop him!”

Before I could respond, Tommy’s bright blue eyes widened, and he sucked a loud breath just as the sharp point of a sword erupted from his chest. His whole body stretched tall, shoulders back, arms out to his sides, and the long bloody blade turned, carving out his heart.

Blood gushed from Tommy’s huge chest wound in buckets, more than could ever fit in one body. Tommy’s handsome face froze in pain and confusion…just like the day he’d been killed.

Not again.
“Tommy!” I rushed forward just as his knees gave out and he dropped to the floor. I was there, sliding to my knees, just in time to catch him. But he wasn’t there.

He’d vanished.

“Tommy!” Tears soaked my cheeks, streaming down my neck and chest. “Tommy!”

“Emma Jane.” I turned to see Eli sitting in bed, a worried frown creasing between his dark brows. My mouth gaped, and I looked back to where Tommy had just been. He had been there, hadn’t he? He’d spoken to me, sat in my vanity chair, propped his feet on the bed. Hadn’t he?

“What is it, Emma Jane? What’s wrong?” The mattress and sheets shifted as Eli slipped out of bed, his bare feet padding softly against the wood floor.

I sniffled, scrubbing away my tears with the back of my hand. “Nothing. I just… I mean, I thought… Nothing. I’m fine.”

I couldn’t tell him what I’d seen. I wasn’t sure myself. What was that? Some sort of psychic vison? A ghost? Or was I just losing my friggin’ mind? But it was so real.

A sob shook through me, and Eli leaned down, gathered me into his arms, and helped me to my feet. “You’re crying. You’re not fine. What is it? What did you see? You were talking to someone.”

“Tommy. I think. He was here. I mean, I thought he was. But that’s not possible. Is it?” His warm body molded against me, solid and real. He led me back to bed and I crawled to my side, Eli following close behind to pull me close again. He folded over me and pressed a kiss to my temple.

To most people, he was an ordinary man: dark wavy hair brushing the collar of his shirt, pale blue eyes, and a healthy, weekend-athlete kind of build. To me, he was so much more.

My illorum gifts allowed me to see the real Eli: bluish-black hair that shone like silk and eyes that had been as pale blue as a full moon, though they were several shades darker now than when we’d met. He’d lost the eggshell-white eyes of the seraphim, the color darkening ever so subtly toward blue in correlation to the amount of contact he had with humans.

“Thomas no longer concerns himself with the happenings of this world.” Eli’s warm breath caressed my cheek, his voice soothing my shaky nerves.

He smelled like wildflowers and cotton blossoms, and I breathed him in, allowing his scent to sooth me like a warm summer day. There were a million reasons why, against all better judgment and reason, I’d fallen for Eli. His ability to calm me and make me feel safe and loved were just two of them. We’d tried to resist what we felt for each other, the way our bodies came alive when the other was near. Eli even more than me. He was a good man, a righteous angel, dedicated, honorable, and reverent. But it didn’t work. Like a moth to a flame, we drew each other, hopelessly, disastrously, inevitably.

But it was more than just a physical thing between us. Eli was there when I needed him, always. He was my strength when my own faltered, my sanity. Eli understood me, accepted me in a way no one ever had before. Turns out I needed that. I needed him. And he’d given up everything to give me what I needed. Eli had chosen to love me over his brothers, over Heaven itself. He’d become the one thing he and all seraphim hated. He’d become a Fallen, but he’d done it for love—for me. And God help us, we were happy for it
.

I sighed, aggravated at my emotional wig out. “It was so real.” I scrubbed at my drying tears, sniffling. “Tommy stood right there talking and then…and then a sword jabbed through his chest and blood gushed everywhere…so much blood.”

His arms hugged me tighter, his voice soft, his lips brushing my ear. “Like the day he was killed.”

I sniffled one last time and nodded. “Yeah. But only at the end. Before that we were just talking.”

I’d almost told him about Tommy’s weird insistence that I had some important destiny and I was basically dropping the ball. Tommy always used to gripe about my commitment, especially when he was alive, which, admittedly, was way less creepy and a ton less ominous. But that’s not why I didn’t want to tell Eli.

When Eli fell, almost a year to the day after Tommy was killed, I’d promised him we were in it together. Whatever Eli’s punishment, no matter who else turned their back on him, I never would. There was no way I’d go back on that promise. Telling him the cosmos might have had other plans for me would only make him push me away toward whatever greater good, or bad, might be in store.

It’s not that I didn’t care about the needs of the cosmos and everyone in it. I did. Mostly. But I already had a perfectly good plan. Granted, I hadn’t given it my full effort lately, but it was still a solid course of action. Or it would be once I, y’know, put it into action.

One thing I knew, it wouldn’t cost Eli his life, or me him. So unless the cosmos could come up with something better, I would stick to Operation Hellsbane: Keeps Her Happy Place and Helps the War Effort.

Eli tugged my shoulder, encouraging me to roll toward him so he could see my face. “What did Thomas tell you?”

I snuggled closer, finding that perfect spot against his chest where my body fit like it’d been made for me. I closed my eyes, sighing when he wrapped around me like a sexy angel blanket.

I pressed a kiss to his chin. “Nothing important. Just weird, random stuff. Something about Doritos chip dust in the drapes and not letting the pigmies eat all the grapes. Crazy talk.”

I hated lying to him, but I wasn’t ready to face the truth of what Tommy said, let alone talk about it. Usually angels can read human thoughts. In fact, they have to work at
not
reading them if they want any peace. But I’d learned a while ago how to shield my thoughts, and being the daughter of a Fallen archangel gave me the power to throw up some pretty hefty shields. I’d gotten good at keeping nosey angels and Fallen and pretty much everything else supernatural from reading my thoughts. As far as I knew, I was the only illorum who could do it.
Yay me!

“That’s not what he said.”

I stiffened in his arms, then peeked up at him, brows high. “How did you know?”

He smiled, adding a level of beauty to his angelic face that still caught my breath even after two years. “I didn’t. Not for sure, since you won’t let me hear your thoughts. But I know you well enough to notice that when you lie, the left corner of your mouth tugs up.”

“It does not.”
Does it? Did it? Crap.
I shrugged and snuggled close again. “Whatever. I don’t remember everything he said. It’s not like any of it was real. I must’ve been dreaming or something. Right?”

It was mostly true. True enough to keep my stupid half smirk flat.

“Maybe it was your subconscious telling you to reach out to your fellow illorum, to rejoin the battle you were born to fight and help them and my brothers win the war.”

“They’re not your brothers anymore.” I rolled over, the turn of conversation tweaking my irritation. Eli’s embrace slipped away as I shifted out of bed. “I watched them turn their backs on you. When they did that, they stopped being your brothers. Which is why I’m not helping them do anything. I need a drink of water.”

I wasn’t really thirsty, but I couldn’t lay there while he sang the praises of his turncoat brothers.

“We knew they would. It’s their nature. The fault is mine, but I still consider them brothers.” He sat up, watching me as I rounded the end of the bed heading for the door. “I still love them.”

“Yeah, well, they don’t feel the same way about you.” I could almost feel Eli’s flinch when the words left my mouth, like I’d actually slapped him. Regret tightened my chest, and I went to him and sat close on the edge of the bed. I cupped the side of his face, meeting his pain-filled eyes. “Eli, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say it like… I’m sorry.”

He looked away, nodding. “No. You’re right. I know what they think of me, how they feel. I’d felt the same way about those who’d fallen.”

“You followed your heart,” I said.

His gaze swung back to mine. “I disobeyed. I broke our most ardent law. I betrayed them, and I still remember the sting of their pain. I still feel the loss of them.”

Eli’s eyes were a summer-sky blue now
:
still inhumanly beautiful, but dark enough that any of his brothers would notice instantly, if they bothered to notice him at all. It was my fault they never would.

Guilt pulled through me like barbed wire, snagging down my throat, coiling in my chest, shredding me. “I’m sorry, Eli. I should’ve stopped you. I knew you’d regret that night with me eventually.”

His face creased, and his arms grabbed around me lightning fast, pulling me to him so quickly I lost my breath. “No. Not for an instant. Not ever. There is nothing in Heaven or on Earth that would have me turn back time, take back that night or any night since.”

“I know, but you miss your brothers. I just wish…”

“I love you, Emma Jane. If nothing else in your life is certain, you can trust that this single fact remains constant. The loss I feel for my brothers is nothing compared to the thought of losing you. I miss them. Yes. But I have new friends, new purpose. And most importantly, I have you. For that I am eternally grateful.”

I leaned back, trying to see his face, watch his expression. “But what if I wasn’t a factor? What if I was gone, out of the picture—would you want to go back? Would you want your brothers to forgive you and welcome you home?”

Eli’s arms loosened around me, and he looked away. He shook his head. “It doesn’t matter. The possibility doesn’t exist.”

“But if it did?” I tightened my arms around him, encouraging him to look at me. “Answer me, Eli. Honestly. I’m not going to live forever. Probably. So do you ever think about it? If I wasn’t a factor. Would you want to go back? Would you wish your brothers would forgive you and let you come home?”

He sighed, gazing into my eyes. “No, my love. I would not. To desire something that can never be is its own kind of torture.”

“But if it were possible?”

He chuckled as though the conversation was silly. “What creature under God would not want all they desire without consequence or sacrifice? Of course. I don’t relish the eventuality of being alone. But I made my choice knowing the consequences. I must live with them no matter what. To desire otherwise is to suffer even more. I don’t think about it. For now, I am content. I have you. I have friends. I have purpose.”

“But are you happy? I mean, doing what you’re doing, helping the newly fallen adjust to their more mundane lives among humans, spending your days among Earth-walking demons?” I asked. “It can’t be easy for you. It can’t be as fulfilling as the work you did before your fall.”