Her Darkest Nightmare (34 page)

As they kissed, he explored her body, too, and manipulated what he found with his fingers until she hardly had the strength to remain standing, until she wanted to feel him inside her so badly there was no room for fear.

When she laughed, giddy with relief that she could even be having such thoughts, he gazed down at her. “What?” he whispered, his eyelids half-closed, his voice hoarse.

“I'm ready. If we weren't covered in water you'd be able to tell how wet I am.”

“I know the difference,” he whispered. “I can feel the slickness.”

“So what do I have to do to get you to go further? Crawl all over you and beg?” she teased. But she wasn't sure he even remembered saying something to that effect. He seemed too caught up to be thinking clearly.

“Let's go into the bedroom.”

She didn't want to leave the shower. There'd been no running water in that shack where Jasper had taken her. She didn't associate the shower with anyone except Amarok.

“I could do more for you,” he coaxed, “if we were lying down.”

“No. Please.” She gripped his arms, trying to convey how important it was that they not change anything. She didn't want to have to explain, didn't want to drag her most tragic memories into this bathroom with them. And, after a moment, he seemed to understand.

“Okay. Don't worry. Everything's fine. I like showers.” When he lifted her against the tile and she wrapped her legs around his hips, she was pretty sure he held his breath as he started to press inside her.

“You all right?” He obviously expected her to refuse him at the last second, but she tightened her legs, pulling him the rest of the way.

“What do
you
think?” she replied.

“I'm in,” he murmured, his voice full of awe.

“And you feel good there,” she told him. “You make
me
feel good. Full. Complete. Part of you.”

“Talking like that … you're going to make me come too soon,” he said with a ragged laugh.

She kissed his jaw, his cheek, pecked his lips. “You warned me that you didn't have any control tonight.”

“That wasn't the kind of control I meant. But with you so warm and tight around me … now I'm seriously worried.”

Somehow feeling wild and suddenly free of all that had held her back, she laughed. “Don't worry about anything. The difficult part's over.”

“Not really,” he said. “What happens next is even more important.”

Unsure of what he meant, she said, “I'll let you finish. That's what I'm saying. I won't back out on you now. I'm fine.”

“But I want you to like it.” He nipped at her mouth. “I want you to experience how amazing it can be. Is that possible? Can we try?”

“It probably would never happen in this position. And you'd have to pull out in order for us to move. I don't want that. I wish we could stay joined all night.”

He kissed her lips so softly and gently that it was her turn to look at him in surprise.

“Then maybe you'll let me do it again sometime,” he said.

She closed her eyes. “Let's just enjoy
now
. Now is all that exists,” she said, and threw her head back, feeling the heat of the steam and the pounding of the water on her face and shoulders as he began to thrust.

*   *   *

Amarok had never dreamed this would happen tonight. He'd just decided that maybe it should
never
happen. As fascinated as Evelyn was by the monsters she'd brought to Hanover House, he didn't see how she could stick around Hilltop for long—not with everything that was going on and her family hoping she'd return to Boston. He couldn't even feel good about encouraging her to stay when he knew it might only traumatize her further. If Jasper had followed her to Alaska—if he had some elaborate plan to continue tormenting her, as she feared—the smartest thing for her to do would be to get out of town. She should disappear, set up a nice private practice in a brand-new state and, this time, stay out of the damn media.

He'd been considering that while he was showering, had been planning to suggest it—until she came in. Then he couldn't think about anything except the feel of her slick, wet skin, her mouth, which was open for his tongue, and the little gasps she made when he touched the right places. He couldn't refuse this, he decided, not when he wanted it as badly as he did.

He was
so
close to climax. He could feel the tension building, feel the surge of pleasure tightening every muscle. He wanted to hold off, make it last. He wasn't confident he'd have another chance to be with her. But as her hands held his face and she kissed him even deeper, moaning as if she could tell he was hovering on the brink, there was no way he could hold back. He barely remembered to pull out before it was too late.

Several moments passed. He was breathing hard, could no longer kiss her with any skill, and his arms were beginning to shake at the strain of bearing her weight, but he didn't want to let her go. Somehow she'd overcome her fear enough to create this incredible moment, and he felt so lucky to be the one to share it with her.

“You did it,” he said, resting his forehead against hers.

“
We
did it,” she responded. “And it was … nice.
Really
nice.”

Afraid his knees might buckle, he put her down, but he didn't release her. “Let me make you come,” he whispered above the rush of the water.

She shook her head. “Not tonight.”

“I can do it.” He began to lick the water off her shoulder, her breasts, her belly, but she stopped him.

“Maybe no one can do that for me. Maybe it's not possible.”

“Of course it is! Have you ever had a man's mouth on you before? I mean … since … all that?”

“It didn't even happen then. Jasper was … a clean freak and … rather put off by the idea.”

“I'm glad. Because I don't feel put off by it at all. I
want
to taste you.”

She stopped him again. “I'd rather not take the risk. Not right now.”

“
Why?
You didn't think you could allow a man penetration, either. But you let me inside you. We're beyond that.”

“It's not so simple, Amarok. You mentioned earlier that making love requires a great deal of trust. It does. But letting go to … to
that
extent while making love requires even more, maybe more than I'm capable of. And if that's the case, I'd rather not know right now. Let me celebrate my success, enjoy it for a while.”

Once she said that, he couldn't argue. “I loved it,” he said. “Every second.”

She grinned up at him. “Good thing you're so young and strong. An older man might not have been able to hold me for that long.”

He frowned as he stared down at her.

“What?” she said.

“I don't want to hear any more about my age. If it didn't bother you, I wouldn't care. But I know it does.”

“My assistant openly gushes about you, as if she's
that
sure I could never be interested in you myself.”

“Maybe her attitude has nothing to do with our respective ages. Maybe you've just made it clear that
no
man is a possibility for you.”

“You think so?”

“
I
do. But we don't need her approval, anyway. I don't give a shit what she thinks.”

A smile tugged at the corners of her mouth.

“What?” he said.

“I can't believe we did it. I feel like I just punched Jasper in the face.”

He couldn't help chuckling. “Anytime you want to punch him again, you let me know. I'll help you with that whenever.”

“We'd better get some sleep,” she said, and started to get out, but he caught her hand.

“Are you moving into my bedroom?”

Her eyes searched his. “That's a little scary, don't you think?”

God, she was skittish. “
Why?
You've slept there before.”

“There's an emotional side to this, you know.”

“Is that why you're withdrawing? Because you're afraid of what you're feeling?”

“It's a bit overwhelming.”

“But I'm feeling it, too. Isn't that the important part? That we're in it together?”

Doubt clouded her eyes. “I don't want to fall in love with you.”

“Because of my
age,
Evelyn? Really?”

“No, because love is the biggest risk of all.” She got out of the shower, grabbed a towel and left the bathroom.

After that, Amarok assumed he'd be sleeping alone. He stopped at her door as he came down the hall and considered trying to talk to her about it again. After what'd just passed between them, he wanted her by his side. But she'd overcome a lot tonight. Maybe she needed some space to regroup, to feel safe despite allowing him such intimate access to her body.

She'd come to him in the shower, he told himself. Maybe, in a day or two, she'd come to him in his bed.

But he didn't have to wait that long. Although he was too tired to even turn on the lights before dropping onto the mattress, it didn't take more than a second to realize Makita wasn't the only one there waiting for him.

*   *   *

For Evelyn, morning seemed to come in the blink of an eye. When Amarok's alarm went off, he silenced it right away, but he didn't roll out of bed. He gathered her to him and kissed her shoulder. “I have good news and bad news,” he said.

She liked the feel of his sinewy body wrapped around hers. “I've had enough bad news; what's the good news?” she mumbled, still half-asleep.

“It's Friday. Weekend's almost here. That should make a difference for you, even if it doesn't for me.”

“I spend most my weekends working, too. So what's the bad news?”

“You don't have a car here, which means…”

She pulled herself further into consciousness. She'd left her Beamer at the prison last night and taken a ride with him. “
I
have to get up, too,” she finished.

He shoved himself onto one elbow so he could look at her. “Unless I can talk you into taking a sick day and staying right here.”

“With you?”

“I wish. I've got to work. We both know I can't avoid that right now.”

She gave him a sleepy smile. “Then why would
I
stay?”

“Because, at the moment, Hanover House is a toxic atmosphere for you. That file you found in Fitzpatrick's office—it has me concerned. I didn't like him to begin with. But now that I believe he's obsessed with you I like him even less.”

“I can't hole up, Amarok. I have to go in.”

With a sigh, he climbed out of bed. “I was afraid you'd say that.”

“Just so you know, Sergeant, I plan on fighting for what I've established here,” she told him, sitting up.

His gaze dropped to what she'd inadvertently revealed, and an appreciative smile curved his lips. “What'd you say?”

“Stop it!” She laughed as she covered herself with the blankets. “I said I'm not going anywhere. You and I—we'll fight through what's happening, put a stop to it.”

Although he'd grabbed his pants, he paused before pulling them on. “And then?”

“And then … what?”

“You'd be open to a relationship?”

“With a man nearly ten years my junior?”

“Ten?”

“Seven?” she clarified.

“I can't change how old I am, Evelyn,” he said, and finished dressing.

As he went to put on some coffee, Evelyn dragged herself out of bed and into the bathroom to have a shower. Just turning on the water reminded her of last night, of what it had felt like to finally make love after so long. Amarok was everything a woman could want. But that was part of the problem. She had so little faith a relationship between them could actually work. She was too damaged, and he had too much to offer other, healthier women.

What would stop him from looking elsewhere the second things got difficult? And they would get difficult. She and Amarok had differing opinions on so many subjects, the most divisive being her work, which she loved. He was slightly misogynistic and didn't even know it. He loved Alaska, would never leave it, but she wasn't committed to this place in quite the same way.

If she allowed herself to embrace him as more than a temporary lover, where would it lead? And where would it end?

He banged on the door. “You coming?”

She wiped the water from her face. “Yeah. I'll be right there.”

 

23

I wish I could stop, but I could not. I had no other thrill or happiness.

—DENNIS NILSEN, MUSWELL HILL MURDERER

When Evelyn arrived at Hanover House, she wondered if maybe she should've taken Amarok's advice and stayed home. She'd been hoping to talk to Glenn first thing, to thank him for the brownie and to tell him to continue to keep his ears open in case he heard anything about that forged transfer order. She would've called him up to her office first thing, except Penny told her she was wanted in the conference room.

Other than Stacy Wilheim, who was still out sick, the entire mental health team was there waiting for her—all three of the psychologists along with Fitzpatrick. He paced up front, near the wipe board, while the others sat around the table, sipping coffee.

There was a plate of donuts in the center of the table. The fact that no one had touched them indicated this was not the usual staff meeting.

Evelyn thought of the key she had stolen from the janitors. She'd thrown it into the snow last night the first time Amarok climbed out to get them unstuck. By the time spring came and the snow melted and uncovered it, no one would know what that key went to. If it was ever discovered. But she was still afraid that Fitzpatrick had found her out—that, even though she'd made copies of the contents of that file and carefully replaced it, he was somehow aware she'd been in his office.