Her Daughter's Dream (42 page)

The apartment was as chilly as a meat locker. Carolyn’s breath puffed steam as she dumped her bag on the end of the queen-size bed with its chintz spread. At least it had an electric blanket. She could hear Mom tromping around upstairs in the kitchen, probably unloading the bags. Carolyn hurried upstairs. Mom looked annoyed. “Potatoes, carrots, turnips, rutabagas, celery, onions, canned tomatoes . . . Let me guess. You want to make stone soup.”

Carolyn nudged her aside and took out round steak. “It’s good for a cold, rainy day like this, don’t you think?”

“And a lot of work, but you go right ahead if that’s what you want. What does it matter that it’s
my
house and I might have other plans.”

“Did you?”

“That’s not the point. I was getting around to it.” Her mother sat at the kitchen nook table. “Go ahead.” She waved her hand and looked out the window. “I’m just a little out of sorts today.”

“What time did Dawn say she was coming?”

“She’ll be here any minute.”

Carolyn put the milk, eggs, bacon, and cheese into the refrigerator. “What’s this all about, Mom?” She rummaged in a drawer for a potato peeler and paring knife.

“I thought you knew.”

“Me?” Carolyn felt confused. “You called me.”

Her mother looked disgruntled. “Are you sure you haven’t said anything to her about pressuring me to move?”

“I’m not pressuring you. And no, I haven’t discussed it with Dawn.”

Carolyn let the silence settle as she rinsed potatoes and carrots. How long before her mother realized she couldn’t stay out here alone, miles from a grocery store and medical care? She’d lost power for five days last winter! Mitch had to fight with the Coastal Commission to put in a generator. Not that she’d ever thanked him.

Carolyn dumped peels into the coffee can under the sink. The meat browned in an iron skillet while she diced vegetables. Her mother hadn’t said a word in thirty minutes. Carolyn wanted to suggest her mother think about moving in with her and Mitch. They had plenty of room. Mom could have the never-used maid’s quarters. The apartment had a nice bedroom, private bathroom, sitting room, and kitchenette. Her mother wouldn’t even have to eat at the same table with them if she didn’t want to. But Carolyn knew better. Her mother would make some lame excuse about not wanting to be a burden. If May Flower Dawn wasn’t there, Mom had no interest in being there either.

Still, she needed to make amends. Carolyn sat at the nook table. “I never meant to hurt your feelings, Mom. I worry about you out here all by yourself.” She didn’t want to remind her of the fall that had left her limping for weeks.

Her mother looked like a little girl lost. “Do you?”

“Yes. Especially this time of the year. If this rain keeps up, the roads will close. What if something happened?”

“I haven’t fallen again.” Hildie looked toward the back door. “I hope Dawn gets here soon.”

Dawn. Mom’s only concern.

Carolyn let the hurt slide like water off a gull’s back and admonished herself for wishing Mom could make a little space in her heart for her. Life didn’t always work out the way you wished. At least she had Mitch and Christopher. “I forgot to call Mitch. My cell phone won’t work out here. Do you mind if I use your phone?”

“Go ahead.”

Carolyn lifted the receiver. Nothing. She checked the cord, just to be sure it hadn’t been unplugged accidentally. “Too late. The phone lines are down.”

“Here comes a car. Do you think it could be Dawn?” Mom headed for the door, flipping on the porch light before going out with her umbrella.

Carolyn shoved the chair back and followed. Mom had left her standing in the rain for five minutes, but now opened the gate and stood waiting with the umbrella as May Flower Dawn drove up the hill. Carolyn stood under the gate overhang as her daughter parked.

Mom didn’t wait for Dawn to get out of the car before going out and making sure she was protected from the rain. Carolyn could barely catch a glimpse of her daughter as she maneuvered herself out of the front seat. “Well, look at you!” Mom laughed. They hugged. They chattered.

Carolyn shivered, rain dripping down the back of her neck. Wrapping her arms around herself to ward off the chill, she waited for them to remember her.

Not surprisingly, it was Dawn who did. She stepped out of her grandmother’s embrace and came to Carolyn. “I’m so glad you came.”

“Why wouldn’t I?” Carolyn smiled, feeling teary at the sight of her daughter. “You’re looking in full bloom.” Dawn and Jason had waited a long time for this baby. It was a time for joy. When Dawn threw her arms around her, she gave a soft gasp.

Dawn held tight. “I’ve been dreaming about this for days.”

Carolyn lifted a tentative hand to her daughter’s back, disturbed by the embrace. It wasn’t their usual way. “Of coming home to Jenner?”

Dawn drew back and gave a wobbly smile. “Of having a few days alone with you and Granny. I . . .” She wiped rain from her face—or was she crying? “I’m just so
happy
!”

“Well, that’s good, honey, but you’re getting wet.” Carolyn’s mother looped her arm around Dawn and herded her through the gate. “Let’s get you inside where it’s warm.” She glanced over her shoulder. “Are you coming?”

Carolyn supposed that was as warm an invitation as she would get.

* * *

Dawn smelled something wonderful when she walked in the back door. “Stone soup!” She hadn’t had it in over a year.

Granny chuckled, hazel eyes bright with joy. “You’d better be hungry. Your mother made enough to feed an army.” She took Dawn’s bag. “You’re sleeping in the blue room, honey. I don’t want you having to go out in the rain, and those stairs can be awfully slick. We can’t have any accidents.” She set the bag inside the bedroom, then drew Dawn into the living room. “Why did you rent a car? Someone could have met you at the airport.” Granny sat in her recliner.

Dawn eased her body onto the faded blue sofa. “It’s not a rental. It’s my car.”

Mom sat in one of the swivel chairs near the fireplace. “You drove?”

“Yep.” Dawn tried to make light of it.

“All the way across country in winter?” Granny stared at her. “In your condition?”

Dawn felt the tears coming. “I wanted to come home.” She bowed her head and ran her hand over her swollen belly. “Don’t ask me why. I know it was crazy. I just packed and came.” She raised her head and smiled at her mom first, then Granny. “I want to have my baby here.”

Granny frowned. “In Jenner?”

Dawn giggled. “No, Granny. In California, in Healdsburg or Santa Rosa. I want to be close to family and friends.” She wasn’t ready to talk about everything, not five minutes after she’d arrived, maybe not tonight or tomorrow morning either. “I didn’t want to be alone.”

“Well, that makes perfect sense.” Granny leaned back, making herself comfortable. “When the baby is born, you can come out here and stay until Jason comes home. Then you can fly back to New Jersey to meet him.” Granny, taking over again. Mom didn’t argue. Dawn sensed the hurt she tried to hide and gave her an apologetic smile. “I hope you can get your money back for the airline tickets, Mom. It was important I be with both of you.”

“Well, of course, it is.” Granny nodded. “Your mom understands. This is where you belong.”

Granny meant with her, at Jenner. Dawn saw that’s the way her mother understood it, too, and spoke quietly. “I don’t want to be in between anymore.”

Granny frowned. “What do you mean ‘in between’?”

“Between you and Mom.” Dawn glanced from one to the other. “We three have a lot to talk about.”

Granny’s expression soured. “I should’ve known. Dawn drives all the way across country in the winter, and you say you don’t know a thing about it.” Granny glared at Mom. “I suppose you want me to believe you didn’t tell her you’ve been after me to sell and move.”

“I didn’t.”

“I don’t believe you!”

Mom hunched her shoulders and looked away, fixing her gaze somewhere outside the window. How many times had Dawn seen this happen before? Anytime an argument arose between her and Granny, Mom pulled inside herself like a turtle in its shell. The only one who had ever been able to coax her out was Mitch, and he kept Mom’s confidences.

“Mom didn’t say anything to me, Granny. This is the first I’ve heard of any discussion of you leaving Jenner.”

“You don’t have to pretend, Dawn.” Rain blasted the window, even as the storm in Granny’s eyes grew.

“Are you going to accuse me of lying, too?”

“It’s all right, Dawn. Don’t put yourself in the middle. I think I’ll see about dinner.” Mom got up slowly and went into the kitchen, closing the door behind herself.

Dawn hurt inside. This wasn’t the beginning she wanted. She looked at Granny sadly. “I wouldn’t lie to you and neither would Mom.” She held out her hand. Granny took it. “But now that you’ve brought it up, it might be time to think about moving.” She squeezed Granny’s hand before she let go and pushed herself up. She didn’t want Mom hiding in the kitchen.

“Just leave her alone.” Granny gave a weary sigh. “She’ll come back when she’s ready.”

“I need to use the bathroom.” Dawn rubbed the small of her back. “I hope you’ll apologize when she comes back.”
God, You got me all the way across the country. Please get me through this, too!

When she came out of the bathroom, Mom sat at the kitchen nook table, face in her hands. Granny still sat in the corner recliner in the living room. Dawn felt the tears rise again; she hadn’t been here fifteen minutes and she was right back in the middle. Granny’s head lifted as Dawn stepped toward the living room. “Come on in and sit down, Dawn.”

“Why don’t you come in here, Granny? I’ll fix some tea.”

Granny glowered at both of them. “I don’t want to talk about moving.”

“Why not?”

“Look around.” Granny’s shoulders slumped. “And I’m not talking about the million-dollar view. I’m talking about—” she waved her hand like a white flag—“everything.”

Dawn understood. “I have to pare down every time Jason and I move, Granny. I pick what means the most and sell or give away the rest.”

“Well, it all means something to me, honey. There’s a story behind everything in this house. You know how much Papa loved this place. It was his last big project.” Granny’s eyes grew moist as she looked at Mom. “It might not mean anything to you, Carolyn, but Dawn understands.”

Mom didn’t even try to defend herself.

“I understand, Granny, but Papa wouldn’t want you living here alone.” She didn’t let Granny’s look of hurt silence her. “If you wait too long, someone else will have to make all the decisions—what to keep, what to throw away.”

Granny got up. “Well, that would be fine with me. When I’m dead, I won’t care anymore.” She dumped her tea in the sink. “Have it your way, Carolyn. If you’re that set on getting me out of this house, go on down to the garage and get started sorting.” She slammed her mug on the counter. “I’m going to turn on the TV and see how bad this storm is going to be.” Granny went into the living room.

Dawn sighed. “I’m sorry, Mom. I was trying to help.”

Mom shrugged. “It’s not your fault. It is overwhelming.”

Dawn smiled at her. “What was that you used to say? First things first.”

“One day at a time.”

“Granny loves you, Mom.”

Mom made a soft sound of doubt, got up, and put her mug carefully on the counter. “I think I’ll take advantage of the moment.” She took her jacket by the door and went out.

Dawn went into the living room. Granny tipped her recliner up and peered around her. “Your mother isn’t leaving, is she?”

“Would you care if she did?”

“Of course, I’d care.” She started to push herself up from the chair.

“It’s all right, Granny. She’s going to the garage.”

“Why?”

“You told her to get started, didn’t you?”

Granny sank back in her chair. “I didn’t mean
now
.” She frowned. “It’s freezing out there. It’ll be dark soon.”

“She’s not going anywhere, Granny. I think she just needs to be alone for a while.”

“She’s always preferred her own company.”

Dawn sat on the couch. Sonoma County was on the national news. “Another storm coming in tonight . . .” Aerial film crews showed the Russian River at flood level. The vineyards around Wohler Bridge were underwater. So were the ones near the Korbel Winery. The roads had closed. The river had risen high enough to close the Safeway in Guerneville.

53

Shivering, Carolyn stood in the garage, surveying the massive project ahead of her. Dad’s white Buick Regal still took up half the garage. Mom had forgotten to take the keys out of the ignition. Carolyn backed the car out of the garage and parked it behind Dawn’s car.

Shelves lined the walls. One section displayed canned vegetables and soups; jars of peanut butter, jelly, and jam; cans of tuna; and boxes of macaroni and cheese. Another rack of shelves held small appliances in their original boxes and enough Costco plastic-wrapped boxes of Kleenex, toilet paper, and paper towels to last a year. Carolyn set a kerosene lamp near the door. They might need it. Cabinets lined the back wall: one held shelves of vases in all shapes and sizes; another Korbel champagne, Johnnie Walker Scotch, bottles of Mondavi cabernet sauvignon, Wente Brothers zinfandel and chardonnay, all dusty.
The devil prowls like a lion.
After more than thirty years of sobriety, Carolyn felt the sharp urge to drown her sorrows.

She still attended AA meetings, but Cornerstone Christian Church filled another gap in her life. It had started with Pastor Daniel’s compassion the day Dad died. Then Georgia openly shared her life on the streets before God got ahold of her. Others with less-than-pristine pasts rejoiced over restored lives and made others, still struggling, welcome. Carolyn made friends, though she never let anyone as close as Chel, with whom she had shared all her secrets, even the one she had never told Mitch.

Why was she thinking about all that now?

Carolyn looked over Dad’s tools, mounted neatly above his worktable, all rusting in the sea air. She counted five boxes tucked in the rafters. She set up the ladder, pulled her tiered skirt up between her legs and tucked it into her leather belt, and climbed. Brushing away cobwebs, she brought them down one by one. She was warm by the time she lined the boxes on the cement floor. Mom had labeled each:
Family Pictures
,
Clothing
,
Trip
,
China/FRAGILE
, and
Mama
.

Carolyn pulled open the top flaps of the box marked
Mama
and drew out a hand-crocheted granny-square afghan. It reeked of damp and mold, holes eaten away by mice or rats. She folded it into the garbage can, annoyed that Oma’s labor of love had been stuffed in a box to rot. Next was a shoe box. Carolyn uttered a soft gasp when she found Oma’s leather journal on top of bundles of thin, folded airmail letters with Swiss stamps. She took out the journal and carefully opened it. A picture slipped out and fell on the floor: Oma sitting on a chair holding a baby, a little boy beside her, and a tall, blond, very handsome man in a dark suit standing behind them. He was holding a little brown-haired girl and had his other hand on Oma’s shoulder. Carolyn picked up the picture and turned it over.
Winnipeg, 1919.

“Mom?” Dawn stood in the doorway, bundled in a down coat. “Please come back inside.”

“I was just going through a few boxes.” She tucked the picture back into Oma’s journal and glanced around. “It is going to be a big job.”

“Not one you can finish tonight. Granny fixed corn bread. The table is set for dinner. We can bring in a few boxes and go through them later, if you’d like.” She examined one of them. “Might be kind of fun.”

Carolyn put Oma’s journal on top of the shoe box and stacked them on the box labeled
Family Pictures
. May Flower Dawn lifted the box marked
Trip
. They carried the two boxes into the house and put them in the living room. “It’ll just take me a minute to get the others.” When she’d stacked the other boxes in the middle of the living room, she washed her hands in the kitchen sink before sitting down with May Flower Dawn and her mother, who gave the blessing.

Carolyn put her napkin on her lap. “I found Oma’s journal.”

“My inheritance.” Her mother snorted, scooping stone soup into bowls. “She gave Rikka a few pieces of jewelry. She’d already given Bernie her car. Cloe earns a stipend for handling the college trust Mama set up. I got her recipe book and a box of letters, written in German.” She set a bowl in front of Dawn and filled another for Carolyn.

Dawn took a spoonful of soup and smiled. “Yummy.” She glanced across at Carolyn. “It’s not just a collection of recipes, Granny. When we visited her, Oma gave it to me to read one night. She told me she only wrote important things that made a difference in her life: tips on how to keep a house, yes, and some recipes, but also quotes from people she met, important dates like when you were born and the circumstances, ranch schedules, a funny poem a boy wrote about Summer Bedlam, her thoughts on life. It’s wonderful. It defines her. I’d love to read it again.” She looked at Carolyn. “She sent me a journal after that visit. Remember?”

“You sent her a diploma.” Carolyn smiled, pleased to know that week had meant something to May Flower Dawn, that those few days in Merced had left her daughter with fond memories of Oma.

“The journal she sent me is leather and has my name engraved in gold.
May Flower Dawn.
I have it with me. I think of Oma every time I open it. I followed Oma’s lead. I didn’t write a lot of teenage nonsense in it. I wrote goals, favorite Scriptures, meaningful dates, places Jason and I have lived, dreams . . .” She smiled wistfully. “I wish I’d known Oma better. Oma’s journal meant more to her than jewelry, a car, or money, Granny. She gave you the best of herself.”

Carolyn’s mother looked surprised—and a little perplexed.

The lights flickered and went out, enclosing them in complete darkness. “Wow.” Dawn’s voice sounded louder in the inky wrapping. “I can’t see my hand in front of my face.”

Carolyn hated the darkness. “I forgot the kerosene lantern in the garage. Where’s a flashlight?”

“In one of the kitchen drawers, under the dish cabinets—middle I think—but the batteries are probably dead.”

Carolyn fumbled around in the darkness, opening drawers and feeling through contents.

“Just wait a minute, Carolyn. Or did you forget you and Mitch put in a generator? There it goes.” A distant whir sounded, and then noise.

Dawn laughed. “No muffler on that baby.”

The lights came on. Relieved, Carolyn returned to her seat. Her mother sat calmly, hands folded on the table. “I don’t think I ever thanked you, did I?”

“No. You didn’t. But then we didn’t ask your permission either.” If they couldn’t get her to move, they’d make sure she had heat and power. Four thousand dollars, not to mention the money spent on a lawyer who took over the fight with the Coastal Commission, and not one word of thanks until now.

* * *

After clearing and washing the dishes, Carolyn joined her daughter and mother in the living room. She hesitated on the threshold when she saw them on the couch, May Flower Dawn holding her granny’s hand on her abdomen. They spoke in whispers. Biting her lip, Carolyn stepped back. She felt like an intruder. Mom glanced up and frowned. “Why are you standing there? Come feel the baby moving.”

Carolyn treaded carefully around the stacked boxes and knelt in front of them. Dawn took her hand and placed it on her abdomen. Carolyn didn’t feel anything. Dawn sighed. “Little Miss must have fallen asleep again.” Carolyn rose and sat in the yellow swivel rocker.

Her mother pushed herself up and settled into her recliner. “This is nice, having the two of you here, together.”

Dawn grinned. “Three girls on a sleepover.” She winced in pain and shifted on the couch until she looked more comfortable. Carolyn remembered the final month of pregnancy when her babies had pressed against her rib cage and bore down on her pelvis. The last month was the hardest.

Dawn yawned. She looked so tired.

“Why don’t you go to bed, May Flower Dawn?”

“It’s only eight, Carolyn.”

“She looks exhausted, Mom.”

“I’m not ready for bed yet.” Dawn gave them both a tired smile. “I want to sit and visit.”

“You can lie down and visit.” Carolyn got up and lifted Dawn’s legs onto the couch. “Your ankles are swollen.” Dawn murmured a weary thank-you and said not to worry. Carolyn tucked a needlepoint pillow under her head and draped a soft, white knitted blanket over her. She brushed a wayward strand of blonde hair back from her daughter’s face. She was perspiring. “Do you have a fever?”

Dawn took her hand. “Relax, Mom. It’s a lot of work carrying around an extra thirty pounds.”

Carolyn took her seat and watched Dawn fall asleep. She snored softly. “I guess she is tired.” After a few minutes, she fidgeted in her chair. She felt night fold tight around them, the glass their only barrier against it. “I guess we could go through the boxes.”

“I don’t want to go through those boxes.” Her mother shook her head. “Not tonight. Besides, Dawn would probably get a kick out of it.” She rubbed her leg as though it ached. “You stood in the doorway just now. Why do you do that?”

“Do what?”

“Stand outside a door, peer around corners, listen in.”

Carolyn felt the words like a slap. “Like a sneaky little mouse, you mean. Like I’m planning to steal a bit of cheese?”

Mom looked shocked. “No.” She shook her head. “Like you don’t belong. Like you’re waiting for an invitation.”

“I was told to stay out.”

“Who told you that?”

Why not tell the truth? Mom never spared her feelings. “You did. You said you never wanted me anywhere near you.”

“That’s a lie!” Her eyes darkened in anger.

Carolyn pressed her lips together. She should have known better than to say anything.

“I suppose Oma told you that!”

Heat flooded Carolyn. “You always blame Oma for everything, but I remember you yelling right into my face, ‘Get out of here. . . . Get away from me.’ Not Oma.”

“When did I ever do such a thing?”

“It’s the earliest memory I have.”

Mom’s expression changed, as though remembering. “When you brought me a bouquet of flowers . . .”

“Wildflowers. You didn’t want them.”

“You dropped them. They scattered all over the floor. I picked them up. Oma brought me a vase.”

Picked them up? Put them in a vase? “I never went into your room after that.”

Mom looked stricken. “I was sick, Carolyn. Don’t you remember how sick I was?”

Carolyn didn’t want to go back and visit that time. She wanted to close the trapdoor that had sprung open. She didn’t want to look down into the darkness and see what lay hidden there.

“I had tuberculosis. No one but Dad and Oma were allowed in my room, and they had to take precautions. Do you remember any of that?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“It does matter.”

“It was a long time ago.”

“I
loved
you, Carolyn.”

Loved.
Past tense. Why talk about the past? Why bring it up at all? Chel told her once that just because you were family didn’t mean you got along. Her father hadn’t liked her. “You just live with it and move on,” Chel said. “Don’t waste energy trying to make them love you.”

Chel. Why was she thinking about Rachel Altman now? Why were her words ringing in Carolyn’s head after all these years? Twice in the last few hours.

Carolyn tried to close that door on the past, but memories kept flooding in. She remembered sitting in the tall grass, plucking petals from a daisy.
She loves me; she loves me not; she loves me; she loves me not . . .

Oma loved her.

Mom and Dad loved Charlie.

Charlie. Oh, Charlie.
The pain came up quick, squeezing her heart.

“What are you thinking about, Carolyn?”

“Charlie.” She spoke without thinking. Did the mention of her brother still bring Mom pain? “Sorry.”

Mom appeared calm, pensive. “What about Charlie?”

“He told me you got sick after I was born.”

“Not right away. I let myself get run-down. I knew better. I’d had TB before.”

“When?”

“Your father and I were courting. I thought you knew all this.”

“I guess I don’t know anything.”

“I spent months in Arroyo del Valle Sanatorium. I got better, but the disease is always there, hiding, waiting. When I got sick again after you were born, I thought I was going to die. Oma came so I could come home. Die at home, I thought. I didn’t want to leave your dad in debt. So Oma moved in and . . . took over everything.” She smiled sadly. “That may be what gave me the incentive to get well—watching Oma take over my family.”

The rain pounded harder, like fists on the roof. “Oma loved me, Mom.”

“Yes. And you loved her. Exclusively. You never came to me. You always went to Oma. That’s why I told her to go home.”

“So I wouldn’t have anyone?”

Mom looked crushed. “You were
my
little girl, not Oma’s.”

Carolyn’s fingers curled around the seat cushion. She remembered Dad shaking her and telling her to stop crying or else. “I felt so alone.”

“You had
me
.”

When had that ever been true? “No. I didn’t.”

“Yes, you did!”

Carolyn refused to let it pass this time. “We moved out to the new property! You and Dad worked all the time on the house and gardens.”

“Not all the time.”

“You told me to stay out from underfoot, to go off somewhere and play. I’d wait for Charlie, but when he got home from school, he always grabbed his bicycle and took off.”

“You were right there with me. You picked flowers. You made mud cookies. You flattened down a little private place in the mustard flowers where you played with your rag doll.”

That wasn’t the way Carolyn remembered it. She didn’t want to tell Mom what she did remember. “I think I’ll go to bed.” She got up.

“Carolyn. Please. Can’t we talk about this a little more? I didn’t know you—”

“I’ll see you in the morning.”

“It’ll be cold downstairs.” Mom tried to push herself out of the chair. “I haven’t opened the heating vent to the downstairs yet. It’ll take half an hour to warm up the apartment.”

“Save the energy. I’ll be under the covers anyway.”