Her Hard to Resist Husband (15 page)

Abandoned by his parents. Abandoned by his wife.

What did that make her?

She closed her eyes, trying to block out the thought of Ben sitting alone at home night after night, while she’d tried to outrun her demons. “It’s okay. If you can’t take them, I’ll find someone else.”

“Who?”

“Pedro, maybe.”

The frown was back. “You’d really ask your assistant to take two kids that you’re not willing to take yourself?”

Her eyes filled with tears. “It’s not that I’m not willing to. There are times I think about what our child might have looked like and I… Maybe I can take them for a while and then figure something else out.” She bit her lip, unable to control the wobble of her chin.

Ben took a step forward so she was forced to look up at him then brushed wisps of hair from her temples. His hands slid around to cradle the back of her head. “I didn’t say I wouldn’t take them. I just said I needed to think about it. So give me a day or two, okay?”

She nodded, her heart thumping in her chest as his touch chased away the regret and did strange things to her equilibrium. “Okay.”

“How do you do it?” He leaned down and slid his cheek across hers, the familiar coarseness of his stubble wrenching at her heart.

“Do what?”

“Talk me into doing crazy stuff.”

“I—I don’t.”

“No?” His breath swept across her ear, sending a shiver over her. “How about talking me into getting in that tub?”

Oh. He was right. She had been the one who’d invited him in. “Maybe it’s not me. Maybe it’s this climate. The heat messes with your brain.”

“Oh, no. This is all you.
You
mess with my brain.”

She didn’t know if he thought she messed with it in a bad way or a good way. She suddenly hoped it was good. That he remembered their life together with some fondness, despite the heartache she’d caused him.

His lips touched her cheek then grazed along it as he continued to murmur softly to her. “Tell you what. The kids can come live at the house—temporarily, until Cleo is better and we can find something else.”

She wasn’t sure she’d heard him correctly. She pulled away to look at him, although the last thing she wanted was for his mouth to stop what it was doing. “You’ll take them?”

“I think you missed the pronoun. I said ‘we.’”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m not going to do this by myself. If Cleo’s condition doesn’t stabilize and this turns into full-blown diabetes, she’ll need to be transported back and forth to a specialist. Her insulin levels will need to be monitored closely at first.”

“Daniel—”

“Daniel is responsible, yes, but he’s still just a kid. He’s grieving the loss of his mother. I don’t think it’s fair to expect him to take on the bulk of Cleo’s care.”

“I agree.”

“So the ‘we’ part of the equation means we share the load. You and me.” His sly smile warned her of what was coming before his words had a chance to register. “Until
we
can arrange something else, you’ll need to come back to Teresina. With me.”

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

“
W
HAT?”

Ben had expected an angry outburst the second she realized what he was asking. What he didn’t anticipate was the stricken pain that flooded her eyes instead.

Warning bells went off inside him.

“It won’t be that hard. You can relocate for six months to a year—help the kids get through one school year. You’ll be closer to the Amazon, anyway, if you’re in
Teresina
, because
Projeto Vida’s
medical boat operates out of
Manaus
.”

She stopped walking and turned to face him. “Ben, I—I can’t.”

Something in her face took him aback. What was going on here?

“Why can’t you? And if you mention the word ‘travel,’ the deal is off.” He held his ground. “I want Cleo to get the best treatment available. In fact, I want that just as much as you do, but you’ve got to tell me why you can’t sacrifice one year of your life to help make sure she does.”

She turned away from him and crossed over to the trunk of a huge mango tree, fingering the bark.

Not about to let her off the hook, he followed her, putting his hands on her shoulders. She whirled round to face him.

“You want to know why I’m reluctant to commit to a year in Teresina? Why I traveled so much while I was carrying our child?”

“Yes.” He kept his eyes on hers, even as the first tears spilled over her lashes.

“Because I have the BRCA1 mutation. And I don’t know when—or even if—that switch might suddenly flip on.”

“BRCA…” His mind went blank for a second before his training kicked in. “One of the breast-cancer markers?”

A lot of information hit his system at once: Tracy’s mother’s early death from the disease, her grandmother’s death. Next came shock. She’d been tested for the gene variation? There’s no way she’d draw that kind of conclusion without some kind of definitive proof. “When did you find out?”

“A while ago.” Her green eyes skipped away from his. “After my mother passed away.”

An ugly suspicion went through his mind. Her mom had died not long after they’d married. A lot of things suddenly became clear. The frantic pace she’d kept. Her withdrawal a month or so before she’d finally walked out on him. “It was while you were pregnant, wasn’t it?”

She nodded.

“You went through genetic testing and never said a word to me?”

“I didn’t want to worry you. And then when the test came back positive…” She shook her head. “I was trying to think of a way to tell you. Before I could, you sent the military into that village. I was angry. Hurt. And then I lost the baby.”

And then she’d lost the baby.

A streak of raw fury burst through his system closing off his throat and trapping all kinds of angry words inside as he remembered that time. She’d stood in his office a week and a half ago and accused him of going behind her back, and yet she’d traipsed around the country, carrying this huge secret.

Oh, no. That was where he drew the line.

“Yes, I did go behind your back, and I was wrong for doing that. But how is that any different than what you did? You went behind
my
back and had yourself tested for a gene that could impact your life…our future as a couple. How could you have kept that a secret?”

“You’re right, Ben. I’m sorry.” Her hands went to his, which had drawn up into tight fists as he’d talked. Her fingers curved around them. “At first I was just scared, wondering what it meant for our baby—and if it was a girl, if I would pass the gene to her. Then I worried about how this would affect us as a couple. I—I didn’t want your pity.”

“Believe me, pity is the last thing I’m feeling right now.” At the top of the list was anger. Anger that she’d suffered in silence. Anger that she hadn’t trusted him enough to say anything.

“I probably should have told you. I know that now.”

“Probably?
Probably?
I cannot believe you just used that word.”

She swallowed. “Okay, I
should
have told you.”

“We were supposed to be a couple, Tracy. A team. I shared every part of my life with you. Didn’t keep one thing from you.”

“I know it doesn’t seem right. But when you’ve had some time to think about it—”

“I don’t need time to think.”

When he started to pull away from her completely, she gripped his wrists, holding him in place. “Try to understand, Ben. My mom had died of cancer six months after we were married. We got pregnant sooner than we expected to, and I started to worry. Being tested was something I did on impulse, just to put my mind at ease. I didn’t expect the results to come back the way they did.”

“And yet you kept them to yourself. Even when they did.”

“Yes.”

The anger drained out of him, leaving him exhausted. “It explains everything.”

And yet it explained nothing.

Not really. Millions of women faced these same kinds of decisions. And most of them didn’t shut their loved ones out completely. Only Tracy had also been facing the loss of their child in addition to the test results. Not to mention what she’d viewed as a betrayal on his part.

He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close, tucking her head against his shoulder.

“I’m sorry, Ben,” she repeated. The low words were muffled by his shirt, but he heard them, sensed they were coming from her heart.

He didn’t respond, just let the charged emotions crash over him until they were all spent.

Nothing could change what had happened back then. It was what it was. She’d made her decision, and now he had to make his. How he was going to handle this newfound knowledge?

“This is why you don’t want to take Daniel and Cleo yourself.”

“Yes.”

Wow. He tried to find the right words but found himself at a loss. Maybe like she’d been when she’d found out?

He gripped her upper arms and edged her back a little so he could look at her face. Fresh tear tracks had appeared, although she hadn’t let out any kind of sound.

“This isn’t a death sentence, Tracy.” He wiped the moisture from her cheeks and eyes with the pad of his thumb. “Carrying the gene mutation doesn’t mean you’ll develop the disease.”

“My mom and grandmother did.”

“I know. But knowledge is power. You know to be vigilant.”

“I know that I might have to take preventative measures.”

Something she’d hinted at earlier. “Tamoxifen?” He’d heard that some of the chemo drugs were being used as a preventative measure nowadays, much like the antibiotics they’d used on those exposed to the plague in Sao Joao dos Rios. All in the hope of killing any cancer cells before they had a chance to develop and multiply.

“Some women choose to go that route, yes.”

“But not you.” It was a statement, because from her phrasing it was clear that she wasn’t looking at that option. Or had looked at it and rejected it.

“No. Not me.” She licked her lips. “I’ve been weighing the benefits of prophylactic surgery.”

“Surgery…” He blinked as he realized exactly what she was saying. “You’re thinking of having an elective mastectomy?” Against his will, his glance went to her chest and then back to her face.

“Yes. That’s what I’m saying. I don’t know the timing yet, but I realized not long ago that if I can head it off, that’s what I’m going to do.”

Shit.

He remembered their time in the tub and how he’d gently caressed her breasts. Kissed them. What had she been thinking as he’d brought her nipples to hard peaks? Even then, she hadn’t said a word. Maybe she had been committing the sensations to memory.

Okay, now
his
vision was starting to go a little funny. He tightened his jaw. Tracy had said the last thing she wanted from him was pity. He needed to suck it up. Then again, she’d had a whole lot longer to process the information than he had. And ultimately she was right. It was her decision to make. He might disagree or object or even urge her to go ahead and do it, but he wasn’t the one who’d have to live with the aftermath. Tracy was.

And he’d had no idea what she’d been facing all this time. He was surprised she hadn’t chosen to have the surgery right after their break-up.

He decided not to say anything. Instead, he opted to go a completely different route.

But before he could, she spoke again. “So you see why I’m reluctant to say yes. I was planning to meet with a doctor when I got back to Sao Paulo.”

“Give it some time, Tracy. Neither one of us should make any hard and fast decisions right on the heels of fighting this outbreak.” He tucked a lock of hair behind one of her ears. “I’ll be honest, though. I don’t think I can commit to taking on Cleo’s treatment on my own. And I’m not sure it would be fair to her or Daniel. I’m away a lot. Sometimes for days at a time.”

“Kind of like I used to be.” The words had a ring of challenge to them.

“The difference is I don’t have a partner or children at home. Not any more.”

She sighed. “And I did.”

His thumb stroked her earlobe, watching as her pupils dilated at his touch. “Give me six months to a year of your time, Trace, and I’ll take the kids on. I’m not asking you to renew our wedding vows or even get back together. We just have to…work as partners. For the sake of the kids, until Cleo is fully recovered and we can find a better place for them.”

“I don’t know. Give me a couple of days to make a decision, okay?”

“You’ve got it. But as for timeframes, we don’t have that long, remember? Sao Joao dos Rios has less than a week. And then Cleo—and everyone else—will be escorted out.”

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

I
NSULIN
WAS
A
blessing and a curse.

A blessing because the change in Cleo had been almost immediate when they’d pushed the first dose into her. A curse, because this might be something she’d have to do for the rest of her life.

It explained why her body had taken so much longer to recuperate from the plague than that of her brother. She’d improve a little bit and then go back three steps for seemingly no reason. They’d assumed it was because she was one of the first victims. In reality it had been because the sugar had built up in her system like a toxin, infecting her tissue as surely as the plague had.

The insulin had worked. Today the little girl was well enough to walk the short distance from the village to a clearing to accompany Daniel, Ben and herself as they took care of some important business.

Just like a little family.

And that made her heart ache even more as they caught sight of the first of the cement markers on the other side of a small wooden fence.

“Will I see Mommy again?” Cleo’s voice wobbled the tiniest bit.

“I think you will, honey. But only after you’ve had a long and healthy life.”

Tracy wanted to do everything in her power to make sure that happened.

Even move back to
Teresina
for a while?

Ben stopped at an empty site beneath a tree, carrying a flat sandstone rock in one hand and a hammer and chisel he’d found in a neighbor’s shed in the other. “How does this spot look?”