Her Hungry Heart (24 page)

‘Before long they had swept us into their orbit and we too were laughing. Unable to stagger home across the island on foot, we went back by the light of a hissing gas lantern in a fisherman’s wooden row-boat, singing horribly out of tune all the way.

‘The next morning I got wonderful reviews from Jay’s boys. “You were great. Mimi, they loved you.” They were so happy and bubbling with excitement, I only managed to get half of what they were telling me. I tried to put it together, but it actually had to be spelt out to me. A change of plans – we were joining the others. A French boy was sailing in from Simi that morning in a reconditioned caique and we were going to island-hop for a week, winding up somewhere on the Mediterranean coast of Turkey. From there we would be going overland, exploring ancient Greek monuments.

‘I was so tempted, but I felt so ridiculous: I was old enough to be their mother. It had been great fun that night with them all, but they were so very young. Appealing as they were, I convinced Larry and Sam they were not letting me down if they went off without me. In fact, I insisted upon it. Larry was twenty years old, Sam twenty-two. The last thing they needed was a chaperone, and a step-mother chaperone at that.

‘I sent them off with my blessing. The cook was already gone, the housekeeper leaving the following day. I would be
alone. You know how I enjoy my own company, being alone is not a problem for me. I was quite happy to swim naked in the sea, to lie on the beach and listen to good music. I took my time looking at maps, deciding what excursions to take on my own. I felt no need to rush away. Being alone was wonderful, especially being alone in Patmos. It is an out-of-this-world place, and something strange was happening to me. I know it was all in the mind, but it was happening. I felt happy, a kind of happiness that I don’t think I had experienced before. It was a kind of selfish, self-contained happiness that had nothing to do with family or friends, just me. I felt quite elated by it, extraordinarily brave.

‘I said goodbye to the houskeeper who assured me she would be back in a week, and told me who to call if I needed anything. The following day I lazed about and swam, and then I took the footpath over the island and decided to stay in town for lunch.

‘The people at the restaurant where we usually ate greeted me with their usual enthusiasm. I went into the kitchen and peered into the pots, chose what I wanted. They placed a table at the far end of the quay next to the sea. It was particularly quiet that day. I was late, that was probably it. People were on their way home for the siesta. I had an ouzo, unusually for me at midday. Then they brought me a bottle of retsina. There was nothing left but octopodi grilled over charcoal and barbounia, a kind of red mullet, I think. Not my favourite fish, but I was hungry. I had nothing on under my long cotton skirt and large, loose cotton T-shirt. Just Greek sandals on my feet, no make-up. I felt such a tourist, and liked the feeling. There was something transient and exciting about being there that way. No Jay, no kids. I ate ravenously, and every morsel tasted better than any food I’d ever eaten.

‘Everything about that day seemed to be heightened. Then, quite suddenly, he was standing at my table.

‘“Hello again. Do you mind if I sit down?”

‘I pulled out a chair for him. “I thought you had gone with my stepsons.”

‘“Ah, so that’s the relationship.”

‘I held out the plate of octopodi. He took a piece between his fingers and chewed on it. I saw the waiter coming and I asked him, “Will you join me for some food?” He nodded his head. I asked for another plate and a glass.

‘I don’t even much remember what we talked about. He was pleasant and we lingered over the food. There was hardly a soul left in the port. We were going in the same direction so why not together, taking the footpath that edged along the sea? I had a basket containing bread, a piece of cheese, an aubergine, a few eggs and an onion. The heat was really oppressive. When we came to the fork in the road where my way was down the path that ran parallel to the sea and his went up over the hill further on, he said, “Not a good idea, this walk in the midday sun, without a hat,” and insisted on seeing me home.

‘There was a small cove with a perfect little beach about fifteen minutes from the house. We often swam there. There was a flat rock, cantilevered by nature to hang over the sand. Jay called it God’s Umbrella. Rick suggested we get out of the sun and under it, to cool down. Not a bad suggestion. It really was hot. We scrambled down the rocks. It took some care to get to the beach without gashing a hand or a foot, but we made it. He touched me on the shoulder and pointed to God’s Umbrella.

‘“Oh, yes,” I remember saying to him. “I could use that.”

‘I removed my shoes, pulled my skirt up to rest on my thighs, and sat next to him in the shade. It felt good to get out of that relentless sun. I cooled down quite quickly. We didn’t say much, just listened to the lapping of the sapphire blue, crystal clear water, watching it roll on to the beach. Like the waves rolling in here now. The water sparkled like
the sun reflected off a mirror. We looked at each other. I could see he fancied a swim.

‘“No suit,” I told him, “you go ahead.”’

‘“Don’t be ridiculous,” he said, and lifted my T-shirt up over my head. He took me quite by surprise. There was a look of sheer pleasure in his eyes at the sight of my bare breasts. I wasn’t going to protest at his audacity. My skirt had a row of bone buttons going down the front, he was opening them one by one. His smile silenced me. It was neither smug nor smutty. He made it easy for me, and I was so hot, and the water so seductively inviting. He was naked himself before he held a hand out to pull me up from the sand. We ran into the sea.

‘I was stunned with admiration for his young, handsome body, the narrow hips, wide shoulders and broad chest, sexy rounded muscular bottom, massively strong thighs, a beautiful large and thick circumcised penis. Such young flesh, so tanned and healthy. I was too busy enjoying his body to think about my own running naked into the sea on a Greek island with a stranger. I felt immediately revived in the water. It felt good, that cool clear water, with the surface warmed by the hot sun. We swam together. We were good swimmers on and under water. We dived down deep and frolicked like dolphins.

‘On shore we were dried by the heat in minutes. We dressed and walked the rest of the way home, talking more now about the sea and the island. He stayed for supper, there was a full moon, thousands of stars. At one o’clock in the morning he walked in the glow of the moon over the barren rocks back to his home.

‘I couldn’t sleep at all that night, I kept thinking about him. I had no idea how much I wanted him until he appeared the next morning.

‘“Hello,” he said. I was enormously happy to see him. “I am going to do some sight-seeing. Care to come with me?”

‘I heard myself saying yes. Not where, when, for how
long? Just yes. There seemed no reason to say no. I was free, Jay knew I was travelling, and expected to see me when he saw me. The boys weren’t returning to the island. It was only a matter of closing up the house, leaving the key at the coffee-house with Phillippos.’

Mimi rose from the deck chair and walked the few yards to the water’s edge. Barbara opened her eyes and watched her walk along the shore. Then she slumped back against her chair and closed her eyes again. Several minutes went by and she heard Mimi climb back into the creaking deck chair. Barbara was not surprised when she picked up her narrative where she had left off.

‘Funny, the little things you remember. We had the use of a boat, quite a good size. I had only a small case, a change of clothes, my handbag, a large, beat-up, old straw hat. He had nothing but a scruffy soft leather briefcase. He flung it in the boat, and we stood there looking at each other for several minutes before we pushed it into the water. I was out of character, wanting him and his body. I was acutely aware of thinking of him as an object of desire, the man I’d never had, the one I really wanted, way down deep somewhere in my sexual soul. I simply could not stop thinking of sex.

‘“Well, I guess that’s it, let’s go.”

‘I climbed into the boat. I was feeling terribly dull, not being able to think of something to say. I wanted to be clever, but instead dutifully did as he told me, just climbed into the boat. He pushed it out, and after several tries the motor snapped into life with a high-pitched sound in the silence of that beautiful place.

‘I thought we were making for the ferry to take us away from the island. But no, we boarded instead a large working caique with a crew of three. They made us comfortable, pitched a makeshift sunshade for me in the bow of the boat, gave us a water melon, and then retreated to the other end of the boat. It was so romantic on that caique with him – a
cloudless sky, the heat intense but seemingly not so, with a light breeze coming off the water. “This is madness,” I told him.

‘He looked genuinely surprised. “Madness?”

‘“I want you.”

‘He laughed and I became angry. “Are you laughing at me?”

‘“Yes.”

‘I jumped to my feet. He grabbed me by the wrist and pulled me back down on to the deck, under the blanket stretched with ropes, my awning.

‘“Why am I laughing at you? Because I’m yours and you don’t even know it.”

‘Then he left me and went to talk to the crew. I felt so happy. He wanted me as much as I wanted him. It was a kind of love-madness, and it felt so good. And when he returned to me he smiled at me with an intimacy I had rarely felt with another human being. We both knew we were on a quest. He is a remarkable young man. You see, he knew it was sexual love. I had thought it was love. He wasted no time in making me understand the difference. Not with words, or denying me what I felt. It was by his actions that I understood.

‘That first night the caique sailed into Ikaria. The port was quiet, it was the early hours of morning and everyone was asleep. We walked along a road that ran parallel to the shore to the edge of town. There the road stopped, and by moonlight we climbed down some rocks and around a small cove, up a steep flight of stairs carved from the rocks and on to a promontory. There, looming grandly in the moonlight, was a large neo-classical Greek island house, surrounded on three sides by the sea.

‘It was dark, but he found a key for the front door under a pot. Inside, a note on the table. His friends were travelling, no date for their return. The walk had been long and we were tired. We took the largest bedroom overlooking the
sea. It was on the first floor, over the entrance of the house. We undressed and fell into each other’s arms on the bed. And sound asleep, you may be surprised to learn.

‘But, starting the next day, it was a sexual orgy for two. He is an extraordinary lover, Barbara. He taught me the real meaning of erotic pleasure. Every sexual inhibition I ever had dissolved. The touch of his skin, the … oh, I don’t have to go into all that, I am sure you know well the way it was. He tapped into the sexual side of my nature. He taught me how to make love to a man in ways I never dreamed would give so much pleasure, and he made love to me. Our demands on each other drove us further, always further, into an erotic land, foreign to me till then.

‘His friends returned. They were amusing, and charming. Very young, very open, free, and in love with themselves and their drug-taking. High on everybody doing their thing, whatever it was. Acceptance was the name of their game. There was music, and gaiety, and laughter, and I felt as much a part of it as I could possibly feel. By the end of those few days spent with them nothing surprised me. I, too, found it all acceptable. The orgy for two had now became an orgy for seven. It was down to the sexual nitty-gritty. Changes of partners, genders. I knew I was mesmerized by it all but he had triggered something in me. Mimi, the kid, wanted to experience it all, at least once.’

She paused. ‘Are you shocked, Barbara?’

She opened her eyes. Until that moment, she had thought it best not to look at Mimi. They were friends, she wasn’t a critic. Mimi did not need her approval. That was the basis of this long-lasting friendship. It was a rare relationship, especially so because of the difference in ages between the two women. Barbara closed the buttons of her blouse and pulled herself up in the deck chair. The two women turned in their chairs. Sitting on the edge of them they faced each other, their knees nearly touching. Mimi held up her hand as if to stop Barbara speaking.

Barbara smiled. ‘That’s a very stupid question.’

‘I know you. You love me more for it. For having the courage to slake my thirst and get on with adding to my life.’

The two women leaned forward. It was an emotional moment. They flung their arms around each other and hugged, tears in their eyes, because they loved each other. Barbara, because this had once been the lost, isolated child with more emotional scars than she had ever seen in a child. And this was Karel’s daughter, a part of him, the daughter they never had together, a shrewd and beautiful woman with the courage always to take that next step forward to enrich her life. This was her friend, a woman now, who at last was a free spirit able to do everything she wanted because she understood her hunger. She could accept that the heart is a lonely hunter.

For the first time Barbara regretted the way they had deceived Mimi all these years about their relationship. Surely Mimi could be trusted to understand it now? Even though that might be true, there still was Karel to deal with, and her loyalty to him. She would still have to keep her secret. Barbara had always known that Karel could never face the truth. While Mimi had suffered in loneliness and considerable despair, he had been close, oh so close, yet had not made even a phone call. No matter the danger, there had been any number of ways he could have made contact. Could have eased the stress his child was living through. They were still trapped, the three of them, in lies told in the name of love and survival.

The two women slipped out of their hug of affection, love and respect. Barbara told her, ‘Yes, Mimi, I have slept with two men at the same time, and it was madly sexual and exciting. And still is, on the rare occasions I do it now. I have a long-time erotic relationship, and a special kind of love, with a man. It is based on a kind of mutual sexual madness that enhances our lives. Some people call that kind
of madness being in love. We are sexually in love with each other, have been for decades, always will be. Like you, we feel no guilt for our actions, our hungry hearts. I imagine you too will understand, as we did, right from when we first met, that this sexual need we feel for each other doesn’t impinge on the rest of our lives. That’s why it’s still young and fresh for us. It’s my secret love, his too. And I’ll never tell you who he is, or when I see him. That’s my own personal, private domain. But, yes, I have and do sleep occasionally with two men at a time. There, that’s the answer to your question. No more now, please, till we’ve put away some lunch.’