Her Journey Begins (24 page)

Chris bites her quivering lip and looks around the room telling herself
“
you will not cry
.
”

Brent looks at him,
“
You can
’
t do this!
”

Chris reaches over and squeezes Brent
’
s hand as she signs the last one. Looking down at it a tear falls on her signature. She lets go of Brent
’
s hand, picks up the paper and tears it down the middle and hands it to the attorney.
“
Please make sure I get a copy of all three, please.
”
Looking at Brent she tells him,
“
If my purse is here somewhere, my keys for my apartment are in it. Would you please follow him over there and let him in?
”

  
“
Chris! Are you out of your mind?
”

She grabs Brent
’
s arm, pulls him close to her, and pleads,
“
Don
’
t let him take my camera or my pictures, please?
“
They are all I have left
”
and she finally lets the tears fall.

Holding her hand Brent leans down and kisses her on the forehead.
“
I
’
ll come back right after he leaves.
”

Chris shakes her head no.
“
If you want, you can crash on my couch. You need to get some sleep and they will probably be releasing me soon, so I
’
ll have them call my mom to come pick me up.
”

  
“
Are you going to go stay at your mom
’
s?
”

Sucking in short, deep breathes Chris shakes her head.
“
No, I
’
m going to come home.
”

Brent wants to tell her that she really should stay at her mom
’
s, but he knows it won
’
t do any good. Letting go of her hand he walks out, followed by the attorney.



   Barb brought her a pair of her sweats and a shirt to change into. Coming out of the bathroom Chris sees the nurse standing there with the discharge papers that she needs to sign and prescriptions the doctor wrote out that they need to get filled. Chris takes the clipboard from the nurse, signs the discharge order and looks at the three prescriptions. There
’
s an antibiotic, a pain killer, and a sleeping pill. Chris holds the sleeping pill prescription out to the nurse.
“
I don
’
t need this.
”

Barb looks at her,
“
Chris,
”
and she sighs,
“
You probably will need it, at least for a few days.
”

Chris continues to hold it out to the nurse.
“
No. It doesn
’
t matter if I take it for one night, or for the rest of my life. When I wake up in the morning, Brandon still won
’
t be there. I don
’
t need it, thank you anyways.
”

Barb sighs again and takes the prescription from Chris.
“
I
’
ll hold on to it just in case you change your mind.
”
But Barb knows there is no way in hell Chris will change her mind.



   Getting in the car Barb tells her,
“
I put clean sheets on your bed and aired out your room, so it
’
s all ready for you.
”

Chris shakes her head and stares straight ahead,
“
I
’
m not going there. I
’
m going home to my apartment.
”

  
“
Chris it
’
s not a good idea for you to stay at your apartment by yourself right now.
”

Chris clenches and unclenches her hands.
“
I won
’
t be there by myself, Brent
’
s there.
”
Mom takes a deep breath and tells her okay and wonders,
why is Brent there
? but doesn
’
t ask. She figures Chris has her reasons.

     Hearing the key in the door brings Brent out of his troubled sleep. As he sits up, Chris and Barb walk in. Chris takes a quick glance around the room and walks into her bedroom shutting the door behind her. Brent looks at Barb, sighs and then puts his head in his hands. Barb sits down on the couch next to him and puts her arm around his shoulders.
“
Are you doing okay?
”

  
“
Not really. Did she tell you?
”

  
“
Tell me what?
”
Barb asks.

  
“
About the attorney and the papers she signed?
”
Barb shakes her head and Brent proceeds to tell her, and then asks,
“
What would make Chris do that?
”

  
“
I don
’
t know Brent but I
’
m sure Chris has her reasons. Have you eaten anything?
”
Brent shakes his head.
“
Come on into the kitchen and I
’
ll make you and Chris something to eat. God knows she
’
s probably starving. They said she refused to eat at the hospital
”

   Chris walks into the kitchen as Barb and Brent are talking about Chris staying at the apartment. Chris sits down at the table and Barb places a plate in front of her. Chris pushes the plate away and places her hands on the table. Looking down at them, she clenches and unclenches, closed fist, fingers to palm, before turning her wedding rings around and around on her finger.

  
“
It doesn
’
t matter where I stay, or who stays with me. Either you two, dad, half the school, or even Brandon
’
s Mom herself, when I close my eyes, I see every little detail and when I open my eyes, I go over every little detail in my mind. It
’
s happened, there
’
s nothing any of us can do about it. You can blame me for it, or the guy who shot him, who told me he didn
’
t mean to, the gun just went off, or we can blame Brandon
’
s mom for disowning him, but what good will it do? Will any of it bring him back? How are you supposed to make my pain go away? I know I
’
m being selfish and difficult. I know you are hurting too. You can even say that I
’
m being a bitch, but I don
’
t know right now any other way to be. I
’
m sorry. And Brent as for me signing the papers, Brandon
’
s mom can have the marriage annulled, in my heart Brandon will always be my husband, as for his possessions, they are just clothes and shoes, something neither of us needs anymore, and the part about the funeral, his mom has enough pain right now and the guilt she must be going through for pushing him away has got to be gnawing at her heart and will for the rest of her life, she doesn
’
t need me there to remind her, besides he
’
ll know that even if I
’
m not there, doesn
’
t mean that I don
’
t love him, right?
”
Chris lays her head down on her arms and sobs.



   Chris is fidgety. Mom finally agreed to go home after Chris agreed to eat something. Brent went home to take a shower and get cleaned up, telling her as he left that he
’
d pick them up a pizza and that he
’
d be sleeping on her couch tonight, no matter what she says. She can
’
t sit down, she can
’
t stand still, going in the kitchen she looks at the coffee cup sitting on the sink and the clean dishes in the drainer. Clenching and unclenching her hands she has the urge to break something right now. Smash a glass on the floor or throw a chair through the kitchen window. Maybe if she just screamed, maybe the pain would go away or at least soften a bit. The emptiness, the hurt, the sadness, the pain is unbearable, she would cry if she had any tears left, but her eyes feel puffy and dry, she just feels drained as she goes back in and sits on the couch. She looks around the room and yet sees nothing. Brent finally gets back with the pizza and they eat. She didn
’
t think she could eat, but she finds that she really was hungry, even though after eating she feels sick to her stomach and is afraid she won
’
t be able to keep it down. She tells Brent goodnight and goes into her room. Shutting the door she reaches under her pillow and pulls out Brandon
’
s t-shirt. It
’
s the one he wore two nights ago after he took his shower and tossed on the floor before he climbed into bed and made love to her for the last time. It
’
s the same one she had picked up and tossed into her drawer and now she
’
s glad she did, because the attorney didn
’
t take it with him. That was the first thing she did when mom brought her home, she checked to make sure it was there and then folded it and stuck it under her pillow. Putting it on, she can smell his cologne on it. It
’
s just a plain white t-shirt, nothing fancy, but it
’
s the one he wore for P.E. and all of his practices senior year. He told her it was his lucky shirt. Lifting the edge and looking at the underside of the hem, there are his initials in permanent marker. Climbing into their bed, Chris wraps her arms around herself, hugging her body tight. Lying in the center of the bed Chris uses his pillow, and even though she didn
’
t think she could, she cries herself to sleep.



   The day before the funeral Barb and Chris are sitting at the table in Chris
’
apartment. Barb reaches over and covers Chris
’
hands with hers.
“
Where
’
s Brent?
”

  
“
I sent him home last night.
”

  
“
Would it be for the same reason he and Brandon got into that argument at the baseball field?
”

  
“
Yeah, something like that.
”

  
“
Are you okay?
”

  
“
I
’
m fine mom. I like Brent. He
’
s been nothing but sweet, kind, and helpful, but
…”
Chris stops and thinks about what she wants to say and how she wants to say it.
“
I don
’
t want him to take advantage of me during a weak moment. No, that
’
s not quite right. I don
’
t think he would take advantage of me. He put his arm around me last night. We were sitting on the couch and I had started crying, so he put his arm around me to comfort me, but mom if I was weak and if he would have tried to kiss me
…”
Chris closes her eyes before going on.
“
If I were to just close my eyes and imagine Brandon holding me in his arms
…”
She shakes her head and opens her eyes.
“
Mom, I miss Brandon so much. I feel so empty inside. I don
’
t think I
’
ll ever understand the reason he
’
s gone. I do understand why I lost the baby though. Brandon knew I couldn
’
t take care of her by myself, so he took her with him. I think he was afraid his mom would have fought me for custody, so instead of making me have to go through that he took her. Well, that
’
s what I believe anyway.
”

  
“
Her?
”
 

With a sad smile Chris tells her,
“
Brandon and I both felt we were going to have a little girl. We were going to name her, Sara Lynn.
”
Chris lays her head down on her folded arms and cries.