Her Lone Cowboy (7 page)

“Noah,” she breathed, a warning lost in a sigh.

He took the last step forward and dipped his head, touching her lips with his own.

N
OAH
’
S LIPS WERE WARM
and rich from the heat of his body and the taste of the coffee. With a sigh, Lily melted against him, feeling his wide chest against her breasts as she lifted her face to him, curling her hand around the nape of his neck while her other hand remained entwined with his.

He moved their joined hands so that they were pressed against the small of her back, pushing her closer into his body, and the kiss deepened. It had been a long time, too long, she realized, since she’d kissed a man. Since she’d wanted to. Her lashes fluttered as he murmured against her lips and her hand slipped down over his shoulder, avoiding his partial arm and sliding over his ribs instead.

When they broke off the kiss, Lily stepped back, even though what she really wanted was to curl up inside his embrace and feel cherished there.

That in itself was reason enough to back away.

“We shouldn’t have done that,” Lily blurted out as Noah’s keen eyes pinned her to the spot. With a breath of panic, she realized that with a slight movement he could have her close again.

“That bad, huh.”

Bad? She studied his face but he didn’t look as though he
was joking. It hadn’t been bad in any way, shape or form. It had been fantastic. That was why it was a mistake. But she knew admitting it would be an even bigger error in judgment, so she stayed silent.

“I beg your pardon.” The air between them seemed to turn quite chilly now. His lips became a thin, inaccessible line. “I overstepped. It was an interesting morning.”

Damn, now she’d gone and offended him. That hadn’t been her intention. “There is no need to beg my pardon.” She tried to smooth it over by offering a conciliatory smile. “We both know there can be nothing between us, right? It just happened. That’s all. As you said—it’s been an interesting morning.”

Interesting wasn’t the half of it. She’d seen a side of him that was unexpected; gentle, quiet, tender even, as he helped bring the foal into the world. She was usually immune to that kind of sentimentality, instead choosing to see the big picture. And the big picture here was that Noah was at an in-between place in his life and would be leaving as soon as he was able. If she kept on, she would be a casualty. She must be losing her edge.

Noah sighed, turning away and going to the sink for a glass of water. “Seeing the mare and foal…it reminded me of what it was like to be home before. When times were simpler. Sometimes it feels so strange, being here, being in this kitchen.” He drank deeply of the water and put the glass on the counter.

“You’ve been gone a long time. Maybe too long.”

He nodded. “Yes, in some ways, the army became my home.”

A home away from here, Lily reminded herself. A home he wanted to return to. She was realizing it more every day. It had been foolish to give in to the kiss. Keeping it light was how it had to be.
This time
she had her eyes wide-open, and he would be leaving. She had to keep herself from caring. And sneaking kisses didn’t help with that objective at all! She needed to find a way to put some distance between them.

Noah rested his hips against the counter and stared toward the hallway that led to the stairs. “I haven’t even been through my things, do you know that? I’ve stayed in the rented house, been here for a few meals at Jen’s nagging.”

Her insides seized as he talked about being home; he couldn’t know how the truth of his words resonated within her. Home was something she hadn’t had, not really. Not with a deep history like Noah’s. For a moment she forgot about the kiss and the upcoming wedding and how she needed to keep her distance while at the same time keeping things amicable. No, he’d touched a nerve. Here he had a perfectly fine home—where he was wanted and welcomed and he seemed to be turning his back on it when he should need it the most.

“Perhaps you should go up. This is your home. I don’t know why you’d feel odd coming back to it. I’ll bet there are all kinds of things left up there.”

Lily went to the far counter, tidying up the sandwich fixings while Noah studied her with sharp eyes. She couldn’t meet his gaze. Did he realize how much he was taking for granted?

“I’m not the same boy who left.”

“So what? It doesn’t change who you were, or the fact that that boy was the reason you became the man you are now. It doesn’t change that Andrew is your brother. Or that he worked very hard to make sure you came home to get well. It means a lot to him that you’re here. Maybe more than you realize.”

“So you think I’m ungrateful?” He pushed away from the counter.

Did she? Lily pondered that for a moment. “Not ungrateful, exactly,” she amended. “I think you have tunnel vision right now. It’s understandable. A lot has happened to you.”

He looked down at his arm. “You think?”

Lily knew that whatever she’d gone through was nothing compared to Noah, and it had left invisible scars as well as
the obvious. He had a lot to work through. But it bothered her that he suddenly seemed to be taking Andrew and Lazy L for granted. He had sold out his share. Andrew had brought Noah home because that was what real families did.

“What I think is I need to get going and you need to check on Beautiful and her baby. And then I think you need to spend some time reacquainting yourself with Noah Laramie. Your room would be a good start.”

“And I suppose you want to help me with this, too.”

Lily grabbed the cold cuts and put them back in the fridge, keeping her hot cheeks away from Noah’s astute eyes. She was already in too deep simply by caring. By going now, she would be away from the temptation of kissing him again. “You’ve fought my help since the beginning,” she pointed out, turning from the fridge and leveling him with a stern look. “This time I agree with you—I think this is something you need to do on your own.”

“Right.”

He went to the door and out onto the veranda. “Where are you going?” she called after him.

“To check on the mare, like you said.”

Lily picked up her purse and stared after his retreating figure. He was angry, and a part of her felt badly for being blunt. But another part of her wondered if any of what she’d said had penetrated his thick skull…and if it might make a difference.

Andrew had taken over with Beautiful and the new filly the moment he’d arrived back at Lazy L. When Jen had asked about naming her, Andrew had given her an indulgent smile and a knowing look at Noah. “Women, they have to name everything like it’s a pet.”

But Noah had interrupted, remembering the look of awe
on Lily’s face as the foal had been born and his first words to the latest addition to the Lazy L herd.

“Gorgeous,” he said. “Her name is Gorgeous.”

Andrew had laughed and Jen had been delighted.

But now they’d gone out to the barn together and Noah was left in the farmhouse all alone.

Maybe Lily was right after all. Maybe he did need to remember the boy he’d been. It was as if there was a distinct line in his life. One side said
before the army
and the other said
in the army
. But where was he now? Certainly not out, but not in, either. And there had been some good times here. Good times like the ones he’d remembered today.

He took the stairs slowly, wandering up to his old room. The door was ajar, and he pushed it the rest of the way open, flicking on the light switch. The window blind was down, and he crossed the room to open the slats, letting in summer evening light. He turned the light back off and stared around him. Nothing had changed. Nothing. It remained exactly as it had been when he was nineteen and heading to boot camp. For a few years he’d returned during his leaves, but Andrew and his father always seemed to be at odds and it hadn’t been enjoyable. And since then, he’d barely been home for visits, and then only short ones. He hadn’t been home in five years. And now he regretted it.

The navy comforter was unmussed on the bed, the shelf on the wall still contained his softball and hockey trophies. On the scarred pine dresser was the framed photo of his graduation from boot camp. Another of the day he’d become an officer. It was clear Andrew hadn’t touched a solitary thing in here. Nor had Gerald. What had they been waiting for? The boy he’d been wasn’t the man who had returned. Seeing his things waiting for him should have been comforting, but instead it made Noah feel even more
like a stranger. What had happened to that young, idealistic boy? Where had he finally left him behind? Afghanistan? Bosnia?

The truth was that the house at Lazy L didn’t actually feel like home anymore. He felt more relaxed, more contented, in the little rented house closer to town. Today as they had watched Beautiful’s foal being born…that had been the first time that he’d really felt things click into place. He’d missed things about being on the farm. He’d remembered some happy moments when it had been the three of them all together.

Lily had been with him. And he’d been a fool and kissed her.

Noah sat heavily on the bed, hearing the box spring creak under his weight. He had let her simple touch carry him away, and then he’d slipped completely under her spell the moment her lips touched his. He’d been wanting to do it ever since the day he’d tried on the tux and her arms had come around his chest.

And practical, pretty Lily had been darkly sweet. He hadn’t anticipated the punch to the gut response. Noah ran his hand through his hair, frowning. And then what? Even if he wanted to take it further—which he had, at least at the moment—he couldn’t. He couldn’t let her see him the way he was now. He couldn’t bear to see her soft smile turn to horror, and that’s what would happen if she saw what war had done to him. An army life was no life for her, but it wouldn’t matter because as soon as she saw the marks it would be over. He could learn to rewrite his name, he could learn to tie his shoes and drive a car again. But he couldn’t take the scars away. He couldn’t change a single, damn thing.

His jaw hardened and he got up from the bed. One kiss and here he was, thinking about her and reminiscing in his old bedroom. What good would it do to remember? Not a bit that he could see. When he’d said that the boy he’d been was gone, he’d meant it.

He shut the door behind him with a firm click. When he’d said kissing her was a mistake, he’d meant that, too.

But then he leaned against the door frame, closing his eyes. Somehow he had to find a way to keep his attraction to her at bay. No more moments of weakness. The wedding was coming up, and for the sake of peace he would somehow manage to keep things amiable between them. He enjoyed her company. There was no reason to make the wedding a tense affair. He’d lock up whatever feelings he seemed to be developing, because no good could come of it. And when the wedding was over, he’d see about his options for the future.

Back in the part of his life that made sense.

“Noah.”

He opened his eyes, startled by the sound of his brother’s voice saying his name. He turned his head, saw Andrew at the bottom of the stairs. “Hey.”

“What are you doing up there?”

Noah schooled his features. He didn’t want Andrew to know how he was feeling about the house or about Lily. Lily was their friend. And Lazy L…It was clear to Noah that Andrew was really proud of what he was doing. Lily’s words still rang in his ears. Andrew had wanted Noah to come home. If Andrew was trying to make up for lost time, he was too late. Their father was gone. The years were gone. What they had to work with was
right now
. And as much as he had no desire to hurt his brother, he couldn’t look too far into the future yet. It was simply too big, too daunting.

“Just checking out my old room.”

Andrew nodded. “You got a minute for a walk? I want to talk to you about something.”

“Sure.”

Noah looked at his bedroom door once more before going down the stairs. He pulled on his boots while Andrew waited
on the porch, and then went outside. Wordlessly they started walking, heading toward the west hay field.

The sun was still in the sky but its light had mellowed as summer suns do. The blades of grass held a rosy hue, and the scattering of clouds across the sky had pink and lavender underbellies. It was Noah’s favorite time, when there was slow warmth and the day was gently sighing that the work was done. At this time of day sometimes it was hard to believe he’d ever left.

“I’m glad you were here today,” Andrew began. They slowed their steps, stopping before the boundary of the field, watching the grasses wave in the wind. “I didn’t expect the mare to deliver.”

Noah thought back to how relieved he’d been to see Lily in the house. It had been a long time since he’d helped a mare foal and he’d been afraid. Doubted that he could have handled any complications with one arm. But Lily had been there, backing him up, and he’d felt strong and capable when she’d beamed as the foal stood for the first time on wobbly legs. He swallowed hard. “I was glad to do it.”

“You’ve been more help than you know, Noah. This summer would have been impossible without you being here.”

“You would have hired someone.”

“It’s not the same as family.”

Noah got an uncomfortable feeling in the center of his chest. Andrew hadn’t looked at him while he was speaking, instead staring off into the distance. He didn’t want to disappoint Andrew. It had been good, connecting with him again. But if Andrew was hoping for more…

The uneasiness grew as neither said anything for a few minutes. Finally Noah broke the silence, nodding at the hay field. “Just about time for the second cutting, don’t you think?”

Andrew nodded. “Dawson said he’d do it. Look, I asked you out here because I have something to tell you.”

And he didn’t sound the least bit happy about it, Noah
realized. Was it Jen? The ranch? Noah? “Just come out with it then.” He hooked his thumb in his front pocket and faced his brother square on. A clean cut healed best.

Andrew met Noah’s gaze and admitted, “I invited our mother to the wedding.”

Noah’s breath came out with a whoosh. “What? Our mother? Do you even know where she is?” He hadn’t seen his mother since he was seven years old. He’d seen his father’s heartbreak after she’d abandoned them, had seen how Andrew had been so confused and had kept waiting for her to come home. At seven, he had understood certain things slightly better than his little brother. But she hadn’t ever come back and he’d never gone looking.