Her Mother's Hope (36 page)

She didn’t want to take any chances on infecting him or anyone else.

Hildie spent the next few weeks on the isolation ward, waiting for test results. Trip kept coming back. “You’re the most stubborn, willful woman I’ve ever met,” he called through the door.

The tests came back positive.

36

“We don’t know enough yet about tuberculosis.” The doctor looked apologetic. Several nurses had died over the last few years. Clearly he didn’t want to give false hope.

Hildemara knew she had little chance of survival with a history of pneumonia.

“I’ve ordered bed rest.”

She gave a bleak laugh. As if she hadn’t been in bed resting for weeks!

“Merritt doesn’t have a contagion ward dedicated to TB, so you will be transferred to a sanatorium. There are several from which to choose, but you’ll need to make your decision right away or the hospital administration will have to decide for you.”

Though Hildie had contracted tuberculosis while working, it still remained unsettled whether Merritt Hospital administration would pay for her care. Not wanting to accumulate debt, she chose the least expensive facility, Arroyo del Valle, a county sanatorium in the Livermore hills. They offered financial aid. If she survived, she would need it. She found herself wondering who would have to pay the bills if she died. Citizens, of course. Taxes. She felt ashamed.

Trip protested. “There’s a better hospital right here in the Bay Area.” He stood in the hallway, speaking to her through the barely open door.

She didn’t want to tell him her reasons. Why waste money if she wasn’t going to live anyway? “I’ll do better out in the country with space and fresh air around me.”

“I’m going to call Rev. Mathias. He can perform the wedding right here in the hospital. Jones would come.”

“No!”

“Why not?”

“You know why not. There’s no cure, Trip.”

“I’m praying for you. I’ve got the whole church praying for you. My folks are praying. Their church is praying. Your mother, Bernie, Elizabeth . . .”

“Stop it, Trip!” Every breath hurt. Her heart ached even more. She panted for a moment until she had breath to speak. “What if it’s not God’s will?”

He pushed the door open and came in. “You’re giving up. Don’t you dare give up!”

A nurse appeared almost immediately. “You can’t be in here!”

“I’ll go for now, Hildie, but I won’t go far.” When the nurse took him by the arm, he jerked free. “Give me a minute!” He set the nurse aside and walked over to the bed, grabbing Hildemara by the wrists as she held the bedcovers over her mouth. “I love you, Hildie. Nothing is ever going to change that. In sickness and in health. I swear to you before God and this witness.” He jerked his head back toward the nurse calling down the hall for security. “As long as we both shall live.” He caressed her wrists before he let go of her. Two men appeared in the corridor. He raised his hands. “I’m going.”

“To the showers first,” one informed him.

Hildemara wondered if TB would be as painful a death as cancer, or if she’d die of a broken heart first.

* * *

Hildemara’s first letter at Arroyo came from Mama. Only one line.

I’ll come down as soon as the grape harvest is over. You get better.

Just like Mama to give an order.

Several other nurses had been sent to Arroyo. Everyone got along. Hildie supposed it came from having so much in common with one another. They talked about nursing, families, friends, doctors, cases they had worked. They played games, read books, spent time outside in the sunshine, and slept. To anyone else, it probably would have sounded like a vacation.

The fluid extractions felt like slow torture. She suffered from night sweats and high fevers. After weeks of rest, she still felt weak. Frustration and grief increased her depression as time passed and she felt no improvement.

Trip came to visit. She gave up trying to make him stay away.

Her roommate, Ilea, also a nurse, shared her mother’s delicious homemade fried chicken, potato salad, and chocolate chip cookies with Hildie and anyone else who came to visit. Her fiancé came often. Several patients had husbands; a few had children. One with kids died a week after Hildie came to the hospital. Not all the boyfriends and husbands proved as faithful as Trip. Some never came.

Mama wrote again.

I’ll come down as soon as the almonds have been sold.

Hildie wrote back.

Don’t feel you need to come. It is a long drive, and I’m not much company.

A week later, Mama showed up without warning.

* * *

Hildemara glanced up in surprise and saw Mama standing a few feet away. “Mama?”

She had that look on her face that meant trouble. “You’re my daughter. Did you think I wouldn’t come?”

Hildie coughed into a handkerchief. Mama sat slowly, watching her, expressionless. When the spasm finally stopped, Hildemara leaned back, feeling drained. “Sorry.” She saw the flash of something in Mama’s eyes. “Sorry I said sorry.” She offered a weak smile.

Mama had brought gifts. Cloe sent a beautiful lace-trimmed nightgown and bathrobe stylish and expensive enough for a Hollywood movie star. She had tucked a note in the folds.

This was meant for your wedding night. I don’t think Trip will mind if you wear it now.

Cloe had about as much hope as Hildemara.

Rikka had sent pictures: Cloe at the sewing machine, Mama in the driver’s seat of her Model T, Bernie grafting a tree, Elizabeth in the vegetable garden, Papa standing beneath the blooming almond trees, arms outspread, looking up. She had even drawn one of Hildie sitting in the branches of the chinaberry tree, leaning back against the trunk, wearing a
Mona Lisa
smile. The last was a caricature self-portrait of a girl in an artist’s smock drawing a naked man who looked remarkably like Melvin. Hildie laughed and then coughed again, longer this time.

Mama had crocheted a pink lap blanket. Hildemara smoothed it over her legs. “It’s beautiful. Thank you for coming all this way to see me.”

“You didn’t think I would, did you?”

She shrugged. “I didn’t expect it.”

Mama looked off toward the rolling hills and oak trees. “It’s nice and peaceful here.”

“Yes.”
A good place to die.
Sometimes she prayed God would take her. Trip could move on with his life. She wouldn’t feel like she lived in the bottom of a well. Papa said once that death was opening a door into heaven.

They talked about the ranch. Bernie and Elizabeth still hoped for a baby. Hildemara didn’t want to take that hope away and tell Mama it wasn’t likely to happen.

Mama talked about Papa and how he loved Hildie. They talked about Cloe and the movie stars she had met. Cloe liked to drop names like Errol Flynn, Olivia de Havilland, Bette Davis, Tyrone Power, Alice Faye. She had finally snagged her dream job and made costumes for the movies. She met many stars at pre- and postproduction parties.

Other patients came outside, greeted Hildemara, met Mama, talked awhile, and moved off to rest in the sunshine. “You’ve made some nice friends, Hildemara.”

“We try to hold one another up.”

“And Trip?”

“He comes once a week, when he’s not in class or on duty. He still needs a few hours before he can graduate from Cal. Some of his units didn’t transfer from Colorado. As soon as he finishes school, he’s taking on more hours at the hospital. He can’t afford medical school yet.”

Mama relaxed in her chair, mouth softening. She smoothed the wrinkles from her cotton flower-print dress and folded her hands. “Good. All you have to do now is get well.”

“That’s not up to me.”

Her eyes flared. “Yes. It is.”

Hildemara didn’t try to argue. She knew more about tuberculosis than Mama could ever guess. Why tell her what it did to a person’s lungs? It was enough that Hildie didn’t have hope. Why strip Mama of hers?

Troubled, Mama pushed herself up. “Well, as much as I hate to say it, I’d better get going. It’s a long drive back to Murietta.” Hildemara drew the lap blanket aside and started to stand. “No, Hildemara Rose. You sit right there and enjoy the sunshine.” Stepping back, Mama looped her knitted sweater over her arm and picked up her worn white purse. “Before I go, I’ve got something to say to you.” She leaned down and grasped Hildemara’s chin. “Find the guts to fight, and hang on tight to life!”

Hildemara jerked her chin away and glared at her through tears. “I’m doing my best.”

Mama straightened, her expression disdainful, mocking. “Really? Not from what I can see. You’ve been sitting here for the past two hours feeling sorry for yourself.”

“I never said—”

“You didn’t have to say anything. I can see it written all over your face. You’ve given up!” She shook her head. “I never thought any of my children would turn out to be cowards, but here you are giving in. Just like—” She pressed her lips together. “Why waste my breath?”

Hurt, furious, Hildemara pushed herself out of the chair. “Thanks so much for your compassion, Mama. Now, get out of here.” Heart pounding, she watched her mother walk away. Mama looked back once, a smirk on her face.

Blood coursed through Hildie’s veins for the first time in weeks. She sat again, shaking, fists in her lap. Bundling up the pink lap robe, she threw it in the dirt.

The doctor checked her that afternoon. “You have some color back, Miss Waltert. I think you’re turning a corner.”

* * *

Dear Rosie,

I went to Arroyo del Valle to see Hildemara Rose. She had Mama’s pallor and the deep shadows under her eyes. I could see no life in them when I first arrived. It terrified me. She didn’t seem to care whether she lives or dies.

I wanted to shake her. Instead, I called her a coward. Though it broke my heart, I mocked and belittled her. Thank God she got good and mad. Her eyes spit fire at me and I wanted to laugh with joy. Better she hate me for a while than give up on life and be put in an early grave. She was trying to get up when I walked away. She barely had strength enough for that, but at least there was color in her cheeks. I hope that fire burns brighter each day.

* * *

Though her condition improved, Hildemara had to fight the constant tug of depression at how many months passed. Several patients died. Hildemara focused on the number who improved or celebrated remission. Trip wrote daily, but letters were a poor substitute for kisses or an embrace.

As soon as you’re out of that prison, we’re getting married.

She started having dreams that made her awaken in a sweat, but not the kind brought on by TB. She didn’t argue with him anymore.

At night, while others slept, she knelt on the end of her bed and looked out the window at the moon and stars and talked to God. Or Papa. She spent hours reading the small, black leather-bound Bible Papa had given her when she started nursing school, writing down Scriptures that promised her a future and hope. When the binding began to give way, she asked for adhesive tape.

It took a while, but she got over being angry with Mama. Mama was just Mama. She had to give up hoping she’d have a relationship with her like Cloe or Rikka. Both her sisters had always had the lion’s share of love. But then, they were lionesses like Mama. Nothing would stop them from going after what they wanted.

Hildie wondered if Mama would ever give her credit for making it on her own.

Jones came to see her. “The secret of longevity, my girl, is getting a chronic illness early in life. I survived the Spanish flu. It made me aware of how fragile our lives are. When you get out of here—and you will—you’re going to take better care of yourself. When you get out of here, you come on back to Merritt. I want you back on my ward.”

Boots wrote often. She had met someone—a patient, this time.

I gave him a back rub one night. One thing led to another. Let’s just say if we’d been caught, I would have lost my job. He says he loves me, Flo. He says he wants to get married. Just thinking about saying “until death” makes me break out in a sweat.

A few weeks later, she wrote again and said she had broken up with him.

I’ve probably made the biggest mistake of my life, but it’s too late now. Some people just aren’t ready to settle down. I think I’m one of them.

Boots took a job in Honolulu.

Surf and sand and plenty of tanned bodies. Oh, my. I think I’m in heaven.

A few weeks later, another letter arrived.

What was I thinking when I took this job? I’ve seen the entire island twice over. A pity I’m not an Army nurse. There are plenty of cute soldiers around. But I can’t stand it. I feel like I’m living on the head of a pin in the middle of the Pacific. Hey. Why would I feel that way? I am! I’m sending résumés to the mainland. Who would’ve guessed I’d become claustrophobic in paradise?

* * *

Six months had passed by the time Hildemara received permission to leave. She packed her bags.

“December 1, 1941, is a day of celebration from here forward.” Trip carried her suitcase out to the car. He settled her comfortably in the front seat. When he started to tuck the lap robe around her, she protested. “I’m well. Remember?” He grinned and gave her a firm kiss, the first in eight months.

When he slipped behind the driver’s seat, he leaned over and put his arm around her. “Let’s try that again.” He took her hand and placed it, palm flat, against his chest. She could feel his heart hammering as fast as her own. Eyes black, he caressed her face. “We’d better start making wedding plans now. No more excuses.”

“I can’t think of a single one.”

Six days later, the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor.

37

Hildemara married Trip on December 21, 1941. Bernie and Elizabeth came up with Mama. Melvin drove Rikka. They left shortly after the ceremony to take the ferry to San Francisco. Cloe sent her regrets. She had a job with a production company working on another swashbuckler. Tyrone Power, this time. “We’re sewing night and day to get the costumes ready for the shoot. . . .” Bad weather and lack of money kept Trip’s parents in Colorado.

Many of Hildie and Trip’s local church friends attended and gave gifts. The deaconesses put on a wedding reception in the social hall. Everyone talked about the war, and some of the men in the congregation had already signed up for military service. Mama gave the newlyweds a crocheted tablecloth with fifty dollars tucked into the folds. They used it to buy train tickets to Denver.

Trip’s mother and father made Hildemara feel more like a long-lost daughter than an in-law. When asked what she wanted to call them, she rejected Otis and Marg and opted for what Trip called them—Dad and Mom.

“Look out!” Trip laughed. “Dad’s looking for ways to entertain you.”

When he hooked a sleigh to the back of his car, Hildie climbed aboard and sailed down East Moreno to Prospect Lake. In a few short weeks, she learned the rudiments of ice-skating and cross-country skiing.

They had little time alone in the small one-bedroom house. Trip’s bedroom was much like Hildie’s had been, a converted back porch. At least he had snow shutters instead of screen windows. They had no trouble keeping warm.

“We’re going to have to go back to California soon, so you can start medical school.”

Hildie combed her fingers through Trip’s thick brown hair. His parents had gone off to visit friends, leaving them alone for the day. They had spent all morning in bed, not having to worry about making a sound.

Trip took her hand and kissed it. “I joined up, Hildie.”

Her heart froze. “What did you say?”

“I went to the recruiter’s office on Monday and signed the papers.”

She yanked her hand free and sat up. “Oh, Trip. Tell me you didn’t! We’ve only been married three weeks!” Everything had worked together to keep them apart for so long: Papa’s illness, then hers, and now he signed up to go off and fight a war? How could he?

“It’s cold.” Trip pulled her down again, swinging his leg across hers to hold her there. “Every able-bodied man is joining up. How can I not do my part?”

“So you join up without even saying a word about it? I’m your wife!”

“Hildie . . .”

“Let me up!”

He did. She pulled her robe on and went into the house, standing near the potbelly stove. She’d have to crawl inside to thaw the chill inside her. Trip came in, closing the door behind him. He stood behind her, running his hands up and down her arms. “I should have told you. I’m sorry I didn’t. I was afraid I’d let you talk me out of it.”

She shook his hands off and faced him, tears streaming down her cheeks. “Is this the way our marriage is going to be? You make life-changing decisions and tell me later?” Something else struck her. “Your parents knew, didn’t they? That’s why they left us alone today.” She closed her eyes. “That’s why Mom went to bed early last night and Dad looked so grim.”

“Our country needs soldiers. The recruiter thinks I’ll end up a medic with my premed background and the time I spent working in a hospital. I can be of service.”

He clutched her face, his own agonized. “I can’t stay here safe and happy, making love to you every chance I get, while others risk their lives for our freedom. This is a fight for America’s survival, Hildie, not a little skirmish in a foreign country somewhere we’ve never heard of.”

She felt her body shaking in reaction. She had read the newspapers, too. If the Japanese invaded California and Germany overran Europe, the whole world would be at war. “You’re right. I’ll enlist, too. Jones said a year ago the Army would need nurses.”

He let go of her, his face flaming. “Over my dead body! You’re not enlisting in the Army!”

She laughed in disbelief. “It’s all right for you, but not for me. I have more training than you do, Trip. Don’t expect me to sit home and wait when my husband could be among the wounded!”

“I want you safe from harm!”

“And I wanted the same for you, but you did as you pleased. And now I agree. Our country needs us.”

“No . . .” He put his head in his hands and turned away.

Hildie put her hand on his back. “If it means our freedom, shouldn’t we all be part of it?”

He turned to her, face pale. “Don’t do anything yet. Promise me. We’ll pray about it.”

“Did you?”

“Yes!”
He cupped her face. “I’ve been praying since December 7 about what to do.”

“And never included me.”

Trip winced. “I won’t do it again. Listen to me, please. One of us joining right now is enough. Give it a little time and we’ll pray and see what God wants for you.”

Everything moved faster than either expected.

Trip received his orders, and Hildie followed him to Camp Barkeley, Texas, and then to Fort Riley, Kansas, and then on to Fort Lewis, Washington. She lived in boardinghouses while he lived in the barracks. When he had a day’s leave, they stayed in her room, hungry for one another. Tens of thousands of Navy men and Marines headed for the South Pacific to fight the Japanese while the Army geared up to invade Europe. Trip received orders for Officer Candidate School.

“You can’t come this time, Hildie. I won’t be able to see you, and I don’t want you living among strangers. I want you to go home.”

Which home? Where? She didn’t know whether to go back to work at Merritt, where she would be surrounded by friends, or to Colorado Springs and live with Mom and Dad, or home to Murietta and Mama, if Mama would allow. No place would feel like home without Trip. She would stay in Tacoma until she could figure out what to do.

Trip dressed in his uniform while she sat on the end of the bed in the dressing gown Cloe had made. He leaned down and kissed her. “Maybe God will answer my prayers by then.” He brushed his fingers against her cheek and went out the door.

She didn’t have to ask what he meant, though he had never spoken his prayer aloud. He wanted her pregnant. He didn’t just want a child; he wanted her ineligible to join the military.

She flung a hand over her eyes and prayed God’s protection on her husband. If the slight morning nausea the last few days was any indication, God might have already answered Trip’s prayer. They might have something to celebrate rather than spending every moment worrying about what the future could hold. The future could hold a child! Then again, she might just be feeling sick at the thought of what could happen to Trip.

Hildemara waited another month before making an appointment. The doctor confirmed she was pregnant. Proud to be carrying Trip’s child, she sat with her hand resting on her abdomen during the long bus ride back to the apartment.

She would go home to Murietta. She didn’t want to add to Trip’s worries, and her husband wouldn’t want her living alone with a baby on the way.
God has settled it, Trip. You’re going to be a daddy. I’m going home to Mama. . . .
Mama’s first grandchild! Perhaps Mama would even be happy enough to crow about it.

Rikka had gone home to see Melvin before he headed off to Marine Corps boot camp and then gone back to San Francisco. She had quit full-time classes at the California School of Fine Arts, preferring to pick and choose what she studied. She had found a job as a waitress in a fancy restaurant and loved everything about living in San Francisco. She claimed she loved Melvin, but she had no intention of becoming a farmer’s wife in Murietta. It remained to be seen whether romance or a lust for life would win out. With Rikka’s eyes fixed on city life, Hildemara assumed there would be plenty of room for her and a new baby.

Only a fool assumes.