Here Are the Young Men (14 page)

He stood there, intensely aware of everything: of the carousing city behind him; of the rushing water below; of the starless night sky
and,
beyond it, the
real
darkness, the true night that lasted forever and knew nothing of Rez.

Rez lifted his right leg forward, over the water. He let the weight of it pull him out, slowly but inexorably until, silent and unseen, he fell forward and plunged into the dark river.

23
|
Kearney

– Joseph Kearney

To: Matthew Connelly

Email received at 6:23

05/07/2003

alrite connelly! u nob jockey

watz up horse

jesus krist i just dont no were to start. im havin de best time of me life over hear and i just wanted to rub yr face in it hahaha. tell de others 2. anyfiwho stays in dublin must be a rent-boy r some kind of demon queer. dats all im sayin. u benders havent got a clue

evry single day and night ive been off me fucking face. im off me fuckin facr right now in fact!! me and dwayne an his mate egon hav just hoovered up a gram of coke in 15 minnets excpet now ders some debate as to weather it was actually coke at all. apparently not. maybe amphetamine or benzadrine r some other brain fucking powder … who knows. de question is purely akademic im fucked off me face and dats all dat truly matters lol;/winkwinkwank

when
i got to de airport last week dwayne was der waitin for me. he was wearin dis poncey hat like pork pie hat or wotever. and he lifts it up and ders dis ROW of joints on the in side and dat waas only de start of the fun haha. straight to NYC for days of may hem and den back to d apartment in boston were hesstaying with 12 other mad irish cunts … all dat weekend we didnt sleep der was dis dj in the gaff playin hard house and ders no fuckin furniture just bare floorboards hahaa. smokin CRISTAL METH n everything. and boston is HOT!!! i mean HOT!!! as in: scald yer bollox off

last nite we went to a gig. techno is de best but ill go to hardcore rock gigs with dwayne de metaller. as long as its hard and RELENTless and i can get totally monged who really gives a fuck!! de band was called DRUG ORGY and neither of us had heard of dem but it was obvious dey were goin to be gud with a neme like dat or so we taught!!! so we drop a cuple of yokes and drink a bottle of sambucha wiht de lads up on the rooftop n den we head in on de trolly (dats de tramline nigga) and get into de gig fucking REVVIN for it. as soon as we get past de bouncers dwayne goes to me “stick me finger in yr mouth!!” and i goes “wot yr off yer head u insestuous kweerboy!!” but he goes “shut de fuck up and suck me fuckin finger nigga” so i do and d taste is pure mank like dis metal taste pure chemcial taste and i goes what de fuck is dat!!! and he goes “MDMA!!!!” its a fuckin WUNDERDRUG!!! yeah boyeee

den the band cums on and weere fuckin totally off our heads just like screamin at de hevens and dwayne has dis drool comin out of him his eyes are rolled back in his head totally mad out of it fuckin zombie holocaust. n den de band comes on and weer ready for total metal holocaust but suddenly we see its dis nerdy bunch of little cunts with trousers n glasses n der was even figirl in de band. a girl with pony tail and glasses!! n me n dwanye look at each other in like pure horrer goin Is dis DRUGg ORgy r u fuckin seerious? and dey start playin dis warbly fag music with banjos and flutes and all dis shite and d song i swear to fuck i looked it up online afterwords cos i was so distorubed. de song was called HOMEMADE PESTO AND CHILEAN WINE WON'T SAVE US FROM THE ABYSS!!! it was about trees and organic bred n such bollix. adn den anoter song was called OH CLIVE, THERE IS MORE TO LIFE THAN POE AND FAULKNER. total faggits!!!

me
and dwayne wer redy to get de fuck out uf their. but wile dwayne is at the bar gettin one mroe shot each for the road dis hot little indie bird beside me starts lookin at me. lovely tits on her like ye just want to stick yer face in and go nuts and fuckin bite dem off hahaha. and i start gettin big rushes of blood to me mickey cos im fucked off me head and i smile at her tinkin id luv 2 put d willy inside hur but suddenly its not just her its her friends too. male friends all of dem starin at me and no one is smilin like. and i think wat de fuck is rong now? and i start wonderin if dey are anti irish or somethin. and dis big lanky cunt shakes his hed adn goes “dis ain't cool man” and sticks his finger in me chest and goes “de fuck is dis huh?” and i goes nothin cos i dont know wat de fuck its all about and now the little indy bitch goes “do u tink its like cool or sometin. is it all a joke to u. or do u really think its cool to like masscacre 3000 people” and i goes “i didnt massacre anyone!!!” and im totlally lost thinkin “Do dey think im an A-rab or sometin??!”

an den de penny drops n i look down at me t shirt n i remember dat its de one, u know d black one i had made back in dublin with JIHAD!!! printed across de frunt. id fuckin forgotten i was fuckin wearin it an be now everyones shoutin at me n slappin me hed and im panickin goin wheres dwayne but hes over by de bar laffin his hed off n the bouncer comes flyin over n goes “de fuck outta here!!!” he goes “n dont come back or i break yr neck asshole!!” he goes

so dat was dat dey fucked me out and i put on my hoodie wit like quiet dignity den dwayne comes out and we went off into de nite to get fucked off our merry little heds. fuckin deadly

i taught id tell u that little story for a laff hhahaha fuck dem infidels. bush. fuck dat de only bush i care about is yer fuckin mas bush!!! hoho!!! did u get me postcards oh niggz. i hope so n gess wat. dis fella Stu is comin up next week from LA or sumwer n dwayne goes “now weell get sum real drugs” n apparantly he has sumething else but he wont say wat it is … not drugs but sumeting real interestin. dwayne says stu is a total mental cunt so lets wate n see.

been on dis fuckin computer 4 ages. its only cos i love ye n i want to ride de hole off ye ye fuckin ride ye

B
COOL BiTCH

ALLAH FORGIVE U!

THE K

SHAME ON DA NIGGA!!!!! I FUCK YO ASS UP!!!!

PS wats dis?? , .

anser: a 1-eyed chink blowin u a kiss hahaha

perhaps u put yr DICK tru his eye???

haha lightin up im only jokin

off me fuckin chops i am

jesis kirrst

24
|
Matthew

I deleted Kearney's email and didn't bother replying. Then I turned off the computer and took a bus into town to meet Jen for her birthday.

It was the fifth of July, a Saturday, and another warm, beautiful evening. We walked around randomly, chatting and happy. I'd bought her a book about some girl who had travelled around Asia looking for magic beads or enlightenment.

When we were in George's Street Arcade looking at old vinyl records, my phone beeped with a text. It was from Rez.

‘
jesus matthew i did something v stupid last night it could have been disastrous. im all fcked up i think i need help dont say it to anyone … jesus
.'

‘What the fuck?' I said, staring at the screen.

Jen frowned. ‘What's wrong?' I showed it to her. ‘Oh my God. What's he done? Is he okay? Call him, Matthew.'

I called but it rang out. I tried again with the same result. ‘He's not answerin.'

‘
This is really bad,' she said. My phone beeped again.

‘
haha just kidding, nothing wrong. was only having a laugh. will call u later about tonight R
.'

I locked the phone and put it in my pocket. ‘He says he was only kidding. What a sap: he had me thinking he had gone and tried to do a Stephen Horrigan or something.'

Jen said nothing, eyes narrowed, reflecting. ‘I'm worried, Matthew. There's something wrong. We should do something.'

But there was nothing to do. Rez would be seeing us that night anyway, we reasoned, so we could put it out of our minds and enjoy ourselves. We went for pizza in a fancy place behind George's Street. The waiter put a candle on our table.

‘I'm excited,' said Jen, wiping her lip with a napkin. ‘I can feel it, it's going to be a great night.'

I smiled and leaned across the table to kiss her. All of this – having a girlfriend, eating pizza in town, planning to meet your friends later for a night out – it all seemed right – kind of normal, but not in a bad way.

‘Happy birthday,' I said.

I paid for the pizza. That meant I was fairly broke, but Jen's da had given her a wad of notes ‘to have fun with'. After we'd eaten we walked through the grounds of Trinity for a while, watching the people out and about on a fine sunny evening, drinking coffee or orange juice, everyone relaxed and cheery. Then we went to an arcade near the Screen cinema and had a two-player game of
Time Crisis II
.

‘You look deadly holding that gun,' said Jen after we'd completed the second level.

‘So do you.'

She laughed and pointed the gun at my head and fired.

At half seven we walked to the Foggy Dew to meet Rez and Cocker. To our surprise, Rez was in a good mood from the moment we met him. ‘Ah I'm sorry about that stuff earlier, I was only havin a laugh, it probably seemed a bit weird,' he said. I watched to see if he
was
faking it but he seemed cheerful, up for a wild night.

‘All set for the Noosehound tonight?' said Cocker as we squeezed through the bustle and sat down around a table with cocktails that Jen had paid for, even though it was her birthday.

‘Yes I am,' I said. The plan was to get a bit of a buzz on us here before moving on to the Noosehound, our favourite indie and punk night, just around the corner in Temple Bar.

‘Let's make this one to remember, lads,' said Cocker, feeding on the collective eagerness. ‘In the sense that we won't remember it at all. To be totally honest with yis, I had a brief moment this mornin when I thought I might not be able to make it. Fuckin destroyed I was from last night. Seriously, I don't think most people recognize the effort ye have to put into this drinkin business. These hangovers. That's real blood, sweat and tears, lads. You'd never do it if ye didn't feel ye were part of something important.'

Jen smiled and shook her head. ‘Gary Cocker, you seem hell-bent on poisoning your body and mind. All of you do. Imagine the remorse you're all goin to feel when you're old and your insides have stopped workin, because of all the toxins you've poured into them down the years.'

‘Hah!' said Cocker with a cheery grin. ‘The future me. Ol' Dirty Bastard himself. Me only aim is to fuck him up as badly as I can, while I can.'

‘The idea is to plant time bombs against our future selves,' I said, explaining to Jen the half-arsed philosophy that Rez, Cocker and I had cooked up over a night of vicious drinking, back before the Leaving Cert. ‘Ye have to sabotage yer own future. That way, when yer future does come and yer nerve fails ye and ye want to sell out, it won't matter because certain, like, avenues won't be open to ye any more.'

‘The avenues of cowardice,' added Rez, who had first come up with most of this stuff – me and Cocker went along mainly because it sounded cool. He continued, ‘There's no use pretendin that when it comes to it, yer really goin to have the courage of your convictions, and
ye'll
be faithful to the facts ye saw so fuckin clearly when ye were eighteen. That's the same mistake that everyone makes. They get older and no matter how idealistic and how, like, clear-sighted they were when they were younger, they start to
collaborate
. And they tell themselves that it had to be that way, that passion and intensity are bound to give way to a more, like, mature version of the world. But it's still the same evil, degraded, capitalist world. Only they've smelled the honey and become collaborators. So fuck it, poison yer mind and body now, and decimate the future enemy. Annihilate the collaborator.'

Jen raised an eyebrow and smiled, unsure if we were deadly serious or only having a laugh.

‘So have ye heard any more from Julie?' Jen asked Rez a few minutes later. ‘Sally MacLennane' came on the speakers and me and Cocker cheered.

Rez looked at her for a moment, as if weighing up whether to say something. Then he told us the story about the diving instructor, the island, how he'd read Julie's email.

‘Oh, Rez,' said Jen when he was finished, instinctively reaching forward to put a hand to his face. I liked the way she did that. ‘That's really awful. I can't believe Julie would be so hurtful.'

‘She didn't know I'd read it,' muttered Rez, looking a bit sheepish now that he'd told us of Julie's betrayal.

‘Fuck that,' I said. ‘Don't mind her Rez, she'll come beggin to be with you again when she gets back.'

‘Marleygate,' said Cocker.

‘Sex, Dives and Videotapes,' I added.

‘Expert muff diver,' said Cocker, then regretted it and looked down at the table. But Rez didn't seem to have heard.

Jen shook her head sympathetically.

‘Fuckin Julie,' Rez muttered. The topic was clearly threatening to darken his evening. ‘Anyway, let's get wrecked. Surely that's the mature and intelligent way to resolve all the complex problems that, like, vex me.' He raised his glass.

‘
To Marley and his aqualung of love,' said Cocker. ‘May he get the bends because he's actually a bender.' We clinked our glasses and drained the cocktails. ‘Rez, this'll cheer ye up. What do a woman and a KFC meal have in common?'

‘Tell me.'

‘If ye take away the legs and the breasts, there's nothin left but a greasy box to throw yer bone into.'

Rez smiled and shook his head.

Jen sighed.

Just after ten we went to the Noosehound. As usual, the bouncers pretended to be convinced by our crap-looking fake IDs, and in we went. Usually when we came here we smuggled in our own vodka or cans of Dutch Gold, but tonight Jen insisted we let her take care of the drinks. ‘Relax, don't forget it's all on daddy's bill,' she said when we made a faint, insincere protest. ‘I know he'd want us to have a good time.'