Here Burns My Candle (47 page)

When she offered her services in the kitchen, she was turned away by Mrs. Edgar, who gently reminded her of her place.

“D’ye see, Leddy Kerr?” The housekeeper held out her hands, red and chapped from years of labor. “Now hold oot yer hands.” Reluctantly Elisabeth complied, embarrassed by the comparison. “Dinna say ye’re sorry,” Mrs. Edgar told her, “for this is the work the Lord has given me.”

Elisabeth could do naught but praise the woman for her faithful efforts, though she was still left with empty hands and empty hours, waiting for the MacPhersons to appear. “A day or two,” Rob had said. When Saturday drew to a close without a word, the Kerrs were left anxious and weary, too tired to stay awake and too nervous to sleep.

“If you’ll not mind, I’ll stay up and read a bit,” Elisabeth told her mother-in-law.

“Suit yourself, my dear. Mrs. Edgar will see that you’re warm enough.”

Curled up on the sofa in the drawing room with her plaid wrapped round her and fresh coals added to the grate, Elisabeth felt like a tall child being tucked into bed. “Ye’ve only to call oot, Leddy Kerr, and I’ll hear ye weel enough from the kitchen.”

Bidding her good night, Elisabeth held
The Seasons
in one hand and propped her head in the other as she began to read about Summer, the child of the sun. Engaged at first, she found by the fourth page that her attention was waning and the pull of sleep was harder to resist. When
the book slipped from her hand, she stirred just slightly, then drifted back to sleep, the heat from the coals warming her face.

This time Elisabeth was the first to hear someone knocking at their door.

Three sharp raps, then two.

She almost threw her plaid across the hot coals, so quickly did she rise.
They’re here!
She hastened to the door, not caring that her hair was mussed and her dress wrinkled. Rob would not mind. Nor would his dear father.

Her hands shook as she undid the bolt, then yanked the door open, holding her breath until she saw him, until she was sure. “Angus!”

Father and son stood on the landing, Angus slumped against Rob’s shoulder, both of them bleary eyed and soaked from the rain.

“Please, come inside.” Elisabeth pulled them into the house, surprised at how slowly Angus was moving. He looked older, the lines in his face carved with the sharp blade of hunger. When a startled Mrs. Edgar popped her head round the kitchen door, Elisabeth ordered claret and meat for the men, then led them to the nearest comfortable chairs, sending Gibson off to hang up their wet coats and fetch more coal.

Only when the MacPhersons were seated did Elisabeth notice how unkempt Angus was: his shirt filthy, his kilted plaid matted with blood, as if he’d not paused once on his long journey home. “Surely you’ve not come straight from the field at Falkirk?”

Angus hung his head. “I had to, Bess.”

She pulled her chair closer, her heart thudding in her chest. “Angus, what has happened?”

He looked up, his red-rimmed eyes filled with tears. “I have verra bad news.”

Elisabeth stared at him.
He cannot mean. He cannot…

“Nae…” The word came out on a sob. “Please…”

Rob reached for her hand, but she leaped up, desperate to escape the truth she saw in their eyes. “Not… my husband…”

Angus stood. “I am sorry, Leddy Kerr.”

“Nae!” she cried and sank to the floor.

Sixty-Four

O weep, O weep, ye Scottish dames!
Weep till ye blind a mither’s e’e!

ALLAN CUNNINGHAM

M
arjory sat up in bed, her heart in her throat. An anguished cry echoed through the house.
Elisabeth?
Aye, and male voices too.

Marjory tossed aside the bedcovers, trying not to imagine the worst. She heard her daughter-in-law weeping, the mournful sound bringing tears to her own eyes.
Why, Elisabeth? Why are you crying?

Yanking a robe over her shoulders, Marjory ran barefoot across the carpet, praying, praying. When she flung open the drawing room door, she found her daughter-in-law collapsed on the floor.

“Lady Elisabeth!” Marjory knelt beside her at once, barely noticing Rob MacPherson and his father, who stood back to make room for her. “My dear girl, what is it?”

Elisabeth looked up. Her face, contorted with pain, was almost unrecognizable. “Lord Kerr…”

A jolt went through Marjory.
Nae
. She pressed her hands tightly to her mouth.
Not Donald. Not my son
.

Rob crouched down next to her. “My faither and I are verra sorry—”

“Nae!” Marjory turned away from him, feeling faint. “’Tis not possible…”

Rob caught her at once. “Let me help ye, mem.” He stood, lifting her up with him.

A moment later Marjory was on the upholstered sofa, not certain how she got there. “Elisabeth,” she moaned, stretching out her hand. Rob brought her daughter-in-law to her side. They sat leaning against each other, hands tightly clasped, while Mrs. Edgar spread the abandoned plaid across their legs, quietly weeping as she tucked the wool in place.

“Mrs. Edgar,” Rob asked, “will ye bring Mrs. Kerr to us as weel?”

A moment later Janet entered the room, wrapped in a gray shawl, a wary expression on her face. Gibson stood nearby, his eyes dry but his face ashen.

“Tell us,” Marjory pleaded. “Tell us… what happened.” She did not want to know, but she had to know.
Oh, my Donald. Oh, my son
.

The men were seated before her, elbows on knees, expressions grim. Angus spoke first, his voice ragged. “I dinna ken whaur to begin…”

“Describe the scene,” Rob urged him, “just as ye did for me.”

Angus stared into the fire as he spoke. “’Twas late in the afternoon beneath a murky sky. The prince’s army held the high ground on Falkirk Muir. Whan our enemy charged o’er the crest,
heiven
unleashed a tempest, with driving rain and a cauld wind. We dragged the Englishmen aff their mounts by their coattails, then stabbed them with oor dirks.”

Marjory felt Elisabeth shudder.

Rob saw it as well. “Mind the leddies,” he told his father.

“Aye, aye.” Angus sighed, shaking his head. “’Twas anither Gladsmuir. The fury o’ the Hieland clans was mair than the English could bear, on horse or on foot. Their gunpowder was wet, their licht was gone, and their courage was flagging. But one wing o’ the English army, led by Hawley’s aide-de-camp, held their ground and kept firing.”

Angus paused and looked up, fixing his gaze on Elisabeth. “Lord Kerr and his brother rode into the fray, swords drawn. They fought like Hielanders. Ye woulda been sae proud.” His voice faltered as tears filled his eyes. “But then young Andrew lost his seat…”

Janet gasped. “My husband?”

“Aye. Whan he started to fall, Lord Donald reached for him. A dragoon with a bayonet…” Angus hung his head. “Och, the Englishman was sae close he stabbed them both.”

Marjory’s mouth went slack.
Not Andrew too. Not both my sons
.

“Angus…” Elisabeth’s voice was barely above a whisper. “You do not mean Lord Donald and his brother were
both
killed?”

He looked at Janet before he spoke. “I’m afraid I do, leddies. We lost but forty o’ the prince’s men at Falkirk. Two o’ the best were yers.”

Janet gave a strangled cry, then crumpled in her chair.

Marjory stared at Angus blankly. “I cannot… You must be…mistaken…”

The sorrow in his face was answer enough. “We took them to the parish kirk, thinking to tend their wounds. But they were gone, mem. We buried them in the kirkyard, along with Robert Munro, Colonel Whitney, and two Stewarts of Appin.”

The Highland names meant nothing to Marjory. Only two names mattered.
Donald. Andrew
.

Numb, she watched Angus draw a small bundle from inside his shirt. He unfolded the soiled cloth, then held up two pairs of gloves.

“I thocht these might be a comfort to ye.” He laid the lambskin gloves in her lap. “Yer sons will have nae need o’ them in heiven.”

Marjory stared at the gloves for a moment, then bent forward, trying to contain her anguish. No words came, only a deep groaning.
My sons. My sons
. Pain cut through to the marrow of her bones.

Her prayers had not saved them. Her gold had not spared them.

The Englishman stabbed them both
.

Marjory covered her head with her arms, rocking back and forth, her heart so ravaged she could not reason, nor could she speak. Tears streamed from her eyes.
Take me too. Take me too
.

Voices ebbed and flowed round her. None of the words made sense. Any notion of time or place was gone. Only her grief was real and inescapable.

“Help me,” she moaned. But no one could. No one could help her. She alone was to blame. She should never have let them go.

With her eyes squeezed shut, she pictured her sons as she had last seen them in the forecourt of the palace. Shoulders squared, heads held high. Smiling down at her.

God be with you, Mother
.

“Nae,” she whimpered.
He is not with me, Donald. He is not
.

Many minutes passed before Marjory noticed Elisabeth’s hand resting on her back, a gentle, soothing touch. Then she opened her eyes and saw Mrs. Edgar laying a damp cloth across Janet’s brow, murmuring condolences.

I should be comforting them
. That was the thought that broke through her pain.

Marjory made herself sit up, ignoring her throbbing head and her churning stomach. She shifted in her seat to face Elisabeth, shocked at what she found.

Elisabeth’s skin was as pale as milk, and her cheeks were wet with tears. But her vacant eyes were what truly frightened Marjory, as if her daughter-in-law had faced death and could not look away.

“This is my fault,” Elisabeth whispered.

“Nae…” Marjory’s voice broke. “’Tis mine.”

Sixty-Five

The day breaks not, it is my heart.

JOHN DONNE

E
lisabeth slowly lifted the window sash. Sometime after midnight the rain had moved out to sea, leaving the morning sky clear and cold.

“My sweet Donald,” she whispered, her breath visible in the frosty air. She listened in vain for his tender response.
My bonny Bess
.

A fresh spate of tears spilled down her cheeks. How could he be lost to her forever? The only husband she’d ever known, the only man she’d ever loved? Such a thing was not possible. He was too young to die. Too handsome, too brave, just as Simon was.

Elisabeth pressed her forehead against the glass, unsteady on her feet, utterly exhausted. She’d slept alone for some months, but never had her bed felt so empty as it had last night. Instead of sleeping, she’d soaked her pillow by the hour, hoping her sorrow and guilt might ease. They had not.

Simon had chosen to fight for the prince. But Donald had fought for her. Had he not said as much?
I thought ’twould please you
. Because she was a Highlander. Because she was a Jacobite. Because she’d praised her bonny prince.

Forgive me, Donald. Please, please, forgive me
.

Too late for apologies now.

Chilled by the morning air, she closed the sash and moved toward the washstand, reaching for a towel to dry her tears. Her cheeks felt chapped and raw, and the skin round her eyes, bruised and swollen. She splashed her face with care, then bathed and dressed. Barely glancing in the looking glass, she gathered her hair in a simple knot. Strange to go through her daily routine as if life were unchanged and this Sabbath day were like any other.

Carrying her lone candle into the drawing room, she avoided the
chair where she’d heard the news and the place on the floor where she’d collapsed in despair. Those first terrible minutes would be etched in her mind forever. Poor Angus had left their house barely able to stand.

Elisabeth found her seat at the vacant table laden with a cold Sabbath breakfast. Only the tea was hot.

Mrs. Edgar quietly entered the room, coming to fill Elisabeth’s cup. “Ye’ve not slept,” the housekeeper said gently.

Elisabeth shook her head, wondering if she might find the energy to speak again. Or eat. Or walk about the room. She wanted only to shutter the windows and hide beneath her bedcovers and weep until she could weep no more.

“The ithers havena slept either,” Mrs. Edgar told her. “And wha can blame ye? I’m sorry as can be, milady. Sorry as can be.”

Elisabeth nodded, staring at her tea, waiting for the strength to pick up the cup.

When Janet and Marjory joined her at table, they, too, looked unkempt and ill rested. They nodded at one another, then broke their fast in silence. The food tasted like sand, but Elisabeth made herself eat a bite of everything. She would need her strength. They all would.

When her mother-in-law wasn’t looking, Elisabeth studied Marjory’s downcast expression. They had comforted each other well into the night. Would they do so again this day?

You, Lady Kerr, have corrupted both my sons
.

So Marjory had said on the day Donald and Andrew enlisted. Elisabeth had never forgotten the dowager’s sharp gaze and sharper words. Marjory had made no such charge last evening. Had, in fact, been more tender-hearted than Elisabeth had ever seen her. But she feared the day when Marjory’s grief gave way to anger and the slender tie between them was severed for good.

Elisabeth bowed her head and prayed in silence. Not to the Nameless One but to the One whose name was Holy.
Give me hope. Please, give me hope
.

Her bannock untouched, her tea cold, Marjory finally broke the silence. “We’ll not be expected at the Tron Kirk this morn.”

Elisabeth looked up.
Not expected? Or not welcome?
When her mother-in-law did not elaborate, Elisabeth made a tentative suggestion. “Perhaps we could read from the Scriptures after breakfast?”