Here With Me (6 page)

“What do you mean?”

“He’s been in love with me since we met, but he never said anything because of Evan. I found out a year after Evan… I heard Nate and Carter arguing. The conversation wasn’t meant for my ears and for weeks I didn’t speak to Nate, but I couldn’t continue not seeing him. I needed him.”

“And who’s Carter?”

“He’s Nate’s best friend and Lois’ husband.”

The therapist nods and scribbles on her pad. It makes me wonder what she’s writing or thinking. Her questions are one-liners and she’s yet to offer me any guidance.

“What was Nate like in high school?”

“Smart, funny and athletic. He always had girls chasing after him because he was going ‘somewhere’. He was definitely the type that you bring home to your mom. I didn’t like most of the girls he went out with and used to make their little sister torment his dates. I know it was childish, but no one ever seemed good enough for him.

“The twins – that’s what I called them when they were together – both played football. Evan was the running back and Nate was the quarterback, which explains how I ended up with a black eye from Evan throwing the ball. Their coach called them a deadly combination because they each knew what the other was thinking. In the winter they moved on to basketball and in the spring, baseball. They were three-sport varsity athletes and I didn’t miss a single game that year. For the away games I would ride with their mom, and we’d stand there and cheer our hearts out for our boys.

“Anyway, Nate was every good girl’s dream. He was voted most likely to succeed in high school.”

“And did he?” she asks.

“He did, until Evan… They both joined the Navy after high school and quickly went up the ranks. It’s hard to become a SEAL, but both of them did it. Everyone was proud of what they were accomplishing. It was hard not to be. Evan and Nate set a goal and they both achieved it. After Evan, Nate took his bereavement leave to stay with me, but he too was struggling with Evan’s death. We talked about the how’s and why’s. Most of the time we just sat and stared at his picture. Evan’s death was hard for Nate to take and he kept watching for the conflict to appear on television. He was glued to the news day in and day out. I finally told him to go back to base, to be there and listen. Maybe someone would say something about Evan’s unit.”

“How did you feel about Nate returning to active duty?”

I shrug. “I grew up on different bases, so I get it. My mom’s military, but not in combat. My grandfather was though, so I’ve heard the stories. There’s pride in their voices when they talk. I know it’s in your blood and these men and women – the ones that yearn to defend their country – they do it proudly.”

“You had grown close to Nate after Evan died in combat. How did you feel about Nate leaving again?”

“Scared and helpless, but he had to do it. I couldn’t sit by and watch him miss that piece of him. He’d already lost his father and brother, but didn’t need to lose his family too.” I take one last look at Evan before heading back to the couch. “His mother, she’s not speaking to me and his sister hates me.”

“Why’s that?”

I smirk and shake my head. “She’s lost her husband and son, and I was giving her remaining son an open invitation to return to combat. She told me that if I loved him and Evan the way I say I do, I’d be more determined to keep him home. She didn’t like that I told her being in combat made him happy, complete. And his sister… she lost her dad, lost her brother and thinks that I’m evil incarnate because Nate and I are engaged. It’s messy. Our family life is complicated. Standing in the middle of all of this is EJ, and he doesn’t have a clue.”

“And who’s EJ?”

My smile spreads from ear to ear as EJ’s image pops into my mind. My red-headed blue-eyed little boy who’s a spitting image of his dad in every way possible. Everyone thinks he looks like me, but I see nothing but his dad in him.

“EJ is my son.” I leave it at that. The rest – it’s hard to grasp.

“Who’s his father?”

“Well now, that’s where one of my problems lies, isn’t it? Evan is my son’s biological father, but he knows Nate as his dad. I don’t know how to look my little boy in the eye and tell him that the dad he knows isn’t his dad and that the man he’s named after is. How do I answer the question of why or where Evan has been when the answer doesn’t even make sense to me? How am I supposed to do that?”

This time I can’t hold back the tears. Telling EJ, at the age of five, that his life is a lie isn’t something I planned on doing until he was old enough to understand the sacrifices Evan’s made for our country. At five, EJ should be worried about trucks, and mud and what girl he likes in his kindergarten class, not who his father is.

THE MEMORY OF OUR
first date is so vivid that it feels like yesterday. The way Ryley closed her eyes as the spoon touched her lips had me moving closer to her, and I just about lost my nerve when I saw her tongue inch out so slowly to taste the raspberry and chocolate that waited for her. I knew in that moment, that I’d kiss her. I just didn’t expect it to be as earth shattering as it was. For the first time my heart was beating and it was all because of her.

“How did you feel when you enlisted?”

I stretch out my legs in front of me. I glance at the clock and notice I’ve only been here for fifteen minutes. It seems like an hour has passed. My time should be up. I should be standing and walking out, never to see this lady again. Instead, she’s seated across from me with her hands folded neatly on top of her desk. Her posture is relaxed and that’s meant to be comforting. I’m anything but.

Her question takes me by surprise, and it’s something I love talking about. I’m proud to serve my country, always have been. Even in light of what I’ve learned this past week, I’m still serving.

“I was excited. I had looked at various colleges for about a year. I had a few scholarship offers, but I never felt a connection with any of them. My dad wasn’t too thrilled that I had decided to enlist. I think he thought I’d go to college since Nate was heading off to the Navy. I had always been more into sports while Nate was always learning from my dad. I got the impression when I enlisted that he thought I was trying to steal Nate’s thunder.”

“Why do you think that was?”

I lean my head back slightly and close my eyes. Telling my father that I was enlisting in the Navy did not go over well. Nate had broken the news first, and I saw how happy my dad was. I thought for sure he’d accept my decision to enlist as well. Only he didn’t. When I said the word ‘enlist’ he frowned, and when I said ‘Navy’, he downright grimaced. It was only after his passing did I learn that he wanted me to play ball in college and thought I was wasting my talent. That, coupled with the fact that I had chosen the same path as Nate, meant that he was none too happy with me. He wanted something different for me.

“It was Ry’s dad who sold me on the military. They were having a barbeque and he had some buddies there. Her dad was Army, but never favored one branch over the other. He was always very accepting. I sat and listened to their stories and just became mesmerized. One of them hinted that he was a little more than Special Forces. He detailed the history of this unit and everything that they did, and I could see myself jumping out of planes in the middle of a firefight. I could see myself serving the people we were trying to protect. I wanted that thrill, that danger, but I didn’t want to wait. One suggested the Navy and mentioned the SEALs, saying you can go to school after basic. That’s what I wanted.”

I look down at my leg and tap my thumb and forefinger against the crease in my slacks. Everything back then seemed so simple. Sign my name on the dotted line and serve my country. My goal was to make a name for myself, marry Ryley and raise a family.

“Evan?”

I look up at the sound of my name being called. I clear my throat and sit up. “I’m sorry,” I say. “I zoned out.”

“Care to share what you were thinking about?”

I shake my head, my lips pursing. Some of these memories, they’re painful. It makes me miss everything that’s happened in Ryley’s life these past six years. I know it’s not possible to miss something you didn’t have or know about, but I do. I want to be fresh in her memories, and right now I’m nothing but a ghost.

“Your father died in combat, correct?”

My eyes move toward the window – the same window that I know Ryley stood at earlier and watched as I sat on the park bench. Even from a distance, I could see the anguish she was going through because of me. Too many times I stood with the intent of just leaving, anything to ease the pain I’ve caused, but I can’t walk away, not now. Ryley and I didn’t do anything wrong in this fucked up mess. We deserve a chance.

“Like most, his death was a result of 9/11.” I shake my head lightly. So many deaths and the war will never end. “He was working with some ground troops. They were clearing out a village and one of the soldiers on his first deployment wasn’t watching where he was walking. The IED took out about six of them, my dad included.

“Nate and I were the first to know. He was in Iraq, and I had just landed in Afghanistan. Even though my dad and I were in the same country, we didn’t see each other. At least not the way we thought.” I look down at the floor and focus on the hole in the carpet wondering how long the patch has been bare.

“My dad bled out in the field, his legs were blown away from his body. The medic said he didn’t suffer, but he was alive for a few minutes after the blast. At first I believed the medic, but as I saw my own combat and watched my friends die, I know his ears were ringing and he could hear the yelling even if it was muffled. He knew what was going on as his breathing became labored and he couldn’t feel his legs. I know he fought to move before insurgents could move in on their position. I’ve seen it over and over again. The soldiers who aren’t injured are scrambling to save their comrades all while trying to save themselves.”

I have to get up and walk. Flashes of soldiers down on the ground are images I don’t want to recall right now. I run my hand through my hair and tug at the ends lightly. I sigh heavily and rest my head against the wall. “War is ugly. It destroys families and your faith in humanity. I lost my dad and had to let my sister grow up without a man in the house. Nate and I could’ve taken a discharge, but my mom assured us they were fine.”

I shake my head and move back to the chair, but before sitting down I look at the therapist and take her in. She’s not writing or even watching me, but crying. She sheds tears for a family she doesn’t even know, a man who lost his life serving his country.

She catches me watching her and tries to smile. She pulls a tissue from her the box that sits on top of her desk and dries her eyes. I’m taken by her ability to show emotion with a job like hers. I have to look away because I don’t want to see the pity in her eyes. My family has been through something no one should ever have to experience because of war.

“Are you ready to talk about what happened to you the last time you deployed?”

My eyes study her, sharply. My head moves before I have time to think because no, I don’t want to talk about the decisions that were made that kept me from my family. That kept three of my unit-mates and me in the dense forest for years without communication, surviving only on our skills while trying to find the most elusive man in the world.

“We’ll have to discuss your time there.”

“Not right now,” I demand. “I’ll talk about anything else, but that.”

“HOW SOON DID YOU
and Evan start dating?”

I fold my hands in my lap and think back to those first days of school. “If you were to ask Evan, he’d say it’s the day we first kissed. It’s something we used to argue about all the time, but for me I think it was the first day he told another girl that he had a girlfriend. He had never said that word to me before, and I didn’t want to assume.”

“Why not?”

I shrug. “He had other girlfriends before me, and I thought he just went around kissing girls in ice creams shops. I don’t know. I didn’t want to believe that he had chosen me and I had all these questions.”

“Like what, Ryley?”