Here's the Situation (16 page)

Cut the fabric as shown in a rounded fashion, allowing a half-inch seam around the circumference.

Lay one pseudo-ab atop the other. Pin them together, leaving space for an opening.

Sew around the ab-pillow, leaving that half-inch seam allowance and stopping short of the opening. Turn the pillow right side out and iron it flat.

Visit your local quarry and ask the foreman to fill your pillow with either dense, hard-packed gravel, or a slab of granite cut to size with a wet saw. (Note: Granite is smooth and will best simulate the feel of my actual abdominals, but any rock that registers 7 or more on the Mohs' scale of mineral hardness will do.)

Sew closed the opening with tiny whipstitches. Voila! Enjoy your official Sitch ab-pillow.

Feel free to embroider your new ab-pillow with any of your favorite Sitch quotes. Such as, “Don't push it too far with me or I'll throw you in the trunk.” Or, “This situation is gonna be indescribable. You can't even describe the situation that you're about to get into this situation.” Or, “Everybody loves The Situation. And if you don't love The Situation, I'm going to make you love The Situation.”